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You cannot but there are certain realizations during awakening. I have had No Self,Infinity, Consciousness, emptinees/Nothingness, .Aloness/Oneness. That last one was the Absolute Solipsism one..there wasnt a realization I was God i just was God. All were best described as full body kundalini awakenings. All meditation. Never touched psychedelics..Very much like Ralston. But Leo's enlightenment videos triggered the awakenings for me. They were all filled wifh Divinity and what i can describe as Infinite bliss - too much for any finite form. All these descriptions fall short..But nothing that said it was love. But it was ineffable for sure. And it did have me in tears. If that ain't love I don't know what is.

i dont know why you're so obsessed with this pre/post physical death; investigate what is the case in your current experience. if you investigate throughly, you will realize what is physical (the body that changes, decays and dies), and that which is non physical and does not die (Nothingness, Consciousness, Love)

Consciousness imagines a brain, a body, and a world. When someone hits your skull with a hammer, consciousness is imagining that. It is also imagining every consequence of the brain being hit by a hammer. So if you end up 'unconscious' or in a coma, notice that first of all you haven't fully died yet, but rather, you eventually wake up and realize what happened (i.e. consciousness imagines that the event of getting hit by a hammer happened, it imagines the passage of time during the period of 'unconsciousness,' etc.). Similar to what happens when you wake up from deep sleep. You never went anywhere, you just stopped imagining a brain, body, and world for X amount of time. There is a massive difference between being in a coma or being temporarily unconscious and what happens after your body actually undergoes physical death. A coma is just 'pausing the game,' physical death is quitting the game altogether and becoming your true self, what consciousness was before imagining your current brain body and world. In fact, if you awaken enough, you will realize that actually consciousness was never inside a world or in a brain. After all, a world and brain exist in space, which only exists when imagined by consciousness. The state you were in pre birth and the state you are in now are in fact made of the exact same substance (Nothingness). The only difference while alive is what this Nothingness is constructing (Being 'alive' just means this nothingness is constructing your current configuration of reality. Death is when this nothingness is not limited to constructing this experience right now, and you become unlimited by definition). If you want a more in-depth argument of how brain damage works with consciousness in an idealist framework, take a look at Bernardo Kastrup's answer to this problem.

Curious man: "hmm..if reality is imagination then whatever i imagine is real! So then, what does it really matter if reality is made of atoms or made of nothing?" Wise man: "if reality was made of material..then you couldn't awaken from it! But if it is just a dream, made of nothing..then you could wake up from it!" Curious man: "cool! Then how do I awaken? And am I this nothingness?" Wise man: "I'm afraid it's classified..if I told you I'd have to kill you 😀 "

The Many Facets Of Awakening - List of Top 30 Enlightenment Insights What is samadhi? This is the realisation of the non-dual state What is the illusion of self? This is the story of who we claim to be, founded on nothing. What is I am? This is the atman, the potentially infinite nature of consciousness that unifies all individuals. Omnipresence This is the realisation of non-localisation of consciousness, the true self that is boundless and infinite. What is consciousness? This is the realisation of the light that pervades being, that illuminates the world. What is awakening? This is the realisation that everything is light, it is all made of light and you are the light. This is the moment when you see that the haze of the self drops away. That everyone is running on a programme and they are a machine. Oneness This is the indivisible nature of existence, that that one is infinitely expanding and unbounded by conceptual divisions. And you are that fragment of the whole. There is no difference between anything. What is truth? What is the absolute? This is again, the idea of oneness, it is the infinite nature of existence. Absolute infinitity This is the ever expanding idea of consciousness as the creator of reality. Realisation of absolute nothingness Nothing is everything. Why is there something rather than nothing? What is God? The actual encounter of God and what this word means. This also means becoming conscious of the notion of the Godhead You become conscious you are God Self equals other This is the unity of all people are aspects of the one. You are all alone, this is consequence of oneness What is love? Absolute and infinite love

