meta_male

I'm running out of ammo in dating.

33 posts in this topic

This year I pushed myself harder with dating. Not doing mass approaches but still approaching, taking the lead on dates, doing all the planning. The result was rejection after rejection. And the few women who do show interest often don't follow through and flake, then randomly show up again.

After several messy relationships and situationships my filter has sharpened. I'm not lowering the bar just to get between some woman's legs. Which leaves me here: high standards, almost no results and the constant grind of being the one who has to make a move. This is burning me out. Not the rejections itself, I can take that and still feel fine afterwards, but the structure of the game. Women get to sit back, do jackshit and just choose. Meanwhile men gotta do 95% of the work for near zero return. The effort is so high none of the outcomes feel even remotely worth it. Ironically, I've got a few women I meet here and there, there is some activiy in the background...but very one sided and effort heavy on my part. So even with that I don't feel wanted if I gotta be the one pushing everything forward all the time.

I don’t buy the “grind harder” mindset anymore or the “love shows up when you least expect it". I've experimented with both long enough and I'm still left with breadcrumbs and now hitting a wall.

So to the guys who've been there: how the hell do you stomach this? How you keep going when the rules are stacked like this? I don't want pity, I want real, grounded frames and mindsets that stops this from turning into bitterness. 

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27 minutes ago, meta_male said:

Women get to sit back, do jackshit and just choose. Meanwhile men gotta do 95% of the work for near zero return. The effort is so high none of the outcomes feel even remotely worth it. Ironically, I've got a few women I meet here and there, there is some activiy in the background...but very one sided and effort heavy on my part. So even with that I don't feel wanted if I gotta be the one pushing everything forward all the time.

A couple things:

1) Consider that you might not be getting the girl to invest enough during your initial approaches / dates. If she is invested, she will be putting in some effort. So work on qualifying more and letting her come to you

2) Do you enjoy being a man? Your post reads somewhat like you rather be a woman. You should get a deep satisfaction out of being in your masculine polarity. It should not feel like a chore, although I understand it comes with challenges

3) Dating is very competitive and difficult if you want top results. Either be willing to compete or lower your standards

Edited by aurum

"Finding your reason can be so deceiving, a subliminal place. 

I will not break, 'cause I've been riding the curves of these infinity words and so I'll be on my way. I will not stay.

 And it goes On and On, On and On"

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You sound very attached to results. Women absolutely do pick up on that and it does not attract, it repels. There is a big difference between the guy who subconsciously has all sorts of expectations and is hinging his wellbeing on getting results and the guy who is free in this regard. I would focus more on foundational work around your worth as a man and connecting with your true spiritual value. You don’t sound like you’re having fun. You need to connect back to why you want to relate to women in the first place and start valuing yourself first. Men like this radiate an energy that is fun because they genuinely are having fun and not putting pressure on it. Tap into this. 

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@meta_male Reframe the rejections in the light of Growth Mindset and keep going until you don't get the results.

As well as realise that most girls whom you hit on won't be receptive to you.The moment you find out that a girl is unreceptive leave her and move on to the receptive one's. For example- If a girl is smiling at you, if she approaches you then she is receptive.

I was in a similar situation of experiencing chronic rejection in college but now if a girl isn't receptive to me , I don't care and move on.

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1 hour ago, meta_male said:

“love shows up when you least expect it"

I'll never understand how this became a common saying. If it ever made sense, it must have been many years ago...

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2 hours ago, aurum said:

2) Do you enjoy being a man? Your post reads somewhat like you rather be a woman. You should get a deep satisfaction out of being in your masculine polarity. It should not feel like a chore, although I understand it comes with challenges

For the record, I do enjoy being a man. I thrive in male-dominant environments. Leadership, pushing limits, competition, brotherhood...and I would count myself to be in the mastery phase there. If I regret anything it's not having been recruited into the army. I regularly out-compete other guys...except when it comes to dating. I actually dislike feminine environments, so it's not like I resent masculinity itself or wish to be on the receiving end like women are. I’m not allergic to effort.

I grew up in a social environment where women actively hit on me and invested first. I know what it feels like to be wanted by the opposite sex. So when I say it's one sided it's not just my perception, it's a before and after contrast. I know what mutual effort and interest feel like.

Since leaving that environment, I haven't been able to recreate anything close to it in the past decade, and that's part of why the current dating dynamic feels brutally one sided. Now I'm trying to figure out how to stomach a system where that kind of reciprocity seems to have vanished.

Edited by meta_male

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If you grew up with a mother who was very demanding of the phallus, sometimes hysterical/narcissistic, this can make the phallic position intimidating because of the expectation.

