Can Someone Help Me Out Here ? (that's Some Deep Shit)

[Tancrede Pouyat]

My dad has a huge anger problem. I have to live with him because I don't make enough money with my business.

It's weird because sometimes he yells and I don't care much about it. "Yeah, he always yells anyways, it's his anger problem, not mine" is the kind of thoughts that go through my mind in these moments.

But, at other times, I just feel bad when he yells. I feel terrible. I apply mindfulness and the emotion goes away pretty easily and quickly. But still. Is this an egoic emotion I should distrust or something deep I should trust ?

My other family members also have serious psychological issues, but I don't really care too much about those, either.

There's something weird going on here. I don't care about changing those people. But there's something to be done here. Can you help me out ?

[ChimpBrain]

The next time he loses his temper, look him directly in the eye and ask him if he needs a hug, and mean it. That last part is important. If you can't genuinely care about why/how he's found himself in the state that he's in and want to help him out of it, don't try to fake it. You might be surprised at how easily you could make yours and your whole family's lives much less stressful with a simple act of genuine love and compassion.

 

 

[Tancrede Pouyat]

@ChimpBrain I'm not trying to get him out of it.

[David1]

@Tancrede Pouyat Seems to me, you want to move out? Maybe you can find some room mates and rent a place with them. Rev up your business to make more money. Or get another stream of income...

[egoeimai]

A have an asshole instead of father.

So opening a thread talking about him it does equals you do care a little. Its not bad.

You cant change them even If you want to.

Ignore it. You cant do sth If you havent money. Or be more positive and calm yourself. You cant fight his situation.

[Wind]

Resonate. Everytime my dad would yell, it would trigger in me deep emotional response of angriness at his ego. His unconscious behaviour would make me unconscious too. But when I'm in peacuful state I would get really compassioned towards him and the pain that he is feeling.

Staying mindful and breaking out of your own ego by hugging him, would probably do the most good. I know personaly that ego resists doing good for somebody who's acting inapropriate, but it's counter-intuitive.

Also, talking deeply with your dad when he is conscious about how his behaviour is making you feel. If he doesn't try to change that, then tell him that this is the main reason you are moving out and move out. This would make him think.

I moved from my family house two years ago and it's been peaceful since then. I strongly suggest doing that. Renting room with flatmates shouldn't cost that much depending on the city and location. But keep in mind that even if you move out, this trigger response still be there after you come back for holidays if nothing's change.

[Kevin Dunlop]

Alot of people have this same thing going on, they feel like they have to live with someone abusive because they cant get their own housing. You feel bad because yelling at someone is attacking them, right in the ears where it hurts, disrespect that hurts in the heart, false acusations that you dont deserve, etc. I have read alot of books about communication and patenting, most always say that yelling at people is something you have to stop doing, but it is hard for people to change what they are used to doing especially if it seems to work for them. They just dont realize what they are missing. Changing others behaviours is almost not an option if they dont want to. I suggest you watch videos today from NVC - Non violent communication so that you can become an expert on this because you really need to for your own peace of mind, put this into some kind of framework. You know that you can change the way you interpret and respond to this. Maybe you want to take some risks and when he is OK ask him how he feels about this and tell him how it effects you and what you really want to see happen. Be clear about what you want and dont want and see if you can get him to agree. The more you two can work on these things the more you heal your family. Sometimes it takes a brave informed masterful son to heal the family dynamic. Sometimes these things cannot be controlled and will not change but I usually keep hope alive for people if not now in the fucture anything can happen. Take care of yourself, get space when you need it, for now realizehe is doing the best he can with what he has, be forgiving and maybe youll find a way to help. This may also be the push you need to move out and start feeling amazingly free! 

 

[Saarah]

@Tancrede Pouyat 1. Stay out of his way as much as possible and keep contact minimum

2. When he comes to you and yells and is asking a question just keep communication and your responses very simple, don't get into complicated talks and don't get personal 

3. If he threatens you in whatever way don't be reactive to it, just be silent and uninterested but not in a rude way 

I do these with my father and while his feelings and behaviour haven't changed, which is fine, he doesn't ever try to confront me or initiate an interaction these days, in doing these you basically stop acting as fodder for angry dramatic people 

you just have to be a highly sensitive person and then you can work your way around 

but it does feel frustrating living with a person like this, of course you'd rather not have to be manipulative in this way and just be yourself, but you can save that for when you're independent ?

 

[philosogi]

@Tancrede Pouyat There's a phenomenon in biology that I don't fully understand, that's called "mirror neurons." As I understand it, when you hear/imagine/see another being undergoing a psychosomatic (psychological and physical) event, these mirror neurons mimic to some degree what you imagine they are feeling. That could be why you sometimes feel terrible even when you're applying various techniques?

I feel like there's more to this though, based on your post. I'm not sure what you're resisting: feeling too much or feeling too little.

[Leo Gura]

Use it as motivation to study hard, work hard, get your shit together and move out.

And in the meantime, alchemize the negative emotions as best you can by practicing mindfulness and growing yourself stronger internally. Later in life this will all be invaluable experience and skills you're developing.

Don't get distracted by other people's bullshit. That's the most important thing.

