Lost my swagger in a long term relationship

[Lyubov]

And I’m debating if it matters much or not now 

I’m 34, at heart I still feel young and am connected to spirit and the awe of life

but my swagger has very much gone into disrepair because I’ve been in a long term relationship that has been on again / off again. Finally we started working together and we are speaking about getting married because it just makes sense for us and I very much value and love her and we are on a similar path now as well.

Aside from FOMO because I am a man and I think most men still do crave other beautiful women, I am adjusting to what I see as a loss of swagger. I believe I’m not as attractive as I used to be. I’ve been focused on my career, my social media videos, and relationship for years and I haven’t put energy into my appearance or my social skills. I’m a bit out of shape (beer belly) and I don’t choose to create confidence for myself because I believe I don’t have anything to be confident about when it comes to swagger stuff. 
 

I love who I am, I just see myself as sort of lacking that passion or fire a few years ago when I was more horny. My mind and energy has moved onto adult stuff, kids, buying a home, investing, loving my soon to be wife, eating less junk to avoid a heart attack, etc. I do get to travel a lot though which I love. I guess what I’m trying to say is I don’t feel sexy and like I have that passionate drive. I’m starting to feel a little old, like when you see some middle aged normie who is content and doing well and loves his family and his life but also is creating some self doubt over how much fun he is (bored deep down). 

I suppose I believe I want to build my swagger back, stand out more, be a little more cocky and confident for fun like I used to be. I miss this version of me. But I also want to stay authentic and not be a Peter Pan guy who wants to carry a skateboard around trying to fit in with the kids. 

I’m doubting my worth, I know these things shouldn’t define me. At the same time I’m only 34 and I don’t want to start going down hill, I think it’s valid to nurture the passion and child like qualities of life. Can anyone relate? How to stay passionate and keep your swagger? I think really prioritizing fitness will help, losing the belly and feeling better and more athletic will help. 

[aurum]

4 minutes ago, Lyubov said:

How to stay passionate and keep your swagger?

You need goals and a vision that excites you.

Find something that feels meaningful again.

[Deziree]

Sounds like habitual boredom and being stuck in a rut. Revamp yourself. Get some sun. Go hiking, swimming, travel. Discover new places, new people. This will get your blood pumping. 

[Raze]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vl4E81_3YJ8

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oRzdqh4sYPQ

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OwQcXggR0Jg

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eqIMPGgXYZI

[Emerald]

I can certainly relate to what you've written.

I'm in my mid-thirties as well, and there's a lot of things that change goals-wise and identity-wise during this time. This is true for me too despite the fact that I had marriage and family and all that other stuff since my early 20s.

You can just conceptualize of the life-cycle because you're almost right in the middle. And that's very different as things feel much more time-bounded.

And since you're considering embarking upon marriage and family and other more adult concerns for the first time, you probably feel like you're losing the meaningful narratives you were living before that were more geared towards the exploration of an expansive range of possibilities in terms of life paths and sexual paths.

From reading your other post, your main resistance seems to relate to the loss of possibilities and narrowing down. There seems to be some fear around the trade-off of devoting yourself to one trajectory.

And it also seems that the way you're used to conceptualizing of male attractiveness is something very tied to youth and expansion. And you're aging out of that phase of life and going into a more mature and contracted phase of life, where the paths get narrower but deeper and richer.

And you don't yet know of the boons of the unfamiliar depths that can only be realized through maturing and aging. And those boons whisper rather than shout... which will take you some years to feel.

What I would say on the swagger element of things is to explore what's attractive about being a mature stable 30-something man. 

Honestly, a mature stable man between the ages of 30 and 40 is probably considered the most attractive kind of guy. So, it's not like your swagger goes away. It just changes to a more mature form, which women are wired to respond better to anyway.

But if there's a sense of fear of missing out on the ability to have hook--ups with lots of women, you want to actually explore the individual psychology of that... as opposed to just writing it off as male biology.

There is a reason why you feel that way beyond just being turned on by sexual variety. And you should do your best to understand yourself and what emotional and psychological factors that make the loss of sexual variety and variety in general feel like such a hard death to die.

Edited June 11 by Emerald

[Natasha Tori Maru]

I'll preface this with stating I will be 40 next year.

All the above suggestions are great advice.

