what is marriage about and am i ready for it?

[Nahm]

@Devi Shanti Hi & welcome. You sure picked a good one. ?

[Devi Shanti]

@zambize  Case 1: I had a hole inside myself, desperately trying to fill it with "someone's love". I was selfish and wanted to be satisfied more than to satisfy. I was not really sensitive to other's emotional struggle. I didn't have much patience with other's failures. I really tried to be altruistic, sensitive and patient because I knew it was the "correct", but it didn't came from inside.

Case 2: Before I started an engagement with a person, I already had inside myself a will of taking care someone, giving him my best, building a family, be a better person to someone and to myself. Now, in our relationship, I put all this things in practice, and Im conscious that every time I am patient, I speak softly and meekly even when Im angry or frustrated, I find a calm way to express my feelings, I give up something I wanted to meet a need of him, for example, I am polishing myself. Having domain over my emotions, I become a tranquil person, peaceful and more love flows through my heart, and happier I am and do good to people around me.

Thats why marriage is a spiritual path. We become happier and more peaceful making the spouse happier and more peaceful. I would say to you that we know thats is real love when you like a person so much that you could face the worst part of you to be a better person to make her/him happy.

But, an important thing is that all this only is possible if you find a person who is willing to do the same thing for you. How do you know? well... I learned through suffering a lot with wrong men I hope you dont have to go through this.

[zambize]

5 minutes ago, Devi Shanti said:

@zambize  Case 1: I had a hole inside myself, desperately trying to fill it with "someone's love". I was selfish and wanted to be satisfied more than to satisfy. I was not really sensitive to other's emotional struggle. I didn't have much patience with other's failures. I really tried to be altruistic, sensitive and patient because I knew it was the "correct", but it didn't came from inside.

Case 2: Before I started an engagement with a person, I already had inside myself a will of taking care someone, giving him my best, building a family, be a better person to someone and to myself. Now, in our relationship, I put all this things in practice, and Im conscious that every time I am patient, I speak softly and meekly even when Im angry or frustrated, I find a calm way to express my feelings, I give up something I wanted to meet a need of him, for example, I am polishing myself. Having domain over my emotions, I become a tranquil person, peaceful and more love flows through my heart, and happier I am and do good to people around me.

Thats why marriage is a spiritual path. We become happier and more peaceful making the spouse happier and more peaceful. I would say to you that we know thats is real love when you like a person so much that you could face the worst part of you to be a better person to make her/him happy.

But, an important thing is that all this only is possible if you find a person who is willing to do the same thing for you. How do you know? well... I learned through suffering a lot with wrong men I hope you dont have to go through this.

I wont have to go through a lot of wrong men, I'm into women.  All jokes aside thanks for taking the time to write this out, I feel like I have a more clear vision of what I'm looking for because of it 

[CreamCat]

11 hours ago, bejapuskas said:

@CreamCat You need to face your problems directly, stop trying to run away... Solo retreats are awesome, but your attitude is not.

Nobody is telling you to marry I guess?  

What am I running away from? What do you think my problem is?

[aurum]

14 hours ago, CreamCat said:

It is a bad legal contract. If you sign the contract, you are 100% responsible for the legal consequences of divorce that will fall upon you with 20~50% chance

I would agree.

14 hours ago, CreamCat said:

I am not as dismissive as monogamy as you are

It's not so much that I have a problem with monogamy as I can't understand why I would want to limit myself sexually.

Even if I was in a LTR with a girl, it's fun for me to bring other people into your sex life. They're like sex toys. And I get off on group sex, it's one of my big turn ons.

[CreamCat]

6 hours ago, aurum said:

it's fun for me to bring other people into your sex life. They're like sex toys.

Hahahaha....!!! That's a funny expression. But, it doesn't take into account that other people are more than sex toys which don't have consciousness. You might get bitten when you treat other people like toys. Unlike toys, they have to be satisfied, too.

That said, I might enjoy being treated like a sex toy by a sexy woman. Or, vice versa.

Edited January 6, 2019 by CreamCat

[bejapuskas]

7 hours ago, CreamCat said:

What am I running away from? What do you think my problem is?

I was judging all the people like aurum for recklessly socializing with women, it looked like a hilarious idea in my head. But then, everyone was kind of talking about it, so I was wondering what is wrong with me  Yesterday, I was in the middleof a square and I met my female friend with her friends, so I just went and chatted them up. It was awesome, we never met, but I could enjoy their presence and if there was a blockage inside me, I would get an immediate response about it, there was no other way, but to overcome it, I felt free  I didn't fall in love or anything, I just liked the way, they are, non-judgementally. That's why I think, that socializing, especially with the opposite sex, is very important for growth. It seems like some ridiculously stupid thing, that only orange people do, but you need to push that idea aside and go for it, it will be worth your time  You don't need to manipulate them or end up sleeping with them, you don't have to make stupid jokes about your penis size, just flow through the conversation.

Edited January 6, 2019 by bejapuskas

[zambize]

5 hours ago, CreamCat said:

Hahahaha....!!! That's a funny expression. But, it doesn't take into account that other people are more than sex toys which don't have consciousness. You might get bitten when you treat other people like toys. Unlike toys, they have to be satisfied, too.