[Emerald]

On August 27, 2016 at 9:50 AM, Tancrede Pouyat said:

My dad has a huge anger problem. I have to live with him because I don't make enough money with my business.

It's weird because sometimes he yells and I don't care much about it. "Yeah, he always yells anyways, it's his anger problem, not mine" is the kind of thoughts that go through my mind in these moments.

But, at other times, I just feel bad when he yells. I feel terrible. I apply mindfulness and the emotion goes away pretty easily and quickly. But still. Is this an egoic emotion I should distrust or something deep I should trust ?

My other family members also have serious psychological issues, but I don't really care too much about those, either.

There's something weird going on here. I don't care about changing those people. But there's something to be done here. Can you help me out ?

There's no need to deal with his anger. Just move out. If I recall, you're right about at that age anyway. You could get a room mate or something of that nature. Heck, even if you have to couch surf or be homeless for a while, go ahead and do it. Life is too short to deal with dysfunctional parents. Push yourself out of the nest, you'll be surprised at how easily you'll fly.

[Kevin Dunlop]

Kid are you getting the information here yet? Move out! But I know, you have to go through alot of mental changes to do just that. Like trust the world out there to support you and unhook from the addiction of being a part of this dynamic,  for example. So it may be that you will be there for a few more weeks at least days months years?? So in the meantime even if you are there only a few more day, do this lab test on your Dad its the perfect opportunity to learn and try it. NonViolentCommunication (look it up on the net)  its got 4 steps to encourage compassion in otheres by changing the way you talk. Try it and see if you change something, I noticed it works as it says it should. 4 STEPS you need to memorize

#1 observe -say what you are observing in a phrase ( key point - dont say WHO is doing what is happening this creates defensiveness to acusation)

Eg. When people yell at me

#2 feeling - how you feel when this happens

eg. I feel like hurt

 #3 How I need to feel

eg. I need to feel respected and loved 

#4 your request

could you please speak in a more relaxed tone?

So the secret is you dont say anything else - you use this formula after having practiced it. It allows you to express your authentic feelings and needs and ask for compassion without messing it up with your confused identity. The other person doesnt have to do what you ask them to do, its up to them. But this gives you a form to try, if you pull it off simply you may be able to change the dynamic , be calm and scientific. observe the results, you have nothing to lose and alot to learn so get started.

 

[Kevin Dunlop]

On 27/8/2016 at 4:23 PM, Wind said:

Resonate. Everytime my dad would yell, it would trigger in me deep emotional response of angriness at his ego. His unconscious behaviour would make me unconscious too. But when I'm in peacuful state I would get really compassioned towards him and the pain that he is feeling.

Staying mindful and breaking out of your own ego by hugging him, would probably do the most good. I know personaly that ego resists doing good for somebody who's acting inapropriate, but it's counter-intuitive.

Also, talking deeply with your dad when he is conscious about how his behaviour is making you feel. If he doesn't try to change that, then tell him that this is the main reason you are moving out and move out. This would make him think.

I moved from my family house two years ago and it's been peaceful since then. I strongly suggest doing that. Renting room with flatmates shouldn't cost that much depending on the city and location. But keep in mind that even if you move out, this trigger response still be there after you come back for holidays if nothing's change.

When living with family you have the opportunity for healing and observing but usually one has to be on their own first and decompress. Talking deeply about it is good you adress the problem in your family when everyone can there might be need for a wise third party to get involved in observing your dynamic and suggesting things. Forget about money cars and computer games - healing your family is more important in the long run its worth your effort once you know how

 

 

[Pelin]

I agree with most people, moving out seems like the best option. While I feel how much you care about your mission and life purpose (and youtube channel for that matter), don't forget Maslow's hierarchy of needs. First, you need to earn some money to sustain yourself. Until your channel starts to provide passive income, get a part-time/full-time job, if you are a student look for dorm options/scholarship options. I used to babysit and give private lessons while I was a student. It paid decent enough to live free of debt. Observing children provides lots of insight and tests your patience as a bonus! There are lots of other options out there. When you earn some money, it will help with your self-esteem and self-confidence, too, because you won't feel dependent on anyone. You'll also improve your channel by buying professional equipment or reaching out more products etc. 

[Vaishnavi]

If you care, like really care, then go and talk to him. Just listen to him, and maybe try to help him out. Let him know that his behaviour actually hurts you and that you care for him and you are there for him if he needs someone to talk to. But don't fake it. If you really feel want to help him out, then only would I suggest you for this talk. 

If you don't however, then take up leo and emerald's words.

[Hunter Arrington]

@Tancrede Pouyat When you make it a priority to grow and live up to self mastery you are growing when you're around him. Checked out your youtube videos, good luck with everything!:) 

[ajasatya]

@Tancrede Pouyat have you tried opening your heart and telling them that they hurt you when they act like that?

this is an attempt to practice the jesus' teaching about showing the other side of the face.

[Time Traveler]

1) feel emotional response in you

2) examine this response (where in body, how it feels, how big, how strong, etc ...)

Don't try to ignore or fight, cause it'll give energy to Dad.

After a while you'll become transparent (equanimous). Dad will not get energy from you and will stop. If not, who cares ?