Can't function when I don't feel desired?

[thehero]

Hey guys - 

I've been noticing that

When I don't feel desired by people

I can't function and I feel suicidal

My worth is tied up in their approval 

And I feel not worthy unless I'm being approved of 

also 

I feel super lonely, and not wanted

I don't know what to do about these feelings? It's extremely negative and hurtful, there's a lot of suffering

What practices do I do, what book do I read, what action steps do I take?

How does this work? I'm not really sure what to do, it's a reoccuring pattern

 

People tell me to forget about people and find happiness in solitude, but it's not working. I am like so desperate to be wanted, to feel connection and to have love 

--

I'm guessing that I have to find a girlfriend but then everyone says that I should just be independent and not need a girlfriend? It feels like a catch 22? To be happy you have to be independent, but since im independent (perhaps I'd say alone/isolated/not desired as synonym to independent) I'm not happy and suffering greatly?

 

Honestly - I don't know what to do. This sucks.  I can't get any work done when I don't feel loved or desired. I just want to sit in bed and sleep. I feel utterly alone. this is very vulnerable of me. thanks to those that read this and help 

There's also this one girl in my life. She's a nice person. but. she only comes to me when she's alone. when she has people, i seem to be forgotten. but when she doesn't have people, i'm her best friend! hahahahahaha. this makes it hard for me to depend on her. when she doesn't message me, i'm literally depressed. i cant think straight i cant function. i literally NEED attention. i'm literally desperate for it. it's crazy

see, I can go and do other things, work on my passions and my purpose, but deep down, i still want love and attention, and it causes me so much suffering. 

people feel like oxygen. i need people. 

I know I ideally shouldnt be dependent on her.  but I am.

i want to go out and make new friends, people that care about me for me, but i keep self sabotaging! i go out, try, but i make no results because i keep getting scared they will leave me, or they wont like me, or that im too boring, or my words are too boring etc. 

even if nobody can help, thanks for listening. 

[ivory]

First of all, humans are social creatures and we need a sense of belonging for a basic level of mental health. You're not crazy. The emotional body is trying to tell you something. Isolation is very unhealthy and the idea that a person shouldn't need others is just plain wrong.

 

Second, you said something about life purpose. From where I sit, it's obvious that your immediate purpose is to get this handled. We all need friends and social skills are super important. Do you not see this work as part of your life's purpose?

 

Lastly, consider getting help from a mental health professional. I did years of therapy and I highly recommend it, especially to people who suffer from isolation. Isolation is a modern-day epidemic and this is well known in the mental health industry.

[kingroboto]

watch some of Leo's videos on the subject. The ones that I like are: Distraction: ego's favorite defense mechanism, and dealing with loneliness while self actualizing. 

this idea that we are 'social creatures' is a bit of a fallacy in my opinion. Yes, low conscious people require other people to feel secure, same way animals need social groups to stay alive. As human beings we can elevate ourselves to not need such things. I was in the same boat as you but now I see outside validation as something worthless. Friends and relationships are nice spice of life, but are not necessary to live a joyful life. Don't listen to these people that tell you no man can be an island. You are stuck in a very low conscious state right now, but that can be remedied through more spiritual work. 

Edited November 30, 2018 by kingroboto

[thehero]

@ivory thanks. I'm going to deeply contemplate and possibly work on building some friends.

@kingroboto I dont know. Maybe later I'll transcend the need for people. But right now the need is too strong and I dont know much about spirituality 

[kingroboto]

@thehero

 

i get it. Go suffer some more then come back to it

[ivory]

@kingroboto I disagree with the notion that we don't need relationships. We need relationships in the same way we need food. To be completely obsessed with food is unhealthy. To never eat is also unhealthy. You should eat but you should also be happy when you are not eating. There is a huge difference between isolation and solitude. Relationships play a key role on the spiritual path. Growth, joy, love, challenge, exchanges of ideas, opportunity to name a few.

[thehero]

@ivory

My guess is that this is something that you come back full circle (from leo's full circle video) 

need relationships -> don't need relationships -> find truth in both 

[Charlotte]

@thehero  Wow thehero, thanks so much for sharing this. We are all here for you ❤️

Awareness of this is your first step so well done! That's progress in itself.

