khalifa

A month later after 5meo symptoms update

50 posts in this topic

I notice that everytime i come home, whether it's my room or when i sit at the dark, i've noticed it's also present in all rooms around home, i can feel anxiety, it feels like my body thinks on it's own sometimes it feels like i'm about to lose control or get unstable, i'm not sure why that happens, hopefully it'll sort itself out, (i was guessing it's some sort of ptsd because of a near death experience with 5meo)

I feel better when i leave home or sit infront of plants, or when i'm at the beach it's less noticeable, i noticed it comes up at the mall or when driving at night sometimes, I'm quite confused about it.

I guess i'm just worried about long nights, since i spend a lot of my nights just trying to sleep wondering if i will sleep soon, and then i would experience strange sensations that i dislike, like the recent episode was around 3 days ago where i felt like my mind was just zooming/time traveling while i was still conscious and in my place. Although i'm pretty sure it's my mind playing tricks on me because i talked to a friend that did like ecstasy+ some other psychedelics once a year, where he told me a similar story regarding his consciousness would travel either to the left or right while he was trying to fall asleep, It felt similar to that.

 

I guess i should just let go and let go overtime it should sort its self and i'll be fine?

 

I notice when i read assurance posts that i'll be fine and back to normal eventually, it makes me feel more at peace and less anxious since my mind is racing with worrisome thoughts.

 

I'm still confused if this is PTSD anxiety or kundulini since i do feel vibrations around my head and heart area mostly. I no longer feel any sensations in my legs at nights from the few nights before it. Those were there at the first 2 weeks mostly. I guess my symptons are lessening so that's good.. But yet it feels like a high struggle with anxiety randomly coming to my body over mind.

I do fear nights from being long to be honest they are hard to endure.

 

If their's anything i've learnt from this experience, it feels like everything will go away eventually, my health, my love, my age, my family, my friends, my degree, my job, my car, my home, my purchases, my country, everything will be taken away from me eventually, there's nothing i can do about it but be what i am right now, live being present and simple. there is no need to seek any further. life's really a cherry pick learn phase with lots of letting go to enjoy the moment. it's optimal that way, or else it doesn't feel so pleasant.

 

Edited by khalifa

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@khalifa sounds like a kundalini awakening. It is trying to kill your ego and your ego is fighting for survival. 

If you want to learn how to let the ego die and accept all the implications, there is a good book called Mastering the Core Teachings of the Buddha by Daniel Ingram. You make it through this via radical acceptance of all there is.

The faster you can learn to accept all, including the death of all your ego's dreams, desires, etc, the faster you will get through this. It also means you have to accept that your life does not have the meaning and purpose that you used to think it had. Accept it does not matter if "you" live or die. It will open up to just existing in the flowing present moment. When you learn to settle into this, that is where you will experience beauty and true happiness unlike anything you have ever imagined.

Keep working on locking yourself into the present moment and staying there. Ask yourself, what is "bad" in your direct experience of the present moment? You will notice all your suffering is an illusion you are creating, made worse by your ego's fight for survival.

When you meditate, purify yourself by letting go of all your resistance, attachments and aversions on the exhale. Keep doing this and settle into the acceptance.

I went through this a couple years back and came out the other side permanently changed. VERY difficult but necessary for the path. You have no idea what kind of beauty is waiting for you :)

According to sacred Buddhist texts, once you make it out the other side to equanimity, you will have reached the first level of enlightenment.

Edited by Matt8800

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15 minutes ago, Matt8800 said:

@khalifa sounds like a kundalini awakening. It is trying to kill your ego and your ego is fighting for survival. 

If you want to learn how to let the ego die and accept all the implications, there is a good book called Mastering the Core Teachings of the Buddha by Daniel Ingram. You make it through this via radical acceptance of all there is.

The faster you can learn to accept all, including the death of all your ego's dreams, desires, etc, the faster you will get through this. It also means you have to accept that your life does not have the meaning and purpose that you used to think it had. Accept it does not matter if "you" live or die. It will open up to just existing in the flowing present moment. When you learn to settle into this, that is where you will experience beauty and true happiness unlike anything you have ever imagined.

