Pramit

I put up butterflies in my room. Little plastic ones, each one painted differently. They came with a little strip of glue paper. It held up for a while, but eventually started falling off the surface of lamps (I like to joke that this fall coincides with my hairfall). I was feeling pretty depressed and anxious today. Its a weekend and I stayed inside, and I was ruminating (or perhaps grieving is the right term?) on the end of a relationship, or its change, and then everything else followed. And I subsequently feeling lonely. What am I supposed to do with faced with such unstability in my life? Not stay in bed? hah! I don't know what drove me, but I decided to pick up the fallen butterflies and put them up again. I can do that, unlike my hair. My mind does seemingly focus on the negatives when I am in a hole. I was still sad, but at least I wasn't in bed. I started to contemplate on the myth of sisyphus and camus. I guess me putting back the butterfly is an analogy for the story of Sisyphus. I wanted to be free, to choose my own happiness. But I am bound to fail, and I am bound to perform repetitive actions to maintain my things. And more importantly, I can only do limited things and I am chained in a prison of "my" own devising. And yet there was a strange calm in putting back the fallen butterflies. I was slow, methodocally putting glow on the underside. And I didn't have a gurantee that it wouldn't fall again (it'd suck if it does). I guess there is freedom in the defiance. Freedom isn't something external, but its a decision I think. I decided to be free by doing exactly the same thing that would indicate that I am not free. Or may be I am deluding myself. But isn't all of this a grandiose delusion? I couldn't taste the tea, but now I can. It's not so bad, tastes a little sweet and minty. Not warm anymore though. That's okay, a little imperfection gives it weight.

I hope you enjoy the process

Yes of course

Too much has happened, I'm not sure how much I've changed since the last post.

I feel myself growing as a person, and the social part of my brain is now developing quite nicely. Still needs more time, but I am happy with my attempts to change and develop further as a person. I am genuinely happy with who I am and what I have done so far. I think I can die without regrets. I have become somewhat apathetic towards science, and this apathy is broken by the occasional crisis, event. And then I run out of steam again. I also need to find better ways of dealing with my social anxiety in my workplace. I used to think that my growth would not be scientific, but now I see that I can grow with how I deal with my work as well - in fact I should recognize this challenge for what it is and use it as a cruel staircase. All the while retaining my humanity and the kindness (and charity towads other people) that makes me, me. I need to become more proactive in my social life, but at the same time accepting of things that don't conform to my expectations. It's a game I can get better at, but I cannot predict the results. May be I can better recognize my own charm - my empathy towards others and my charisma. I think at my lowest, I can now do something about it - and that is a huge huge progress. I can actually leave the house when I am at my lowest. It is not easy, it may take some time, and there will be days when I can't get out of bed or take care of myself, days with excess anxiety, panic attacks, loneliness. But even then, I can persevere - I can resolve to overcome these. And when I do, I can recognize myself for the monumental effort that I put in to overcome something entirely invisible but entirely real and terrifying. I may not be able to negotiate with the world at large about my condition, and that is okay. I acknowledge myself, and my struggle. I am putting more importance and trust in my own thoughts and intuition about things, and I am growing and learning from other people. Slowly I am absorbing many things. Let's see where this road takes us For now, I am incredibly proud of me. And that is worth everything.

There are still happenings Nothing ended

Hello there! It's been..some time. What have I been up to, you ask? Well..I've been trying to change. To connect with people, to be more honest with myself and others, to break some walls down, to stop caring so much, and to find some happiness for pramit. It is not easy, pramit has a lot of demands that are just hard to fulfill sometimes. But he also sometimes lets me see the most wonderful things I could possibly imagine, so its okay. Can people change? I think I can. I am not completely sure, but I can try. Its time to take a leap of faith.

and a happy new year to you! Though its a bit late for new years wishes. Plants and insects fascinate me. I want to keep watching things from this perspective for some more time. Thanks, for many things.

Happy new year me! And anyone who reads this journal. To belldy, I'll show you a good time while I am alive. Or at least I promise to keep it interesting. Can't do more than that you know, I'm just human. Found this song through a friend: Sleeping At Last - Sleeping At Last - "Saturn" (Official Music Video) - YouTube I'm a bit lonely.

