I cheated on her, she took revenge. Now I want to off myself.

[Ampresus]

I cheated on my girlfriend while on holiday and deeply regret. I called her immediately after and confessed, to which she obviously cried and was very angry. Next couple of days she kept texting me to come back earlier cause she felt lonely and I rescheduled my ticket to come. But then she just blocked me. Everywhere. Since she forgot to log out of her e-mail on my iPad, I could see that she installed Tinder. Before she blocked me on WhatsApp, she shared a story in the middle of the night in some random place talking about an Uber. I even saw she ordered food to this random place in the middle of the night. Ever since I have been completely broken. When I came back and asked her like 3 times about it, she finally confessed to having cheated on me. It took her 2 extra days to confess it was out of revenge. She cheated on me with a guy she spoke for one day on Tinder. He was 10 years older than her. They did molly together and after the trip fucked, at like 4 AM. She said he helped her talk about everything that happened. But I'm not stupid. I know a shoulder to cry on, becomes a dick to ride on. And that was his full intention. She claims she regrets doing it, but it helped her accept what happened and changed her life. She goes out a lot more now, tries to make new friends, loves techno music all of a sudden, wants to go raving (while on drugs) and is even willing to give our relationship a try again. The problem for me is that I feel too much. I love her too much. And I feel like I lost her.

Thinking about her cheating on me makes me angry. Absolutely sick to my stomach. The fact I had to drag it out of her makes me despise her. I regret what I did, but I immediately confessed. I offered her to just break up, but instead she wanted "space" and proceeded to cheat on me in return. I fucking hate her. I talked to many friends I know and they all agreed that whatever I did was wrong, but she stooped down to my level. She made whatever was fixable, infinitely worse. She could have just moved on, broken up and THEN do what she wanted to do with him. But I feel like she likes to keep me around. 

When I told my mom what she did, she was devastated and very pissed at her. We currently all live in my mom's house. What I find funny is that, from all this the only thing that bothers my ex (we're still trying to work on our relationship, so maybe girlfriend?) is that I told my mom what she did. That I told my mom she did drugs and cheated on me in revenge. Not how I feel, not how fucked up it was, not how she could have avoided this if she told me straightaway "I don't want to see you again" and then proceed to live her life. But whatever.

Ever since I have been in constant fight-or-flight. My heart is in my throat 24/7. I keep thinking of harming and offing myself. My loneliness has increased significantly. She was my closest friend, only friend really, for so long. If she leaves, and she leaves on the 1st of July to her new apartment, I don't think I will have many days left. I sought help and am seeing a doctor today, but I'll be a honest a part of me has already given up. As I said, currently we're still trying to make it work. But there's no intimacy besides brief kisses, cause it's too much for her. Despite her saying she loves me and wants this to work, she doesn't feel like my girl anymore. I loved her so much and deeply regret what I did, but after what she did the innocent image I had of her shattered. I could never call her family my family, because they all agreed that whatever she did was justified. It wasn't right they claim, but in the moment it was justified. 

I have never felt this many emotions at the same time. The only thing that brought me a little bit of peace is Mooji. His guided meditations regarding Pure Awareness helped me a little bit, but I'm struggling to concentrate when I'm feeling and thinking all these things. I really wish and am trying to distinguish my identity from these thoughts and feelings. I want to reach enlightenment so this no longer bothers me. But everytime I meditate it comes up every 5 seconds and I can't stay present after the x amount of times it comes up. I'm trying to go out more, finishing the LP course and meditating whenever it comes up, but my life feels like a trainwreck. I have no LP, am switching majors in uni for the second time, found an average waiter job at a sushi restaurant and just train everyday. Now the girl of my life is gone, I feel like there's no point. I feel like I have nothing to live for. Nothing to look out for. I feel like I found love too early. Sex I can get anywhere, but the pure innocent love we had will always be ingrained in me. I will always think of this I feel like and it's torture. Pure torture. I look at porn and can only think of that guy fucking my girl in the way they do in those videos. I go outside and everywhere I went with her in the past reminds me of her. She's staying IN MY CITY. My damn city is now cursed. Even if we break up, I'll probably still run into her. I don't want to see her from a distance having another man. I wouldn't want to see her at all.

