What's the most high consciousness way to deal with anger?

[Someone here]

My older Brother came to stay with me for few weeks . I hate him .the guy is a thug. He is a total dickhead. I knew we are going to end up fighting and insulting each other's with the most filthy words on the sexual dictionary. And soon enough we just had a fight yesterday because I didn't wash the dishes and slept over .we agreed that he will take care of the laundry and I will clean the dishes. I'm not sure why is he so edgy and grumpy all the time . 

He made me extremely angry yesterday. I couldn't cope with him because he got steel muscular body..if I punched him he might literally rip me into ashes so I pussyed out and just yelled at him.

The proplem is this is disturbing my work on spiritual liberation. Robert Adams says you can't achieve liberation if you "get angry over nonsense ". I could just think well ..my brother has no ego ..he is not a bad person ..he is not even a person..he is going through his own karma ..all is well and everything is unfolding as it should and there are no mistakes or things to correct blah blah. But the shocking thing is I can't let it go .he manged to completely go under my skin and make me lose my spiritual peace.  What is the most high consciousness way of dealing with toxic people who cause anger and frustration In you if your goal is to love unconditionally and be liberated from human games and human drama and human BULLSHIT? 

 

Edited August 17 by Someone here

[James123]

15 minutes ago, Someone here said:

My older Brother came to stay with me for few weeks . I hate him .the guy is a thug. He is a total dickhead. I knew we are going to end up fighting and insulting each other's with the most filthy words on the sexual dictionary. And soon enough we just had a fight yesterday because I didn't wash the dishes and slept over .we agreed that he will take care of the laundry and I will clean the dishes. I'm not sure why is he so edgy and grumpy all the time . 

He made me extremely angry yesterday. I couldn't cope with him because he got steel muscular body..if I punched him he might literally rip me into ashes so I pussyed out and just yelled at him.

The proplem is this is disturbing my work on spiritual liberation. Robert Adams says you can't achieve liberation if you "get angry over nonsense ". I could just think well ..my brother has no ego ..he is not a bad person ..he is not even a person..he is going through his own karma ..all is well and everything is unfolding as it should and there are no mistakes or things to correct blah blah. But the shocking thing is I can't let it go .he manged to completely go under my skin and make me lose my spiritual peace.  What is the most high consciousness way of dealing with toxic people who cause anger and frustration In you if your goal is to love unconditionally and be liberated from human games and human drama and human BULLSHIT? 

 

Be witness of thoughts, feelings. Do not attach or react.

[Natasha Tori Maru]

This sounds like the test from hell...

Family has a way of really provoking ego. And it can make you regress to previous infantile dynamics you thought you broke free of. Honestly - how you react, and your ability to manage your emotions in this situation, is an indicator for growth. If you are presented with the same situation again and again but find yourself reacting differently - you have integrated something along the path.

Having said all that - this may not be what you want to hear: no one can MAKE you feel anything. No one can make you angry. You generate that internally by reacting to their charged state. You can only control yourself in this situation. You let yourself lose your temper. You are strong enough to divert that huge emotional charge into holding on and controlling anger. Repressing doesn't work - focus all energy on what you wanted to achieve - self-control to resolve the conflict. It may seem like the external causes you to lash out - but it is how you are reacting in the moment. Reacting instead of responding. And I know - I have been the damn queen of instant, intense charged emotion. I don't react at all like I once did. 100% focus on the solution. Resolving the shit.

Sometimes reacting differently yourself changes how others respond - although your brother sounds like he has a lot of charged up energy that he throws at you when conflicts arise. It can be really difficult to stand in the face of that and respond, not react. And men have that snap anger that is so intense it can feel like an unstoppable force that needs to explicate.

Maybe you could try to reframe this. Instead of looking at it as a setback - see it as a marker that you may have more work to do in your spiritual work. This is a marker and a test. Do you notice anything different to previous conflict with siblings? Is it just as bad? You might cool down quicker now and refocus on fixing the issue - that would be an indicator you have made progress.

Overall, don't be too hard on yourself and your practice right now - this is a shitty time that will pass. Everything changes - except change. You will get back on the path, you may just need to accept a pause. 

