Dating someone much older than you

[Stratos]

Hello everyone and thank you for reading this,

A couple of months ago I met a woman who is 35 years old (I'm 20). She is a friend of my mom and from the first time I saw her I knew that something would happen in the long run. And I was right. We first started talking and as time passed by we made out and eventually had sex. 

The thing is that i know that if we keep seeing each other I will eventually start having strong feelings about her (a process that has already started) and due to her age I am really concerned that she doesn't see things like I do and probably just wants to have fun (or even worse, seeing other men too and me being just a part of her "fun") i haven't asked how she feels or how she would like us to proceed because i do not want her to believe that I get emotionally attached too easy and push her away.

On the other side, I cannot keep doing something with her when I force my feelings to not grow or show up.

A friend of mine pointed out that I should stop having this stupid relationship mindset and start having fun with women without caring too much. But I find it extremely difficult to share my body, my thoughts and even feelings without giving a crap.

I would really need some help, thank you in advance,

Stratos 

Edited May 24, 2020 by Stratos

[Arcangelo]

9 minutes ago, Stratos said:

seeing other men too

She is already doing that, sorry.

[Mosess]

25 minutes ago, Stratos said:

i haven't asked how she feels or how she would like us to proceed because i do not want her to believe that I get emotionally attached too easy and push her away.

It sounds like you already know what you should do, or feel like doing, but are afraid of how she will interpret your message.

Go for it and ask her how she feels about the situation you are both in!  

[Preety_India]

 

Such huge age gaps in relationships can sometimes make a relationship toxic. Not saying all. But success is rare. 

Relationships should have more or less the same level of experience and maturity or else there is a power struggle and potential for game playing.. 

Edited May 25, 2020 by Preety_India

[Roy]

15 years isn't a super uncommon age gap, but it's usually between people who are WAY older. Like a 32 year old and 47 year old, or a 44 year old and 59 year old. When it's someone as you young as you, the power, wealth, and maturity dynamics are too mismatched that the relationship would even work in the long run. Too much imbalance.

There is also the factor that she is a friend of your moms, which is something that could blow up in your face and hurt your moms friendship with her friend if she found out. Don't let that happen if it doesn't need to.

Now yea you might catch feelings if you let things continue, and there are already problems that could happen like I mentioned above. As harsh as this may seem, it's entirely possible you are just a young fuck thing for her. Something to bring "excitement" to her life sexually.

You want to risk catching feelings and getting your heart ripped out in such a humiliating way?

Up to you ultimately. You make your own choices, just know you are treading in dangerous waters mate.

 

[Ananta]

@Stratos I think you should stop speculating and making stories in your mind. It's a better idea to ask her directly about it all.

 

[Gili Trawangan]

4 hours ago, Anna1 said:

@Stratos I think you should stop speculating and making stories in your mind. It's a better idea to ask her directly about it all.

 

This.

 

Also, while you're making up stories, consider her perspective. She knows she's much older than you are, and that you are not a mature man yet. If she does decide to get emotionally involved, it's a huge risk on her part as well. Who knows when you'll get tired of her and start chasing young girls your age... So, it works both ways.

[Stratos]

But asking her straight doesn't that prove that I'm immature? Aren't things much more clear for her? That means that the problem is me... 

[Leo Gura]

It ain't gonna work. Enjoy the fling but don't kid yourself.

It's possible to be intimate and also cut it off on a dime.

Stop treating intimacy as though it's some special snowflake. You can build intimacy with anyone at any time. Take ownership of that. There is nothing "special" about any one person. Every person is "special" if you decide they are. Romance typically involves a lot of illusion, so be mindful of how your own mind tricks you.

[Stratos]

I see, the whole situation is doomed if proceeded to something more serious. But how can I train myself to accept that what I feel doesn't mean something and I should just enjoy sex. 

I mean, how can I not let my emotions for this woman affect me negatively and then us as "sex partners"

Edited May 25, 2020 by Stratos

[docs20]

1 hour ago, Leo Gura said:

It ain't gonna work. Enjoy the fling but don't kid yourself.

It's possible to be intimate and also cut it off on a dime.

Stop treating intimacy as though it's some special snowflake. You can build intimacy with anyone at any time. Take ownership of that. There is nothing "special" about any one person. Every person is "special" if you decide they are. Romance typically involves a lot of illusion, so be mindful of how your own mind tricks you.

Well can you elabore more on this? Cause even with pick-up you can't build intimacy with anyone and still you find out people that trigger more the love buttons in you than others

[DIDego]

Toy-boy that grow to a relationship. 

EX-girlfriend age are close to 55 and i 40, lasted in 10 years.

Had a lot of fantastic experience.

All relationships are different and ours was maybe much more like a co-dependency, both grow up with childhood trauma, we might did some necessary trauma healing because this relationship and might also have made some new. That i did not know 10 years ago and what i know today is that big difference in age, dont really matter so much then you both are in the younger age, now i got some questions about if it harm both development or not, the-breakup is not so long ago.

Personal-development level issues come along the road both-way and the younger person maybe not are being able have the time to get all experience enough, before the elder one prepares more for the end part of life, to say it in short. 

We did our best and now impossible to say how we would live today, without experience from our life choice.

Edited May 25, 2020 by DIDego

[flowboy]

1 hour ago, Stratos said:

But how can I train myself to accept that what I feel doesn't mean something and I should just enjoy sex. 