Any advice is welcome. I'm having major urges to cut myself and jump off a bridge. I'm thinking of doing one last psychedelic before I decide to continue with those plans, either DMT or 2CB. Just to finally understand what you guys mean with God and Love etc. But anyway, tnx in advance for responding. 

[Reciprocality]

Take a walk together in a new surrounding where you discuss the topic of how well you two fitted together before the sudden unfortunate events, this should contribute to making a decision on what to do next in your relationship that will be less subject to emotional variation over the next few weeks.

You should probably have some distance from each other too, if here is cause for any genuine remorse or guilt then it is far more likely to come forth after some time when the mind is done processing all the sudden changes.

You mind is made to be obsessive about major life changes, Mooji has provided me comfort too because sometimes I need more time to deal with things but don't be fooled into thinking that "enlightenment" will evaporate those problems suddenly, this because enlightenment is a lifelong journey which is bottlenecked by your psychological and emotional constitution.

Edited May 22, 2024 by Reciprocality

[Reciprocality]

@Ampresus I hope you will figure it out and remember that it will get better, let me provide an analogy to what I said above about enlightenment and mooji

your self is like the surface of a liquid in a tub, don't expect it to crystallise into the position you push it, if you have huge problems in your personal life those will be the very reason that your personal self resists enlightenment, trying to reach that enlightened state at that precise moment will be like clicking two positively charged magnets together.

[Ulax]

On the meditation front, Shinzen Young's see hear feel meditation guide could be helpful I think. The technique should help better than your current one atm.

Also, can try: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1W30oR1UDBI&pp=ygUTa2VubmV0aCAgZm9sayBiYXNpYw%3D%3D

 

Edited May 22, 2024 by Ulax

[UnbornTao]

It's fine; let the emotions come and pass. Exercise and do relaxing activities. You can contemplate god and love when you're emotionally grounded and stable; meanwhile, realize that pain is compounded, and may be generated, by our complementary conceptual baggage that is added onto its raw experience.

So hey, enjoy life. Everyone has had similarly painful moments in their lives. It's a matter of letting ourselves go through whatever we need to go through, learn from those experiences, and use them to become a developed, resilient individual. Then, we can look forward to new goals in life.

Basically, give yourself the time to disentangle from the situation; soon, you'll see it with much less drama and more perspective, which is freeing in itself.

Edited May 22, 2024 by UnbornTao

[integral]

Emotional peaks from relationship addiction is identical to Drug addiction, you need time for your emotions to come back to normal and for the withdrawals to wear off.

The life experience you just had is called an eye for an eye. Where you were forced to face your double standards head on. We all have double standards for many things in life but rarely do we actually have to face them.

The relationship is basically over and I wouldn’t try to resuscitate it. it’s better to break up, create distance, avoid contact and allow your nervous system to come back to normal. 

Everything is going to be OK, The love you have for her is a relative temporary thing and your future is going to be filled with many people coming in and out of your life many of them you will love. 
 

The next stage of the healing process is to give it time and to find new women to fill your life with, A new adventure a new experience a new story.

Edited May 22, 2024 by integral

[thierry]

I'm really sorry to hear your story and I can feel your pain. You need to give a shot to time healing you. Try to stay as calm as possible and remind yourself that all you are going through is just an illusion of the mind and it shall pass.

I would also urge you to NOT do psychedelics right now, that is a terrible idea. You need healing and grounding right now. Psychedelics will make things worst and you'll feel even more lost than you are now if you do psychedelics. 

[Basman]

Geez dude. The saying "two wrongs don't make a right" comes to mind. It does sound like the relationship ended for her after you confessed that you cheated but she wanted to get back at you by cheating on you back.

Just move on. Its over. As a previous comment pointed out, the emotions of the relationship will dissipate as you create distance between yourself and your (ex-)girlfriend. Feelings of self-harm should also go away on their own after while as you detach from the source of your distress. Time will heal all wounds.

