Preety_India

A Problem with Betrayals

45 posts in this topic

 

How to know if the relationship I'm having is going to lead to anything stable and secure and not just some man bullshitting me with fake promises of love and marriage? What are the signs of a loyal man /loyal friend? 


 INFJ loner... .shy girl.. 

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5 minutes ago, Bulgarianspirit said:

I myself am a child of a single mother, my father left when i was young.

I don't want to end up like that. 

My parents marriage was not the best. 

But my mother or father never thought of leaving each other. 

 

For me it's nearly impossible to imagine not having something like that. 

I can't be with an unfaithful person. 

I need stability before I become a mother. 

I want a relationship forever and not all these stupid betrayals. 

I have started to feel like all romantic relationships are a farce. 

But I want to hope for something permanent. 

 


 INFJ loner... .shy girl.. 

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59 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

How to know that a person is trustworthy and loyal and will keep good on their promises and not just empty words of manipulation.. For sex or other things. 

How to know if someone is truly invested in me so I can prepare my plans to be with them without having my plans ruined in the end? 

You need to learn to observe people and discount everything they say. You need to see if a guy is willing to be your 3 am person - someone you can call at 3 am with a broken sink, a broken leg, and they will be rushing over to help you. You can test them with asking for favours - call him and tell him you have a flat tire in the middle of the highway see what his actions are - is he going to call a tow truck for you, is he going to come by and be by your side, or is he not even going to pick up their phone? The main thing is not to go overboard with testing ?.

You need to learn to take things slow with them - sex makes women attached to men quicker.

Good, loyal, loving men 100% exist and are everywhere. Unfortunately, life is volatile and even if you find one, your roads may still part so you have to be ready for that. You need to realize that the only thing you will be guaranteed to have for the rest of your life is you and you have to stay loyal to yourself first and do what’s best for you. The moment you see the guy is not acting right, you walk away. You have to be ready to walk away whenever your values are compromised and the only way you will be able to do that is if you have a fulfilling life without him - you need to build up your life. You need to invest so much in yourself, your circle of friends, your career, your health, that whenever some dude does anything to upset you you could say “screw you, I worked hard to be where I am today, I love and respect myself too much to deal with your bs - bye”.

You need to become strong and not all soapy about the lovy-dovy bs. In fact, narcissist are known to do a lot of love bombing in the begging, make you feel like you’re the most special snowflake for them, eventually you learn that if the guy seems too good to be true in the begging, that is a big red flag and he is actually not true. You need to roll up your sleeves and fix your picker that is broken right now. There are so many books and so many materials. When I look back at the guys that I used to date in my early 20s it makes me cringe so much - right now I wouldn’t even look in their direction. 

Edited by Khr

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2 hours ago, Preety_India said:

How should I respect my time and energy? What strategy should I use? 

Little things can go a long way. Like maybe offer your time on a specific day of the week, not right now. When they call, tell them you only have a few minutes because you are busy. And then when they try to push you to talk longer, stick to what you said.

The key is to notice when the conversation is going in a way that you don't enjoy. And then friendly but firmly end the conversation. I notice that woman oftentimes are bad at this. They will continue to talk, even when they don't want to, just to be nice. Listen to your heart. Do what is right for you. You will see that when you feel good, the other person also feels good and your conversations will be much more satisfying.

It may be counterintuitive but you are doing the other person a favour when you hang up on them and do what you enjoy. And they will like you for being authentic.

 

2 hours ago, Preety_India said:

How should I know at the beginning that they are not going to respect my loyalty? 

I was mainly talking about friendships. But this also applies to relationships. You can ask about their previous relationships and see if you find hints of infidelity there. Otherwise it's innocent before proven guilty. Trust them to be faithful until you find something that indicates otherwise.

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@Khr  this is so true. 

He love bombed me throughout the relationship. Insane amount of love bombing. 

I believed him and kept all my hopes on him only to feel traumatized in the end when he left me. 

And I never tested the guy. I was too afraid of losing the relationship so I never tested 

 

Your first lines are very true. I should always test these guys first to see how invested they really are and not just lovey dovey words to win my affection. 

 


 INFJ loner... .shy girl.. 

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@Preety_India First of all, all the kindness and help you give to others you should do out of yourself not to get anything in return. You make peace with the idea of helping someone a lot and them not doing anything back for you. View helping people like you view giving money to the homeless guy, you help him because you can and you enjoy it, not because you expect the homeless man to do anything for you. Now some more practical advice

Friends- personally i am a very intuitive guy so i can tell trustworthy people just by the way they act, facial expressions, gestures etc. Also having a good memory and remembering what people do and say can help as it helps you spot out inconsistencies like lies for eg. Also try to have self respect and boundaries so people wont take advantage of you. Develop yourself to be an interesting, likable and cool person so people wanna be near you. Do not get overly attached to people.

Partners- Pick people based on kindness, caring, honesty etc not based on assertiveness, detachment, confidence and charm. If they have the latter qualities that is a bonus but not the core.

