What is the secret for being the social guy?

[StarStruck]

Since I joined the local gym I have been observing myself and others in a social perspective. How come some people get to make social connections so easily and others not? Some people obviousaly don't want to but if you are a well rounded person, who is young and who is looking for a mate social capital and status can be very valuable.

My observations in the gym

• Girls don't have to be approached. They become part of the cool club because the cool guys will include them
• Alpha male group don't approach beta male group
• If you are not part of the alpha male group you have to approach them and demonstrate you are part of them by confidence, lightness, fun, and expressing yourself
• People who are part of the alpha group are very present and not stuck in their head 

I still don't get why I have to push myself to become social. I actually did push myself out of comfort zone and made two loner fitness buddies whom I train with but I still haven't managed to become part of the cool club. The cool club consists out of 10 dudes or something. I befriended 2 of them but I kind of got awkward and got a sensory overload. This shouldn't be that hard because I see other new comer dudes in the gym ( like me) who became part of them in less than a week. 

[StarStruck]

Also these socially savy person can just sniff out if you are not confident and not cool by just one sentence you speak out. I think how you carry yourself  (body language and eye contact) plays a big role too. They will start ignoring you very quickly and you will be out of the rotation. 

I honestly don't get why people don't focus more on social circle. Once you are part of the rotation hot girls just keep flowing in and if you don't fuck up you can get laid very easily this way.

Anyway, I'm not doing this for the girls. I just want to make more friends, step out of my comfort zone, and defeat my fears.  

[electroBeam]

7 minutes ago, StarStruck said:

who is young and who is looking for a mate social capital and status can be very valuable.

No you don't. You don't need any friends or social capital to hook up with 3+ girls a week. Although you need to get over your insecurity of not having any social capital to do that. Go take large doses ayahuasca 2wice a week for 6 months to get over that. 

8 minutes ago, StarStruck said:

 

• Girls don't have to be approached. They become part of the cool club because the cool guys will include them
• Alpha male group don't approach beta male group

Yeah and if you join in with that cool club, you need to sacrifice your time, your sense of worth and soul to get there. 

Deliberately trying to join and be like the herd, is like deliberately trying to be a nazi. Its as low conscious as you can go. 

12 minutes ago, StarStruck said:

 

• If you are not part of the alpha male group you have to approach them and demonstrate you are part of them by confidence, lightness, fun, and expressing yourself

Yep and you'll be 1000x more of a stronger man than the alphas by having the balls to do that. You'll be super alpha. Plus you don't have to waste your precious time TRYING to be low conscious. 

13 minutes ago, StarStruck said:

 

• People who are part of the alpha group are very present and not stuck in their head 

What someone looks like on the outside doesnt correlate to what they look like on the inside.

13 minutes ago, StarStruck said:

 

I still don't get why I have to push myself to become social.

You don't. Becoming social is THE OPPOSITE of pushing. Its letting go. Giving yourself the space to be who you want to be, and flow with your environment in the way that feels right.

14 minutes ago, StarStruck said:

I actually did push myself out of comfort zone and made two loner fitness buddies whom I train with but I still haven't managed to become part of the cool club.

God, you remind me of my mindset in high school.

15 minutes ago, StarStruck said:

The cool club consists out of 10 dudes or something. I befriended 2 of them but I kind of got awkward and got a sensory overload. This shouldn't be that hard because I see other new comer dudes in the gym ( like me) who became part of them in less than a week. 

...

 

I had this mindset 5 years ago when I was in high school. And so that's where the empathy is coming from.

 

Your entire post is a projection of your insecurities, hatred of yourself, judgement of yourself, feeling isolate, lost, excluded, ashamed, petty, not feel right with who you are and the world you're in. You're desperate to feel loved, accepted, to fit in and to be valued for who you are, rather than what society wants you to be.

 

This post has absolutely nothing to do with figuring out how to be more social. Its a cry to, and a desperate plea for deep self acceptance. 

[StarStruck]

@electroBeam thank you for your extensive response. I appreciate it. Couple of points: it is true that I have a pain body. I was always the loner type. I really don't want to be stuck there and accept my faith. I would like to integrate and transcend by becoming socially successful and then moving on.

Also I don't really do it for the girls. My reason to become socially successful is purely to integrate and transcend. Would ayahuasca help? I did 5 MeO couple of times and it only made my fears bigger. I tried to let go and it worked to some extend to me hardcore psychedelics feels like trying to do calculus while I'm struggling with algebra. How will psychedelics solve my real life problems though?

Latest video by Leo  about ego development only confirmed what I always believed. You really can't become an enlightened person if the lower stages aren't developed. Lack of a social circle is a real thorn in my back. I don't even want to social circle for the social circle. I want the skills that one needs to get a social circle. Wanting a social circle but not able to get it is what really hurts. Social skills are important none the less, especially in business.