I have a different view. The door is always wide open, but it's guarded by the ego, and you simply have to slip through quietly. Yes, I generally agree! The relaxation referred to the point where one has already perceived the barriers and realized that you do not want them. But I would say that once you see through the ego, it's easy, almost too easy. Because every time you perceive inner conflict or resistance you pretty much immediately know, "Ah, that's the ego trying to maintain the separation," and you know you don't want that, so you simply open yourself up again or as I said before, relax/surrender. God IS perfect unity, which is pure Love. I can sense the presence/silence of God right now. Isn't what you call absolute emptiness simply the ego's perception of God's perfect silence? I've been in the 'black and white dead landscape'. I've faced the worst-case scenario where I felt completely abandoned by God for years and during this time I was sure that all my spiritual experiences/insights etc. were just naive delusions and that I had fooled myself. I stood in the mechanical, bottomless abyss where everything seems like a dead illusion. But at some point, I realized that dead void isn't the ultimate reality, but merely the ego's interpretation of perfect silence/God. In other words, nihilism is the ego's final interpretation of its own annihilation. And when you ultimately have to surrender to the void, you realize that emptiness isn't dead, but merley a perfect stillness that the mind perceives as nothingness. So when I speak of God, I don't mean a mental safety net or a theological concept that allows me to escape the abyss. I'm talking about what remains after being thrown into the abyss without any safety nets and realizing that emptiness is/was the last veil of the individual self. Surrender to God what happens after realizing that nihilism, too, is just another fearful thought. And I don't believe it's our choice whether we completely surrender to emptiness, because if we could choose, we would always choose against it. You're pushed into a corner until you have no other choice but to surrender. I believe everyone who has a body is closed to some degree. Some are more transparent, others very dense. The work you talk about is the only thing truly worth doing here anyways, and I do it gladly and with joy. Because I know that the Self remains beyond the body and its barriers, and that is what I truly am.