Keep working on locking yourself into the present moment and staying there. Ask yourself, what is "bad" in your direct experience of the present moment? You will notice all your suffering is an illusion you are creating, made worse by your ego's fight for survival.

When you meditate, purify yourself by letting go of all your resistance, attachments and aversions on the exhale. Keep doing this and settle into the acceptance.

I went through this a couple years back and came out the other side permanently changed. VERY difficult but necessary for the path. You have no idea what kind of beauty is waiting for you :)

According to sacred Buddhist texts, once you make it out the other side to equanimity, you will have reached the first level of enlightenment.

Thanks

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3 minutes ago, ActualizedDavid said:

Keep working on locking yourself into the present moment and staying there. Ask yourself, what is "bad" in your direct experience of the present moment? You will notice all your suffering is an illusion you are creating, made worse by your ego's fight for survival.

When you meditate, purify yourself by letting go of all your resistance, attachments and aversions on the exhale. Keep doing this and settle into the acceptance.

I'm still confused about meditating, I thought we aren't supposed to meditate after 5meo kundulini is running wild since it'll just trigger it and make it more unbalanced? This is part of why the nights are so long because i just don't know what to focus on and i keep accidently focusing on my breath then i get all these strange states of mind that i feel unpleasant about, sometimes i just want it to end, i start doubting that my brain chemistry is unbalanced and so on, it makes me fear this awakening scheme, since my body is acting on it's own and not really based on my mind, like i'm fine i'm calm, atleast i think i am why is my body suddenly scared triggered from falling asleep it gets tensed up. I question that a lot, and i wonder is still thinking it's about to die? Does it realize that it is an illusion and is on denial? is my body conscious and vibrating to that, I just wonder and wonder. It makes me feel uneasy since there are no straight up answers out there since everyone's experience is different and unique as there is no one fit size answer for us all. The 5meo was very unpredictable for me far off my expectations. I thought i'd become infinite love and call it a day on seeking, but nope here i am a month later wondering what's going on

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1 hour ago, khalifa said:

@Matt8800

i'd rather learn how to kill the kundulini, i like khalifa he's nice guy

@khalifa Ah, the ego is still fighting. This is what is making it so difficult for you. Sounds like you have a long fight ahead of you. This could go on for a long time. Im not sure if a Kundulini can be reversed. I think the only way is forward imo.

I dont think you understand what you are saying no to. I would never take my old life back in a million years.

Edited by Matt8800

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1 hour ago, khalifa said:

@Matt8800

i'd rather learn how to kill the kundulini, i like khalifa he's nice guy

This is precisely why you shouldn't have been doing the 5meo in the first place


"Started from the bottom and I just realized I'm still there since the money and the fame is an illusion" -Drake doing self-inquiry

"F*ck the materialist paradigm coming straight from the metaphysical" -  woke N.W.A.

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I'm probably biased towards saying this but for me personally MDMA done with pure intention is the number one tool for integrating difficult experiences such as these, for some individuals the sheer terror of these experiences is too much for one to want to face it and surrender to it, which is exactly what this substance allows you to do. Obviously one should not rely on it for integration but for more extreme cases it can truly be tremendous. 

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@TrynaBeTurquoise

yeah, i believed the awakening hype as if it would fix something in khalifa as if he was deficient , but tbh i was already happy, yet i fell into an ego trap of seeking more, the experience let me learn to be content as is no need to seek more or less, just be being in whatever form it is, my preference is to keep khalifa and give him the love he deserves, nothing wrong with that

whether this is another deluded view or not if the absolute allows it, it can never be wrong can it

-----

update-

I've noticed i get anxious when i'm at home, slept at a friends home and anxiety was less present there, the moment i'm home i can see it come up, it confuses me yet i understand that it's just fear, what kind of fear i even speculate mostly of losing control / not being able to sleep at night / lots of worries, they are hard to control in a racing mind, thinking of renting a temp home to test the waters if that helps me heal faster, then again that means i'm running away from home? wondering what would be a more optimal way to heal here

 

Edited by khalifa

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13 minutes ago, khalifa said:

@TrynaBeTurquoise

yeah, i believed the awakening hype as if it would fix something in khalifa as if he was deficient , but tbh i was already happy, yet i fell into an ego trap of seeking more, the experience let me learn to be content as is no need to seek more or less, just be being in whatever form it is, my preference is to keep khalifa and give him the love he deserves, nothing wrong with that

whether this is another deluded view or not is the absolute allows it, it can never be wrong can it

-----

update-

I've noticed i get anxious when i'm at home, slept at a friends home and anxiety was less present there, the moment i'm home i can see it come up, it confuses me yet i understand that it's just fear, what kind of fear i even speculate mostly of losing control / not being able to sleep at night / lots of worries, they are hard to control in a racing mind, thinking of renting a temp home to test the waters if that helps me heal faster, then again that means i'm running away from home? wondering what would be a more optimal way to heal here

 

Nice I think you discovered the right mindset there in accepting what is as it is and loving yourself. What if you apply that to the kundalini energy? Instead of treating it as something separate than yourself, perhaps treat it like an aspect of yourself, because ultimately it is just you, and send it unconditional love. Even if it seems hostile or whatever, send it love and accept it best you can. I know this will heal you.


"Started from the bottom and I just realized I'm still there since the money and the fame is an illusion" -Drake doing self-inquiry

"F*ck the materialist paradigm coming straight from the metaphysical" -  woke N.W.A.

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Have you read spiritual emergency yet? 

 

If not read that book as soon as possible

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You're just overthinking it. It's easy to see because of how detailed your reports are about where it's more or less intense. This is anxiety thinking. Anxiety feeds off your fear and attention. 

You have a bunch of imaginative people here suggesting to you that you're on the verge of some crazy ego death and having kundalini awakenings, etc. I wouldn't take it too seriously. It's probably just adding to your stress. 

The good news is, whether it's "kundalini" or just plain old stress causing weirding body sensations and symptoms (very typical) - the answer is the same. It will pass. You will be fine. Know this and float through what's happening until it subsides. Don't worry!

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On 9/6/2019 at 8:54 AM, khalifa said:

I'm still confused about meditating, I thought we aren't supposed to meditate after 5meo kundulini is running wild since it'll just trigger it and make it more unbalanced?

Who told you that nonsense? meditation and finding inner stillness by whatever means is the most important thing one can do in today's day/age. Spending time in nature, grounding, meditation, being quiet, still and silent are very important especially under these circumstances. You must be spiritually-grounded and attuned to handle such powerful substances so now you are being forced to do so. Its pointless resisting.

Edited by pluto

B R E A T H E

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@pluto

from : https://theconclave.info/

https://uploads-ssl.webflow.com/5d3751abc200c54724f3dbdf/5d38dc9c0ab1ce1c6a79d322_Integration-Guidelines-CONCLAVE-28.05.18.pdf

If you scroll down  to

 

Quote :

"Some Things to Consider Avoiding:1.Meditation – Various meditation techniques generally serve well to still and calm the rational thinking mind and to rarify consciousness and are definitely recommended for long term integration. However, when activated the contents of the psyche can be highly stirred up and regular meditative techniques can sometimes trigger further reactivation. If the initiate’s intent is to effectively ground themselves, it is recommended to suspend any regular meditative practices until these reactivations settle. "

 

 

----

Holy shit i just read the below one and i can relate, didn't realize i've been doing that

 

"Obsessing & Pathologizing – There is a tendency, when one is continuing to reactivate after one’s initial experience, to obsess on the idea that the reactivation process may not cease or that something is somehow “wrong”. This can, in rare instances, lead to panic attacks or obsessive fear, especially over going to sleep. Generally, when continuing reactivation occurs it is due to contents within the initiate’s psyche needing to process and clear. The best way to do this is to simply relax and surrender into the activation experience, allowing it to unfold without resistance while breathing deeply, slowly and rhythmically in the understanding that the reactivation will indeed pass and will settle and cease in due time. Usually within just a few minutes. Be willing to stay with the process. While continuing reactivation is not necessarily a “normal” condition of the psyche, viewing it as a problem or pathologizing the process merely tends to exacerbate the situation. Recognize this is a powerful transformative process that may need some time to effectively resolve and integrate fully. "

 

 

@hundreth  thank you! what are your thoughts on meditation as i fall asleep? would that be a problem or it's fine? I find myself accidentally meditating on my breath since I've been used to it by my muscle memory to do so in the past year, it's something my mind does all the time before falling asleep or feeling my body's weight on bed/sensations which causes me to panic since i feel the weird odd vibrations

 

Edited by khalifa

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@pluto

@pluto From my understanding, meditation does increase our baseline consciousness which also may raise the nervous system's vibration to be more sensitive to trauma, am i wrong? I don't particularly feel like i'm any divine though perhaps because my knowledge graph plays a role. But it does feel like my body is going overboard on it's current at the moment, hence i feel like i should avoid rising it any higher and let the body settle it down. Am i mis-informed?