 

[electroBeam]

@StarStruck I think the motivation is not important (whether its girls of social success). Its the same problem regardless.

You do need a particular orientation for psychedelics to help you. I have that orientation, and psychedelics work wonders. I have a deep desire for change, and I have a deep desire to accept and love myself and the world. I see the value and importance in that. And I have a very brutal, militant, disciplined stage blue/orange hardcore monk sort of attitude to this work. You need to take large doses, not small or medium doses. Its like ripping off a bandaid. Going slowly is way more painful then fast, and with psychedelics, you need to go so far that you blow your ego up and get to the other side. Just going 3/4 the way is the way to traumatise yourself. Not sure what mindset you have though.

43 minutes ago, StarStruck said:

 

Latest video by Leo  about ego development only confirmed what I always believed. You really can't become an enlightened person if the lower stages aren't developed. Lack of a social circle is a real thorn in my back. I don't even want to social circle for the social circle. I want the skills that one needs to get a social circle. Wanting a social circle but not able to get it is what really hurts. Social skills are important none the less, especially in business.

 

You just need to understand that your mind is highly self deceptive and tricky. The fact is, you don't know what you want. You're wrong about what you actually want, yet it seems so believable and true that you do know what you want. 

Like for example, maybe you want social skills, not to excel at business, but due to the fear of death from being bad at business? And maybe to truly solve your problem, you need to focus on overcoming your fear of death?

 

The problem with trying to fulfill what you think you want (instead of what you actually want) is you'll end up realising, even if you get social skills and stuff, you'll be just as miserable then as you are now, and the social skills you'll develop will be shady and dodgy. It will be like a duck taped broken car instead of a brand new car, because you aren't fixing your root issues. And your root issues is not social skills, its rejection of the self. 

So I don't know what you need, but that's what comes up when I read your post. 

 

In my experience (someone with autism), I didn't work on any social skills, just worked on shadow root issues, and while my social skills sucked (super awkward) because the root issues were gone, there was this newfound attraction that spontaneously occurred. It was like people went from thinking my autism is weird and scary, to being peculiar and interested about how different it is. And that's because I deeply accepted and loved my autistic, socially awkward, weird self, and then people started accepting and loving me because of that. Acceptance and love is spreadable. And no one accepts themselves, so if you accept yourself, you're automatically different and a breath of fresh air even if you are socially retarded a bit. 

And then solving the social problems just happens naturally, because you just hang out with people more and things are all good. 

And because you solve the root issues, its not fake, its genuine. Lots of pickup gurus and alphas have a socially conditioned front, a fake front that isn't in their bones but just on the surface. And that can give them a bit of a dodgy, insincere energy, especially when shit goes down. I'd like to see how charming a frat boi is when he's on a sinking titanic, as opposed to an autistic kid who did lots of shadow work. But shadow work is harder for most people then coming up with a fake front. 

The other advantage of doing shadow work first is its way easier to be humble. Its super easy to be humble when you're socially awkward and aren't better than anyone else. Problem with pickup is its a game of increasing your social score and your status. And that's anti humility in nature. So a lot of the great PUAs have great social skills, but lack humility, and are super scared of loosing their amazing personality, or someone coming along and being better than them. And that's lots of suffering. If you accept yourself, you wont feel like that, because you genuinely wont feel better than anyone else. And most girls are into self centred, non humble guys, but there are a few psychologically healthy women who are into the humble guys more than the self centred ones and those girls are a delight to be with, so it works out better in the long run. 

Edited September 15, 2020 by electroBeam

[StarStruck]

@electroBeam

I will reconsider psychedelics again. Micro-dosing 5 Meo DMT is just torture so I stopped. I will vape 22 microgram in the near future.

My fears are these: having to live a lonely life, having no friends, and having no girlfriend. I'm starting to see how these fears are warping my perception of reality. I'm also seeing how I'm self-sabotaging to repel meeting people due to my fear. My subconscious is trying to keep homeostasis in my life.

Recently I got a gf and she likes me.  This girl is kind of a bomb in my life. Unconsciously I don't feel like I'm not worthy of a gf and she accepts me as I'm. You know what happened? My shadow side got control over me and I started binging on porn and avoiding meeting her(and developing erectile dysfunction). And as a result I'm hating myself.

I got into shadow work and I'm working on that. You are right, working on deep psychological issues through shadow work is more important than social skills. I think I will develop social skills naturally if I fix my shadow side.

Accepting who I'm with all my fuckups is hard but if I don't I will keep fucking up the rest of my life. I'm looking backwards instead of to the present/future. I'm 31 so there is definitely time to fix stuff. I'm ok accepting my autistic side but accepting for example my porn addiction is too hard. Porn addiction is the result of escapism of the present.