I empathize with you completely. 

Now I'm no therapist or psychologist please understand that but I will give you advise based on my own experiences with this but somebody like @Solace or @Nahm will be hopefully able to give you a deeper understanding.

This ultimately comes down to unconditional love and acceptance. For yourself. I don't mean that vainly. 

I don't agree that suffering will be of any help whatsoever in this department. You need to get to the root of the issue especially as you mentioned suicide.

Could you possibly look into therapy? Preferably a therapist that specialises in the humanistic approach. Is that an avenue you could explore? 

[Nahm]

We are all here for you, and we’re all in this together. You can PM me anytime you want. Don’t hesitate. Really. 

18 hours ago, thehero said:

I want to go out and make new friends, people that care about me for me, but i keep self sabotaging! i go out, try, but i make no results because i keep getting scared they will leave me, or they wont like me, or that im too boring, or my words are too boring etc. 

Totally understandable. We’re in the era of materialism - the false paradigm that happiness comes from others, or objects.  

Even if when you went out and ‘made new friends’, etc, if everyone liked you & found you interesting - you’d still have the same beliefs about yourself that you have, and you’d find affection & approval from other people would not ‘fix’ that. It would likely make you more dependent on approval. 

I feel you should know, or at least consider, that really almost everyone goes through this. It might not seem like that to you, because you’re pretty open and honest, and there is a stigma about these issues, so we rarely hear people opening up about it like you are. Good for you man, expression is important in healing. 

7 hours ago, thehero said:

@ivory

My guess is that this is something that you come back full circle (from leo's full circle video) 

need relationships -> don't need relationships -> find truth in both 

Yes, this is true, but put your own experience - feeling better - before giving so much consideration to what other people might be thinking. When your perspective changes, the world changes, and the experience of life changes. I’m sure you’ve experienced this in some way already, as you understand what full circle implies. Almost everyone goes through this same circle that you are now, to different degrees. It will pass and you’ll be all the stronger for it, and feeling reconnected and much more sure of yourself. I promise, even if it doesn’t seem so now, this is true. 

There is plenty you can do about this, and plenty of help available. It can take time to change of course, so be patient, and don’t beat up on yourself. Therapy would be most helpful, ideally someone you feel comfortable with, who helps you to express your emotions, and understand codependency, and how we internalize things from our childhood. It might seem frightful, but I assure you, talking through it with a good therapist can make all the difference. Often we make a mountain out of a molehill in our thinking, later to find it was all perspective. 

 

How’s your lifestyle, health wise? DIet, exercise? Those two can be extremely impactful. 

Are you meditating, doing yoga, singing, etc? Generally speaking, are you doing any practices or activities oriented towards well being, feeling good?

What other things feel good for you? Simple light things you enjoy - going to the movies, or walks in the park, etc. Some time we “get to busy” and forget that the only point is feeling good, enjoying life. The simple stuff helps us remember. 

Do you know that breathing from your stomach instantly relaxes your body & mind, oxygenates, calms & relaxes all the systems in the body? Take some big slow deep stomach breathes. It really works. 

This might be too ahead of where you’re at, please let me know...but, do you know that while pain for most people is just a fact of life, suffering on the other hand, which is what you’re dealing with, does not actually come from the world, or our circumstances? Suffering comes from our mental story about our circumstances. Again, it takes time, and patience, but it’s a very helpful distinction to make. This implies that the truth is it doesn’t actually matter what people think about you. The root of the suffering is what you’re thinking people think about you, and how you think about yourself. But it’s just a story. These thoughts are our “stories” we tell ourself. You are, in fact, in control of your own happiness - easy for me to say today, as I recall being where you’re at, and it is hard, but trust me man, you are worthy of love, there is infinite love within you - express that love for yourself, and towards everyone & everything you can - the world will change right before your eyes, you’ll find you were full of love the whole time. 

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ufNOWvcfrE4

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=kIozCzLkk1U

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=FeLpvgAVtU8

 

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=a3CunRgjXBk

 

@Martin123

[Solace]

@thehero

You just want to experience happiness. That’s why you want to be loved and accepted by other people. Cherished, just the way you are. 