Spiritual Autolysis Journal Entry #78 ~ Tues May 5 '26 ~ 9:13 AM What is true? Pure Awareness is true. And that's it. Everything outside of it is false. Of course things can be relatively true, like the thoughts going on in my head, those are relative truths, what are my desires, etc. they are true in a sense, but Absolute Truth is that pure awareness is all that there is. Which means pure awareness if everywhere. It is in the ground. It is on Saturn. It is on my head, it is out there in the air, everywhere because it is Truth with a capital T. Anything outside of it is false. What does this insight do for me and my life? Nothing really, I just know that life is a game now and it doesn't really matter what I do. So I should do whatever I want. And I shouldn't care what others think about me. Because there is no me to uphold, no self image to speak of. So live your life the way you want to. I gotta say, that is liberating stuff and truly paradigm shifting. People love me in a relatively sense, they love the character of Ben and there's nothing wrong with that. But.. there is no actually character named ben. That is what's fake and fictional. Just like there is no jane (my mom) everyone that I know is not real, meaning they are made up and fake. I mean they're real like they are still an entity or an organism or a human being in a relative sense, for sure but at its core, the universe is made up of Nothingness which equates to Pure Awareness which goes on forever and ever. Where am I going with all of this? What is it going to do to me? You know what I don't care. I want the truth even if it kills me. And I think it has to. I will have to give up all attachments, all person histories, etc. What I don't understand is I am starting to get this and how it works, but I'm not enlightened. When does the enlightenment kick in. What do I have to do? I just drove down something that is true so where do I go from here, where is the enlightenment? Where is the no self. I want a reward for all of this work! I don't know I mean I think you're missing the experience of it, you are getting a glimpse of what it would be like to live in a non dual realm, but that doesn't mean that you've even stepped foot in it. Okay, well then how do I step foot into this realm? You don't want to is the thing. Fuck you, yes I do, tell me what I should do to take the first step into nonduality. Dualities are required in the world so that we can make distinctions. It is necessary in order to communicate and survive as a human being. But in reality, these dualities are made up of the same thing, which is pure awareness or nothingness, that is what they are at their core. You need to start understanding the difference between relative and Absolute Truth. I have been researching non duality as of late because I realize that understanding it is what it takes to become Enlightend and enter the no dual realm. Basically, we have created dualities between things, like black and white, up and down, left and right, 1 and 2, etc. in order to make distinctions and therefore survive as a culture or as a society. For example, lets actually take this to a purely survival level, I need to understand the difference between a lion and a house cat. If I did not, then this would be terribly bad for my survival mechanism. Therefore, if I am going to survive within this human form, I need distinctions, I need to understand relative truths. This is an important aspect of life, and this cannot be overstated. Be don't transcend dualities, but we understand that there is a higher level, I higher stakes game, in which there are no dualities, black and white are made up of the same thing, up and down is the same thing, love and hate is the same thing, etc.... Now begs the question, how the fuck do I get there? Unsure at the moment, thats what I'm missing, but the awareness that I have now is a good start. Given this new knowledge, how are you going to change your behaviors moving forward. Firstly, I am going to start pointing out the dualities within the world when I see them. Lets just start with awareness of them. (I am good at socializing and not making things awkward. My mom is terrible in social situations. Its as if she is ALWAYS uncomfortable to be in them, there is never a desire for her to connect to the person across from her.. unless she knows them very well. I don't understand this very well because I am a reserved and shy person, but also very socially calibrated and ADORE people, I LOVE making connections.) (Is this because of her upbringing or is this just how shes always been wired? Unsure. I