You are right. I don't know what I want. I don't want my happiness to depend on one girl. I feel like she will dump me because of my erectile dysfunction anyway. According to the nofap community it takes about 2-3 months to rewire your brain if you do hardcore nofap. So what do you suggest? Just accepting myself/present moment (in the form of meditation) and reading shadow work material?

Edited September 16, 2020 by StarStruck

[StarStruck]

Today I was contemplating about this topic and I came to the realization that my fear for a lack of love/affection/attention from people is like a poor person's mindset about money. 

A poor person's mentality is made in a household that is poor. The person grows up and goes out of his home. Becomes somewhat successful but still fears going broke and becoming poor like in his youth. Because of his fear he only sees dangers and no opportunities and thus spirals right into manifesting his biggest fears; becoming poor again. 

 

I guess I need to build a healthy relationship with love/attention/affection. I don't know how. Can anyone suggest some literature?

[Globalcollective]

@StarStruck Old RSD was great for learning to be social but they got put back in there box by METOO and PC culture. I mean they did ask for it. You can learn to be social by just forcing yourself into as many situations you find uncomfortable as possible whilst also learning the dynamics of how to social at the same time. 

Probably the biggest key in being socially savvy is calibration. Knowing how to adjust how your acting in response to the other person. Also high level of self acceptance and being in the moment makes it more possible for this to happen. People love when you are in a good vibe and enjoying yourself and don't take yourself to seriously. 

[StarStruck]

@Globalcollective what are some good old RSD programs? I will look them up. 

You are right about the calibration: socially savvy people do exactly what you described. If you can't calibrate to the situation it becomes weird and they start ignoring you. People do really like you based on how you make them feel, rather than rationalizations. 

What I would like to add to "accepting yourself completely" is to see yourself as a whole, and don't see your friend or gf as an extension of yourself. If you are not out there to get something, things won't feel weird.  It will rather become a natural expression of yourself. 

Edited September 16, 2020 by StarStruck

[Globalcollective]

13 hours ago, StarStruck said:

@Globalcollective what are some good old RSD programs? I will look them up. 

You are right about the calibration: socially savvy people do exactly what you described. If you can't calibrate to the situation it becomes weird and they start ignoring you. People do really like you based on how you make them feel, rather than rationalizations. 

Blueprint decoded is a good foundation, a lot of there old videos on youtube were good around 2013 to 2014.Brian Begin from the fearless man is also quite good. He adds some spiritual concepts too. I found RSD Alex quite useful too if you can find some of his old videos. Watching lots of infields can help. 

 

13 hours ago, StarStruck said:

 

What I would like to add to "accepting yourself completely" is to see yourself as a whole, and don't see your friend or gf as an extension of yourself. If you are not out there to get something, things won't feel weird.  It will rather become a natural expression of yourself. 

  Yes feeling whole without the need for them is key then you can add more value to them. 

 

Do you go out alot? 

[StarStruck]

@Globalcollective I don't go out because I had a small social circle and going out with corona is problematic. 

[universe]

You labeling them as the cool or alpha group manifests that it is hard for you to join them. Your need to be included is what makes it awkward. There is no alpha group and if you just talk to them like you talk to anyone and you share some of their values and interests you'd get along fine.

[Romer02]

@StarStruck I'm not sure what type of gym you go to but in my gym which is a small one, I believe I am apart of the Alpha males mainly because I was brought in the gym with my coach and that already puts me in advantage, we are a group mostly with other girls in the group as well and all of us have been lifting together for about 5 years. Mostly I don't even care about being friends with them honestly but I do love them a lot because they are my closest friends but I think to be cool you just don't care what anyone thinks about you, focus on your life purpose set your goals and go after them! I don't reccomend trying to get these peoples attention just focus on yourself and the noise you make from your life purpose will attract everyone and everything you need. 

[Romer02]

On 9/15/2020 at 6:31 PM, electroBeam said:

In my experience (someone with autism), I didn't work on any social skills, just worked on shadow root issues, and while my social skills sucked (super awkward) because the root issues were gone, there was this newfound attraction that spontaneously occurred. It was like people went from thinking my autism is weird and scary, to being peculiar and interested about how different it is. And that's because I deeply accepted and loved my autistic, socially awkward, weird self, and then people started accepting and loving me because of that. Acceptance and love is spreadable. And no one accepts themselves, so if you accept yourself, you're automatically different and a breath of fresh air even if you are socially retarded a bit. 

wow this is so beautiful 

[Romer02]

On 9/15/2020 at 6:31 PM, electroBeam said:

The other advantage of doing shadow work first is its way easier to be humble. Its super easy to be humble when you're socially awkward and aren't better than anyone else. Problem with pickup is its a game of increasing your social score and your status. And that's anti humility in nature. So a lot of the great PUAs have great social skills, but lack humility, and are super scared of loosing their amazing personality, or someone coming along and being better than them. And that's lots of suffering. If you accept yourself, you wont feel like that, because you genuinely wont feel better than anyone else. And most girls are into self centred, non humble guys, but there are a few psychologically healthy women who are into the humble guys more than the self centred ones and those girls are a delight to be with, so it works out better in the long run. 