If I were in your position, I would be getting out into nature with books as much as possible. Hikes. Air.

[Someone here]

30 minutes ago, James123 said:

Be witness of thoughts, feelings. Do not attach or react.

I didn't react physically as I said I didn't actually punch him or anything. But the reaction was automatic anger inside of me . I couldn't stop being angry .I believe it's not under my conscious control .

[Someone here]

24 minutes ago, Natasha Tori Maru said:

This sounds like the test from hell...

Family has a way of really provoking ego. And it can make you regress to previous infantile dynamics you thought you broke free of. Honestly - how you react, and your ability to manage your emotions in this situation, is an indicator for growth. If you are presented with the same situation again and again but find yourself reacting differently - you have integrated something along the path.

Having said all that - this may not be what you want to hear: no one can MAKE you feel anything. No one can make you angry. You generate that internally by reacting to their charged state. You can only control yourself in this situation. You let yourself lose your temper. You are strong enough to divert that huge emotional charge into holding on and controlling anger. Repressing doesn't work - focus all energy on what you wanted to achieve - self-control to resolve the conflict. It may seem like the external causes you to lash out - but it is how you are reacting in the moment. Reacting instead of responding. And I know - I have been the damn queen of instant, intense charged emotion. I don't react at all like I once did. 100% focus on the solution. Resolving the shit.

Sometimes reacting differently yourself changes how others respond - although your brother sounds like he has a lot of charged up energy that he throws at you when conflicts arise. It can be really difficult to stand in the face of that and respond, not react. And men have that snap anger that is so intense it can feel like an unstoppable force that needs to explicate.

Maybe you could try to reframe this. Instead of looking at it as a setback - see it as a marker that you may have more work to do in your spiritual work. This is a marker and a test. Do you notice anything different to previous conflict with siblings? Is it just as bad? You might cool down quicker now and refocus on fixing the issue - that would be an indicator you have made progress.

Overall, don't be too hard on yourself and your practice right now - this is a shitty time that will pass. Everything changes - except change. You will get back on the path, you may just need to accept a pause. 

If I were in your position, I would be getting out into nature with books as much as possible. Hikes. Air.

Thanks Natasha. Good advice . The point about reacting vs not reacting is where the crux of the matter is . In my own experience there is no one who reacts .the body is like an airplane on autopilot..when someone tells you fuck off you piece of shit ..then the body naturally gets boiling blood .when someone tells you I love you ...the body automatically releases feeling good hormones. Do you think "I" have a say in the matter ? I know this may sound like Neo advaita spiritual bypassing but that's my current understanding of self ..emotions ..and reacting mechanisms as of now .

[UnbornTao]

Investigate it. Start by recognizing that you are the one being angry - anger doesn't come from the circumstances.

Edited August 18 by UnbornTao

[Natasha Tori Maru]

In my own experience - I am by no means so far into spirituality as many others - I cannot stop a reaction in the body (like what you describe) but I can lessen it. I can lessen my minds inflation of the feeling. The mind really acts to enhance suffering. The feeling still arises naturally (as it will), but I was heaping shit on top of it with my mind. The feeling is NOTHING without the thoughts that you generate on top of it.

It is the attachment to it that I lost - or reduced. I feel irritation rising in me - the full feeling of it - but no impulse to act. It registers as an experience - even if really overwhelming. I don't judge it as good or bad or anything - it is a sensation that has arisen because of my body reacting in survival to circumstances. It will always pass. I stop attaching any meaning to the feeling. The mind is the part that adds unnecessary fuel to the fire 'That was so unfair' 'I want justice' 'They did me wrong'. These little narratives are self/ego thoughts. This component you have the ability to control and lesson with practice. Once you realize you are adding this narrative. Having the thoughts. You realize you have the power to change or stop them. The body still has an experience, but you are now in a state to handle it without all the attachment to the thoughts inflating it all. You remain clear minded even when flooded with adrenalin. A lot of serious meditation, contemplation and practice can train the mind to recognize your thoughts aren't all you are - your ideas are just ideas, no need for all the attachment to them. Good for arguing too - less ego involved when someone comes along and destroys your idea. But you seem to be well past this realization on your journey!