Maybe a good time to reach out to your boys. Go hiking or something.

[Lyubov]

Dude this is simple even if it doesn't appear that way to you now because you are on the carousel of emotions and despair. But just break up for good, and move on. I know it's hard. Really, I do. I've been exactly where you are now. But just let it. Life is way too short to waste it on creating all this pain. I know the painful emotions in a way are familiar and actually an addiction but just put a little space between you and them and you will see you have the choice to no longer go down this path, and you will feel better and a new chapter will start. It will be alright, accept this all happened and let it all go. All the labels and beliefs about being not good enough are untrue about you. We all make mistakes and other people's actions don't define you. Just breathe, accept it, and let it go. You have some dream you wish to create? Focus on that. Focus on yourself and focus on creating and manifesting your sustainable dream life you desire. It will all be ok. 

Edited May 23, 2024 by Lyubov

[Whitney Edwards]

If someone cheats on you,they don't respect you at all. You should break up with them. 

[Ampresus]

23 hours ago, Reciprocality said:

Take a walk together in a new surrounding where you discuss the topic of how well you two fitted together before the sudden unfortunate events, this should contribute to making a decision on what to do next in your relationship that will be less subject to emotional variation over the next few weeks.

You should probably have some distance from each other too, if here is cause for any genuine remorse or guilt then it is far more likely to come forth after some time when the mind is done processing all the sudden changes.

@Reciprocality Thank you for responding. We already have had several talks, both together and also with my mom, and ultimately decided we still want to try in this relationship. She will be moving out July 1st, so then I can have proper space from here. Because right now, living with her is not easy. It's not easy to not be able to confide in her, take care of her and her of me. It feels like we're just friends with some bad blood between us. I'm a very physical person and the fact she won't allow me to be that with her makes the situation worse. 

 

 

23 hours ago, Reciprocality said:

Mooji has provided me comfort too because sometimes I need more time to deal with things but don't be fooled into thinking that "enlightenment" will evaporate those problems suddenly, this because enlightenment is a lifelong journey which is bottlenecked by your psychological and emotional constitution

@Reciprocality I truly get this. Like I have known about this enlightenment stuff since 2019. I know it takes time, lots of experience and insights, 10 000 hours of yoga/meditation/self-inquiry as Leo would say, but I feel like this situation is pushing me towards confronting reality. I'm getting more insights every other day. On the days I don't feel like harming or offing myself, I get such profound insights and deep meditative experiences. Just to name an example: a couple days ago I wrote in my journal how I am not my thoughts and emotions. Fundamentally, all the evil negative thoughts and emotions I am holding are NOT me. I know this deep down, I just want to learn how to actualize it I suppose. Hence why I try Mooji guided meditations to help me with this.

[Ampresus]

22 hours ago, Ulax said:

Shinzen Young's see hear feel meditation guide could be helpful I think.

@Ulax Do you happen to have a link? I'm having trouble finding a video discussing it online. Thanks for responding, I will try it out. 

[Ampresus]

@UnbornTao Thanks for the encouraging words. I will try what you're saying. I'm really hoping this will wave off of me at some point. I asked an old high school friend about how she dealt with learning that her boyfriend cheated on her, and she said it took her a good half a year to get over him. Mind you, they were together for 2 years. 

 

20 hours ago, integral said:

The relationship is basically over and I wouldn’t try to resuscitate it. it’s better to break up, create distance, avoid contact and allow your nervous system to come back to normal. 

@integral Thanks for the encouragement. I've been hearing this a lot from people the last few days. My guy friends all say that it's basically doomed and if they were in my shoes they would just act distant until she leaves and then move on. But then I talked to the doctor and he said, now that we're equal, we can just try again and see what happens. I'm not sure how to proceed, but I guess once she leaves it will be clearer for me. 

 

 

16 hours ago, thierry said:

I would also urge you to NOT do psychedelics right now, that is a terrible idea. You need healing and grounding right now. Psychedelics will make things worst and you'll feel even more lost than you are now if you do psychedelics. 

