Does body count matter for you?

[LordFall]

13 hours ago, something_else said:

I never actually opened any of my long term relationships explicitly, but I hooked up with many girls who were in existing open relationships. Some of those girls were into the idea of polyamory obviously. I met most through the dating app Feeld, which is specifically for polyamory.

I guess in a sense I’ve had one because in my last relationship (really a situationship at the start) the girl really loved me, but I was in peak sexual exploration stage and I wanted to keep sleeping with other girls. She knew about it and said it was totally fine, which I ultimately knew was a lie. But it was very convenient for me to believe at the time so I didn’t question it. We did end up dating properly on and off for a few years. When I look back on how much I hurt her, it makes me feel awful.

Intense is a bad thing for relationships. Intense is good for hookups and the honeymoon phase, but it will ruin a long term relationship, or your life if you’re in too deep.

And yes, read my response to @Inliytened1 after you, I describe seeing exactly the dynamic you mentioned here. It’s extremely common in open relationships. One partner is always going to get more attention outside the relationship than the other and that is going to create divides.

——

Theoretically, I think, if you found the perfect group of people you could construct a fairly ethical polyamorous setup that might be stable for a few years. Probably hippie-esque people who are very go with the flow and open, not super competitive or jealous. And yes, it’d probably be a lot of fun. But even that in the long run is going to become quite culty and unstable. Too intense. So much drama. So much time and energy managing such a complex situation. Just not sustainable.

The ones that seem stable are always going to have some underlying unethical power dynamic keeping everybody together. Like a cult leader, pimp, or a rich dude essentially paying for prostitution with extra steps.

I see what you mean yeah polycules have a lot more dynamics to manage over a regular regulation. For someone that really enjoys systems like me I'm quite compelled by the idea.

I don't think power dynamics have to be unethical, depends on the level of development of the people person that are involved in it. 

[Rafael Thundercat]

A woman perspective on body count 

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DbyQ0xij_1i/?igsh=ZHlxaXNjdnB2cW9l&igsi=ZHlxaXNjdnB2cW9l

 

[Jirh]

I think the biggest component in understanding body count is self-bias. Most people are self-biased by default, and this topic in specific is ripe of said bias.

When someone expresses their perspective about body count, they're often expressing something about themselves, not a logical fact or a well thought out insight. Often, they're not expressing from a neutral place.

So the real question isn't: "What's the right number?", because there's really no right or wrong number. Each person is unique and their path is unique too. And the number is subject to many different factors, it's almost impossible to draw universal meaningful conclusions.

The real question is: What is this person trying to validate about themselves through this topic?

Look out for the answer, cuz it will likely tell you a lot about that person.

Edited 2 hours ago by Jirh

[krockerman]

Yes it matters.

But I have decided that it should not matter once I am committed.

Meaning if I have problem with it I either let it go or let her go at the start of the dating phase.

No use in resenting her in the relationship once commited.

Second rule. If I have to ask it is a problem. You should not have to ask directly.

But If I have to I ask it early. 

[eos_nyxia]

On 2026-08-11 at 8:52 AM, AION said:

I like a girl but I can’t get over the fact she has tattoos and I heard she had some violent bfs. She is only 27 and really stunning looking and great personality. Usually going for younger but she is really relationship material. To be honest I prefer inexperienced girl who lacks relationship experience. I can’t phantom the idea of me walking down the street and some guys laughing behind my back. If I don’t want to have kids I wouldn’t mind because it is just for fun. But if I want to start a family it does matter for me.  I don’t want to inherent all of her emotional baggage and shit. Although she is an arm candy and it is amazing to show off. That is just a temporary thing. 

What are your actual chances of finding what you want? I assume what you're interested in is:

1. conventionally attractive (which means that they have options and are probably aware of it)
2. not extremely socially stunted or traumatized (too inconvenient/ not worth the effort. FYI: there is plenty of time to accumulate sexual trauma growing up as a girl in this world, through no direct choice of her own either.)
3. sexually expressive, open, at peace with their desire, potentially willing to explore sexually. Someone who isn't asexual, or who can take it or leave it, or who is very restrained in their sexual expression. 

Your options increase if you grew up in a sexually tightlaced culture or pick someone who is from that type of culture. Either they live there so the repercussions against being "inappropriately sexual" are too severe or they believe in it so deeply they hold onto celibacy or sexually restrained ideals even after they leave their mother country. Actually, unless they are very, very closely watched by their relatives, elders, and peers (almost always this is extreme religious fundamentalism), this tends to just make better liars and people who are good at justifying "loopholes" (like >insert sexual activity" isn't real sex). This is... still baggage. 