I have huge issues with my own siblings - who I work with - and I was facing this sort of triggering anger every day for a year. It was only through loosening up the meaning and story I was telling myself that it abated (and now it registers as a mild irritation, like a phone app freezing, whereas before it rendered me unable to maintain composure). Again, others may have better advice. But for myself it was realizing I was not my thoughts. *I* was thinking them. They weren't befalling me.  I was thinking those narratives 'Why can't she just recognize I am trying to help, instead of lash out?' and the narratives were fuelling the emotional charge. Making it all worse. I was all about ME - look what she did to ME. The attachment to the narrative and thought was my undoing. Meditation made me super aware of the thoughts. I realized it was the illusory self. And this helped me stop doing it. Now most of the time it is an experience felt - not good or bad. Just a very charged up feeling.

I think the Neo Advaita stuff can be useful to realize the paradox that the self is an illusion. To see it for what it is - a construct for survival. But it still remains as long as we survive. I have no hope of eliminating it - not possible. The self is the greatest attachment we have - and surrendering it leads to union - non-duality - love. But you just can't operate from that state - no matter how awesome the blissful moments can be

 

Edited August 17 by Natasha Tori Maru

[Someone here]

20 minutes ago, UnbornTao said:

Investigate it. Start by recognizing that you are the one being angry - it doesn't come from the circumstances.

I don't follow. How is me being the one who is angry indicative that the anger doesn't come from the circumstances? 

[Natasha Tori Maru]

I will add - keep going in your practice.

A side effect of serious spiritual practice - it has been great in my career.

I manage commercial construction projects and am well known for never losing my cool and handling hard shit with compassion.

Hard deadlines, high expectations, insane problems, incompetence. I've never had a day where I hit any sort of breaking point or got overly emotional. I feel stress, but I am clear and focus on the task. It helps me maintain integrity, honesty and authenticity. No self mode

Big contrast to the volume of grumpy arse turd CMs I meet...

 

Edited August 17 by Natasha Tori Maru

[UnbornTao]

37 minutes ago, Someone here said:

I don't follow. How is me being the one who is angry indicative that the anger doesn't come from the circumstances? 

Seriously: Who's the one experiencing the anger?

Do similar circumstances "produce" the same reactions in other people?

Circumstances may stimulate certain knee-jerk responses in you, since you interpret and relate what's perceived to your self-agenda, and act accordingly. This is fine, by the way. 

"What happens" is what happens and how we respond to that is up to us, even when we don't know we're doing that.

But the one who is hurt is you! Don't overlook this point. We often want to blame something external for our experience and internal state - this is a victim's stance. Sometimes it may be valid to feel victimized, but most of the time it's disempowering and not true. Neither should you blame yourself; just become responsible for your experience.

Hurt underlies anger. You feel hurt for a reason, and you use anger to cope with that pain. See if you can feel the hurt before it is turned into or manifested as anger. That should provide a more "rock-bottom" experience to work with.

The reaction is a function of how you relate to events, rather than the events themselves.

Edited August 17 by UnbornTao

[Breakingthewall]

Your anger is absolutely legitimate. It's the manifestation of something much deeper, stemming from your childhood, from a toxic dynamic. You must understand the deep energetic dynamic between you and your brother. Anger is just the tip of the iceberg, the manifestation of a toxic family dynamic inherited from generations. If you get to the bottom of it, you will have done enormous work toward understanding the foundations of your psychological structure. Don't run away from the situation, penetrate it.

Run away is what is called "spirituality" , that is scapism. There is not you who can be angry, brother, love for you and for your holy family. Look, this doesn't work, it's just castration. you are a human, get deep in your humanity, it's glorious, even in its dark points 

Edited August 17 by Breakingthewall

[Cheese]

As good points have already been mentioned I would like to add this: Instead of focusing on dealing with anger. Cultivate charity, love and absolute toleration. This is easy to say, now that you have someone that triggers you on a daily or even moment to moment basis.

I had some young  arrogant co-worker/trainees assholes that went on my nerves at a building site. Well they were on the nerves of everyone, they had to just laugh and comment on everything. So one day when I arrived they started their shit right away, my intuition came into play, so I went up to them and hugged them. That was a 90 degree turning point in my brain, guided by the heart. They got completely bamboozled in the that moment. Then we were friendly to each other thereafter until they left.