Simple. By telling her how you feel and seeing what happens.

Two things can happen: either she realises that you're more serious about it than she is and breaks it off (80% chance), or you have an amazing sharing of feelings and deepen your romance (20% chance).

If she breaks it off, it's a quick and sharp pain which will magically cure your feelings problem in little time. If she has similar feelings though, it would be a shame for you to try to suppress yours, wouldn't it?

And finally: why do you give a fuck what your friend thinks? He apparently likes to have fun and nonattached sex (says he). And currently, you have found that this doesn't work for you in the same way. So that's it then, stop giving a fuck. Your friend's advice doesn't apply to you.

Now this may change in the future, don't start defining yourself as a "relationship person" forever. But for now this is apparently how it works.

And same goes for the woman: if she doesn't like that feelings and sex go together for you, she can leave.

 

I had a pretty serious affair with a 36 year old woman when I was 18. It was great.

Honesty is always better, you can't really be happy and relaxed with a person if there is so much going on that you have to hide.

That doesn't mean the results won't hurt, though. You really have to pick your poison.

In my story, I remember thinking similar things, that I should be free, not get too attached and not "miss out on other things". So I deliberately tried to cheat on her, to create some distance. That was fucked up man.

[flowboy]

Oh and to the people claiming "with such a difference in age and maturity it will never work out, blah blah", I say who cares?!

Who are you kidding, thinking a 20 year old guy should worry about whether his relationship will "work out" in the long term?

What does that even mean? Staying with her for 40 years?

Come on. If you're 20, your current relationship ain't gonna be your last one. And unless you want to get married in 2 years, it doesn't matter whether it will "work out".

Enjoy this one while it lasts, dude.

Only through multiple relationships will you learn what type of person you are compatible with.

Edited May 25, 2020 by flowboy
you*'re*

[flowboy]

Oh and about the friend-of-your-mom thing: Question the quality of that friendship.

She can't be that good of a friend.

Would you fuck your best friend's daughter behind his back?

Exactly.

 

[egoeimai]

Hello @Stratos

From what I read, it seems that you're not ready for this type of connection. You'll get hurt and you'll take your lessons. That's great and universe has always the best for you. You want commitment and trust but this lady  probably doesn't want something serious and she just is living her greatest life with you lol Maybe in your age she didn't have the chance to do what you're doing now. 

The problem is not the age gap as there are soooo many age gap relationships out there today, but your feelings now describe that is not the right time for you to sustain this. Maybe it'll break you but you'll grow from this. 

[Preety_India]

15 minutes ago, flowboy said:

Oh and to the people claiming "with such a difference in age and maturity it will never work out, blah blah", I say who cares?!

Who are you kidding, thinking a 20 year old guy should worry about whether his relationship will "work out" in the long term?

What does that even mean? Staying with her for 40 years?

You are not getting the point. It's not about living with her for 40 years or 4 months. It's about not getting hurt in a relationship. Nobody enters a relationship with the idea that they are going to break it at some point unless the guy has a player mentality. It's about protecting emotions. He is young, just 20. Nobody wants their earliest experience of a relationship to be a memory of being taken advantage of by an older person. Relationship trauma takes time to heal further delaying the process of getting a reasonable and decent relationship. The advice you're giving can work for fuck and dump mentality but if a person is emotionally attached, a bad relationship has consequences on the psyche especially in younger age and the effects are long term, examples like hating women, unable to experience intimacy, developing a vengeance against women for the hurt caused. 

So the guy already needs to be aware of what he is getting into. Toxic relationships at early ages  are the number one cause of relationship fatigue, intimacy and trust issues. 

That's why Leo said "don't kid yourself." 

 

[flowboy]

4 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

Toxic relationships at early ages  are the number one cause of relationship fatigue, intimacy and trust issues. 

Not really, the number one cause of that goes back earlier, would rather be a disturbed relationship with a parent, for example a parent rejecting you or being overly dismissive of your attention.

5 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

It's about not getting hurt in a relationship. Nobody enters a relationship with the idea that they are going to break it at some point unless the guy has a player mentality. It's about protecting emotions.

Relationships always come with hurt. It's part of the deal. You'll have fights, those hurt. And when it ends, it hurts too. No matter who broke up with who.

Going through stuff like that is important for one's development of maturity.

Protecting yourself from emotional hurt is like not letting kids play so they won't fall down: they never learn what to avoid. And the only way to really avoid emotional hurt is to not start any relationship at all. (And learn nothing)

[Stratos]

Now I am a little confused,

On the one hand I agree with some people saying that I should be honest and see where this leads, even when the chances  of building something  are low. 

On the other hand, not telling a thing to her about my feelings will lead to us keep seeing each other, but with me knowing that probably she was with another man  a couple hours ago.

So what would be the best move, to compromise my feelings or being open about them. Will they eventually get surpassed automatically?

[Preety_India]

1 minute ago, flowboy said:

Relationships always come with hurt. It's part of the deal. You'll have fights, those hurt.

That's a normal relationship. Not a toxic relationship. Fighting and breaking up is fine. But feeling that you were hurt in a toxic relationship has more dangerous effects and its best to avoid them. 

Also this is not to say to someone to not explore the world of relationships. It's only a way of telling them to be safe. Because you know many people are vulnerable.