Yonkon

Can i fuck someone up during Coaching?

22 posts in this topic

Today i coached someone for the first time.

It was a 30 year old woman, she revealed to me that she's got severe anxiety, depression and don't know what to do, medicament don't work, psychiatrists don't work etc.

During the session i got this energy boost and i started to talk real intensely, with almost violent male compassion if this makes sense. She got tears in her eyes and wanted to go, she packed her stuff, i sayd that everything will work out, then i hugged her and she was really grateful and we made another appointment. I think i made an impact and felt good. After she went i got this anxiety that i don't know what the fuck i'm doing and that i could fuck her up realy bad. I'm 21, meditate and read a lot and done some heavy dose psychedelic. I have no clue what is safe to say while dealing with people that struggle with mental problems.

 

Should i go on with the coaching? Should i read more? I'm scared with so much responsibility, this is an actual human life and i could fuck up really bad by being ignorant

Edited by Yonkon

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28 minutes ago, Yonkon said:

Should i go on with the coaching? Should i read more? I'm scared with so much responsibility, this is an actual human life and i could fuck up really bad by being ignorant

You'll always have this risk no matter how far you go. This is a risk you'll always have to take counseling people. Its not a matter of if you are or are not ignorant but how ignorant. 

Remember to keep your empathy and compassion in check. Think back to any issues that were hard for you that are a breeze for you now to help understand the hard place they are in. You are here to help them navigate a maze. 

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@Shadowraix

thanks for the reply,

how can i keep them in check? I noticed that at the end i drifted towards book knowledge and blarted out something about the subconscious mind. It was not helpful in the moment, but logicaly of course it made somehow sense in my mind.

 

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1 hour ago, Yonkon said:

@Shadowraix

thanks for the reply,

how can i keep them in check? I noticed that at the end i drifted towards book knowledge and blarted out something about the subconscious mind. It was not helpful in the moment, but logicaly of course it made somehow sense in my mind.

 

Mindfulness of ones self is how I do this. We often may blindly follow our thoughts. Think of thought loops on psychedelics. You just keep following and can't seem to 2nd question or break it. Its good to step back before replying and ask if what came to mind is actually solving the problem you are trying to tackle. Usually giving answers isn't helpful to them in the same way its not too helpful in spirituality because for the answer to be useful or make sense the individual has to come to that realization. Its like giving someone the answer to a math problem without them understanding how you got to that answer. You gotta work through it step by step. 

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@Yonkon  Of course you can fuck someone up... the hug there was good in my opinion though :) I know what you mean by aggressive male compassion, I sometimes also overdo it... Try to listen without judging, I know you can get annoyed a bit sometimes, but in general, love and peace is a better fuel than rage. You can even point something out „aggressively“ with compassion and unconditional love and it works well, at least for me. It can happen very often, that your clients live in a totally different reality than you do, so you kind of have to grow with them in my opinion.

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@Yonkon Not gonnna go down with all described within the session. Get clear on what coaching is, what is your role and I highly invite you to hire your own coach.

If you yourself are not doing deep work which includes someone from the outside to notice and reflect to you your own blindspots, self deception etc

forget about doing it for others. You can´t take any client deeper that you have been willing to go yourself. 

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@Yonkon omg :Dddd that's a funny story. 

But honestly, the most dangeruous thing is that you're not doing this out of absolute love and compassion and desire to help others. There's money involved in this.  And this makes it extremley dangeruous. 

You have to pretend like you know all the answers. You have to maintain a reputation. You can't just say "I don't have a clue how to help you". That's where people come up with a bunch of stupid advises that could be harmful.

That's why helping others have to be done for free. There's no other choice. If it becomes because of money. It will become a corrupt, ugly process full of harm.

If you want to live a high consciousness life then consider finding a different job better. Or if you want to help people you can find a guru and work under his guidence. A guru will put you in good use. 

You don't know what is best for people. Not yet at least. That's why an enlightened master could guide you.

Other then that, respect for doing such a job at such an age :D impressive :)

2 hours ago, Yonkon said:

After she went i got this anxiety that i don't know what the fuck i'm doing and that i could fuck her up realy bad. I'm 21, meditate and read a lot and done some heavy dose psychedelic. I have no clue what is safe to say while dealing with people that struggle with mental problems.

This is smart thinking. Don't ignore this voice. It's your conscience speaking. Don't lose it.

The moment you think you have all the answers and you feel confident. That's when you'll become trully dengerous. That's when all the bullshit is born :D

Edited by Salvijus

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18 minutes ago, Salvijus said:

@Yonkon omg :Dddd that's a funny story. 

But honestly, the most dangeruous thing is that you're not doing this out of absolute love and compassion and desire to help others. There's money involved in this.  And this makes it extremley dangeruous. 

You have to pretend like you know all the answers. You have to maintain a reputation. You can't just say "I don't have a clue how to help you". That's where people come up with a bunch of stupid advises that could be harmful.

That's why helping others have to be done for free. There's no other choice. If it becomes because of money. It will become a corrupt, ugly process full of harm.

If you want to live a high consciousness life then consider finding a different job better. Or if you want to help people you can find a guru and work under his guidence. A guru will put you in good use. 

You don't know what is best for people. Not yet at least. That's why an enlightened master could guide you.