Now I am not saying to go and hug your brother. Each situation, relationship and individuality is unique. Let intuition guide you if you need to take action.

Your tolerance seems to be good if you are not reacting physically. As for charity, in my case it was not by giving a person candy. I have a female co-worker who talked a lot about herself, "jokingly" remarked how great she was, her ego got bloated so much that when she "jokingly" remarked something hurtful to me, nothing in her mind seemed to indicate that she did anything wrong. I felt/intuited what she wanted and I translate it as praise/admiration, although being loved is what she wants to be underneath, but praise/admiration is the lense she goes with as to associate it with love (or lack of love or whatever). It is impossible for me to do anything in her presence as I am almost boiling at that moment. So I start small, I am home and I go on my knees and bow, and have a picture in my mind of her and the memory of what I felt that she wants (praise/admiration), and I give it to her in my mind, it goes something like this:

" No don't joke about how good you are, you are more than that, you are a highest angel in incarnate form, I praise and know and see you as the omnipotent source of divine infinite chalice of eternal wisdom and beauty"

And

" yes, I am a man with a small pp that is unworthy being in a presence of such a gracious supreme goddess, how lucky I am to be in the presence radiant golden fountain of Truth, the pointers casted my way are undeniably completely on point and are Truth of the highest degree, my imbecility wants to fight the Truth that you are so please forgive me oh highest Alaya that my pp is so small, my pp is so small that every second spent with you is worth more than infinite amount of money and the eternal Bliss of nirvana combined".

After this practice, my projections are reduced, I see with more clarity that it is just a person. There is no much need to categorize this person as a narcissist or whatever to defend myself or to prove a point. Not saying you should do what I do. Try to feel into your own intuition and guidance.

Sometimes even just giving something like candy, as a charitable action, to the person i am angry at is counterintuitive enough to bring about change in the brain circuit system.

 

Now something like this "worship, praise" above can be done with jealousy, here is an example at 47 minute mark:

 

Edit: Now I do not know you and the situation you are in. I am just putting in info on how I dealt with anger in general. This "info" or "advice" might not fitting for you at your current situation. I was given advice by my therapist a decade ago to try to go to a café or Cinema with my brother, I awestruck, didn't she understand/hear what I said to her? How stupid can someone be? So I walked home and I saw my brother putting gasoline on the doghouse and putting it on fire, the police came and arrested him. Not long after that I stopped seeing this therapist and I am happy that I did so. Now he is married, lives in another country and tries to quit alcohol. He has now lifted himself up to meeting point where we both can have a conversation. Sometimes it is the "other" person that needs to change and it takes time. 

Edited August 17 by Cheese

[Hyperion]

Letting go ≠ getting rid of.

If you drop a bag of bricks it will fall to the ground, but it is still going to be there. So, just let the anger be there. Don't resist it. Feel it fully. Feel it in all of its raw, amazing, ineffable power. Don't look at it as something that "shouldn't be there"; rather perceive it as an impersonal force of nature that is simply rising to the surface and discharging itself in the present moment, like an electric current that is flowing through your body. It only gets stuck in your body (and your mind) when you try to repress it; if on the other hand you just let it be there, allow it to wash over you and discharge itself, it will eventually run its course and fade away.

Does this mean that you need to act on it? No, it doesn't. This is where the art of nondoership comes into play... just feel whatever you feel and stay as outwardly calm as possible in the situation. Express whatever needs to be expressed, but do it in a way that is constructive rather than destructive.

Easier said than done? You bet your ass it is. But life just wouldn't be fun without some epic challenges. 

Good luck.

 

Edited August 17 by Hyperion

[James123]

1 hour ago, Someone here said:

I didn't react physically as I said I didn't actually punch him or anything. But the reaction was automatic anger inside of me . I couldn't stop being angry .I believe it's not under my conscious control .

Do not focus on your brother. Watch the feeling that arises within you. İf you can. 

[Breakingthewall]

59 minutes ago, James123 said:

Do not focus on your brother. Watch the feeling that arises within you. İf you can. 

Who watch that? The self that doesn't exist? 

