Preety_India

A Problem with Betrayals

45 posts in this topic

 

I have a huge problem with betrayals. 

This has been a recurrent theme in my life. 

I'm generally a very loyal person. But throughout my life I had to face multiple betrayals from friends, partners and acquaintances. 

They would use me for money or other help and after getting all the help, they would completely abandon me. Meanwhile I will be caring towards them and feel very hurt for how I got treated in return. 

Well it doesn't matter how much I helped them and I want nothing in return for what I did for them, but what hurts the most is the feeling that I was never wanted or loved. Only used. 

I don't help them for getting love but I do help them because I care about them. But when they show absolutely zero care or concern in return, it hurts big time. I feel like an abandoned puppy who always made everyone happy and when the owners were done with me, I was abandoned by the roadside. 

I was with a friend of mine for 3 years and I helped them so much, gave them so much emotional support, yet now they have completely forgotten me and don't even care to talk to me. 

How to identify and choose trustworthy people and how to deal with Betrayals and untrustworthy people? 

Also how can I recover and cope with such experience? 

 

Edited by Preety_India

 INFJ loner... .shy girl.. 

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There is a book called “Codependent no more” by Melody Beattie that I suggest you read. Not saying that you are codependent, but the book is good for anyone who is having issues with boundaries/giving too much to people - aka “I did so much for them and they didn’t appreciate it”.

 

 

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@Khr  it's not so much about the lack of appreciation. 

Because it's okay if they didn't say thank you or didn't appreciate. 

But what hurts is the lack of loyalty. Acting like there was nothing. No friendship. 

I was so faithful to them but they were never faithful in return. 

 


 INFJ loner... .shy girl.. 

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The problem is that some time ago when you were young you were probably shown disloyalty so now you have been attracting that into your life.

 

Some good ole shadow work will do the trick.

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@Preety_India Yes, but you are still expecting something in return - loyalty. It’s a triangle of shifting roles of rescuer, persecutor, and victim that you may go through. You need to realize that other people are not your responsibility. 

Edited by Khr

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9 minutes ago, Thestarguitarist14 said:

The problem is that some time ago when you were young you were probably shown disloyalty so now you have been attracting that into your life.

 

Some good ole shadow work will do the trick.

I didn't understand this. Can you elaborate? 

Do you mean that someone was not loyal to me in childhood? 

 


 INFJ loner... .shy girl.. 

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19 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

 

I didn't understand this. Can you elaborate? 

Do you mean that someone was not loyal to me in childhood? 

 

Yes.  Somewhere along the line (usually it is a parent, but it could have been anyone) you felt abandoned and internalized it.  And now you find yourself having the same kinds of relationships and friendships over and over again.  
 

It is because you have not dealt with the root cause.  
 

You have to go back and see what happened, heal from it and then and only then, will you be able to move forward.

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7 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

@Thestarguitarist14  I was abandoned by my mother. 

 

 

There is your starting point.  Start some inner child healing ASAP.  Your inner child (like all of ours) has been beaten, bruised and battered for too long.  She needs attention.

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1 hour ago, Preety_India said:

@Thestarguitarist14  I was abandoned by my mother. 

Exactly. So you have a fear of abandonment that is guiding your actions and attracting more abandonment. Subconsciously, the reason why you are helping people could be because you want to “control” them that way and keep them in your life. Subconsciously, there is a believe you have that your mom abandoning you is somehow “your fault” and that you are “not worthy” of unconditional love and having people in your life being there just because you are you and for no other reason. You need to realize that you are worthy and deserve to be loved just for being you. A person who loves herself will have healthy boundaries and will not allow anyone to take advantage of her. A person who loves herself will not associate herself with people who are constantly in trouble and are helpless, her time/energy is too precious for them. 

Generally, your “help” should be more of a nudge. Instead of pushing the wagon for someone the whole way, you show them  how to push the wagon, and then you step away and let them do all the work.

For some time, try to stop helping people or whenever you do help, do that assuming they will leave and help whatever amount it is that won’t make you feel bad once/if they leave. This will help you to set healthier boundaries.

If you read the book you can learn what amount of help is healthy to give to any person. 

Edited by Khr

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Association with the wise is the root cause for obliterating all misery. -  Tripura Rahasya

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I would say loving yourself most and treating people and knowing they are temporary, brings you calm and peace.

I'm exactly like you, but i will never do this to myself again. It has hurt me more than it has been a useful trait. In fact i'm trying to be more selfish, to get away from all the pain.