@thierry See I would like to believe you. I really do. But the fact that her molly trip made her accept what happened more and be able to still enjoy life makes me think I need it to. It's already difficult dealing with that information about her cheating, but to see her completely unbothered by the whole situation almost makes me feel like it could at least help me too. Then again, she says she still suffers immensely but her brain is shutting off to try to protect her from this trauma. I don't know how true that is. All I know is I cry a lot and am very emotional, meanwhile she doesn't seem that emotional about all of it at all. 

 

 

14 hours ago, Basman said:

Maybe a good time to reach out to your boys. Go hiking or something.

@Basman Thanks for the kind words and you're right, she admitted that in that moment for her the relationship was already over. She just didn't have the balls to tell me, but would rather instead talk about "needing space" only to cheat in revenge. Also, when I say she was my only friend, I really mean it. I don't have boys to reach out to. Nobody who wants to go hiking with me. Hence the feelings of loneliness, self-harm and suicide. Because she somehow got off better than this than me. She actually met new people, made friends, is starting to enjoy her work and all this. And I'm stuck with nobody. Nobody who texts me how I'm doing, asks me to go out for the evening, train with me or whatever. I am trying though. I reached out to old friends, hung out a couple times with them and am going out with one tomorrow. Not saying all hope is lost, but just trying to explain how it all makes me feel. 

[Ampresus]

@Lyubov Thanks for the kind words. You say you experienced the same thing, how did you get over it? How long did it take for you? What did you do to get over it? She will be leaving my house on July 1st, so then I can start to heal properly and maybe move on from her. 

 

[Lyubov]

1 minute ago, Ampresus said:

@Lyubov Thanks for the kind words. You say you experienced the same thing, how did you get over it? How long did it take for you? What did you do to get over it? She will be leaving my house on July 1st, so then I can start to heal properly and maybe move on from her. 

 

I got over it by taking responsibility for the beliefs I hold and the emotions which are coming from them. It isn’t easy. It does take some self reflection. But also life isn’t meant to constantly be thought about and examined. There’s peace and wellbeing if you allow for some space between this suffering you are choosing to create and your connection to your true value / spirit. Look at your life and ground yourself in your true value and worth that your value is never affected by anything. And from there focus on your life, making is sustainable and doing things you love. There is no trick to getting over it and moving on. It’s simple. You stop disturbing yourself by putting thoughts into it and holding onto the false beliefs that are causing the pain. And you move on. Life sort of fills the space naturally like plants growing. I’m sure there will be some hardships between now and July 1st and after but you get to keep your chin up and realize there are new chapters and light at the end of the tunnel, you will look back and not be bothered by everything, see it just as a chapter that had invaluable lessons about life in them.

[Ulax]

1 hour ago, Ampresus said:

@Ulax Do you happen to have a link? I'm having trouble finding a video discussing it online. Thanks for responding, I will try it out. 

@Ampresus https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=StBTuX0tqU8&t=44s&pp=ygUTc2hpbnplbiB5b3VuZyBub3Rpbg%3D%3D (video)

https://www.shinzen.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/08/SeeHearFeelIntroduction_ver1.8.pdf (pdf guide)

[Atb210201]

You my man need to talk to God in your alone time about all of your problems

I'm serious try doing it

Ask for help from God

And trust in him that he hears you and knows everything about everyone and be patient

You will get better I promise

Edited June 3, 2024 by Atb210201

[tlowedajuicemayne]

Okay bro, we gotta get real here. Somebody has got to level with you here because there's a lot to unpack. 

First, I know I'm late on this. i realize this post is kind of old. I'm going to tell you what I'm going to tell you anyways. 

Second, You're entitled to how you feel about this. I hope you've overcome this thing and haven't offed yourself. I hope you're more humble and mature for this.

Third, I hope you've taken time to reflect on the fact that YOU are not the victim here, she is. That's where my real message to you begins- 

My man, you broke her trust first. You didn't care about how she felt while you were chatting up another women, courting her, and having sex with her. In fact it seems to me that the only person you considered in this whole post is yourself. I think this is the main issue. You're selfish. 