Other then that, respect for doing such a job at such an age :D impressive :)

This is smart thinking. Don't ignore this voice. It's your conscience speaking. Don't lose it.

The moment you think you have all the answers and you feel confident. That's when you'll become trully dengerous. That's when all the bullshit is born :D

Well said, beginner mindset always. If you are too pride, the Universe will find a way to fuck you up for sure :D 

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@Salvijus this is great, thank you.

The thing is i am currently broke, and decide to give piano lessons and meditation lessons. (Both 10€/hour)

The Piano lessons are fun and light, the session today was really deep and unexpected. My goal was to help her find time to meditate and give basic guidance and it ended in something much more "psychological" than intended. 

Maybe i make a compromise and reduce my advice only to meditation and basic self managment principles? I don't know what to do. But it seemed to me that i helped her today. And it felt good..

But you are right with the bullshit, i was trying hard to seem knowledgeable and wise. 

Edited by Yonkon

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59 minutes ago, Yonkon said:

Maybe i make a compromise and reduce my advice only to meditation and basic self managment principles? I don't know what to do. But it seemed to me that i helped her today. And it felt good..

You seem quiet an honest person. I think you'll find a solution that's best for you if you remain like that :D

 

Edited by Salvijus

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If I'm coming for a meditation lesson, I don't expect life advice. Sounds like you enabled her getting side-tracked, and then you yourself got side-tracked because giving advice feels good.

If someone is being vulnerable with you, you have to be masculine and responsible and protect the boundaries of what can happen in a situation. No matter what feels good in the moment. The hug was already going too far. Would you expect your dentist to hug you?

What's next, a kiss on the cheek? You may think I'm being ridiculous but I'm serious. This failure to protect professional boundaries is also how inappropriate relations start between student and teacher, therapist and client.

And therapists don't hug.

Edited by flowboy

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Yes I think you can really hurt someone, and if they don't have many connections/relationships in their own life that are as genuine as what you are offering her or anyone else you work with,  they can fall in love with you, or get SUPER clingy.  This cling isn't out of love for you as an individual often, it's because you're a tool that can help them with their anxiety/depressed ridden life. That's not to say that's all the time, often, or something you need to by afraid about.  But it does happen, and you should be aware of he impact you can have on someone's life.

I would keep helping though if you think within a reasonable level that you can help this person live a better life and are open with what kind of relationship you are comfortable having with this person.  

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/brain-bootcamp/201010/falling-in-love-your-psychiatrist


Comprehensive list of techniques: https://sites.google.com/site/psychospiritualtools/Home/meditation-practices

I appreciate criticism!  Be as critical/nitpicky as you like and don't hold your blows

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Tell her you're not a therapist and stick to talking about meditation. Before it's too late

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Are you a certified Life Coach? Cause life coaching is totally different than therapy, coaching is about helping someone achieve their dreams, someone who already has their life together, is taking someone from a normal to a higher stage, while therapy is taking someone dysfunctional to a normal stage, coaching is not about solving deep issues like depression and anxiety, you would have to recommend her to a therapist. 

Also coaching is all about empowering the client with questions, never giving them advice, when you tell someone what to do you are taking the power away from them, and you don't want to make someone feel powerless, the answers are all within them, only they know what's best for them, you may think you know but the truth is you don't. 

It's important to be empathetic in a coaching session and it's totally fine if the client cries but it's very important that you maintain your composure, otherwise it will be two people crying and no one will be able to see the big picture, think rationally and take actions, so holding yourself up and maintaining peace and calmness, opening that space so the client can feel whatever they need to feel is very important, silence would be highly recommended in those moments, unless you are asking questions, validating the clients feelings, is better to just be silent. Psychotherapy is based on this, you see specially Freud, Lacan and Reich lineages they barely talk, it's all about poking the wounds and opening up the space to go through those traumas and feelings, because people are afraid of letting the emotions come out, and once the wounds are open they are able to go through that using different techniques, a Coach is not prepared for this kind of situation. 

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I went to one of Peter Ralston's retreats.  In it we did some diads (where you sit facing a partner) on digging through our beliefs and unconscious.  One person would contemplate out loud (anything they had inside) and the other person would simply look at them and try as best as possible not to show any type of reaction (negative or positive).  This was to allow the other person to express or contemplate what was inside without having any approval or disapproval from their partner. 

I broke out in tears once, and some other people did too.  One lady ended up screaming really loudly at one point, but then it passed and people simply went back to contemplating.

We also made a group agreement where everyone agreed to allowing everyone else to express anything and everything.  

I feel like this created an atmosphere where anything could happen, yet, if something emotional or significant was expressed that it could be done  without making it a "big deal" or make the other people too involved.  

It might help to make some sort of clarification or agreement beforehand about the nature of your relationship and how you'll handle significant emotional expressions or purging.

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@Matt23 wow, the retreat sounds  fascinating, love Peter Ralston, The Book of Not Knowing became my bible 9_9

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There is no shame in refering a client to other specialist if you aren't been trained in deep psychology. Careful with "opening a can of worms" that you can't process. This is the same for any health therapists and doctors. Ego needs to be put aside when we believe that someone else could do the job better. In the end its about them not you. Just my 2c

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@flowboy @MsNobody @Michael569

Thanks for all the insights, i decided to quit the coaching. I feel that i'm not capable right now to help this person. I have so too much of own bagage to process, also i'm quite young. 

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