A beautiful perspective This perspective came about when I thought about time, and read "Three days of happiness" by Fafoo (https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B075-RPoqHSkZ0VoVExfYi1pVWM/view) along with Seneca's letters on the Shortness of time and Tranquility of mind. The idea is that the way we experience time is not linear, rather time only exists for the particular moment and depending on how meaningful the human activity you are engaged in. So 3 months could have more time than 30 years, given the right circumstances. To understand the consequences of this, it takes you to a weird place, and I found this beautiful. So I am calling it a beautiful perspective. Karl Jaspers on the character of modern science: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PGgaTmNqjUA Pretty interesting video, articulating the difference between modern and ancient science. Modern science is more imaginative, and its imagination is for the purpose of breaking the boundaries of established thought or taking it to its limits. On the other hand, ancient science uses imagination to fit with already existing notions. "Modern science goes to extremes in questioning". The biggest character of modern science is that it tries to know its own limits and uncertainities. Anyone who believes that science is certain is suffering from "science superstition". And on the opposite side you have "science hatred". Of course the uncertainity of science does not mean that your crazy idea has the same validity. Scientific ideas are judged by their rigour and experimental validity, so only replace a theory only if you get something even more precise. It has been a crazy few weeks with me doing some changes to the way I think and deal with situations. I have been meditating 2 hours a day, 1 hour per session. Exercise routine is still ongoing. I desperately need a change of scenary. But I am afraid of not being able to handle the changes. I am currently reading Albert Camus's "The myth of Sisyphus". Always wanted to read this, but it has been a struggle since I dont have the background to read some of this. Listening to old psychiatric recodings, and interrogation footage from police station. My interest in human psychology took me here. I am taking interpersonal relations more seriously, but it will take time to cultivate (and a willingness to overlook a lack of reciprocity). Someone has advised me to "keep my heart open", and that's exactly what I am going to do. My heart is open..come! wait..where are you going?! The gardens of my love

"You are always in the middle. Where else would you be?" - Alan watts in 'Every incarnation is this one' Alan watts is referring to how we experience ourselves as being in the middle. "Where else would you be?". I was thinking about the same thing recently. Well, not entirely the same, since I was thinking of emotional states rather than the overall perspective. That is, to put it in similar words as watts said, the one in the middle is always the you of the present. Every emotion is the right emotion. Every perspective is the right perspective. OR rather, the concept of right and wrong is moot when it comes to this. So what are we bothered about? I don't know anymore! And that's exactly what is happening now. I went out yesterday to find 20-30% of the people in the streets not wearing mask. Social distancing is non-existent (and impossible to do here). Three kinds of profile pictures for job profiles or networking profiles: 1. Super confident : "Look at my pose and tell me that I am not competent for your job" or a slightly threatening pose 2. Cool hipster (artists) : Picture unrelated to the profile, or an unconventional photo. Since its rare, may be its more accurate to not call this a category. 3. Warm appropachable (best for roles that interact with people) : "Look at my warm smile" There's a fourth category that people like me tend to embody, and this is the "lame ass passport photograph". I haven't seen a facebook wall for a very long time. But recently I've had the pleasure of looking at my linkedin feed, and its really lame. The brain and the environment are in a constant state of feedback. The brain is also in a constant state of feedback with itself. Both occurs through communication between different "parts"(could be cells, bunch of cells, brain regions, etc). This biological communication is done through chemical or electrical means. Now, my question is, at what point in the history of the birth of the organism, did this signalling really begin? Can you trace the development of this feedback loop and follow it along as it matures? This overall activity is the closest you can get to the "soul". Part of my life has been an obsession with reclaiming my life. I love it when research papers start with "However for [phenomenon], little is known about [the thing I am studying]". Its such a common phrase! And for complex biological systems, I suppose it would remain true for a long time. So very true! Thanks Pramit from 27/12/2019! Random trivia: Homosexual fruit flies/drosophila

Aimer is really awesome.