That said, I might enjoy being treated like a sex toy by a sexy woman. Or, vice versa.

Certainly the expression "sex toy" caught my eye too.  But I see no problem with this so long as its communicated in a non misleading way and both parties are consensual.  To each their own on this one.  I also imagine that while they are kind of treated like a sex toy, it's because they enjoy it (which I'm just agreeing with what you already stated) and it's not that he sees them as just an object

[F A B]

@ajasatya @Devi Shanti

Wow, husband and wife on the same forum! You are amazing!

I would have a slightly uncomfortable question.

Sometimes love just fade away. Sometimes that initial passion ends no matter how you try. You feel impotent.

Do you fear this possibility?

How would an enlightened couple deal with that?

 

 

[ajasatya]

On 05/01/2019 at 11:35 PM, aurum said:

It's not so much that I have a problem with monogamy as I can't understand why I would want to limit myself sexually.

there's no limit for how deeply connected a couple can be. if you want to eliminate the emotional involvement and the possibility of building a family... if you just want to play around with people, scratching the surface and bowing to convenience, that's your choice. been there, done that. even though i managed to do it without attachment, i look behind and i see how poor i was compared to what i experience now.

to be honest, i am quite disappointed by how this thread turned out to be about contract and sex. very shallow indeed. but that's fine i guess... everyone can only speak from their experiences. if i came here 5~6 years ago, i would be saying the very same things you're saying.

1 hour ago, F A B said:

Sometimes love just fade away. Sometimes that initial passion ends no matter how you try. You feel impotent.

that's not love yet. that's just passion, as you said it yourself, like a fire that fades away. love is far far beyond that.

first of all, you can't go very far if you don't love yourself. loving yourself means that you want to take care of yourself. one should strive for a healthy diet, physical exercises, emotional stability and mental steadiness, for instance. this kind of life is built. habits take a while to stick, but that's a life with self-love.

for the same reason, love between a couple is built. it takes a lot of effort and hardwork. it takes a lot of wisdom and courage. it grows deeper and deeper, infinitely. true love is desiring the best for the other regardless of the situation. true love is about the couple being victorious together, always.

from my experience, this is one of the deepest desires of the human heart: to open completely and give in to something that can be infinitely bigger than itself. marriage gives you this opportunity.

[Shadowraix]

Could you leave the marriage if your intuition suggested for you to? I find assuming staticness and getting attached to that can be a major problem. And unless you've figured out how to access parts of the future, definitely be careful on the terms of your commitment so they don't get the wrong idea. This is all the more reason to base the relationship on the now.

Also be wary of getting rid of selfish tendencies and thinking you got rid of them. Selfishness can be very deceptive. For example on the surface level sacrificing your own well being for others will be considered selfless but you do it because it makes you feel good to do it so it ends up fulfilling selfish desires at it's core.

Same could be said about desiring spiritual purification and truth.

[ajasatya]

9 minutes ago, Shadowraix said:

on the surface level sacrificing your own well being for others will be considered selfless but you do it because it makes you feel good to do it so it ends up fulfilling selfish desires at it's core

that's deceptive

i've thought about it a lot and i was able to find the flaw on that line of thought. if you ever get to the point where others' happiness truly makes you happy, the barrier of "my happiness" and "their happiness" is just imaginary. in the end, everyone is simply happy and nobody is doing anything wrong. calling the desire to make others happy selfishness is a kind of self-deception. i had to allow myself to feel it in my heart in order to be even happier.

the problem arises when your state of happiness depends on others' happiness. that's just deliberately asking for frustration and suffering.

17 minutes ago, Shadowraix said:

Could you leave the marriage if your intuition suggested for you to? I find assuming staticness and getting attached to that can be a major problem.

i don't think about that possibility. that's just fear... a waste of mental energy.

i do spend mental energy thinking about how to make every day feel better and better. it's not static, since we're both improving ourselves physically, emotionally and mentally. in fact, the speed at which my life is changing and improving has increased drastically after we've decided to engage in this journey together.

[Shadowraix]

1 hour ago, ajasatya said:

that's deceptive

i've thought about it a lot and i was able to find the flaw on that line of thought. if you ever get to the point where others' happiness truly makes you happy, the barrier of "my happiness" and "their happiness" is just imaginary. in the end, everyone is simply happy and nobody is doing anything wrong. calling the desire to make others happy selfishness is a kind of self-deception. i had to allow myself to feel it in my heart in order to be even happier.

the problem arises when your state of happiness depends on others' happiness. that's just deliberately asking for frustration and suffering.

i don't think about that possibility. that's just fear... a waste of mental energy.

i do spend mental energy thinking about how to make every day feel better and better. it's not static, since we're both improving ourselves physically, emotionally and mentally. in fact, the speed at which my life is changing and improving has increased drastically after we've decided to engage in this journey together.

