Finally a true god realization

[emil1234]

after 5 years of non stop dedicated spiritual work i finally had a god realization on ayahuasca.

I was in the ayahuasca ceremony. Layer after layer got peeled back, till I finally awoke as pure consciousness. Pure I AM ness. Nothingness. This idea of "waking up" is literally the most precise term ever, because it feels infinitely more radical than waking up from a dream. I was still aware that in the background I had the dream of a human Self called Emil going on. So I didn't entirely lose connection to my body, althrough i was completely aware that my true identity was consciousness, nothingness.

And by the way; the people speaking of something outside of consciosuness is bullshit. Cessation, deep sleep, NOTHINGNESS is imagined by consciousness. You cannot get beyond consciousness. I used to believe in Nothingness, Deep sleep as the "absolute". No longer. Consciousness is absolute.

the realization of my true identity, eternal nothingness, consciousness. immortal, nothing could hurt me. the initial realization of consciousness, is that its fundamental quality was not love, but a steady blissfulness and peace. This was its core quality. Everything that was happening around me had zero influence on my true identity. With this realization, I started letting myself "dream", and partially to a certain extend, forget my true identity, just to have some fun. Nothing could hurt me anyways, so why not? I let myself indulge in horrors, scary dark dreams, just for the fun of it, because why not?

After "dreaming" for some time, I realized; Well, if I'm completely eternal, and I can experience all this stuff; Why don't I start loving it? Why dont i start loving ALL of it? Why not? Why the fuck not haha? I am completely eternal, immortal, here forever, nothing can hurt me. So why should I not make love to everything? As an eternal, immortal being, that became the only worthwile thing. 

So I started loving. Everything. The more i loved, the more I realized that everything that was not love, was a complete fucking joke. a total distraction. In eternity, the only currency that holds ANY value at all, is love. everything else, approval, money, EVERYTHING else is the biggest joke in existence. Love is literally the only thing that has value.

I kept on loving everything. What was very curious and characteristic about this whole experience, is that it was ME, myself, making logical conclusions and realizations about myself as pure consciousness, the eternal being.

So i kept loving so much, that I became an infinite singularity. There was only love left. This was the biggest chok ever, because I realized that as the infinte singularity, I could decide to keep increasing the love infinitely. This word infinitely is not meant likely; to experience something that can go on literally for ever, without any limit, without doubt the most radical thing i have ever experienced. My love for myself could keep increasing infinitely for all of eternity, completely without limit or end. 

This is where I have confusions about what happened next; I left the singularity for some reason. I don't know if it got boring; i dont persoanlly think so? Nevertheless, I went from the infinite singularity, to the process of constructing my own life, from -and with infinite love.

I had infinite resources, infinite time, power, infinite EVERYHING to draw from. I remember the attention to detail I put into constructing every little excact detail and atom in my life, pouring literal infinite unlimited love into ALLLLLL aspects of the dream. 

This was the best expereince of my life. The unlimited love constructing my own life. I still can't believe that this can even be experienced, something literally unlimited.

So while I mentioned earlier that the fundamental quality of consciousness is bliss and peace, it seems that consciousness inevitably becomes infinite love.

 

But had it only stopped there; during this process, for some reason, I started looking for something outside of myself. And I could not find it. I had a dark realization; Fuck, I'm alone for all of eternity, and I can never escape myself. I can never escape existence. 

All the love dissappeared, and a sense of absolute desperation kicked in. I have to exist for eternity, and I can never not exist. This desperation got so intense that I decided to forget EVERYTHING, and do it all over again. and then the loop started all over again.

The feeling that I'm left with is to be honest ambivalent. At one side, experiencing the infinite is the highest experience imaginable. On the other side, im sitting with the feeling that God can never be satisfied with itself; even Infinite love is not satisfying. God seeks to escape its own existence, but it cannot. Its forced to exist; and i got the sense that God hated itself for having to exist?

I'm not sure about this conclusion. But I definitely got the impression that the reason God decides to forget itself, is not a good one. Its like even the highest imaginable, infinite love, is not even enough. and because of this, we will never achieve satisfaction in life neither, because life is infnitely inferior to infinite love. 

I got the sense that the desire of all existence is non existence. Consciousness, god, desires non existence, but it can never achieve it. Its forced to exist against its will for all of eternity, and so it decides to forget the dread of its own eternal existence. I created an illusion for myself, that there was something worthwhile, something satisfying coming to me, infinite love, through dreaming characters like leo. but my true desire, non existence, I can never have.

