Dating after having self-harmed

[DefinitelyNotARobot]

I used to self-harm when I was younger, I don't do it anymore, but I have to live with all of these nasty scars on my arm now. I have to wear long-sleeved stuff all the time now, because I don't want people to see my scars.

My questions is: How do I approach this topic while dating? It would obviously be weird to go "Hey, haha! Look at all these scars! " at the first date, but I also don't want to keep it as a nasty little surprise should I ever get intimate with a girl. I know that it would disturb them one way or the other, so what should I do? I feel really anxious about it...

Letting her know that I am a different person now comes to my mind, but a lot of this self-hatred still lingers around, so that wouldn't be authentic.

 

I feel like less of a man because of it. Girls don't like whiny men and I can't really claim to have transcended my whininess. These scars make all of this just way worse.

[DefinitelyNotARobot]

@Keyhole I really like that idea, but I wonder what it would look like. I've got like 30 - 40 scars on my left forearm, one of which is pretty big. I might have ask a tattoo artist about that.

[Preety_India]

@DefinitelyNotARobot  yea a tattoo is a great idea. 

I have self harm marks as well. 

It's kinda sometimes embarrassing. 

 

[DefinitelyNotARobot]

17 minutes ago, Keyhole said:

Something to remind that even from painful actions, a beautiful thing can grow from it.  Women love depth like that.  Gives it more of a sexy scar across the eye kind of appeal to it.

Putting it like this definitely makes me feel less anxious about it. Dirt makes flowers I guess? I mean I've been thinking about getting tattooed anyways, so why not?

[Roy]

Get a tattoo, or just be brazenly open and confident about it.

"Yes this is something that happening to me a long time ago, but it's not who I am now."

But don't just say the words. You really have to embody the changed person. So that means confronting that self-hatred, shame, and conquering it.

[electroBeam]

2 hours ago, DefinitelyNotARobot said:

I used to self-harm when I was younger, I don't do it anymore, but I have to live with all of these nasty scars on my arm now. I have to wear long-sleeved stuff all the time now, because I don't want people to see my scars.

My questions is: How do I approach this topic while dating? It would obviously be weird to go "Hey, haha! Look at all these scars! " at the first date, but I also don't want to keep it as a nasty little surprise should I ever get intimate with a girl. I know that it would disturb them one way or the other, so what should I do? I feel really anxious about it...

Letting her know that I am a different person now comes to my mind, but a lot of this self-hatred still lingers around, so that wouldn't be authentic.

 

I feel like less of a man because of it. Girls don't like whiny men and I can't really claim to have transcended my whininess. These scars make all of this just way worse.

You just got into a lot of fights as a teenager You won all of the battles of course... ohh the battle against me of course.

If you don't feel like fooling around and feel like saying something more serious, what's wrong with honesty? Isn't being a deeply masculine man about having the courage to tell the horrible truths about you without flinching? All these men go to the gym, use toxic tactics to hide deep insecurities about themselves... not you though, you just tell your horrible truths straight up, if the girl doesn't appreciate that, then she's got a problem with Truth and what a real man is. Don't have to say it in a pathetic way, say it in an assertive way "yeah I use to harm myself because I had issues." That's it. No explanation or excuses or rationale for why you did it, you just fucken did it. That's the truth. You're so masculine that you don't think you need to rationale, you're too amazing for that. And if she wants more explanation because she's genuinely worried, then give it to her "Nah I don't do it anymore, got over my issues". Simple.

[Farnaby]

@DefinitelyNotARobot I don't know you, but I don't think you were whiny when you self-harmed. You were probably dealing with a lot of pain the best way you could at that moment. 

I do notice lots of self-hatred, self-loathing in the way you talk about yourself and that's definitely something I would encourage you to get professional help for if you aren't in therapy yet. 

That will also help you make the best decision for you in regards to your scars and dating, instead of out of fear of rejection. Fear of rejection is a natural thing, but you can learn how to heal past trauma and childhood wounds so it doesn't control you as much in your adulthood. 

I wish you the best  

[Farnaby]

I also agree with what @electroBeam said about honesty. 

[Opo]

Maybe something like this. 

[DefinitelyNotARobot]

@electroBeam Yeah I see what you're saying. Especially the part about owning it instead of making excuses. I guess it's a question maturity.

@Opo ??

 

[intotheblack]

My sister self harmed when she was young too.  She has her arms tattooed now, like half sleeves.  For years before that she would wear long sleeved clothing.  She now shows her arms.  
With dating maybe first build up connection with someone first so you feel more comfortable opening up about it. I think most people would be accepting of the scars. 

[flowboy]

Like others have said, as long as the reason for the self-harm is still partially unresolved, that is what is going to mess with your dating life, more so than the scars.

So get the tattoo, but also get therapy. After resolving it, the scars won't hurt your game anymore. Because what fucks you up is not the scars, but your shame.

[Danioover9000]

@DefinitelyNotARobot

On 12/1/2020 at 9:03 PM, DefinitelyNotARobot said:

I used to self-harm when I was younger, I don't do it anymore, but I have to live with all of these nasty scars on my arm now. I have to wear long-sleeved stuff all the time now, because I don't want people to see my scars.

My questions is: How do I approach this topic while dating? It would obviously be weird to go "Hey, haha! Look at all these scars! " at the first date, but I also don't want to keep it as a nasty little surprise should I ever get intimate with a girl. I know that it would disturb them one way or the other, so what should I do? I feel really anxious about it...

Letting her know that I am a different person now comes to my mind, but a lot of this self-hatred still lingers around, so that wouldn't be authentic.

 

I feel like less of a man because of it. Girls don't like whiny men and I can't really claim to have transcended my whininess. These scars make all of this just way worse.

   Might need to see either a therapist or a psychoanalyst to get more clarity over why you self harm. You can still get the tattoos, but if you don't get the self clarity to understand why you self harm, you'll self harm a different way, which would contribute to a failed dating relationship. I've had my share of experiences with girls that some had me feeling very strongly negative.   

[Arcangelo]

Tattoo FTW