What is a good number of friends to have?

[Zenterus]

I was never the type to have too many friends.

I've gone through phases where I had a massive social circle for dating prospect acquisition reasons but as time went on I started to burn out from that. Massive friend groups seem so fucking fake to me and lacking in real depth.

Additionally, I tend to be a very disciplined person so I dont typically enjoy being around people too much unless there's a purpose behind the hangout that will benefit me in some other way or I just REALLY enjoy hanging out with them. 

-- Me being a natural introvert is also a factor --

But then I go online and see people hanging out with extensive friend groups, going camping, playing sports, travelling together etc and I sometimes get envious of it.

I do have some really solid friends but most are either living in other countries or other cities and thus we see each other a couple times a year (maybe). In my current city I may have 1-3 at any given time. 

Normally I'd be okay with that but there was a time when I went to therapy -- years ago -- and my therapist alluded to the fact that me not having a lot of friends was somehow a problem and I guess that stuck with me because an "authority" figure proposed it.

Furthermore, after being in pickup for so many years and learning the power of pre-selection and social proof, it does make me feel like it might signal something deficient in me if I don't have more people in my life who I have healthy friendships with.

Or is it the Green Stage of the Spiral emerging more and more from me and inspiring me to seek more of a community?

Who knows.

 

Curious to know your thoughts.

Edited 4 hours ago by Zenterus

[Schizophonia]

As many as you want/need/can have 

[Miguel1]

1-3 close ones including my significant other, then a few not too close.

I have like 50 friends I go only to play football with but I don’t count them as friends.

[something_else]

From what I have heard about your pickup journey and the way you're talking here (which I relate to a lot) I think you're probably quite high on the avoidant scale. That can cause you to avoid friendships or other close/deep connections.

I still struggle with this to a degree as well, though in the past year or two I've built some much deeper friendships (which I certainly hope will be lifelong) and it's one of the best things I've ever done.

There is no single number, but I feel like a solid group of 3-5 close friends that you enjoy spending time with for no specific purpose other than vibes and fun is one of the best things you can have. It isn't transactional, you don't need to constantly worry about providing or exchanging value, you can just vibe. It's great for your mental health to have people who like you for you, and not what you can provide them.

Edited 4 hours ago by something_else

[Zenterus]

@Miguel1 I also saw on your gram that you do hang out with a lot of dancers. You actually seem pretty extroverted on social media.

[Zenterus]

@something_else That's what I'm told, but I'm conflicted on this.. I genuinely dont enjoy most people's company. Few people I feel like I truly relate to.

Plus I value my alone time so much. 

Im conscious enough to realize that my avoidant side might also be rationalizing all the above in order to avoid change.

[Valach]

3 hours ago, Zenterus said:

I was never the type to have too many friends.

I've gone through phases where I had a massive social circle for dating prospect acquisition reasons but as time went on I started to burn out from that. Massive friend groups seem so fucking fake to me and lacking in real depth.

Additionally, I tend to be a very disciplined person so I dont typically enjoy being around people too much unless there's a purpose behind the hangout that will benefit me in some other way or I just REALLY enjoy hanging out with them. 

-- Me being a natural introvert is also a factor --

But then I go online and see people hanging out with extensive friend groups, going camping, playing sports, travelling together etc and I sometimes get envious of it.

I do have some really solid friends but most are either living in other countries or other cities and thus we see each other a couple times a year (maybe). In my current city I may have 1-3 at any given time. 

Normally I'd be okay with that but there was a time when I went to therapy -- years ago -- and my therapist alluded to the fact that me not having a lot of friends was somehow a problem and I guess that stuck with me because an "authority" figure proposed it.

Furthermore, after being in pickup for so many years and learning the power of pre-selection and social proof, it does make me feel like it might signal something deficient in me if I don't have more people in my life who I have healthy friendships with.

Or is it the Green Stage of the Spiral emerging more and more from me and inspiring me to seek more of a community?

Who knows.

 

Curious to know your thoughts.

Hey brother,

I really resonate with this. I've been—and to some extent still am—quite avoidant myself, especially in romantic relationships. I never really struggled to make friends, but I definitely noticed my avoidant tendencies showing up in friendships too.

One thing I've learned is that you have to cultivate a lot of self-awareness. Whenever you feel pulled away from someone, ask yourself: Is this because there's a genuine incompatibility between us, or is it an internal fear manifesting as disinterest? That distinction can be surprisingly difficult to make.

That said, as I've gone deeper into my own healing, I've actually found myself preferring fewer friendships. Partly because it's become harder to find people I truly relate to, and partly because I've become much more aware of how other people's energy and presence affect me.

As for the "ideal" number of friends—I don't think anyone can answer that for you. Only you can discover whether you genuinely want more connection or whether you're already fulfilled with a smaller circle.

What stood out to me, though, was why you're asking the question. You mention feeling envious when you see large friend groups online, and you also worry that having fewer friends might make you appear deficient. Underneath that, I hear a fear that maybe you are deficient. That's a completely understandable fear, but I don't think it's a healthy place from which to build friendships.

To me, healthy friendships come from genuine curiosity about another person and simply enjoying who they are. Not from trying to match an image of what a socially successful person is supposed to look like.

One last thought.

A lot of people—including myself at times—carry a significant amount of emotional pain, whether consciously or unconsciously. One of the most common ways we avoid feeling that pain is by staying constantly occupied. Dating, pickup, sex, endless socializing... these can all become ways of distracting ourselves from what's happening inside.

So when you see people constantly surrounded by others, it doesn't necessarily mean they're living healthier or more fulfilling lives. Sometimes it's exactly the opposite.

I'd stay connected to yourself, keep exploring what you genuinely want—not what you think you should want—and trust that you'll end up with the amount of connection that's actually right for you.

[LordFall]

I think having goals in common with people helps in forming solid friendships. I've had a few friendships fade away in the last 10 years because we are in different stages of life and have different value and goals. If you are into pickup it's easy to make guy friends into pickup. Making friends into business seems to be a bit more difficult because it seems to be a more individualistic endeavour so I haven't had as much luck with it but I do have a solid network of acquaintances from it. 

I would say pick 5 things that you have interest in and go to 5 events in those niches and at each one try to add a few people on Instagram and plan to meetup another time outside of where you met them if you get along with them. If it's a mutual sports league then ask one of the guys to come workout with you. If it's a business club ask one to do a mutual co-working session with you. I'm quite sure that those 25 outings you will have created a solid circle based on people who have compatible values and goals as you; or your money back.