Aquitancies- No reason to even give a shit about people you are not even close with to be honest.

 

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@Karmadhi when it comes to helping random people or friends I don't expect anything in return.. 

But when it comes to love and romance, the attachment is obvious. It is impossible to fall in love without emotional attachment to the person. 

You're right that I should pick a guy on the basis of kindness and honesty. 

But there is nobody to pick. 

Nearly all guys who approach me and other girls are the player type.. 100% of the time. 

There is hardly any trustworthy guy. Because those guys are too shy and don't bother to approach and end up single. 

The guys who are confident are the only ones who take the step to approach. They have the charm and they do say big things about living together forever but after a while they want to hop to the next woman they find. Now they are not unhappy with it. Because they are getting their supply of women. They will cheat them and find another one. It is me who is getting hurt and abandoned. 

It's very difficult to get a man who believes in staying loyal. This has become a chronic issue. 

guys who only want play and fun but no serious relationship. They just want women, be it any woman, they will hop from one woman to another. 

They have no problem in dumping a loyal woman as soon as they see another woman. 

They see it as a hunting sport 

No thanks. Done with such men. They are heartbreakers. 

 

These men can find women who sleep with 100 men every month. They won't get hurt. 

But a plain committed woman doesn't want to deal with this type of shit. 

 


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@Preety_India Maybe approach a little? I am not saying to literally approach but make it clear that you are interested in a kind honest guy. Just ask them out, they will do the rest do not worry. Personally i am a bit scared to make it clear that i am interested in a girl but if she does make it clear to me first indirectly then it is all good. So give them choosing signals that you are interested and it should be okay.I am sure that there are some kind caring guys that are confident enough to make moves once they know you are interested in them. Otherwise, well you can always do what guys do and hit on them instead of waiting to be hit on. It is unnatural but better than being hurt by the guys that actually approach. It is clearly the lesser evil.

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@Preety_India You need to understand it from both points of view. You may hate players but some of them have to be that way. Being a good guy in itself does not work. You need confidence assertiveness dominance charm and charisma and detachment to get girls. These traits if taken too far can corrupt you and turn you into a complete jerk. Especially after you have been heart broken or felt ignored by girls when you were a good guy. You feel this personal vengeance against them for ignoring or rejecting you. I do not support player asshole behavior but you need to see it from both points of view. Guys these days are incentived  to act in a way that if taken too far will corrupt you regarding being a good partner for girls. Not all of them can manage to stay in that sweet spot where they are confident charismatic detached assertive while also being kind caring empathetic etc. It requires a combination of the masculine or feminine that is very difficult to do for most guys. Usually they will either be feminine and not get shit, then go 180 change and act purely masculine which creates problems for girls in the long run so yeah.

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Be thankful you escaped.  Women can create powerful chemical attachments and betrayal is one of the most effective ways in breaking that bond. Now you're free.

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2 hours ago, Karmadhi said:

@Preety_India You need to understand it from both points of view. You may hate players but some of them have to be that way. Being a good guy in itself does not work. You need confidence assertiveness dominance charm and charisma and detachment to get girls. These traits if taken too far can corrupt you and turn you into a complete jerk. Especially after you have been heart broken or felt ignored by girls when you were a good guy. You feel this personal vengeance against them for ignoring or rejecting you. I do not support player asshole behavior but you need to see it from both points of view. Guys these days are incentived  to act in a way that if taken too far will corrupt you regarding being a good partner for girls. Not all of them can manage to stay in that sweet spot where they are confident charismatic detached assertive while also being kind caring empathetic etc. It requires a combination of the masculine or feminine that is very difficult to do for most guys. Usually they will either be feminine and not get shit, then go 180 change and act purely masculine which creates problems for girls in the long run so yeah.

I know for me when I became a “player” I got way more attention from women.

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@Preety_India

I’d like to throw in my two cents.

Sure, regression therapy could be great in terms of identifying the root cause of the problem; very likely it has nothing to do with your mother- when they pop the hood, what they find in 99% of cases is something a person never even thought of, that’s why it’s called subconscious, meaning outside of conscious awareness.

Here’s the more obvious problem- you lack self-esteem. Stop giving, and start receiving. How comfortable are you at receiving? Are you able to just accept without having a feeling that you owe/must pay back? In dating, when a man takes you on dates, wines and dines you, showers you with gifts, are you able to just enjoy the process without starting to feel guilty/feel like you now have to have sex with him to kinda pay him back cause he invested sooooo much already? How much is too much? The reason I’m asking is because this is so fundamental- without having a solid ground of self-worth underneath, you’ll just continue getting taken advantage of/used. If you master this one area, 90% of the problems you experience with people (men, especially) will do the magic trick, and disappear. You’ll know you’ve mastered this when men start competing for a chance to make you happy, and your reaction be like “good luck fellas, my life cannot possibly get any better lol”

 

Wishing you all the best on your journey :)

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57 minutes ago, K Ghoul said:

Here’s the more obvious problem- you lack self-esteem. Stop giving, and start receiving. How comfortable are you at receiving? Are you able to just accept without having a feeling that you owe/must pay back? In dating, when a man takes you on dates, wines and dines you, showers you with gifts, are you able to just enjoy the process without starting to feel guilty/feel like you now have to have sex with him to kinda pay him back cause he invested sooooo much already? How much is too much? The reason I’m asking is because this is so fundamental- without having a solid ground of self-worth underneath, you’ll just continue getting taken advantage of/used. If you master this one area, 90% of the problems you experience with people (men, especially) will do the magic trick, and disappear. You’ll know you’ve mastered this when men start competing for a chance to make you happy, and your reaction be like “good luck fellas, my life cannot possibly get any better lol”

 

Wishing you all the best on your journey :)

This advice is awesome. 

Yes I have trouble receiving and no trouble giving. 

So I'm trying to control my giving nature a bit. I can be too giving which has become a problem for me in my life 

I understand that kindness is important and somewhere my catholic upbringing is very responsible for this. I was raised in a catholic church surrounded by very giving kind catholic nuns. We would be made to feel very guilty if we didn't do charitable acts. It was like a norm to give but not expect to receive. It was just a moral code I was raised with. 

That's why I never really appreciated the receiving thing. I always felt a bit selfish for receiving. 

I'm trying to work on reversing my psychology where I can say "no" when I feel uncomfortable and not have to excessively guilt for myself for saying no.. 

Also I want to raise barriers and not feel guilty about  raising barriers.. 

I'm trying to be a bit selfish which I have to forcefully do since the guilt factor prevents me from thinking of myself  first. 

Maybe this is also the cause of me getting into relationships with low quality men because I feel guilty to reject them. 

It's just the feeling like I'm doing something wrong if a man wants me by rejecting him 

So now I need to work harder to say no to a man no matter how much ever he love bombs me.. 

Having barriers will help me to exclude men who are the types who tend to use women 

 

Thanks for the advice, it was awesome, cleared up a lot of my doubts. 

 


 INFJ loner... .shy girl.. 

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Yeah you need to do shadow work and inner child work, in my opinion. Thestarguitarist knows what he is talking about.

As I understand it, we all repeat the patterns that we learned in childhood. For you this is the pattern of being betrayed. Who role modeled this pattern for you? That question might bring some clarity for you. 

If you want a faithful guy so much, you better hurry up and clean up these patterns. You won't even be attracted to a good guy until you do, because a good guy won't fit into your patterns. Healthy patterns - healthy partner. I strongly suggest getting a therapist trained in CBT.


"Yes is the answer... And you know that! Fasho!

Yes is surrender! You gotta let it... you gotta let it GO!" - John Lennon, Mind Games

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6 hours ago, Preety_India said:

Maybe this is also the cause of me getting into relationships with low quality men because I feel guilty to reject them.

I have had the same thing with women. It was coming from guilt like you said and from erroneous beliefs such as "they need ME to make them happy, I am the only person who can make them happy." What would your beliefs look like on this?


"Yes is the answer... And you know that! Fasho!

Yes is surrender! You gotta let it... you gotta let it GO!" - John Lennon, Mind Games

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3 hours ago, NatureB said:

I have had the same thing with women. It was coming from guilt like you said and from erroneous beliefs such as "they need ME to make them happy, I am the only person who can make them happy." What would your beliefs look like on this?

My beliefs were " maybe this guy really loves me, I should not reject him, that's cruel. How can I reject his love. I'm not being gentle to him. He deserves my love if he loves me."


 INFJ loner... .shy girl.. 

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i think you shouldn't  hurry to be in a relationship. Some people have way too broad perspectives and have so many interests with weak direction, it is hard to direct them in short amount of time. you sound like you are interested in being a leader. to be a leader you have to be able to be broad and narrow. i think you are too broad  , you should narrow down. this process obviously takes time, it is like you are holding two distant ideas together because they both make sense seperately but they don't make sense together yet. or they are not connected yet.  what is gonna happen is your bridge between your ideas will become  stronger and it is gonna be easier to find right path over time.  people find their soul mates or their best friends  in their  50s. don't hurry.

 

 

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2 minutes ago, toocrazytobecrazy said:

i think you shouldn't  hurry to be in a relationship. Some people have way too broad perspectives and have so many interests with weak direction, it is hard to direct them in short amount of time. you sound like you are interested in being a leader. to be a leader you have to be able to be broad and narrow. i think you are too broad  , you should narrow down. this process obviously takes time, it is like you are holding two distant ideas together because they both make sense seperately but they don't make sense together yet. or they are not connected yet.  what is gonna happen is your bridge between your ideas will become  stronger and it is gonna be easier to find right path over time.  people find their soul mates or their best friends  in their  50s. don't hurry.

 

 

Super great advice. Thank you. 

Yes I kinda see it narrowing down 

 

 


 INFJ loner... .shy girl.. 

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