Bravo on the first bit. I definitely never caught that. But the blending of that line becomes tricky. Ensure the ego self isn't selectively applying this when it is most beneficial. Embodying such nondual truths will become trickier when the ego is faced with more threat

 

I didn't ask that in a matter of fearing but rather to bring awareness to how you commit. To not make a commitment you can't keep. To hold someone as your married partner and commit for life is a gamble, to commit for as long as possible or similar would be more accurate. It is about not claiming to know something you don't know. You can't claim you'll be married or want to be a year for now but you can claim in the now that you are still striving for the best of the marriage.

[SgtPepper]

I agree with you ajasatya. I see you around this forum and spread so much wisdom. It is soo good to see someone speak about marriage in positive fashion here. I see many people personally and online attack marriage, usually because they misinterpret its function in our lives.

I am strongly for marriage and family because it is important way to establish love and security for children. Additionally it does challenge you spiritually because being in a long-term relationship requires patience, commitment, love, and understanding. It is not easy, but it makes you and your partner stronger. 

Edit:

@aurum consider marriage to be more than just a commitment of a sexual relationship.

Its a long-term commitment of character growth and sexual growth... Arguably sex can be incredible with your partner because if the emotional connection, trust, and loyalty built up over the years. This can't be had with a promiscuous lifestyle. Although you could potentially have an open marriage/relationship like Nina Hartley and her husband.

It's a choice, its our personality. so there's no right or wrong in this choice.

Edited January 7, 2019 by SgtPepper

[SgtPepper]

On 1/5/2019 at 3:46 PM, Devi Shanti said:

When I say love is the main thing in a marriage, is because we need this like water to keep going together. It takes love to be patient with other's failures; it takes love to help the other with his difficulties; it takes love to ensure meals in time and clean clothes everyday; it takes love to endure hard job to provide all material necessities; it takes love to take care of each other, specially when sick; it takes love to deal with issues concerning one's relatives...  etc, etc, etc. BUT, the same love is what make you happy when the other is happy, enjoy each day and night together, give a goodbye kiss and a welcome home kiss, having someone to share anything and have someone with whom you can count on anything; someone who knows you better than anyone and want to make you happy (because you make him/her happy!).

 

exactly. 

edit:

Additionally, I don't think its necessary for you partner to be spiritually inclined. My partner of 7 years is not so spiritually inclined but she likes to practice hatha yoga, physical exercise, personal development, creativity, and wants to embody love.

I think anybody here who is serious about personal development and wants a pre-requisite, just needs to find someone who is positive, passionate, and committed to living growth-based life. Isn't too obsessed with materialism and vices. 

Edited January 7, 2019 by SgtPepper

[Sunil Kumar]

@aurum

On 1/4/2019 at 5:53 PM, aurum said:I also don't correlate sexual loyalty with being a good partner. 

If sexual loyalty is not your priority then whats your parameter, just curious. Also, I don't think that most people would think like that.

[Sunil Kumar]

@SgtPepper You mentioned "hath yoga". That's a limb of yoga though 

 

[ajasatya]

On 07/01/2019 at 3:58 PM, SgtPepper said:

Additionally, I don't think its necessary for you partner to be spiritually inclined. My partner of 7 years is not so spiritually inclined but she likes to practice hatha yoga, physical exercise, personal development, creativity, and wants to embody love.

as a matter of practice, that's exactly being "spiritually inclined".

lots of people on this forum think they are spiritual, but when they're supposed to grow up and mature they go like "no, dont touch me!"

[Pav]

Thanks @ajasatya & @Devi Shanti . I've only just started to explore this area and I find it difficult to come across high quality information on this topic, everyone's beliefs around relationships seem to be tainted by neuroses of various sorts.

Do you have any advice on how to find the right partner? For instance; how can you know if someone is right for you? What is it that attracts people and which of these factors are more/less authentic/pure? To what degree is romantic love authentic or a distortion of reality? How active should one be in their search?

Do you have any insight on how to go deeper in to love without possessiveness/neediness?

What are your thoughts on masculine & feminine energy? 

[aurum]

6 hours ago, Sunil Kumar said:

Also, I don't think that most people would think like that

I'm aware. But I'd rather be real than waste everyone's time.

6 hours ago, Sunil Kumar said:

If sexual loyalty is not your priority then whats your parameter, just curious

Things like how happy / self-accepting she is. Sense of humor. Social skills. Ambitions. There's plenty of things that matter way more than "did you sit on another dick".

On 1/7/2019 at 1:54 PM, SgtPepper said:

consider marriage to be more than just a commitment of a sexual relationship.

Its a long-term commitment of character growth and sexual growth... Arguably sex can be incredible with your partner because if the emotional connection, trust, and loyalty built up over the years. This can't be had with a promiscuous lifestyle

I get all that. But you also don't need marriage if that's your end goal. Just one potential path.

On 1/7/2019 at 1:54 PM, SgtPepper said:

It's a choice, its our personality. so there's no right or wrong in this choice.

Agreed.

On 1/5/2019 at 11:49 PM, CreamCat said:

But, it doesn't take into account that other people are more than sex toys which don't have consciousness.

It's a metaphor, not meant to be taken literal. I don't actually think people are sex toys.