guess it doesn't really matter.) This video represents me pursuing enlightenment. IT IS going to cost me EVERYTHING. Everything that I know and hold dear to my heart has to be cassed away in favor of a completely new paradigm or view of reality. And I want it, I want it more than sex, I want it more than money, I want it more than a house, I want it more than six pack abs, I want it more than becoming a world champion dancer. I just have to find out the TRUTH. Where is this journey taking me? And at what cost to the people that I love. I ahve experienced SO MUCH love from everybody that is within my circle. Do I really need to let the m go? I dont want to. Also, how long is this going to take? I feel like it is going to take as long as it needs to. You are on the perfect journey for yourself. I am starting to realize that I won't want the stressful and hectic job of running a studio. At least not long term. I am eventually going to get burnt out and need to hit the reset button. I can't wait to have a house with a pool. I can have a dog that I go on walks with, lots of them. I can have a girl for a small section of time that I enjoy intimacy with. But I want truth. Why does it have to be a small portion of time with a girl and not forever? Because NO ONE is going to go down the path that I'm going down. NOBODY is going to understand. Therefore, I can't keep a woman around forever. I have always been a free spirit, a head in the clouds type, and this is what I want. But is this label of being a "free spirit" is this really just a facade, is this imaginary? Or is that TRULY part of my personality? What do you think? I mean we all have personalities, right? So mine can be a certain way just like everyone elses is different. The difference I would like to point out is that you acting like a free spirit to fulfill an egoic image or is that your objective view of Bens personality? Which one is it? Why does no body want to talk about death? Why are we so afraid of it? Because it's unknown. And we fear truth. That is what I fear the most. But it's also what I want the most. That's the paradox of it. So what's it gonna be then God? Are you going to let me have it or allow my fear to win this war? It's really up to you man, I've got no stake in this fight, believe me. What are you talking about? You were just saying that you'd jump into the water and stab a whale in devdevotion to the pursuit of truth. How long is this going to take? Can I become enlightened in 3 years? 7 months? 2 years? 5? The question is how long do you want the journey to last? That's the only question you need to ask yourself. Oh.... Okay, that was easy. I think my mom is a little bitch to be honest. Why can't she act like she owns the place in her own home? She's afraid to die. Doesn't want to deal with that. That's a huge paradigm shift that you need to go through if you are going to enter Human Adulthood as Jed Mckenna describes it. I know for an absolute FACT that I cannot settle down with a girl until I become Enlightened. And honestly I don't even know if I want somebody else in my life to begin with. Honesty and that's not me being scared. When I ready spriritual warfare, jed is wandering around aimlessly without a care in the world, that's what I want to experience. That peacefulness. That playfulness. Will I get this if I have family with kids and a wife? No, no fuckin shot. Once I am enlightened though, maybe just maybe I'll want to come back and settle down. I know I don't really want to write books. But I do love to dance. I love it so much. However long I last here it is just a blessing that I've been able to experience it. I can feel it in the air. What am I to do now? Should I continue to watch nonduality videos? I know that this road only has one ending, but I actually have a lot of time to pursue what I want. Were you expecting it to be easy? Were you expecting heart surgery to be a cake walk, without much effort you could allow your body to recover? No! Of course not! I am doing so well right now because I already put the time in. What do I do when I have a sexual desire? Should I always bottle it up? Or should I let it out? I truthfully don't enjoy sexual pursuits of women. But at the same time, I absolutely adore their beauty and energy. You can enjoy her energy without actually pursuing her romantically, you are aware of that are you not? All you want is to authentically express while around women. That is essentially it. And your job is pushing you to do exactly that . And as a matter of fact, you have to express with her, not without her. Good job on that.