Hey, man just wanted to know what book did you get for the Shadow work? Is that in Leo's booklist? 

[EyolfTheWolf]

I think is an amazing process for slowly building your courage. 

[hyruga]

 

The first thing you must do is show up, stay at the gym longer than others. People will know you are part of the group after a while.

Then, you also need to not give a damn what they think and even what you think. Don't be n3edy. You need to care about your own amusement. Then magically, people will gravitate towards you.

Edited April 2, 2022 by hyruga

[Bob Seeker]

Old thread. Glad it was resurrected cuz Electrobeam drops truth bombs here.

[mojsterr]

On 16/09/2020 at 0:31 AM, electroBeam said:

@StarStruck I think the motivation is not important (whether its girls of social success). Its the same problem regardless.

You do need a particular orientation for psychedelics to help you. I have that orientation, and psychedelics work wonders. I have a deep desire for change, and I have a deep desire to accept and love myself and the world. I see the value and importance in that. And I have a very brutal, militant, disciplined stage blue/orange hardcore monk sort of attitude to this work. You need to take large doses, not small or medium doses. Its like ripping off a bandaid. Going slowly is way more painful then fast, and with psychedelics, you need to go so far that you blow your ego up and get to the other side. Just going 3/4 the way is the way to traumatise yourself. Not sure what mindset you have though.

You just need to understand that your mind is highly self deceptive and tricky. The fact is, you don't know what you want. You're wrong about what you actually want, yet it seems so believable and true that you do know what you want. 

Like for example, maybe you want social skills, not to excel at business, but due to the fear of death from being bad at business? And maybe to truly solve your problem, you need to focus on overcoming your fear of death?

 

The problem with trying to fulfill what you think you want (instead of what you actually want) is you'll end up realising, even if you get social skills and stuff, you'll be just as miserable then as you are now, and the social skills you'll develop will be shady and dodgy. It will be like a duck taped broken car instead of a brand new car, because you aren't fixing your root issues. And your root issues is not social skills, its rejection of the self. 

So I don't know what you need, but that's what comes up when I read your post. 

 

In my experience (someone with autism), I didn't work on any social skills, just worked on shadow root issues, and while my social skills sucked (super awkward) because the root issues were gone, there was this newfound attraction that spontaneously occurred. It was like people went from thinking my autism is weird and scary, to being peculiar and interested about how different it is. And that's because I deeply accepted and loved my autistic, socially awkward, weird self, and then people started accepting and loving me because of that. Acceptance and love is spreadable. And no one accepts themselves, so if you accept yourself, you're automatically different and a breath of fresh air even if you are socially retarded a bit. 

And then solving the social problems just happens naturally, because you just hang out with people more and things are all good. 

And because you solve the root issues, its not fake, its genuine. Lots of pickup gurus and alphas have a socially conditioned front, a fake front that isn't in their bones but just on the surface. And that can give them a bit of a dodgy, insincere energy, especially when shit goes down. I'd like to see how charming a frat boi is when he's on a sinking titanic, as opposed to an autistic kid who did lots of shadow work. But shadow work is harder for most people then coming up with a fake front. 

The other advantage of doing shadow work first is its way easier to be humble. Its super easy to be humble when you're socially awkward and aren't better than anyone else. Problem with pickup is its a game of increasing your social score and your status. And that's anti humility in nature. So a lot of the great PUAs have great social skills, but lack humility, and are super scared of loosing their amazing personality, or someone coming along and being better than them. And that's lots of suffering. If you accept yourself, you wont feel like that, because you genuinely wont feel better than anyone else. And most girls are into self centred, non humble guys, but there are a few psychologically healthy women who are into the humble guys more than the self centred ones and those girls are a delight to be with, so it works out better in the long run. 

Can you please give some specific examples of your 'Shadow work'?

I've seen the term get tossed around a lot, but exact descriptions of the exercises are a lot easier to understand for me.

 

 

Edited April 2, 2022 by mojsterr

[Tudo]

On 17/09/2020 at 6:20 AM, StarStruck said:

@Globalcollective I don't go out because I had a small social circle and going out with corona is problematic. 

I go out alone it and works fine. With my friends, it's better, but alone it works fine too.

Eidt: Just now I realized this old thread. @StarStruck I hope you are doing fine by now buddy.

Edited April 2, 2022 by Tudo