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14 minutes ago, khalifa said:

hence i feel like i should avoid rising it any higher and let the body settle it down.

That's your ego trying to maintain control ;) How would you feel about letting go of the idea that you can influence it in any way? Wouldn't that be more peaceful?


** flowMAN ** Habits: { Not Smoking 9/9/19; Weekly Schedule Adherence > 50% 9/30/19; Schedule Next Day 10/01/19; Up By 5am 10/01/19; In Bed By 9pm 10/01/19; }

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I don't know if I'd be ready for complete ego death that I heard 5meo can bring about. My Kundalini is already rising on its own, and I haven't yet had to face my own death. But I have had uncomfortable feelings arise, that I have to learn to accept.

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4 hours ago, khalifa said:

@pluto

@pluto From my understanding, meditation does increase our baseline consciousness which also may raise the nervous system's vibration to be more sensitive to trauma, am i wrong? I don't particularly feel like i'm any divine though perhaps because my knowledge graph plays a role. But it does feel like my body is going overboard on it's current at the moment, hence i feel like i should avoid rising it any higher and let the body settle it down. Am i mis-informed?

Meditation gradually raises your vibration in sync with how your consciousness is developing/evolving, (so to speak). Only psychedelics and chemical use raises our vibration prematurely in which can results in experiences and situations one does not know how to handle or ground.

Meditation takes it one step at a time, slowly removing the illusory layers and energies of self as you work through them daily and gradually you become more and more purified by getting rid of everything that you are not. Chemicals are more like forcing months to years of work compacted into one experience which can result in such excessive energetic trauma more than one can be ready for because his body/mind has not prepared and done all the work to handle such high levels of experience.

Meditation will and grounding/earthing exercises and practices return everything back to balance. If its too high and not in alignment with your level, it will harmonize and balance things out. If its too low, it will rise up ect.. Its all built in, its infinite intelligence.

Psychedelics and chemical use especially the ones Leo suggests are for masters only. Even Leo is becoming consumed by them and thinking he's on some higher level but its all mental play. The mind is trying to grasp what's far beyond itself and thus it becomes self-destructive.

This is why i disagree with Leo and his methods, he is far from a master and should only focus on himself until he truly becomes one before trying to guide or lead others into something he has yet to embody and truly grasp himself. Preaches Love and Enlightenment yet nowhere to be seen, cold as ice, caught up in mental realms in which can easily fool even the most intelligent minds that they are in higher realms.

All we can do is do what i suggest and advise and spend more time in nature as her energy will heal and balance everything out and neutralize anything excessive. It may take some time, but you have no choice now since you chose to play with such substances.

and when you meditate don't have any expectation or focus or technique, just simply breathe in whichever way feels comfortable to you and simply let go, things will come, accept them and let them go back to the being present or breath or whatever works for you. Eventually you will find inner-stillness thus inner-peace, remember do not try or resist, just allow and surrender to whatever. Embody Love, do not give into fear, fear is an illusion, there is only Love.

I am taking a break from the forums but If you have any further questions brother you can message me in private i will check from time to time. Bless!

 

Edited by pluto

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@pluto On the one hand you say it's all infinite intelligence, on the other hand you're saying Khalifa should have made a different choice.

Have you considered that his choice is part of that infinite intelligence?

That his path is supposed to be, whatever it turns out to be?

Edited by flowboy

** flowMAN ** Habits: { Not Smoking 9/9/19; Weekly Schedule Adherence > 50% 9/30/19; Schedule Next Day 10/01/19; Up By 5am 10/01/19; In Bed By 9pm 10/01/19; }

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