1. Lao Tzu: The Generative Void For Lao Tzu, "nothing" (Wu) and "everything" (the Ten Thousand Things) are conjoined through mutual birth. He argues that they are not just related, but that "nothingness" is the very thing that makes "everything" useful and possible. The Utility of the Empty: Lao Tzu famously pointed out that while we make a wheel with thirty spokes, it is the hole in the middle that makes it useful. Similarly, we shape clay into a vessel, but it is the emptiness inside that holds the water. A "Pregnant" Nothingness: In Taoism, the "Void" is not a sterile absence but a "primordial generative nothingness". It is the womb of existence, where "Being and non-being give birth to each other". 2. Parmenides: The Impossibility of "Nothing" Parmenides took a more radical, logical stance. He argued that nothing and everything are so inseparable that "nothing" cannot even exist—there is only the "One". Thought requires an Object: He believed that you cannot think of "nothing" because to think of it is to make it "something" in your mind. Therefore, "what-is-not" is literally unthinkable and unspeakable. The Seamless Whole: Because "nothing" (the void) cannot exist, there is no space to separate "everything." Therefore, reality must be a single, continuous, eternal, and unchanging block of Being. For Parmenides, the appearance of separate things is just a "deceitful show" of the senses.

On this forum we’re all familiar with solipsism. But the question is, why does mainstream philosophy completely ignore it? As it turns out, there’s one philosopher who argued for a form of solipsism—admittedly not the full thing, but close enough. Caspar Hare, in his book On Myself, and Other Less Important Subjects, argues for egocentric presentism. This is the idea that my experiences are different from others’ because they are present. Others’ experiences are simply absent. He doesn’t claim that others don’t have an experience, but he does claim their experience is not present. This means that my pain is present, whereas someone else’s pain is absent. So, my pain is more important than other people’s. Caspar actually qualifies this claim by saying the quality of being present is just one ethical consideration, and isn’t decisive. I think he’s trying to avoid sounding crazy to academics, which he would if he said “my pain matters and other people’s pain doesn’t matter at all.” Hare’s solipsism is an incomplete version, but it’s close to something profound. You can read his book if you’re interested. It’s pretty technical, but it has interesting thought experiments. Of course, don’t read it if you’re a soft-brained spiritual person—that’s why I posted this on the intellectual forum. Here’s a passage that is quite interesting: 4.4 The Intelligibility of the Notion of Monadic Presence What is it for a thing to be present? Not present to me or present to you, just present? To understand egocentric presentism, you will need to have a grip on this notion of monadic presence. In an effort to give you a grip, I asked you to try out some Cartesian introspection: Wipe your epistemic slate clean. Forget where you are, forget who you are, forget that you are anybody at all. Now attend to the world. You will fi nd that there are certain things. Take their appearing at this stage of introspection to be a feature of the things, not a feature of how they appear to you. They are present. This may seem like a very strenuous mental exercise. You may be tempted to infer that the notion of presence is like plutonium. It is the sort of thing that can be brought into existence only by many hours of painstaking labor inside a philosophical labora- tory. Outside of philosophical laboratories it is nowhere to be found. But again, I think this is not right. I think it is at least pos- sible to have a pre- theoretical grip on the notion of monadic presence. Consider my childhood. When I was a child I was pos- sessed by all kinds of quasi- solipsistic fantasies, convinced that the people around me were all aliens or actors or robots or secret agents or whatever. So far so normal. As I grew up so I grew out of this phase. I stopped jumping around doors to catch the aliens off guard and generally became more mellow. But one quasi- solipsistic thought survived into my adolescence. It would arise most distinctively when I thought about death. What would my death be like? I would imagine a vicious internal cramp as my heart gives out, panic and fear as my muscles become limp and, as the blood stagnates in my head and my brain starves of oxygen, what? My school vicar said light. Homer, in a much more impres- sive way, said darkness:50Clarifi cations Achilles smote him with his sword and killed him. He struck him in the belly near the navel, so that all his bowels came gushing out on to the ground, and the darkness of death came over him as he lay gasping.6 The sword reeked with his blood, while dark death and the strong hand of fate gripped him and closed his eyes. Idomeneus speared Erymas in the mouth; the bronze point of the spear went clean through it beneath the brain, crashing in among the white bones and smashing them up. His teeth were all of them knocked out and the blood came gushing in a stream from both his eyes; it also came gurgling up from his mouth and nostrils, and the darkness of death enfolded him round about.7 But even then I understood that neither was right. After my death there would be a kind of nothingness, a kind of absence that was difficult to describe or imagine. The closest I could come to pick- ing it out with words was by appeal to precedent—things would be the way they were before I was born. But now I was struck by a thought. Isn’t it amazing and weird that for millions of years, generation after generation of sentient creatures came into being and died, came into being and died, and all the while there was this absence, and then one creature, CJH, unexceptional in all physical and psychological respects, came into being, and POW! Suddenly there were present things! Was I thinking about presence and absence in a relational sense? Clearly not, for there is nothing at all amazing or weird about the fact that for millions of years sentient creatures existed without things being present to CJH, and then CJH was born and sud- denly things were present to CJH. To the extent that I found it amazing and weird that CJH’s birth brought an end to millions of years of absence, I must have been thinking about presence and absence in the monadic sense. So the notion of monadic presence is at least sufficiently in- tuitive for a thirteen- year- old with no exposure to philosophy to grasp it and find it perplexing (putting aside, for the moment, the question of whether the thirteen- year- old should have found it perplexing.)

The Enlightened Self - A Description Of Your Existential Nature This is about cultivating a conceptual framework to move forward The one that thinks it lives inside the skull, the humunculous. What is the true self? Pure transparent empty awareness Presence is another term Another term is spirit. Spirit in the old languages means breathe, air or wind. You are the container of all of existence, it's like an unboundaried container. It has no shape form or physical location. You are not the things being seen, you are the empty expanse. It has no shape, it has not location, it has no contours, Nothing ever experienced is not a thing, except consciousness, which is no thing, infinitely. A mistake of pursuing nothingness is the pursuit of the location of nothingness. Dead Ends Stop looking for you as an object. Stop trying to see or feel yourself. Stop trying to locate yourself. Open yourself to the possibility that you are not a human being. You are not an object Final truths Nothing is hidden

