Suicidal... How to forget an ex? Soul crushing thoughts.

[Guest EmptyVase]

Instead of distraction and wanting to forget him, I would like to suggest to feel everything that is coming your way.

You can answer these for yourself, if you like :

When heavy emotions kick in, how does it feel like?

Try to be specific: where in your body do you feel it?

When the waves confront you, how do you want to react ? Do you notice any form of running away and distraction? How does your behavior change? Feel that too.

Stick with feeling through the entire process. How do your thoughts feel like? How permanent are the emotions? Do they change? Do the sensations change? What gives them power?

Take your time with answering and foremost feeling these for yourself. Feel it deeply. This means, even if you have answered one of these questions, still stick with that one question and feel further. More and more will get uncovered.

Opening up in this way can be powerful and lead to surprising results. Hope this helps you. Wish you the best!

[Gesundheit]

14 hours ago, Preety_India said:

The fact that he was very abusive in the relationship hurts a lot. He also cheated on me many times. So these are the question that come to my mind,

"why did he lie to me?" 

"why did he cheat on me?" 

"why did he treat me so badly?" 

"how could he hurt me so much and still say that he loved me?" 

"what did I do to deserve such mistreatment and unfairness?" 

"why did he use me and pretend like he really was loving me?" 

"how could he hurt me and still say that he cares about me, which means that he never cared about me?" 

"why hurt me so much and why such deception, could have let me go by being honest?" "why not simply tell the truth and let me go?" 

"why did he manipulate me and play such games and hurt me with his games?" 

"I loved him so much and did so much for him, how could he not care about me at all and then claim that he really cared?" 

"how and why did I trust a man so much and let him hurt me?"

This sounds like a summarization for the reason why you're feeling what you're feeling.

So there's you, and there's the world out there. You assume that if you act good, you will receive good. This one assumption is causing you all this hurt. But the more important question here is why do you even assume it in the first place? Why do you not assume that when you do good you will receive bad? Why do you not accept that whatever you do has nothing whatsoever to do with the outcomes? A huge part of the answer is actually related to lack of self-worth and a defective self-image. Because you don't fully accept yourself/you think you're not enough, you think that by doing good you will be rewarded by others telling you that you are good so that you can accept yourself and feel enough. And you think that by avoiding selfishness you are being more selfless and a better person that doesn't deserve bad. Classic people pleasing attitude, and it's toxic to you first and foremost. Let alone unattractive at all to others. You're afraid of facing reality and taking full responsibility for your well-being by delegating your own responsibility for your emotions onto others. In that act, you allow others to share you with the process of creating your feelings, and a lot of times people are out there for themselves they won't care about your feelings because they take care of their own feelings and think that that's enough. Simply stop allowing people to have a chance to affect you. Be your own boss, and let whoever does not like you suck it.

You want to be strong and worthy but you don't know how. The how is simply by being whoever you are fully and accepting your flaws and weaknesses and adopt these flaws and weaknesses until they're your strengths. Remember that there's nothing actually weak or wrong about you, only the shame and fear and denial that you attribute to yourself is what creates actual weakness. Without those, imagine how much freer and stronger you will be. Rest with that image until it becomes reality.

Edited November 17, 2020 by Gesundheit

[Preety_India]

@Gesundheit it's a relationship. Nobody enters a relationship to be treated badly.

If you were being mistreated in a relationship you'd feel bad as well. What you say can be applicable if I'm dealing with a stranger. 

You mean to say that tomorrow if you marry a woman, are you going to expect her to cheat on you? Is that the expectation you're going to enter the marriage with? 

Be practical instead of victim blaming. 

[Gesundheit]

16 hours ago, Preety_India said:

Any tips on how to completely forget and get over it. Thanks.

You said you wanted tips and I said what worked for me. You're not going to forget him without a paradigm shift.

[Preety_India]

12 minutes ago, Gesundheit said:

You said you wanted tips and I said what worked for me. You're not going to forget him without a paradigm shift.

Not about forgetting him. It's more about removing those thoughts. I don't like him. 

[Gesundheit]

1 hour ago, Preety_India said:

Not about forgetting him. It's more about removing those thoughts. I don't like him. 

Thoughts about him = him.

The problem is not whether or not you like him. The problem is that he still influences your life against your will. Love or hated both kinda have the same effect here. The effect here is the influence that is caused by the value you're subconsciously assigning to him. If love/hate has the value +1/-1, then complete indifference has the value 0. You want to turn his value into 0 by becoming completely indifferent of him by making a paradigm shift that will turn your focus onto something else and transform the way you interact with others. Think about it; The you that thinks about him and gets triggered cannot get over him. The dysfunctional parts of you have to change. What I offered above was a different approach to relationships. It may not be the most realistic approach, but it has the potential to get you over toxic ex's. You want your ex to become a complete stranger to you, and that's what my advice is for. You certainly can't remove him from existence so I don't see any better options. In brief, the world does not owe you anything. If you're being good because you expect to be treated well in return, that's not goodness, that's business. And in business people get screwed over all the time. That's life, get over it. Be truly selfless and stop thinking about how others should be treating you. You may have been unlucky, like many others, but it's not the end of the world. Being unlucky is a challenge, of course, and it will make you stronger. Take responsibility for how you feel. Learn from your mistakes. Don't let others step on your boundaries ever again. Don't let others make you feel bad for who you are. Anyone that tries to make you feel bad even for 1% is not worthy of being in your life. Your life is precious and sacred and not everyone deserves to be in it. Only allow the precious and sacred.

