Truth is f*cking brutal

[QandC]

I'm not talking about tripping or any enlightenment experiences. I've had plenty of those. Truth that I'm experiencing right now is realizing the pain I've caused in people, my alcoholism, my way of cheating through success, me trying to gain sympathy from others by acting weak; when in reality I'm a f*cking devil. 

I've lived in a contrast these past 2 years. I've reached the highest highs you can imagine and the lowest lows you could ever nightmare about. And I still stand here in this moment with the realization of who and what I am. 
The spiritual path is not pretty. It's full awareness of what you are - and how you've been fooling yourself.

 

Am I stuck in a loop, or am I actually becoming more conscious? The more conscious I become, the more aware of myself I become. But there's still something always lingering in the back of my mind. This awareness that's always been there. I see myself acting. I dont know how to stop it. In this truth Death actually seems appealing. I'm not suicidal but I can have sympathy for those who think it's a cheat-code to enlightenment. In sleep there is no suffering. In death there is no suffering.

it's the lazy way, and its not even a guarantee. I've never heard any dead people complain, but I've never heard any dead people brag avout enlightenment either. What I was before birth, is what I wanna return to.

Truth is too brutal for 'me' to handle. I'd rather kill my Self: and I find it extremely difficult to resolve these traumas in my body. I cannot escape myself. But I want to

[Joseph Maynor]

I’m not saying you are wrong.  But  I see this differently in the sense that psychedelics can give you insights that you will not get without them regarding yourself and your ego and more.  Including what you are doing maybe wrong.  

[Atb210201]

40 minutes ago, QandC said:

I'm not talking about tripping or any enlightenment experiences. I've had plenty of those. Truth that I'm experiencing right now is realizing the pain I've caused in people, my alcoholism, my way of cheating through success, me trying to gain sympathy from others by acting weak; when in reality I'm a f*cking devil. 

I've lived in a contrast these past 2 years. I've reached the highest highs you can imagine and the lowest lows you could ever nightmare about. And I still stand here in this moment with the realization of who and what I am. 
The spiritual path is not pretty. It's full awareness of what you are - and how you've been fooling yourself.

 

Am I stuck in a loop, or am I actually becoming more conscious? The more conscious I become, the more aware of myself I become. But there's still something always lingering in the back of my mind. This awareness that's always been there. I see myself acting. I dont know how to stop it. In this truth Death actually seems appealing. I'm not suicidal but I can have sympathy for those who think it's a cheat-code to enlightenment. In sleep there is no suffering. In death there is no suffering.

it's the lazy way, and its not even a guarantee. I've never heard any dead people complain, but I've never heard any dead people brag avout enlightenment either. What I was before birth, is what I wanna return to.

Truth is too brutal for 'me' to handle. I'd rather kill my Self: and I find it extremely difficult to resolve these traumas in my body. I cannot escape myself. But I want to

By killing yourself you just have to face yourself and your demons faster.

So this "hell" that you described is just gonna unleash itself all onto you in an instant in a place with no time.

So take your time and face yourself bit by bit in time here with the life you still have to live that would be less harsh.

But I know you just said that and you weren't going to kill yourself.

It is harsh.

We're all in the same boat together.

Edited 2 hours ago by Atb210201

[Leo Gura]

@QandC Yes, it is hard but hang in there.

You can ease up on the truth-seeking and just relax and enjoy normal life a bit.

Take a vacation from inner work. Go play a video game or something.

[mmKay]

3 hours ago, QandC said:

I'm not talking about tripping or any enlightenment experiences. I've had plenty of those. Truth that I'm experiencing right now is realizing the pain I've caused in people, my alcoholism, my way of cheating through success, me trying to gain sympathy from others by acting weak; when in reality I'm a f*cking devil. 

I've lived in a contrast these past 2 years. I've reached the highest highs you can imagine and the lowest lows you could ever nightmare about. And I still stand here in this moment with the realization of who and what I am. 
The spiritual path is not pretty. It's full awareness of what you are - and how you've been fooling yourself.

 

Am I stuck in a loop, or am I actually becoming more conscious? The more conscious I become, the more aware of myself I become. But there's still something always lingering in the back of my mind. This awareness that's always been there. I see myself acting. I dont know how to stop it. In this truth Death actually seems appealing. I'm not suicidal but I can have sympathy for those who think it's a cheat-code to enlightenment. In sleep there is no suffering. In death there is no suffering.

it's the lazy way, and its not even a guarantee. I've never heard any dead people complain, but I've never heard any dead people brag avout enlightenment either. What I was before birth, is what I wanna return to.

Truth is too brutal for 'me' to handle. I'd rather kill my Self: and I find it extremely difficult to resolve these traumas in my body. I cannot escape myself. But I want to

It sounds like you're going through an ego-backlash due too intense inner work. Take a little break and distract yourself with some healthy human stuff

Pain and suffering is definitely a sign of becoming more conscious in your situation.

The ego will kick and scream when you cast the light of awareness on it, since it's an illusion fighting to survive Truth

Take it easy and try not to bite more than you can chew. Also give yourself some slack. No one is a saint. Survival is a dirty game.