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Don't be their emotional trash can. Some people will treat you like shit if you let them. Enjoy time with people that make you happy. Who give already at the beginning, without needing you to help them first. Not vampires that only take take take.

Boundaries.

If you don't respect your time and energy why do you expect others to respect them?

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3 minutes ago, universe said:

If you don't respect your time and energy why do you expect others to respect them?

How should I respect my time and energy? What strategy should I use? 

How should I know at the beginning that they are not going to respect my loyalty? 

 

 


 INFJ loner... .shy girl.. 

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 Just don't invest yourself too much, emotionally and financially. Admittedly the more you invest the more it hurts, also the more disappointment there is. Give everyone the benefit of the doubt and know that this is life anything can happen, they can meet someone better or you can do that, so you shouldn't really care about them enough to put your happiness on them. Gain stability, the job you want and if people come let them, but don't go into this "this person is the one"

No, life is unpredictable, they are the one for today, tomorrow they could be gone.

I have listened to many tails from exes, you are the one for me I love you forever etc.

Never again falling for that.

They are temporary appearances in my life, i wave them goodbye.

Edited by Bulgarianspirit

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Just now, Preety_India said:

 

How should I respect my time and energy? What strategy should I use? 

How should I know at the beginning that they are not going to respect my loyalty? 

 

 

Hey,

I used to have the same problem as you and I learned the hard way.

You must realize that many of the people you meet are not necessarily deserving of your loyalty and you do not owe anybody anything.

If you're being loyal towards people it's because you have internalized a covert contract, this contract states that you should invest your time and energy into other people and in exchange they will appreciate you and want to do the same for you. Unfortunately the world doesn't work this way, most people are in fact driven by their narcissism and will have no problem running a train over you as long a sit serves their agenda, their brains will do the most impressive gymnastics to minimize any negative self-perception and your well being will NOT be taken into account.

So my advice for you is to never go full in into any relationship, never invest too much into anyone unless they consistently show you that they really deserve it, and when you do people big favors, you should either not care about the outcome at all or formalize what you want back (especially in more professional settings).

Also realize that the more you invest into people the more attached to them you become, the human brain works like that.

I know it's difficult to do this, especially since it's the right thing to do morally speaking but you have to take into account the world in which you live.

Maybe read stories about cheaters and how they justify their actions, it will open your eyes.

And this one too, always keep it in mind:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Scorpion_and_the_Frog

Good luck

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34 minutes ago, Bulgarianspirit said:

 Just don't invest yourself too much, emotionally and financially.

This is easier for a man to do if he doesn't want a woman long term 

 

But I want a man long term, as in for life. I don't want to marry a man and then end up divorced with a child and single mommy. 

I want a faithful man. But it's difficult to know at first if the person is loyal 

Because everyone says "I'll love you forever" but they don't hold good on their promise. 

Now I'm a "one man" type of woman. I will marry a man and live with him forever and not want a divorce. 

I have never betrayed any of my boyfriends in the past but they betrayed me. This also happens with my friends. 

I have reached a point of frustration where I can't have stability in life in terms of relationships. 

I have even dropped the idea of marriage because the thought of someone abandoning me with a child frightens me. 

I want a loyal secure relationship where I don't have to fear that the person will leave me for someone better or better opportunities. 

Like it happened with my ex. I left my job to be with him and invested a lot of time in him. But he found a better job in another city and he abandoned me for the lucrative job. He didn't care if I wanted to be with him or not. He just wanted a new life. I felt very bad because I left my job for him and invested my life with him only to get abandoned. He had no problem in abandoning me. Meanwhile I did everything to be loyal to him. 

Now this pattern is very frustrating where the other person doesn't care to keep any loyalty. 

My problem is how to weed out such people in the beginning itself. 

How to know that a person is trustworthy and loyal and will keep good on their promises and not just empty words of manipulation.. For sex or other things. 

How to know if someone is truly invested in me so I can prepare my plans to be with them without having my plans ruined in the end? 

 


 

 

Edited by Preety_India

 INFJ loner... .shy girl.. 

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I don't know the answer,  if there are loyal people i haven't met them. Furthermore both groups act similar, until something better comes up.

Also feelings change. I don't think it is easier for men or women. If women are left alone with a child it's bad for both the child and the woman. If a man is left because of another man, he loses his family and barely sees the child. Also he pays huge alimony in the western countries.

But in both cases, both parties lose. Furthermore, single moms and dads find it harder to date later on.

I myself am a child of a single mother, my father left when i was young.

 

 

Edited by Bulgarianspirit

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