You called her after you cheated on her because YOU felt bad about it. The way you put it, its like you expected her to help you feel better about what you did. You then acted as if what you did was no big deal and that she should've just taken it on the chin. Imagine if she called you out of the blue when she was on holiday and told you she cheated on you, how would you feel? Wouldn't you want revenge?

'A shoulder to cry on is a dick to ride on'--->This is so immature to say and is straight out of the red pill ideology. This probably plays into why you thought it was okay to cheat on her in the first place as the red pill ideology says that its okay for men to cheat or 'exercise options' while women are supposed to just take it and be loyal. The red pill ideology is not the real world bro, throw that whole worldview out. Its toxic, selfish and dangerous for anyone you're in a relationship with. 

When I told my mom what she did, she was devastated and very pissed at her.- Dude what? This is pure lack of accountability. Remember, YOU CHEATED FIRST. YOU ARE NOT THE VICTIM, SHE IS. Did you tell your mom that you cheated on her first? You told your mom that she did drugs and cheated on you? Bro...this is pure lack of accountability and childishness. That's all ima say on that.

You don't deserve to be cheated on man but you have got to grow up. This whole post is an indication that you're not doing spiritual work, that you don't have life principles in place, and that you have GOT to start taking accountability and responsibility for yourself and your actions. 

As I stated before, you don't deserve to be cheated on, nobody does man. I hope you've resolved this in yourself. But dude, you SHOULD be trying to win your girl back if you made a mistake like that. You SHOULD have to go through a period where you feel uncertain about your relationship. How do you think she felt? You SHOULD have to show her that you're capable of being trusted and it should be a long painful process. It seems like you only care that she didn't feel any pain from this because of ecstasy. You should be glad that she isn't in pain over this man, you should be the only one carrying a burden here. Why would you cheat on someone and then want them to feel the pain of it all with you too? Personally if i fucked up that hard I would be glad that my partner isn't in pain and that I have a chance to fix it. Yeah, its gross that she cheated on you back and thats gonna be hard to overcome but man...how do you think she feels? You also cheated. 

Anyways, alot of work needs to be done here in the accountability and responsibility department. I have no idea why noone has pointed this out to you yet. If you still feel suicidal and in pain over this, its because you're looking at this as though you're the victim and you're only thinking about yourself. You're minimizing your actions and the effect that they would have on another person. Look at the situation honestly, you cheated, you violated her trust and then she got revenge. That's what happened. 

One more thing, I don't know why you felt the need to say that she met a guy on tindr and had sex after a day of talking to him. Did you literally do the exact same thing but the other way around??? Didn't you meet a stranger, court her, and then sleep with her in a matter of a day or so?

cmon dude. Accountability. Take it. Responsibility. Take it. 

Start living your life according to principles that you set and let go of the red pill BS. 

 

[Princess Arabia]

8 hours ago, tlowedajuicemayne said:

Okay bro, we gotta get real here. Somebody has got to level with you here because there's a lot to unpack. 

First, I know I'm late on this. i realize this post is kind of old. I'm going to tell you what I'm going to tell you anyways. 

Second, You're entitled to how you feel about this. I hope you've overcome this thing and haven't offed yourself. I hope you're more humble and mature for this.

Third, I hope you've taken time to reflect on the fact that YOU are not the victim here, she is. That's where my real message to you begins- 

My man, you broke her trust first. You didn't care about how she felt while you were chatting up another women, courting her, and having sex with her. In fact it seems to me that the only person you considered in this whole post is yourself. I think this is the main issue. You're selfish. 

You called her after you cheated on her because YOU felt bad about it. The way you put it, its like you expected her to help you feel better about what you did. You then acted as if what you did was no big deal and that she should've just taken it on the chin. Imagine if she called you out of the blue when she was on holiday and told you she cheated on you, how would you feel? Wouldn't you want revenge?

'A shoulder to cry on is a dick to ride on'--->This is so immature to say and is straight out of the red pill ideology. This probably plays into why you thought it was okay to cheat on her in the first place as the red pill ideology says that its okay for men to cheat or 'exercise options' while women are supposed to just take it and be loyal. The red pill ideology is not the real world bro, throw that whole worldview out. Its toxic, selfish and dangerous for anyone you're in a relationship with. 