If you ask yourself why you are shy, why you rarely appear in public, why you deleted your pp eheh etc, you will see that if you are honest the ultimate fear is that your mother sees this as an opportunity to use you as a phallus ("ohh my child has this account updated with this photo 🤗, that's funny !")


This is repressed in the unconscious because of the pain/ castration axiety ofc, and the repression is maintained by an "overlay" self-imaginary, maintained by rumination based on the "inverse" belief of not being capable, particularly in the female gender, of course, but in life in general.
Anxiety, paralysis, inferiority complex, etc, unconsciously serve to avoid the phallic phase and the opposite situation of the weight of the maternal figure's desire for the phallus.

Phallic failure induces chronic boredom and a resort to anal and oral sadistic regression; to make a shortcut to sadomasochistic tendencies (not only purely sexual), an inclination to see the world in a performative way, too personal, feminine ways, over-preoccupation with scrupulous subjects (personal development, religion, nutrition...), addictive tendencies especially oral (cigarettes, cigars, vaping, biting one's nails, always eating...)


And obviously, this is reflected in the material, maya.
There are sons of single women who have no problem with women or self-flagellation in general, but this is because their mother is less intimidating, or at least they have managed to move past it and allow themselves to go into the phallic stage.

Edited by Schizophonia

Nothing will prevent Willy.

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2 hours ago, Lyubov said:

You sound very attached to results.

Yes of course I'm attached to results. I want to get laid more. And tbh, anything short of that feels like the effort wasn't worth it. I've heard the advice a hundred times: if sex is the crown, you're always walking around uncrowned. Women can smell the desperation from a mile away. But it doesn't stop the mental loop. This stuff is in my head 24/7. My whole life revolves around it. Whether I like it or not, a huge part of my self worth seems to be tied to how women respond to me.

2 hours ago, Lyubov said:

You don’t sound like you’re having fun.

That's true. I'm not, not in the dating context anyway. The only times I feel alive and in flow are when I'm off-grid in my zone, doing things that have nothing to do with chasing women. Ironically, that's also when most opportunities show up. In that state I'm so in my element I'm not even bothered about making a move, because I feel an infinite abundance of opportunites. My mind goes: no urgency, no pressure...let them make the move. 

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8 minutes ago, Schizophonia said:

If you grew up with a mother who was very demanding of the phallus, sometimes hysterical/narcissistic, this can make the phallic position intimidating because of the expectation.

If you ask yourself why you are shy, why you rarely appear in public, why you deleted your pp eheh etc, you will see that if you are honest the ultimate fear is that your mother sees this as an opportunity to use you as a phallus ("ohh my child has this account updated with this photo 🤗, that's funny !")


This is repressed in the unconscious because of the pain/ castration axiety ofc, and the repression is maintained by an "overlay" self-imaginary, maintained by rumination based on the "inverse" belief of not being capable, particularly in the female gender, of course, but in life in general.
Anxiety, paralysis, inferiority complex, etc, unconsciously serve to avoid the phallic phase and the opposite situation of the weight of the maternal figure's desire for the phallus.

Phallic failure induces chronic boredom and a resort to anal and oral sadistic regression; to make a shortcut to sadomasochistic tendencies (not only purely sexual), an inclination to see the world in a performative way, too personal, feminine ways, over-preoccupation with scrupulous subjects (personal development, religion, nutrition...), addictive tendencies especially oral (cigarettes, cigars, vaping, biting one's nails, always eating...)


And obviously, this is reflected in the material, maya.
There are sons of single women who have no problem with women or self-flagellation in general, but this is because their mother is less intimidating, or at least they have managed to move past it and allow themselves to go into the phallic stage.

An absent or conflicting relationship with the father also contributes (perhaps just bad opposition) to making the phallic position frightening, independently of the relationship with the mother.


Nothing will prevent Willy.

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1 hour ago, Kid A said:

I'll never understand how this became a common saying. If it ever made sense, it must have been many years ago...

This makes sense because wanting is the opposite of having; when you stop wanting, the energy can flow again, and manifestation becomes more possible.
But "having" implies being the phallus, the object of the other's desire, which can be perceived as a mindfuck if you have non-phallic software; to protect you from castration anxiety.

 

Edited by Schizophonia

Nothing will prevent Willy.

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@Schizophonia I'm not operating through that psychoanalytic lens, so most of that stuff doesn't land for me. 

I'm not shy, I'm not struggling with being seen in public. I made my account private cause I'd been close to writing stuff that could've gotten me banned due to trauma triggers, and I didn't want personal info out there without being able to change it.

But yes, my mother was rather narcissistic and my dad was weak and depressed.