I am familiar with the process you are moving through. For myself it was a process of accepting the mundane peace of stability. But this may not be the case with everyone. You are entering a new phase of your life - this can be relearning how to orient yourself to different rhythms.

What I did? I absolutely drilled hard into fitness, health and nutrition. 

You are reaching a turning point where the changes and habits you begin now will set the quality of life you are going to experience from here. And by your mid 30s, you will be beginning to feel the effects of age. It may be very slight, but this age is a turning point. This is the phase of life I would recommend you to set some goals in fitness and health. 

It will give you drive and a dopamine hit - this might help with the 'edge' you want to get back. It may also boost testosterone and give you back that raw feeling of power and capability - I'm jealous, as a woman I don't get that feeling as much!

I feel blessed and I am filled with gratitude at my good health at this point in my life.

But I have some serious next levels of discipline that have helped

 

[Sincerity]

Definitely exercise. Push yourself physically.

Edited June 11 by Sincerity

[AION]

That age are your prime years. You need to get on top of your shit in terms of sleep, health, nutrition and work out. Because  it goes downhill very fast if you slack. You should be lucky you are a guy so you still have the best years under your buckle. I would listen to your instincts and spread the seed. 

[Hojo]

The woman stole it from you. Or you gave it to her unconsciously.

[petar8p]

Go to standup comedy clubs and try it yourself; use every single potential interaction in a day to approach and lower the standard of what you talk about. People mostly focus on energy and you need to be able to talk about anything. Buy some courses on communication from Jeffy or Tyler and practice whenever you have a chance too.

 

Use pickup in relationship, imagine you're on a date for the first time and don't have sex until she begs for it. 

Edited Friday at 11:02 AM by petar8p

[Davino]

I'm in another phase of life but that sounds like a 30s crisis.

[BlessedLion]

On 6/10/2025 at 11:12 PM, Emerald said:

And you're aging out of that phase of life and going into a more mature and contracted phase of life, where the paths get narrower but deeper and richer.

I would agree with this. 
 

@Lyubov It sounds like you’re just maturing and stepping into a more stable life path. Learn to love it and change the perspective to going deep rather than spreading wide. It’s a maturity and there can be satisfaction in just rolling out stability, solid habits, deepening your relationship, etc. It’s likely the transition that feels weird bc a part of you is dying, and you’re being nostalgic about the old you

[BlessedLion]

Why do you feel this was all lost due to the relationship? Do you feel like you’ve settled? Does she challenge you to grow? Does she inspire you to pursue life purpose and be better? 
 

Im genuinely curious as I faced something similar earlier this year and decided the only way to get my full fire and “mojo” back was to end things and just be single. 

[Lyubov]

2 hours ago, BlessedLion said:

Why do you feel this was all lost due to the relationship? Do you feel like you’ve settled? Does she challenge you to grow? Does she inspire you to pursue life purpose and be better? 
 

Im genuinely curious as I faced something similar earlier this year and decided the only way to get my full fire and “mojo” back was to end things and just be single. 

I think it’s just a bit of fomo, cause I love beautiful women and am a bit greedy, I would just enjoy the freedom to eo what I want here but of course only on my end, cause I’d not ever cuck myself. It’s not realistic so I don’t ask for it. She pushes me to my max to grow and is very good for me. I’ve actually noticed my swagger comes back some when I put energy into it. I think I’ve kinda let it go to the side myself by just getting lazy. She’s very much in the same path as me and really pushes me to do my life purpose which is unfolding beautifully for me, I’m making huge progress and growth in it. I think keeping the passion is just a bit of a challenge. I am glad I’m committing but I do also panic a bit and have a bit of fomo cause i don’t know how any guy wouldn’t with all the beautiful women out there. I don’t want another girlfriend or to be intimate with anyone else or build a new relationship I just want the thrill of other women and to see myself as free to do what I want 

Edited Sunday at 06:22 PM by Lyubov

[theleelajoker]

My proposal: If you have the chance, take some time off. 

Criteria:

1. You're on your own as much as possible 
2. Out of daily routine and responsibilities as much as possible 
3. Be as much as possible in your body (watch where your attention is during the day)
4. Minimum of intellectual distractions
5. What you are doing is fun for you 

Hike in the mountains, meditation retreat, camping, bike tour, whatever is your thing.

Pretty confident this will help help you to find some answers or at least the first steps (which is all you need)