Sometimes you read stories of people who have gone through spiritual transformations due to certain experiences from drugs or accidents. Such as a story about someone who became a musicophile after a out of body experience during a cardiac arrest. In these interviews, the subject always tries to give a spiritual explanation for the event. [Perhaps it is a journalistic bias that keeps the scientific people from having these experiences and explaining them in scientific terms.] These people are afraid or find a scientiic explanation unwelcome - as if it somehow ruins the whole show. This is a very interesting phenomenon, and a social psychologist should study this. Those people, like most people who take "spirituality" seriously, might be self-identifying with this new story about themselves that they have constructed. It might be interesting to see what the underlying factors (eg, social media habits, education level, etc) are that maintain these identities. I just finished reading the book "Outliers" by Malcom Gladwell. One of the interesting things about this book is the narrative structure that feels like a investigation. The author starts with the incorrect premise, but does not let us know just yet that its incorrect. This adds to the shock value when he introduces small but significant details that completely change the whole story. Its pretty amazing, and it makes the point that much stronger. I have come to enjoy the silence of the night. Time changes one's perspective. Or may be its just the fact that my neighbourhood is extremely noisy during the day. To seek to destroy others is to seek to destroy yourself. I have learned this lesson recently. Only an empty feeling remained afterwards. I have been studying social psychology though an online course in coursera and the book readings that come with it. It has been a very interesting journey so far. It has explained some things rather nicely. For example, my value for academia might be more due to social expectations (both from myself and how the people surrounding me talked about me). We are always playing the social game, performing to others and to outselves. I am taking notes from every lesson I learn, I'll post them here once I finish the course (or if I finish it). I have attached an eye-opening article on mental health hospitals in the 70's. The god of many faces : In game of thrones there is a god of death, and his followers wear the skin of the victims, in their belief that death is faceless. In our lives, we encounter a lot of faces, possibly a great number of them. We wear a few ourselves. We play dress up, but inside...inside we are nothing, faceless. There is nothing undereath. No soul. Therein lies the beauty of it all - nothing can remain. How to divert our behavioural loops: This is a difficult question that has been the struggle of my life for sometime now. I have not been successful in diverting the loop. The difficulty lies in the sustained effort needed for the personality to change itself. First, you must be aware. Second, self awareness must lead to an outcome different from the ordinary one. Third, you must repeat this. The trick is to not try - for if you try you will fail. There needs to be a search engine for science articles for the general public or those looking to get informed without wanting to practically write a research proposal on it. Google is really bad at it, since the top results is usually dominated by "for profit" websites. Unless its a very specific query. On being sane in insane places-an experiment-Rosenhan.pdf

^random thoughts. Writing a research proposal is a very helpful activity to gain insight into a field - its current questions and its problems. It is also a great way to obtain clear thinking, to refine your skills in asking questions (one of the most fundamental activity in science). And most important, if you have nothing better to do, its an exciting activity that keeps you awake and gives you a purpose in the short term. It also leads to producing something useful. As written on this page under "write a research proposal and get it criticized". The coronavirus crisis seems to be starting in India now. Its a scary thought as to what happens when the lockdown is repealed and people go out into the streets with the false perception that coronavirus is no more. Cases will start to spike immediately in a country as densely populated as India. Staying six feet apart and social distancing is impractical here. I can't help but feel that we are fucked. There is a very helpful simulaton of the coron virus outbreak here : https://ncase.me/covid-19/ When I look at popular media and see what the people enjoy, I am often reminded of fast food. Another thought about popular media, I wonder if we can look at the collection of media that a country enjoys as its "consciousness". The bar is quite low right now. You can't talk about zen, but you can't stay silent either. The moon reflects on the silent puddle of water. I cannot cling to wisdom, but I cannot not-cling to wisdom either. What does that nonsense mean? It means that the moon reflects on the silent puddle of water. I was concerned with this for some time, as well as being concerned about writing about this, since by writing I was creating the illusion of it (however, by not writing, I was not acknowledging that it exists). So the answer is - The moon reflects on the silent puddle of water. Moments ago, someone saw through me, and it was reflected crudely in the silent puddle of muddy water. So I saw through them, and I saw the moon. And it was the puddle reflected on the moon. There, I said it again. What cannot be put into words, I just did it. I promised to leave, and therefore I left. The trick to sleeping without dreams: []