Spiritual Autolysis Journal Entry #76 Sat May 2 '26 This journal is going to turn into something completely different. My job is to go Further. And further and further and further. I will not edit what I am saying. I am going to just continue to write until I found out the Truth or reality. My father's energy is so neurotic and gripping, his energy is suffocating, it feels as if I am being choked out by his presence. He is so far in his mind and he gets no peace. The more he is in my life, the harder it is going to become to become Enlightened. This man has been a thorn in my side for a very long time to be honest with you. I cannot blame him for my lack of Awakening but he surely has not helped. I just got out of heart surgery and he wants to visit me tomorrow and Monday and Tuesday and Wednesday. I don't want him to visit me on any of those days, I truly don't. All I want to do is go home and read books and rest. I don't want to see him AT ALL. He has got to be the most neurotic and in his own head ( which means completely disconnected from his Heart) person I have ever met. And of course he is my father. Lucky me... I feel bad feeling like this, I really do. I wish I could grab him out of his manic and scatterbrained head and bring him into a higher consciousness state but there's nothing I can do, he is too far gone. His presence right in this moment is already annoying me, he won't sit down, he's pacing around the room, and doing this thing where he nods to himself, imagining a conversation in his own head. I guess this is a good example of how my life could have turned out if I never shifted my awareness from the mind into the Heart. Now I have to deal with him for another 4 days, I am going to do my best to just be in my own zone while he's here, reading my own books and things of that nature. I'll probably eat a meal with him and then head to the porch to read and journal. I can't wait for this 8 week period in which I get to be without work and I can just work on my contemplations. I will not let one person ruin my vibe. The truth is that I don't need him anymore. Well that's not entirely true... I do sometimes need him for money. That is a whole different can of worms, why can I not get a handle on my finances? This stresses me out greatly. I will have to deal with this if I am going to live a happy and successful life. Anyways, let's get to Truth work, what is True? It is true that I am experiencing things in this moment. And who is I? I am me. I am this body. This awareness. Are you awareness or the body, which one is it? I am awareness. So you are not the body? No, I am just awareness, pure awareness. And what exactly does that mean? That means that I have the capacity and the capability to experience things in this life. Does that mean that you will stop having this capacity once you die? You did just say "in this life.." no, I believe that this awareness will continue because if I am aware is the Truth of the universe, the one and only Truth, then I may be that forever and ever. But how do you know that? Why can't you be aware in this life while you are alive and then it just ends when the body decays? (My dad is like a leech, when I open the door slightly, he barges in and sprawls his entire body onto the floor, filling up the entire room so that there is no room to breathe.) Yeah, I guess my awareness could end once I die. I mean why can't that be the case? But then what's left once you die then? Is it just Nothingness and if so then what is Nothingness? Or is it just an empty void? Is it Heaven? And how could I possibly know what is going to happen once I die? Cuz Im not dead! What does it mean to die? When I die my body will decay, it is going to be sent into the ground. My spirit will leave my body. My heart will stop working. My brain will not think any longer. But what does that even mean? A spirit leaving the body? What even is spirit? And is the brain connected to truth? How about the heart? What does that got to do with Truth? (My dad is also incredibly controlling. Don't control me ever. No one likes to be controlled. I need to stay away from this toxic person's energy as best as I can. What a controlling and manipulative and selfish person. My mom always leaves the room when my dad is present and it's probably because she can't stand his energy.) Honestly, I don't know. Death is a concept that baffles me. How is it possible to know about something that isn't here yet? I don't know, that's a good point. How could I possibly know about death? All I've experienced is being alive... All I remember is being alive, therefore that is what I'm in touch with. Well let's dive into that a bit further... You are basing that