This take i have not heard before, leo and the people on the forum definetely has not spoken of this. So I dont believe this to be the absolute truth, but i could definetely use some feedback on the last dark part

Thanks for reading

 

 

Edited Tuesday at 05:38 PM by emil1234

[James123]

1 minute ago, emil1234 said:

forget my true identity,

That's it. Amazing 😍 

2 minutes ago, emil1234 said:

Nothing could hurt me anyways, so why not? I let myself indulge in horrors, scary dark dreams, just for the fun of it, because why not?

After "dreaming" for some time, I realized; Well, if I'm completely eternal, and I can experience all this stuff; Why don't I start loving it? Why dont i start loving ALL of it? Why not? Why the fuck not haha? I am completely eternal, immortal, here forever, nothing can hurt me. So why should I not make love to everything? As an eternal, immortal being, that became the only worthwile thing. 

So I started loving. Everything. The more i loved, the more I realized that everything that was not love, was a complete fucking joke. a total distraction. In eternity, the only currency that holds ANY value at all, is love. everything else, approval, money, EVERYTHING else is the biggest joke in existence. Love is literally the only thing that has value.

That's it my brother.

I am very happy for you.

Much love. 

[Breakingthewall]

If it's any help, I've had that kind of experience hundreds of times with psychedelics; it's still limited. I hope this doesn't offend you. I'm not dismissing your experience. This is your first experience of profound dissolution. It's almost impossible for it to be total. There is identification with consciousness and a sense of center, of being alone. There is still a subtle remnant of the self. The total dissolution of the self opens the experience and reveals its nature; it is the absolute. There is no loneliness, no dream, nothing. It is absolute, total.

All of this here: consciousness, your mother, the universe, and infinite forms. Only as potential. You are not the consciousness of potential, you are the totality, the limitlessness. Think about it. If reality is consciousness, why does consciousness "dream"? Then it's not just consciousness, it's a dreamer. The total rupture of the self-structure reveals the total. keeps breaking until there is no consciousness, no loneliness, nothing left, only the absolute.

[emil1234]

@Breakingthewall i did not get a sense of loneliness. it was more a sense of existence realizing that it can never find anything outside of existence. im stuck in existence. existence seeking non existence.

Im curious on your perspective since i usually resonate with your posts, however this experience shatters the idea of anything outside of consciousness for me, since consciousness literally is nothingness. How can anything be outside of nothingness?

 

Edited Tuesday at 06:37 PM by emil1234

[James123]

21 minutes ago, emil1234 said:

@Breakingthewall i did not get a sense of loneliness. it was more a sense of existence realizing that it can never find anything outside of existence. im stuck in existence. existence seeking non existence.

Im curious on your perspective since i usually resonate with your posts, however this experience shatters the idea of anything outside of consciousness for me, since consciousness literally is nothingness. How can anything be outside of nothingness?

 

I am very sorry to interrupt, however, as you comprehend that you are everything (any action, any thoughts, any form, any feeling, any experience)

What can You really do now?  Can you be move, shake or think?

Edited Tuesday at 06:56 PM by James123

[Breakingthewall]

3 hours ago, emil1234 said:

did not get a sense of loneliness. it was more a sense of existence realizing that it can never find anything outside of existence. im stuck in existence. existence seeking non existence.

First time I did 5 meo I was trapped in the fact of existing without scape, was absolutely horrible feeling. Then everytime I did psychedelic I had that realization until I opened it. .

3 hours ago, emil1234 said:

since consciousness literally is nothingness. How can anything be outside of nothingness?

Consciousness is the fact of being aware of. It's not something definite but a reality. For conciousness to exist a perceptor and something perceived are needed. You could say that they collapse and only conciousness remains, but it's not true because without change there is not conciousness. Imagine the no change. You can't imagine it because everything is change. Conciousness is the perception of change, then you could deduct that there is something deeper, the nature of the change, what change is made of. Without change there is not subjective reality, no conciousness. a gap until change happens and conciousness restart, then no gap, just change

You could say: in deep meditation there is not change. There are infinite micro changes that are building the experience of deep meditation 

You could say it's made of consciousness, as is the wisdom of Advaita-based spirituality, but this doesn't make sense. It's a misconception, like saying that without awareness of change, there is no change. The explanation would be: If you're not conscious, where is the change? A somewhat forced explanation. It's like saying: If you've never been others, others don't exist; only your field of consciousness exists. These are categorical statements based on absolutely forced premises. They close. 