When I told my mom what she did, she was devastated and very pissed at her.- Dude what? This is pure lack of accountability. Remember, YOU CHEATED FIRST. YOU ARE NOT THE VICTIM, SHE IS. Did you tell your mom that you cheated on her first? You told your mom that she did drugs and cheated on you? Bro...this is pure lack of accountability and childishness. That's all ima say on that.

You don't deserve to be cheated on man but you have got to grow up. This whole post is an indication that you're not doing spiritual work, that you don't have life principles in place, and that you have GOT to start taking accountability and responsibility for yourself and your actions. 

As I stated before, you don't deserve to be cheated on, nobody does man. I hope you've resolved this in yourself. But dude, you SHOULD be trying to win your girl back if you made a mistake like that. You SHOULD have to go through a period where you feel uncertain about your relationship. How do you think she felt? You SHOULD have to show her that you're capable of being trusted and it should be a long painful process. It seems like you only care that she didn't feel any pain from this because of ecstasy. You should be glad that she isn't in pain over this man, you should be the only one carrying a burden here. Why would you cheat on someone and then want them to feel the pain of it all with you too? Personally if i fucked up that hard I would be glad that my partner isn't in pain and that I have a chance to fix it. Yeah, its gross that she cheated on you back and thats gonna be hard to overcome but man...how do you think she feels? You also cheated. 

Anyways, alot of work needs to be done here in the accountability and responsibility department. I have no idea why noone has pointed this out to you yet. If you still feel suicidal and in pain over this, its because you're looking at this as though you're the victim and you're only thinking about yourself. You're minimizing your actions and the effect that they would have on another person. Look at the situation honestly, you cheated, you violated her trust and then she got revenge. That's what happened. 

One more thing, I don't know why you felt the need to say that she met a guy on tindr and had sex after a day of talking to him. Did you literally do the exact same thing but the other way around??? Didn't you meet a stranger, court her, and then sleep with her in a matter of a day or so?

cmon dude. Accountability. Take it. Responsibility. Take it. 

Start living your life according to principles that you set and let go of the red pill BS. 

 

Wow, you laid it on didn't you. I remember reading this post back then, but said nothing because I had nothing nice to say either and I felt he would have seen it as a woman's point of view and wasn't worth anything. It's a shame that's how i feel when it comes to the dating section that my opinion doesn't count as a female sometimes. Guys don't realize that's it's women they're trying to date so who else would you listen to. All the great dating coaches out there listens to what women have to say, it's the pill ideology that doesn't.

Anyway, kudos to you for that tough love; hope he understands you're just trying to help him not make the same mistake again, as that's what I read from your message.

[Paradoxed]

OP cheated and then wants to throw himself a pity party. It's pretty difficult to have sympathy. She only did exactly what he did first.

All could be forgiven if it was a conscious relationship, but OP doesn't seem very mature.

1 hour ago, Princess Arabia said:

Wow, you laid it on didn't you. I remember reading this post back then, but said nothing because I had nothing nice to say either and I felt he would have seen it as a woman's point of view and wasn't worth anything. It's a shame that's how i feel when it comes to the dating section that my opinion doesn't count as a female sometimes. Guys don't realize that's it's women they're trying to date so who else would you listen to. All the great dating coaches out there listens to what women have to say, it's the pill ideology that doesn't.

Anyway, kudos to you for that tough love; hope he understands you're just trying to help him not make the same mistake again, as that's what I read from your message.

Your opinion is worth everything. It's funny, OP doesn't really try to even see the perspective of the girl he "loves". This a sort of false low consciousness surface level "love". If he really loved her, would he have cheated with some random girl? And even if he did that, then realized he made a mistake, true love would be realizing that him and his actions may not be best for her, and trying to understand her reaction. Even to the point of understanding and accepting her going out and "cheating" on him. Instead, he runs to his Mom to besmirch her reputation and wallows in self pity.