[James123]

10 minutes ago, Breakingthewall said:

Who watch that? The self that doesn't exist? 

Firstly be witness, till witness and witnessed disseappears.

[Ishanga]

Resistance to what Is, I would say is the key thing to eliminate, as resistance first causes bitterness which boils into Anger...

So there are 2 keys things, first Accept all that is as it is, and live Now totally! By Accepting it is not that You want it this way or like it, You just Accept it.. You got into an Accident, that is bad enough, if You don't Accept it totally then Your adding mental/emotional stress to it, that disempowers You.

Live Now Totally, Use past to become Wise, not wounded... Imagine and plan for the Future, but don't live there Emotionally...Be Aware that Now is where Life is, there is nothing You can do about NOW, other than Accept it as it is... This allows the next Moment to be any Possibility! If You don't accept Now then Your ruled by the Past/Memory, and not open to what Potential there is to have in Life...

All this leads to Responding vs. Reacting, Responding is Conscious Action, Reacting is Unconscious Action, Consciousness allows the Potential within You to be explored and Experienced/Realized, Unconsciousness does the opposite, You live Low Potentiality Life, Survival Level only, reacting, Surviving, reacting repeating situations over and over again.

 

Edited August 17 by Ishanga

[Hojo]

Ishanga is right you should fight him. He think he can bully you. If you ever stood up to a bully you would know you dont have to beat them you just have to hurt them.If you hurt them they wont bully you anymore, you can get hurt but you are dealing with a problem in the future.

Edited August 17 by Hojo

[samijiben]

Good question. Indeed you can't control the boiling of the blood. 

But you can choose not to react in childish way. Breathe. Be conscious. Don't feed the anger with story. 

The anger arose in the 1st place because of story. Because of past trauma. Identity. Attachment. 

If you were as conscious as Buddha, nothing piss you off. Buddha doesn't care to die. Buddha already dead man walking. 

To fully answer your question, force is the way. Call it rage reciprocity. Some people have to be put in their place, that is, if you aren't willing to just walk away, which is always the best option. 

If you are forced or want to stay around or engage with such people, that is, fucking dickheads, then temper them, scream if you must, point out their bullshit, put em in their place!! No problem with feeling anrgy... you feel the anger for a reason! Let it out! Let it out in a mature way from a place of love. Such a thing is possible but requires high degree of enlightenment. 

I know an enlightened guy. He does not act as you might imagine. Yes, he is infinitely compassionate. But infinite compassion does NOT align witb fhe fantasy you have of it. 

 

Infinite compassion can mean screaming at someone to their face in such close proximity and so intensely that you scare the living fuck out of them...

Just sayin..

[ExploringReality]

Hey, I had a similar situation with my two brothers, I'm the middle child and I would always get into arguments with my little brother and my older brother and I was in a similar situation as you. It got to the point where me and my brothers fought physically and resulted in one of my brothers throwing a glass mug at my arm causing a huge laceration that tore through my tendons and caused a lifelong injury.

The only thing that really helped me out was reading the best emotional mastery books that you can find and go watch Leo's older episodes on dealing with people and dealing with your emotions at a root level solution. Just accept that you will be very angry, don't guilt Trip, attend and self soothe yourself and forgive yourself and your brother. Just practice forgiving yourself and your brother without needing your brother to step up and forgive you. Your brother is not a bad person he is like you said, unfolding through karma, this is a huge opportunity for you to put your spirituality and your maturity on the line in real time. Just reflect on what happened and try to forgive and let go even if you can't. Like a snakes skin, it will shed in time but don't force it. Try to reframe the situation, think about how much you love your brother even if you hate him. Try to get to a point where you're just filled with so much love and consciousness that you even forgive the hurt that you feel and the pain and anger that you feel stirred up within you. Your brother is not a bad person and you are not a bad person for reacting to his nonsense. Practice sometime imagining your death and your brother's death. Imagine what it would feel like if he died tomorrow, just imagine you giving him a hug and loving the shit out of him even if he doesn't change. Take it moment by moment, don't try to rush yourself to be in a calm peaceful state. Your already doing the work, your in the fire, your skins in the game. And also remember,,, this to shall pass. 

Edited August 17 by ExploringReality