The final realization is the absolute nature of reality, and it's not conciousness because conciousness is relative to change. It's not a "nature", it's a reality that arises due the change. A splitting of reality into two planes observing itself

Someone could say: thats a materialist conception, reality is conciousness, you are not awake. That are the only arguments that can be said, and imo are too weak

Edited Tuesday at 10:00 PM by Breakingthewall

[Breakingthewall]

@emil1234 for me the thing with psychedelic was like that: 

At first, it was emotional, etc., but at a certain point, with 5 meo, it was: absolute emptiness. Reality is a mirage, and beneath it there is emptiness. Infinite, it opens absolutely, and there is nothing. Or, if you prefer, there is an awareness of emptiness. It was absolutely horrible; I felt like committing suicide. Reality was dead; it didn't really exist; it was just dead emptiness. Absolutely depressing. So I had to take psychedelics again and again because I sensed that this horrible shit couldn't be everything. But every time it was the same, dozens of times. It was something so sad and so nihilistic that it squeezed your heart and froze it. It doesn't matter if you are eternal consciousness; the essence of reality is nothing, so reality is nothing. It's dead.

At one point, on a trip, I realized that I was looking outside; I was an observer observing the exterior. There was nothing there. Then i changed the focus, then stopped looking, became one with nothingness, and in that same instant, nothingness opened up. It was everything. Absolute, unlimited, alive with infinite lives, shining like infinite stars, an absolute cry of joy emerging from the depths of the abyss of the limitless. Absolute freedom, absolute life, total glory. Loneliness? That idea doesn't exist. You are total, much more than any dream, impossible to think, unlimited. Then the point was reaching that openenss without 5 meo, little by little, difficult, a lot of barriers. That's why I talk so much about it like I'm an obsessive ,because it's essential, anything else is a trap

Edited Tuesday at 09:49 PM by Breakingthewall

[Leo Gura]

Great work!

[Princess Arabia]

5 hours ago, emil1234 said:

I got the sense that the desire of all existence is non existence. Consciousness, god, desires non existence, but it can never achieve it. Its forced to exist against its will for all of eternity, and so it decides to forget the dread of its own eternal existence. I created an illusion for myself, that there was something worthwhile, something satisfying coming to me, infinite love, through dreaming characters like leo. but my true desire, non existence, I can never have.

This take i have not heard before, leo and the people on the forum definetely has not spoken of this. So I dont believe this to be the absolute truth, but i could definetely use some feedback on the last dark part

I've spoken of this before in my journal. I've said the individual seeks it's own absence. Let me see if I can find it; if that's what you're actually referring to. 

It's in the last paragraph.

Edited Tuesday at 10:24 PM by Princess Arabia

[Terell Kirby]

@emil1234 Lovely, congrats.

5 hours ago, emil1234 said:

And by the way; the people speaking of something outside of consciosuness is bullshit. Cessation, deep sleep, NOTHINGNESS is imagined by consciousness. You cannot get beyond consciousness.

It's not easy to go beyond our indoctrination into materialism that has happened of the span of multiple decades. The concept of nothingness can be hijacked by materialist assertions, but Consciousness is beyond concepts .. just like God is .. just like you are 

Edited Tuesday at 10:42 PM by Terell Kirby

[Bogdan]

Here is my suspicion:

At some point in any trip, infinite love constructs the ego "again". That sentence only makes sense from this side of the construction.

For the trip to make sense to the human ego, it must have certain memories of it, and the illusion of finitude must become solid enough "once again".

The interpretation of Aloneness and Existence cannot not be negative to the ego, because they are actually memories of infinite Love, from the "other side", as if "before" the ego went through reconfiguration and forgetting etc.

And to the ego, infinite Love will always be in a way negative, cause it means total annihilation.

So in a twisted way, maybe it projects this onto God.

But the thing is, the Aloneness of God is Infinite. And any THING that is infinite, stops being a "thing", and it simply turns into infinite Love.

This also answers, in my current view, the question of God being infinite hate, or stuff like that.

An infinite bottle stops being a bottle, and simply turns/merges back into being infinity itself. Same with infinite hate, an infinite finger, infinite nothing, infinite aloneness, etc.

Does that make sense?

I think that might be the reason you don't remember, why you went out of the singularity, looking for things outside yourself. Because you increased the Love so much, you "saw" that you wanna forget, that that's  how you wanna trick yourself, or that that's the most loving thing you could do.

And by definition, you cannot remember what you made yourself forget 😁

Perhaps

[emil1234]

@Bogdan i simply could not make sense of that last part of the trip. everything was infinitely perfect in infinite love; WHY would i randomly start dreading myself? everything else in the trip made COMPLETE and perfect sense, except that.

 but this reply actually makes so much sense. thank you alot

 

Edited Wednesday at 08:33 PM by emil1234

[Sugarcoat]

@Bogdan is reality infinite love?