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Are you in shape, dress well? Groom?
 

Those make a big difference for me. Although I’m completely relying on my looks which has it’s disadvantages.

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Someone should make memes about the "love will find you by itself when you least expect it" thing. It's so often repeated by most people, almost always unsolicited too lmao


Blind leading the blind

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4 hours ago, meta_male said:

I actually dislike feminine environments,

Seems like you haven't integrated your feminine side. What @aurumsaid to you i was also feeling the same thing while reading certain parts of your post. Even the way you defended your masculine position in your response to him says a lot. Masculinity has nothing to do with any of that. To me, that just shows an air of trying to overdo masculinity, trying to prove to yourself how masculine you are.

This is not a criticism or judgement, and sometimes we're not even aware we're being these things. Maybe investigate deeper within as to why you're doing certain things and what is the reward expected from doing them. It's similar to how trans overdo being feminine. They go above and beyond to show the world how feminine they are. They switch a little bit harder and try to outdo real women because of this and they compete more with real women to fit in.

Masculinity is not about feeling wanted it's about being needed. Making the feminine wanting to be around that energy. Making the feminine needing that masculine energy to balance her out not for the masculine to be expecting her to do things to make him feel wanted but for her to be appreciative of him and to recognize his worth. He recognizes her worth from her being, and she recognizes his from his doing - that's the balance, that's the give and take. He gives and she receives but both are receiving and giving simultaneously. 

As a man ages it gets harder for him to just be and expect the female to just come to him. That dynamic is easier when a man is much younger. Girls will flock to him like birds and he got spoilt, now manhood is kicking in, it's not that easy and now he's realizing he needs to put in much more than before. This is a man's expiry date. For women, it's their looks and age; for men it's their age and status and position in society. Can you show her you can make her feel safe, even if it's just for show. A man can look any how and still get beautiful women but there's a lot more work involved when he gets older. Security, protection and the power dynamic is at play. The provision of these things for older men is what attracts women now, not looks or appearance. You're starting to see the effects of a man aging when it comes to the dating world VS when he's a teenager or early 20's. Whole new bald game.

Just as a side note, your profile name also suggests a bit of what I'm saying and that's just a personal opinion and only came to mind after this thread became a thing. 

Edited by Princess Arabia

What you know leaves what you don't know and what you don't know is all there is. 

 

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4 hours ago, meta_male said:

 

I'm not shy

The translation may not be correct; I didn't mean shy in the "fragile" sense, but rather in the "paranoid" sense, as in the context of compulsion neurosis.
It's more like a form of "polite distance" that corresponds to hidden self-flagellation. Psychosexual regression can, depending on the context, give rise to a performative/ambitious character, but it's always in the context of an oppositional connection to the object.
Many PUA players actually have a persona like this.


Nothing will prevent Willy.

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@Princess Arabia Why "Princess Arabia"? That's some queen energy right there.

And sure, there’s something to what you said, but maybe the other way around. I used to be more in my feminine...soft, accommodating, too empathetic. Now I’ve integrated the masculine, and that’s actually where I feel most alive and seen. Either way, demand is high and supply is gone.

 

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33 minutes ago, Schizophonia said:

Psychosexual regression can, depending on the context, give rise to a performative/ambitious character, but it's always in the context of an oppositional connection to the object.
Many PUA players actually have a persona like this.

Makes sense. I might have built that same armor to not feel like I'm losing control. It probably started as protection, but now it's the fire that drives and energises me.

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@meta_male What process are you following? Taking random actions and being frustrate that it doesn't work is a sure way to never gain sucess.

How many cold approaches have you done? How many instagrams have you gotten? How good is your Instagram? How many women have you asked out? Are you on dating apps? Have you gotten a professional shoot done for your dating app and your Instagram? How many events have you thrown i.e. social circle game? Do you have guys around you also into game to give you feedback and support you?

The male dating strategy is pretty straight forward but you gotta get it to work for you. Take action -> Optimize your status 

The male dating experience not worse than the female one IMO because when you fix your mindset and take right action you can pretty much guarantee success, just gotta take it seriously and not fall into the victim mindset. 

Edited by LordFall

Owner of creatives community all around Canada as well as a business mastermind 

Follow me on Instagram @Kylegfall <3

 

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Interesting you see OP having had issues integrating the feminine - I see more issues with integrating the masculine from past posts. 

IE unable to assert ones self without force. Or calmly approach arguments without a lot of heated assumptions and language 

That points to me that existing from the masculine frame is newer and less integrated. 


Deal with the issue now, on your terms, in your control. Or the issue will deal with you, in ways you won't appreciate, and cannot control.

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