Firstly there is no human who deserves to be lived more than you. But often, this is not the reality because life is teaching you something that will ultimately lead to a deep seated feeling of happiness beyond anything a person can give you. It is making you suffer, getting people to avoid you, because life wants you to find the peace that is already within you that can be accessed right now. Right this second, your very nature is peaceful and blissful, the goal is to become aware of this infinite, radiant being of light that you are, and have been all this time. The only thing that veils this peace and bliss is your thoughts.

Thoughts about how lonely I am. Thoughts about how I am not loved, how I feel this sad emotion, and yearn to be seen and heard by another. Let this whole structure go by making your Heart the best friend you never had or the fatherly you always wanted but which never could provide quite enough love.

Here is the most practical solution for you. It is called the Ujjiya breathe and i recommend you do it for 5 minutes morning and night at first, making it longer when it feels right. What you do is sit in a comfortable position, relax all of your muscles and then lightly tighten the muscles at the bottom of your throat. Breathe, and you should here something similar to the sound of waves coming in and going out. Now while making you this sound focus on the rising and falling of your chest; the expansion of love and joy for life, and the return to peace and stillness. Focus on the chest no matter what thought arises or emotion for the given time while making that sound. 

This will begin to open your heart wide open, and silence your mind. Very soon your desire to be loved will naturally disappear as you see that you were the one you were looking for this whole time. Be very dedicated and let the out breathe flow out of its own accord. 

It will feel uncomfortable! Keep going! Namaste.

 

Edited December 1, 2018 by Solace

[thehero]

@Charlotte thank you for the support

@Nahm thank you so much nahm for lending out a hand. I will be reading that many times over. It wasnt too ahead at all it was perfect. Rekindled some hope within me. Thanks again 

@Solace thanks Solace, this came at a perfect time as I'm beginning to open my heart chakra. I'll do that for 5 minutes in the night

Edited December 2, 2018 by thehero

[XYZ]

 

On 11/30/2018 at 8:43 PM, thehero said:

@ivory

My guess is that this is something that you come back full circle (from leo's full circle video) 

need relationships -> don't need relationships -> find truth in both 

It's more like how when learn to feel totally okay, comfortable and happy being alone, being in social situations comes effortless and you connect with people naturally. May sound counter-intuitive but it's the same principle of experiencing the full spectrum of life, like becoming more masculine by allowing yourself to be feminine, feeling greater happiness when you allow yourself to feel the depths of sadness.... Basically stop resisting what is, but be aware of the present moment, not your own narratives.

What do you do, when are you in social situations or events? Don't expect to make friends and get a gf just by going outside and talking to random people. These things happen in a community setting, doing group activities. Like at a book club, yoga center, church, school, at work, sports, meetup groups for hobbies, you get the drift. It's never guaranteed though, that's why you need to be outcome-independent, won't have a good time if you go somewhere expecting to form deep human connection, but if you're open to it, it can happen when you'd least expect. 

[Nahm]

@thehero How ya doin man?

[thehero]

@Nahm

Hey thanks for reconnecting with me - appreciate it. 

I have been doing the leo meditation you've linked 1x/day as well as a teal swan heart meditation 1x day. i havent experienced such love for myself forever. 

i noticed that i still have low self-esteem and that it won't go away after just one meditation session lol. 

i've been helping my parents around the house also and i've never done this before 

and forgiving myself when i fuck up

but the biggest thing is when i dont feel love, undesired or unworthy i connect with my heart and love myself fully and completely. all parts of it, without desiring change

am i doing it right? would you add / change anything?

[purerogue]

Maybe it is as simple as trying to be accepting of others, not looking for approval from others. 

[Bluebird]

@thehero Read Loving What Is by Byron Katie if you haven't already.

[Finax]

 

Try Making an Instagram and finding friends there. 

Also, try observing people more from afar, Just quietly looking at them and what they are doing will give you huge amounts of insights, ideas, Understanding, Relief,  and ultimately love for them. Seeing yourself in their eyes helps to love yourself.

 

Therefore, If you love yourself more, then your more relaxed and not clingy to needing the new people your meeting, counter-intuitively making you a stronger friend with them.