What it means to a be a man

[Karmadhi]

Alright guys so i have a question. On this video Leo says that to be a man it means to be authentic and that the confident charismatic macho persona is not for everyone. For a guy to more attractive to girls he needs to be more like a woman. However when it comes to "hooking women like crack" and other stuff like this he promotes exactly the toxic masculine persona. So being detached, confident, assertive etc. If being this masculine persona is unhealthy and unattractive then why would Leo advocate guys to be like that. Personally i tend to be different from that. I am kind, caring, soft, logical and chill kinda person. So should i be more girly so more flirty, spontaneous, smiley etc or more aggressive, dominant, assertive and ruthless. I don't know if i am i writing this correctly but i feel like the two pieces of advice contradict each other.

[Preety_India]

I guess this depends a lot on the girl you're trying to win. What she wants is what decides it. Because the focus is more on being the best that you can be to her. 

But in a general sense, being a man can mean so many different things that you will need to write an encyclopedia on it. It's just too broad of a subject to me described in a few lines. 

Being a man can mean different things to different people. And everyone can be logical in their own ways. 

All I'll say is be the man who you want to be and rely less on what others think you should be. 

[Cireeric]

Start by learning to be your authentic self, express yourself openly, become non-needy and confident by investing into yourself. Have your own opinions on things and state them. Thats all general things you can do to make you more of a "man". There is still place for your own personality traits.   

[Shin]

Read this and apply it

Be very wary of what you can watch on youtube, usually they have no idea what it means.

Most videos on youtube which talk about being a man are about how to be an angry and sad incel or asshole

Edited November 10, 2020 by Shin

[Chew211]

I take the Freudian/Lacanian psychoanalytic perspective.

To be a man is to have anxiety about our performance. This is mirrored physically by us having dicks that we don't have control over. We have an ideal that we measure ourselves to and fail to match. The anxiety around all this forces us to grow. 

^ this being said, a working woman could be functionally a man in this regard. But women have a nonphallic sexuality as well. 

Men have a phallic sexuality. 

Even now your insecurity about your performance with women has lead to search out "what it means to be a man", and now trying to deal with this supposed contradiction-- this is you, being a man.

If you want to grow as a man, take action. All this stuff is theory, you'll find what works for you by trying and failing many times-- by dealing with that anxiety. 

You don't really know theory until you've (failed many times to before eventually) started putting it into practice

Edited November 10, 2020 by Chew211

[Karmadhi]

@Shin I ve read that book. It is very good but i tend to be more on the kind sweet caring side than the strong ruthless side naturally. Maybe life's difficulties will make me more like that, who knows. I am quite young. 

[Karmadhi]

@Cireeric What if your authentic self is not charismatic, expressive, flirtatious and whatever the hell all these people promote?

 

[tsuki]

Don't try to be a man.

A man is an idea, a mental image, a set of standards to judge yourself by and reject the parts that don't fit. Even if someone described to you what being a man really is and was accurate, then it would not mean a single thing. That is exactly how toxic masculinity is created, by trying to make boys behave like men. We have cultural standards and pressure children to act/perform and in doing so we deprive them of the possibility to actually grow up, mature. That is what men are, they are boys that have matured. They did not mature by rejecting the parts of themselves that did not fit whatever standard their parents chose. They grew up by actually seeing what they are and learning how to be that effectively. 

And frankly, fuck women that buy into this toxic masculine standard and can't see for themselves what they really want from a partner. Why would you want to spend time with person is not really there with you, but constantly stuck in her mind, judging whether you are alpha or not? This is straight path to hell. Even worse is having your own mind constantly judging whether you are alpha or not. That's pure insanity and the condition most young men are stuck in. I wouldn't be surprised if that was the reason why men are so aggressive, because they are pissed at the self-harm that they are constantly inflicting upon themselves.

There is just one single person you are supposed to be and you have to get close to him.

[Preety_India]

@Karmadhi

I think @tsuki gave a very good answer here, probably the best answer on Actualized.org dating section so far and I have read a ton of toxic masculine stuff on this side of the forum, let me tell you that.

Even @Shin said the same thing. 

A lot of the internet material hinges on training you to be a toxic masculine. Don't even read or listen to that 

2 hours ago, Karmadhi said:

@Cireeric What if your authentic self is not charismatic, expressive, flirtatious and whatever the hell all these people promote?

 

You have to be you.

Even if you are not charismatic.. It's ok

Even if you're not expressive.. It's ok. 

Even if you're not flirtatious .. It's ok. 

 

The bottom line is that you can become all of the above if you really want it. But if you don't, that's completely OK too. 

Remember a true relationship is where both partners love and accept each other for who they are. Only that relationship will actually last. Makes sense? 

Whereas any relationship where the woman constantly complains about you or shows that she can't accept you for who you are, she does not love you and you don't need such women or people in your life. 

This also applies to friendships. 

Learn to build a self confidence that allows you to be yourself and not someone who is at the mercy of the judgement of others. 

Leave who judge you behind. 

When you are in comfortable space, you can be whatever you want to be. In fact when you are with a person who likes you, all these things that you say like "I'm not expressive, flirtatious, charismatic", they'll automatically happen because your consciousness will adapt to this new comfortable environment and give you more opportunities to become a better version of yourself. 

Right now what you read on the internet is just ego boasting. People trying to make you feel bad about yourself, making you feel like you lack something 

These are super super judgmental people who will continue doing this and keep chipping away at your self esteem convincing you that you are becoming a better male. It's hogwash. Their whole industry capitalizes on making men feel weak and lacking. They are not spiritual people. They will obviously create some nonsense like toxic masculinity. 

Also remember that anyone with all that toxic masculinity built up in them is going to attract the worst type of women. Those are the women those guys end up getting. 

No healthy feminine woman would ever want to date a hyper aggressive toxic masculine guy. So if you want a healthy loving woman to be with you, stop listening to men who tell you that you are lacking something. 

Edited November 10, 2020 by Preety_India

[How to be wise]

@Karmadhi Check Corey Wayne’s YouTube channel.

[Arcangelo]

HAve your shit together?

 

[UNZARI]

i think what he means about being more like a woman has a lot to do with being more intuitive. getting a woman is not a step 1 step 2 robotic plan. it’s a flow that you get into. there’s nothing to it in a sense. you catch your eye onto a woman that looks fit for yourself then you approach her then dance with her in a random conversation. be yourself to the highest degree possible. if that’s not for her then she’s not for you

[Finax]

Its a bit of both, be confident, assertive as well as being an emotional rollercoaster.

But do not be overly logical, or too nice, those are common qualities and are not attractive.

[VictorB02]

@tsuki

On 11/10/2020 at 0:37 PM, tsuki said:

This is straight path to hell. Even worse is having your own mind constantly judging whether you are alpha or not. That's pure insanity and the condition most young men are stuck in.

Exactly what happened to me. Fell down a alpha / beta attraction rabbit hole, fell off track with my LP, and filtered EVERYTHING, and I mean literally fucking EVERYTHING through the lens of "was that alpha or not" And if it wasn't, shaming myself and feeling down because I didn't live up to the standard I set for myself. Fuck that. So much better to just be yourself - because ironically - the true you will display the most "masculinity" or "alphaness" (whatever those two words mean to you)