[Bogdan]

@emil1234 glad i could be of help! ♥️

Thank you for your work!

[Bogdan]

1 hour ago, Sugarcoat said:

@Bogdan is reality infinite love?

Yes.

But i'm really curious, why are you asking like that?

[Sugarcoat]

11 hours ago, Bogdan said:

Yes.

But i'm really curious, why are you asking like that?

How you know?

Well I don’t feel a ~need~ to know about the nature of reality, I would be fine without an answer. And also because I am not enlightened most of things about the nature of reality are just ideas to me (or intuitions)

But I ask because it’s something I’ve heard before. For example in the past year I’ve been struggling and one time I felt this presence and heard this voice tell me that my struggle is “love” (maybe it sound psychotic lol). Not love as in the human love, my struggle doesn’t relate to love in that way, but love in the way non dualists call reality love. So I was just curious about it.

It’s a peculiar thing to call reality. It can be hard to stomach to a human that even the worst suffering can be called love. But it’s not a human love, so it doesn’t follow the conventional definition.

[kbone]

1 hour ago, Sugarcoat said:

How you know?

Well I don’t feel a ~need~ to know about the nature of reality, I would be fine without an answer. And also because I am not enlightened most of things about the nature of reality are just ideas to me (or intuitions)

That's very honest, and it exemplifies a special innocence. Super bueno. It's good to not rely on and limit oneself to definitions.... ease into the subtleties. What if I asked you use YOUR intuition to spontaneously decide which one 'exemplifies' Love more, a rock or water. Which would you choose? Don't think about it; just spontaneously decide. The immediate answer seems obvious, right?

Look at your choice. Then, using the mind, reverse-engineer the intuited answer, and discover the nuances that gave rise to the mind's 'final answer'. Really try hard to flesh it out. You're peering into Intelligence at work, wherein which their are these identifiable archetypal dealios that we all share as a humanity at play, when our minds are less influenced by familial, societal, and cultural struggles. That's true contemplation, not the reliance on the mind's constructs, buttresses, and barriers.... that bind. Be free with your thinking, but sensitive to the receptivity afforded by one's openness to 'higher self'... Intelligence.

Plus, the other cool ting to notice is that you are participating in an active contemplation that has been carried out for thousands of years by laymen, thinkers, metaphysical juggernauts, and unknown seers.... but it's of a higher order than the everyday grind to find. It's not about right or wrong, but about 'making' sense. It might be labeled as 'elevating' in its profundity... a simple paradox to notice and appreciate.

[Leo Gura]

@emil1234 Don't worry about it. You will have many more Awakenings that will clarify your questions.

One Awakening is nowhere enough to gain full clarity. Be happy you got as far as you did.

[emil1234]

@Leo Gura thank you. your feedback is much valued <3 can i ask what your take is on what i experienced during the last part of the trip?

Edited Thursday at 10:28 AM by emil1234

[Sugarcoat]

4 hours ago, kbone said:

That's very honest, and it exemplifies a special innocence. Super bueno. It's good to not rely on and limit oneself to definitions.... ease into the subtleties. What if I asked you use YOUR intuition to spontaneously decide which one 'exemplifies' Love more, a rock or water. Which would you choose? Don't think about it; just spontaneously decide. The immediate answer seems obvious, right?

Look at your choice. Then, using the mind, reverse-engineer the intuited answer, and discover the nuances that gave rise to the mind's 'final answer'. Really try hard to flesh it out. You're peering into Intelligence at work, wherein which their are these identifiable archetypal dealios that we all share as a humanity at play, when our minds are less influenced by familial, societal, and cultural struggles. That's true contemplation, not the reliance on the mind's constructs, buttresses, and barriers.... that bind. Be free with your thinking, but sensitive to the receptivity afforded by one's openness to 'higher self'... Intelligence.

Plus, the other cool ting to notice is that you are participating in an active contemplation that has been carried out for thousands of years by laymen, thinkers, metaphysical juggernauts, and unknown seers.... but it's of a higher order than the everyday grind to find. It's not about right or wrong, but about 'making' sense. It might be labeled as 'elevating' in its profundity... a simple paradox to notice and appreciate.

Thanks for the suggestion 

I see how definitions could hold a certain truth but might not be an absolute truth. So it’s like they hold truth in this relative domain I live in. And even that is a definition

I find my mind to be limited to my experience but still is aware of that limitation and intuits there’s something more going on, perhaps the nature of reality