[Preety_India]

32 minutes ago, Gesundheit said:

If you're being good because you expect to be treated well in return, that's not goodness, that's business.

I wasn't being good to him with the expectation of getting treated  well in return for that. I'm not a person who treats people badly in a relationship. I have my principles. But at the same time I have self respect so why should I take someone's bad treatment? 

But i understand other parts of your advice 

I was always a bit forgiving in a relationship which I need to rethink. 

[Kailash Bhattarai]

@Preety_India Take a 10-days retreat if you have time, I would suggest go to vipassana and deal with those emotions without any distraction. I'm sure after the retreat you will fell amazing and deal with most of the stuff.

[Gesundheit]

59 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

I was always a bit forgiving in a relationship which I need to rethink. 

Yes, I think that's important.

Regardless of your relationship status, you should always keep in mind that you come first. If you don't care about your well-being, who will? When you enter a relationship, it should not take from your life but rather start adding to it. Forgiveness is good when you're in a position of power. But when you're not, it's always bad. Your power comes from being you fully, and from having your needs and desires met. You don't exchange your needs and desires for power. That would be like putting the cart before the horse. Abusive people trick you into give up your power by appealing to the good forgiving side of you, and then they pretend like they are giving it back to you by giving you what is your right in the first place. They're experts in this area. They know how to exploit every vulnerability you may have so that they can control you. Some people simply don't deserve a second chance. Some of them don't even deserve a first chance. When you're grounded in your own self and wellness, you will be able to catch those clearly on a whim. The only way they can get to penetrate your defences is if you allow them to do so. All insidious infiltrating abusive tactics won't work when you're present.

Edited November 17, 2020 by Gesundheit

[Preety_India]

 

@Gesundheit  @arlin    @Khr  @diamondpenguin 

so I wanted to finish his chapter in my life and be done with his thoughts. 

I texted him just a while ago and told him what I felt in order to have a sense of closure over the relationship. 

So these are the messages that I sent him. And it's last communication I'm having with him. He tried convincing me that I'm a good woman and that he still likes me.. I think all his words are a part of his brainwashing me.. 

So i told him I'm done for good. 

 

I also told him that what goes around comes around. 

I just let him know how much I was hurt and told him that I needed to move on for good. 

It was a relief telling him all that. 

 

Edited November 17, 2020 by Preety_India

[Leo Gura]

@Preety_India For the love of God, stop contacting him.

You are dragging this out.

[Beginner Mind]

@Preety_India Firstly, allow yourself to feel whatever you are feeling.  This is important.  Don't resist anything you're feeling.

Secondly, it might be helpful to realize that each human being is simply acting out their genes and conditioning.  Your ex-boyfriend didn't choose the parents he was born to, which gave him certain genes, certain traits, a certain personality.  And from the moment your ex-boyfriend was born, life started to impact him: everything he was taught by his parents, his schooling, his childhood experiences, etc., all of that is his conditioning.  He had no control over either of these factors; no control over his genes and no control over his conditioning.

My basic point is: free will is an illusion.  Your ex-boyfriend behaved exactly the way he was designed to behave.  When you realize this, forgiveness comes naturally.  Much love to you.

[tuckerwphotography]

Sending so much love your way, @Preety_India. I know it's impossible to see now, but perhaps the tiniest smallest sliver of you can rest in faith knowing that one day everything you're experiencing right now will be a great gift and blessing designed to help you heal, transform and grow in ways that are impossible to imagine in this present moment. Hang in there, my friend. Some good advice offered by fellow Actualizers. 

When I was in a really dark spot post-breakout a couple years ago, I started seeing this coach/therapist named Deborah Wilder. She's more like an Angel. You can book a free 30 min consult with her to see if you resonate. I've recommended her to all my closest family and friends, and everyone has had really beautiful experiences. 

http://www.deborahwilder.com

[integral]

Block him its over, do not read or respond to anything again. 

[arlin]

i would agree with leo here

[Megan Alecia]

What I'd do to have the power to leave a toxic person ?‍♀️ 

[Bulgarianspirit]

I have had these ups and downs for three years now. I wish i never met her life is cruel sometimes. I just keep chugging along trying to survive and find a purpose in my disappointing life decisions. Who knows maybe we will survive this and in time the wounds won't be so fresh. Don't give the thoughts too much power, i had obes with higher entities offering me death, my soul just didn't want this body anymore, so really at the end of hell lies heaven. Somehow.

[How to be wise]

@Preety_India You said in a previous post that you were going to live in Texas next year, and I’m assuming it’s because he was planning on marrying you. If the relationship ends, how will you move to the West?

[integral]

@Bulgarianspirit ITS A STORY. Heres another story, you where born.

Not only that you where just resonantly born and now everything is super important. Everything matters. This is insanity. 

You where perfectly content prior to the human experience (dead or god). 

Edited November 17, 2020 by integral

[Gesundheit]

43 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

 

@Gesundheit  @arlin    @Khr  @diamondpenguin 

so I wanted to finish his chapter in my life and be done with his thoughts. 

I texted him just a while ago and told him what I felt in order to have a sense of closure over the relationship. 

So these are the messages that I sent him. And it's last communication I'm having with him. He tried convincing me that I'm a good woman and that he still likes me.. I think all his words are a part of his brainwashing me.. 

So i told him I'm done for good. 

 

I also told him that what goes around comes around. 

I just let him know how much I was hurt and told him that I needed to move on for good. 

It was a relief telling him all that.

It's okay to talk about it in your journal or here if you want to vent off. How do you feel right now after all the advice you got? Do you feel better? Freer? What do you feel you want the most right now?