So this means that you're looking for someone who either deliberately chose very limited engagement with the opposite sex or had only been in very long term relationships. 

Ask yourself, why they made this choice? What motivates them when there is little extrinsic motivation to restrain themselves? And why would they choose you? If marriage and family is their goal: you're not helping their body count if you're not the one they're getting married to, are you? Either you're getting someone who keeps making errors of judgement with men, unless they are very young and very naive (which you mentioned that you prefer). In that case, are you leaving them better than you found them? Do you not feel responsible for them in that way, for perpetuating the same issue you criticize in these women?

Do you have an apocalyptic attitude toward all of this? Like fuck it, this culture is rotten, I might as well get mine? 

You know that if a woman wants to settle down and find her "person" and you take someone very inexperienced and naive, that you are leaving a negative impact on them for the rest of their life? In the worst possible outcomes, you are breaking them? TBH I consider this to be emotionally parasitical and predatory behaviour.

 

By the way, there is this notion that women who have options and who have restricted themselves by choice, that they want super experienced and slutty men. Like it is preferred. Often it is not. Often their standards are lowered for whatever reason. If you honestly believe this, ask yourself where you got this information from. 

 

 

 

Edited 1 hour ago by eos_nyxia

[Xonas Pitfall]

39 minutes ago, eos_nyxia said:

You know that if a woman wants to settle down and find her "person" and you take someone very inexperienced and naive, that you are leaving a negative impact on them for the rest of their life? In the worst possible outcomes, you are breaking them? TBH I consider this to be emotionally parasitical and predatory behaviour.

They just don’t care. That’s it.

“The world isn’t fair; everyone is playing a dating game” is used to justify why they can play more “games.” Everyone is unconscious and selfish, therefore what I’m doing is justified. The world isn’t fair. Yet they go for the vulnerable to exploit, of course.

“Men just have different preferences than women” means they don’t address the fundamental inhumanity of it. No one wants this type of disrespect if they genuinely cared about themselves or others. So, just saying “men and women operate differently” can completely avoid any attacks on human decency.

That’s basically the whole schema: you want to get as much as you can for your ego, pleasure, fun, etc., while being as oblivious and unconscious as possible and getting away with it. And since you’re blinded, you feel like you can normally ask these questions without getting a reaction. And anyone who calls it out is dismissed as too deluded, as someone who wants to “water down the truth,” is too “SJW,” wants “PC control,” “isn’t getting laid,” is clueless, naive, etc. That also prevents any further reflection, because any criticism can simply be dismissed as evidence that the person criticizing them is the problem.

Edited 57 minutes ago by Xonas Pitfall

[Inliytened1]

34 minutes ago, Xonas Pitfall said:

They just don’t care. That’s it.

“The world isn’t fair; everyone is playing a dating game” is used to justify why they can play more “games.” Everyone is unconscious and selfish, therefore what I’m doing is justified. The world isn’t fair. Yet they go for the vulnerable to exploit, of course.

“Men just have different preferences than women” means they don’t address the fundamental inhumanity of it. No one wants this type of disrespect if they genuinely cared about themselves or others. So, just saying “men and women operate differently” can completely avoid any attacks on human decency.

That’s basically the whole schema: you want to get as much as you can for your ego, pleasure, fun, etc., while being as oblivious and unconscious as possible and getting away with it. And since you’re blinded, you feel like you can normally ask these questions without getting a reaction. And anyone who calls it out is dismissed as too deluded, as someone who wants to “water down the truth,” is too “SJW,” wants “PC control,” “isn’t getting laid,” is clueless, naive, etc. That also prevents any further reflection, because any criticism can simply be dismissed as evidence that the person criticizing them is the problem.

I think what happened is we all just need to go back to stage blue like grandma and grandpa.  They made it work.  Though it wasn't pretty. 

Incorporating the earlier stages of SD becomes quite apparent here.

[Ulax]

The issue is most men are in such scarcity that they will rationalise away their dislikes in a girl who is actually interested in them and they are somewhat attracted to. So it is hard to have an honest discussion about it.

[Inliytened1]

4 minutes ago, Ulax said:

The issue is most men are in such scarcity that they will rationalise away their dislikes in a girl who is actually interested in them and they are somewhat attracted to. So it is hard to have an honest discussion about it.

Girls are too picky, period.  So, that's why I said fuck them good.

[LordFall]

24 minutes ago, Ulax said:

The issue is most men are in such scarcity that they will rationalise away their dislikes in a girl who is actually interested in them and they are somewhat attracted to. So it is hard to have an honest discussion about it.

Yes most people settle for the first relationship that's semi stable even if they're not super into their partner or they aren't really compatible in terms of their desired life purpose. Abundance is a concept that sounds simple but goes very deep.