off of a memory that you have in your head. Is there anything real about a memory? Well, it did happen to this human body, I went through pre school and then kindergarten and then 1st grade, so these memories must be valid, right? I wouldn't be so sure. If you are pure awareness, does a memory have anything to do with pure awareness? No and as a matter of fact, a memory takes you out of pure awareness and into your own mind, in which you are no longer experiencing Truth. The problem is that I have a self image of myself, I have a personal history, I have a family and friends and a job. Are we confirming that this is all a complete fabrication and has NOTHING to do either Truth? If pure awareness is all that there is, that is the Truth, then yes, that is what we're saying. You don't exist at all, it is all a fabrication made up in your head, completely made up and imaginary. Hold on a minute though... What are you talking about, why is everyone in on it then, I have loved ones all around me that care deeply about me, they know me as Ben, the dance instructor, the sweet guy. And they have identities as well, my boss is named Yvette, my best friend Paul, my mother Jane.. are we saying that they are not real either. Yes, that is exactly what we are saying.. Hold on a minute, I still don't understand this, I am looking at a picture right next to me of me and my family, that man right there that I am looking at is Ben, how can you deny that? He is Ben, I just know it. He grew up in a small town in East Hampton, CT, parents are divorced, good at sports, has a heart condition and an overprotective father. But that's not truth.... Huh? Not Truth with a capital T. And like I get it, I get what your saying, if pure awareness is all that there is within reality, then that means everything else must be bullshit, right? But how do you know that these things aren't true? Also if I buy into this Truth thing, then what am I going to do about my aspirations to be a world champion dancer? There would be no one to even receive the reward because I am imaginary. This is really boggling my mind.. Let's take this back to the fact that Pure Awareness is all that there is... How can I be so sure about that? Because other things seem true, like coca cola stock is 77$ that is just a fact, the earth is a sphere, 1+1 =2, etc. and also, how is EVERYONE deluded? Every single person on this Earth thinks they are someone, yet they are in fact NO ONE. How does that make any sense? Why are we all so blind? And if this really is true, what kind of psychopath created this world? Why does it even exist at all? Why not just have nothing? Everywhere I look is people with their egos. But how can I blame them? As soon as they popped out of the womb, they were given an identity, why would they think anything else? Why would they even question what's true? And what kind of twisted world is this? Feeling our youth lies and on top of that, we're not even aware of the lies that we are speaking, and how could we be? This takes intense contemplation and intense hand holding and guidance to come out of this dream we have put ourselves in. I am still struggling to truly grasp this though, it's like it does make sense, it really truly does, but that means I'd have to admit that myself along with everyone else is lying to themselves and has been their entire lives. But of course, we are lying to ourselves, each and every one of us. We are all in on this cosmic joke of a material world. And how has so few people woken up this fact? Also, how am I going to truly get out of this mess that I've put myself in. 10 years of spirituality work and I am finally starting to understand just what it takes to get there, just what it takes, not actually getting there. I understand now that I am no one, that everyone including me has concocted a personal story with a self image and an ego that has a personality and is good and bad at things. Everyone has an identity. And this is false. Completely false. It's a complete lie. See I can say that, but I still don't experience it, I still think I'm me, I still think I'm Ben. How do I EXPERIENCE this Truth? That I don't know. And this means that The Truth for all of my friends and co workers is the same thing, that of pure Awareness, their self image and self concept is not real yet they think that it's real. But these are real entities, right? Like I'm thinking about my co worker right now, I know him by Christian, whenever I think about him I am filled with joy, I want nothing but success for him. And he is not me nor am I him. However, the Truth is that his self image or self concept completely fabricated. The only thing that's real is what he experiences.

