SFRL

Standoff between selfish needs

13 posts in this topic

When you are at a standoff with another person to have both your selfish needs met. How do you find common ground?

Let's say I am becoming aware of my own ego/selfishness. Then I can choose to not be selfish and let go of my selfish needs. 

Yet then again that means/feels like I have to submit to the other person's selfishness. 

How do you let go of your own selfishness without submitting to the other person's selfishness? 

If I would submit the other person to my selfishness then 'I win' only for the other person to develop a grudge because they are not having their selfish needs met. So in the end I don't really win, I loose. The Irony being me not wanting to loose is still a selfish need. 

 

 

 

 

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I am having a hunch that the Stage Orange reply is to make the other person submit to my selfish needs. 

The Stage Green attitude might be to let go of my selfish needs, and be accepting of the other person's selfish needs, and love their ignorance. 

What would be a better way then the two mentioned above? 

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3 minutes ago, zeroISinfinity said:

@SFRL To meditate. 🖐️

I have been sitting with this trying to do nothing and then I came up with this. 

I have been seriously angry. 

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Posted (edited)

There’s nothing wrong with having needs. Communication is the answer. Simply come to a mutual understanding, yes you can agree to disagree. You’re anger can be turned into a healthy personal boundary. 

Would help if you had shared an example. 

Edited by DrewNows

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1 hour ago, SFRL said:

When you are at a standoff with another person to have both your selfish needs met. How do you find common ground?

How do you let go of your own selfishness without submitting to the other person's selfishness? 

This is a great topic. 

Many people including me will offer up some advice here and probably tomorrow not even follow our own advice. That's how difficult I think it can be to achieve what you are asking. 

This is what I call TOP 1% stuff. If you can do this all the time you'd be in the Top 1% of advanced people on Earth. If you can do it most of the time you'd be in the Top 10%.

It is the ultimate forgiveness and humility although I'm not suggesting we become a doormat and allow ourselves to be abused. It is the letting go of self importance. The letting go of pride. The letting go of having to be correct. Top 1% and Top 10% stuff.

Humility is a quiet declaration of strength. Can't remember who said that. 

What helps me is that I try (and often fail with this) to consider another persons hostile or unreasonable actions to be a statement of their own inner turmoil. They are showing me how sick they are. My challenge is to rise above it, not take it personally and not get sucked into it. They offer me their selfishness and I politely decline. That's me on a good day though lol.

I forgot who said this one as well... what do you want? Peace of mind, or conflict?

 

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@SFRL The whole idea of "submitting" is a defense mechanism of the ego.

What to do? Open your heart and serve. "Submit", if that's how you call it. The way of the servant is the highest way. But you have to make sure that you're not feeding a toxic behavior from your partner like neediness.

It takes a lot of wisdom to know how to serve without doing harm. Time will tell you.


unborn Truth

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It does not matter. Do whatever you like. Just be present.

Because if you think it through all the way, you will discover that reality is infinitely complex and it both hinges upon your actions and at the same time it doesn't.

Be selflessly selfish. Look for happiness.

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Posted (edited)

@SFRL I am re-reading Steven Covey's 7 habits, so I am going to project my newfound knowledge and hope it helps.

Seek to understand, then be understood = ask why are they making their choice? what value is underlying it? Can there be any compromise? After letting the other explain their position, then ask to share yours.

(HINT: must people don't know their reasoning until they say it out loud. When done so, they will soften and be more flexible as they feel respected and heard. Even if there is a disagreement in action/response, there will be connection in person.)

Win-win or no deal = If there is a conflict of values, then have the self-respect to walk away. Not sure if this is appropriate, as you gave no context. 

 

Edited by Knock

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2 minutes ago, Knock said:

@SFRL I am re-reading Steven Covey's 7 habits, so I am going to project my newfound knowledge and hope it helps.

Seek to understand, then be understood = ask why are they making their choice? what value is underlying it? Can there be any compromise? After letting the other explain their position, then ask to share yours.

(HINT: must people don't know their reasoning until they say it out loud. When done so, they will soften and be more flexible as they feel respected and heard. Even if there is a disagreement in action/response, there will be connection in person.)

Win-win or no deal = If there is a conflict of values, then have the self-respect to walk away. Not sure if this is appropriate, as you gave no context. 

 

Just a small note - sometimes the win or loose outcome might not be so obvious, sometimes it might give you benefits in the long term, that you or the other person might not see now

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From the philosophical perspective do stuff that will be the best thing long term. is your relationships with that person important? how much will the choice you make affect your relationship? will you be content with giving up your needs? how will that affect the relationship? will the other person get offended if you prioritize your needs? it's a matter of mind, not spirituality i feel.

From the spiritual perspective whatever you do doesn't matter, you can do whatever you like. You're trying to "do the right thing" which is also contributing to the ego, so you're being selfish either way. Think which decision will be best, there might be more than one answer.

Also I think no matter the decision you make it will be always selfish, because you're either doing something that aligns with your needs, or you do something to feel like you did the right thing, which is selfish, because you being someone who does the "right thing" is ego. you understand that i see, so the best thing to do i think is to think in these terms: "what will be the action that would provide best final outcome?"

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@SFRL  I also think that thinking like you have to do something or you should something is still limited, when you give up all the have tos and shoulds, you feel much more free. But it jas to be authentic, because the I should get rid of all the shoulds is also a should.

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