d0ornokey

How to give people advice?

15 posts in this topic

How is it possible to give someone advice when you dont know what you dont know? Theres just too much to know in this world and always more to know so by giving advice, if that person takes it as absolute truth without any testing, they're gonna shoot themselves in the foot. 

Do I just give the advice?? Something is better than nothing I guess cuz otherwise they're stuck with the same issue? 

For ex, Leo's earlier videos were all about success. So many who watches that get sucked into that paradigm without being able to see other paradigms

Edited by d0ornokey

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@d0ornokey Sometimes I wonder if what people need is someone to listen... Someone who listens while a person digs deep, attempts to bring their feelings and thoughts to the surface, and through their own expression they hear themselves, they contemplate, they feel... and.. In this mixture the essence of the listener, the intelligence and heart of their field is present, this supports, opens, shares.... 

Our society seems to put much emphasis on being knowledgeable, expressing and proclaiming how intelligent we are, how "we know" what to do and how to fix... 

Listening.. It is a powerful thing..     Obviously it isn't 100% and isn't for every situation..   

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@d0ornokey Me too hommie... listener in training.... Such a wild experience, listening to someone and having the ego rise up, wanting to tell the other person about how "I know" "listen to my intelligence" "let me tell you how it is"... ahaha..  To feel that feeling coming up and be able to recognize.. to hold up.. and.... just listen.... ughhhhhhhhh... winning... listening.... hahahaaaa. 

Cheers.. 

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This is a topic that fascinates me. IME being present, listening and inquiring respectfully is way more useful than just giving advice. More often than not, people won't even follow that advice, they usually can come up with the solution themselves, what keeps them stuck is usually on an emotional level. 

However, I reckon how hard it is to hold back from giving advice, especially if you're in the mental health field, where people expect you to help them and often get very frustrated when you don't give concrete advice.

It's really hard to not get triggered by this because you can feel that they really feel desperate and stuck and need some guidance. But often when you finally give concrete advice, they don't follow through and you find yourself feeling frustrated because you put a lot of energy into thinking what could help them in their situation and then they don't do the work. 

Feels like entering a game that's lost before it started 😆

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I found thats it is not as much about "the advice" per se but about how you present it. You have to consider the person's ego, their spiritual development, their current mood, their relationship the advice-giver and many other things. Some people will not accept advice from someone simply because they don't like their face or something about them, perhaps a spot on the shirt. 

It is also important not to overwhelm or write too much but give a simple advice and be opened for more questions, if none come, don't push it. They may still come back after they have contemplated their relationship with you and the relevance of the advice to their own existence. 

 

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@d0ornokey Ask for permission first. "May I ... ?"

If the person doesn't want your advice, then they don't need it. Don't push it don't their throats.

And yes I agree that just sitting with someone and listening is oftentimes much better than giving your advice.

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I have given a lot of advice on this forum and in hindsight I can see that it has been ineffective and patronizing and not what the person really needs. If the person comes up with his/her own solution to the problem, then they will do the required work. No one likes to be told what to do. Therapists and life coaches don't give advice, good ones at least. They ask good questions and gently help the client come up with their own solutions.

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@d0ornokey If I offer suggestions to someone I try to do so from a place of love and empathy. I try to listen to them and imagine what the situation is like. I avoid saying things like "You need to do xyz or you should do abc". Rather, I would try to listen and connect. For example, if someone was telling me about a PTSD issue, I might try to connect by saying "I don't have PTSD, yet I have had severe anxiety that felt like xyz. . . Is it sorta like that?". Or I may ask about their experience and try to imagine what it's like, rather than simply judging and analyzing the situation. I also try to stay centered in my own experience, rather than opinions I have no experience. I may say "I had a similar situation and did xyz which was helpful. I also did abc which was a mistake". Or I may imagine "If it were me, I would probably try xyz". Or "Perhaps you could try abc.". The key for me is to come from a place of love and connection. 

I also try to get a sense of how much advice the person wants. One of the traps I get into is assuming that people with issues need to be fixed and I need to help fix them. For example, if someone was describing how hurt they feel that their gf cheated on them, my mind may go into "solution mode" and start thinking about what actions to be taken so we can feel better. Yet that is not always wanted or needed. Sometimes a person just wants to express feelings and connect with a supportive person. If so, I may say "yea, that happened to me too. I loved her so much and it hurt so bad". Then we may share about the experience without coming up with a 5 point action plan to deal with the situation. 

There are also situations in which someone wants to stay immersed in conflict and is hyper-blaming. They might want me to cosign theri BS and join in on the bashing. For example, someone may complain nonstop about how their gf nags him and how much of a bitch she is. He may want me to support his view and start bashing his gf with him. I try to dis-engage from that dynamic. 

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Seeking advice about giving advice....hmmmmmm

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2 hours ago, SOUL said:

Seeking advice about giving advice....hmmmmmm

Could you expend on that? I don't see a problem

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You have to try and think from the other person's perspective. What are his values? What outcome does he want? Then you say whatever you want to say. Otherwise, like most people, you will say your piece and not help at all. And try to emphasize. South park had a really good episode on this. 


Quote

Meditation is like polishing a brick to make a mirror. Philosophy is like a net to catch water. The buddah did not meditate. It's just how he sits. 

- Alan Watts 

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On 15.01.2020 at 11:36 PM, d0ornokey said:

Theres just too much to know in this world and always more to know so by giving advice, if that person takes it as absolute truth without any testing, they're gonna shoot themselves in the foot. 

@d0ornokey I can relate to your pain.
Seeing other people hurt themselves because they are hurt is just soul-crushing.
It's difficult to not give advice when you see it.

I've come to understand that offering solutions does not work because coming up with them is actually not all that difficult.
People know what they should do in order to be happy, but they don't take their pain and suffering seriously enough to act on it.
Helping them get in touch with it, actually live it with them is much better in my experience.

Take care.


Understand, then, that it is not because of your righteousness that the LORD, your God, is giving you this good land to possess, for you are a stiff-necked people.
Dt 9:6

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@d0ornokey Beautiful question

 @Serotoninluv 's advice is what I am striving for in such interaction. When I don't know what to say, not say, I ask myself: "What would love do now?" listen to the answer and flow with it. 

It feels great and leaves no wondering of should I have done that, said that etc. I did the best I could.

 

@tsuki  Thank you for that insight!

 

Edited by Damien

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