This is a beautiful post. I have learned that boredom is about experiencing nothingness. Nothingness is the fertile soil from which our imagination can go wild, from which great creative ideas are emerged.

All Of Religion Explained In One Video There is an absolute truth, and it is accessible to human beings. But the rational mind will not gain access. The true self is nothing, which is everything. This is enlightenment. What is existence is he next stage of enlightenment, highlighting the infinite nature of love and structure. Another enlightenment that can be had is the infinite notion that we are all no thing, this is the infinite regress of the atman, as the strange loop which is looking at and pointing to itself. The nothingness idea, or the void is the origin of existence and the origin of the notions of self and the stories which ae idenitified with The core structure of a religion is to fortify the illusion. The identification of the self as real has a parallel to the system of religion, one becomes idenitified with the narrative, this is the observation of the mechanism of the illusion. Religious stories and myths are part of that idea that we are the narrative, but these are approximations of the revelation, it is recognising that the divine order is opening itself up to the experiencer who has seen through the illusion. All religions are based on the idea of no self, this is something like the parting of the way for Moses, which opens up the doors of perception. Seeing religions as having a unified goal of observation to the divine is the way they all operate in the same way. Historically, seeing through the illusion of the self was diifcult, rare and difficult to communicate, this is why story telling became central to the persistance of the religion. Much of the extra writing about the religions are distractions that are emboldening the narrative of the self as a means of influencing culture. What is god? Absolute nothingness Heaven and hell? These are psychological perceptions at least. Heaven is becoming absolute nothingness. Leo is selling an illusion with being untouchable. Good and evil are relative and metaphorical, evil is distilling the ego. Good is breaking through the illusion and seeing that you are everything. Salvation is realising the truth.

I don’t know if anyone else has noticed this, but I notice that when I get sick my consciousness paradoxically increases. I’m talking about a common cold by the way, not serious sickness. This is interesting because you would expect consciousness to go down, but what I find is that you get closer to the “bare existence” experience when you’re sick. Since you can’t do the things you normally would do, it’s like a small reset button for your life, and you get a chance to really reflect. Also, you get closer to a samadhi “nothingness” experience (which I suspect is what death is like). Bernardo Kastrup actually argues for something similar to this point. He says that mystical experiences were more common in the past because it was harder to survive, so it was more common to have sickness or injury as a part of normal life. Just like how psychedelics correspond to low brain activity, mystical experiences could correspond to low brain activity as a result of sickness or, in the extreme, near death experiences. I’m not sure Kastrup is completely correct about people in the past having more mystical experiences, but he’s definitely onto something. Have you noticed the same trend of more sickness, more consciousness? If not, try tracking when you get sick over the next year and find out what the trend is. I’m interested to hear your opinions!

Deep sleep and death are the same nothingness. Awakening or waking up from the nothingness means you never actually die or sleep, because you are able to always awaken from the nothingness. You can know you are awake. But you cannot know you are asleep or dead. You can only awaken from death and sleep in awake conscious state, upon awakening. You can only be aware of being aware. As Awareness you can’t disappear in sleep or death, if you could you wouldn’t be able to wake up from sleep or death. You wake up because awareness can’t die or sleep or disappear. Awareness is always here and never not here. Awareness can never know its not here, it can only know its here. And here it is, it’s you.

Some insights from contemplating: There is a spectrum for all the possible sets of mental disorders and illness. Mental Disorders is a blanket terminology that generalizes any particular kind, combinations and rate of all the different kinds of mental stability. By definition, a mental disorder, characteristic traits, or a mental illness can be caused by basically two factors: genetics, and a very underdeveloped psychology/ ego development. It can be triggered by trauma as a way of coping with the parts of yourself that were fragmented as a defense mechanism. There are very different kinds of ways an ego can fracture especially during critical stages and phases of a person's development, like infancy -toddler-child-teen-adult. If you look into the development and state of consciousness of someone with borderline personality disorder, they experience a strong fear and reaction to any form of abandonment, they have a fragile sense of self, a. Lack of self reflection and they experience emotions as whole realities. There is no sense of object permanence. Study the psychology of various mental illness from experts in the field like Dr ramani durvasula PhD, lise labanc, especially in the context of relationships. Also someone with narcissism, BPD don't have a solid sense of self which if you get a hit on it, is quite sad. Because they don't experience a stable sense of self like you possibly do, it's not nothingness like the void of enlightenment, it's a nothing where there should have been a a stable healthy ego that gets solidified during the critical points throughout a babies life, but for some reason it got stuck before a healthy secure ego can form.

7 Handshakes with 5-MeO-DMT June 3rd 2025 - June 12th 2025 Table of Contents: 5-MEO-DMT Failed Attempts 5-MeO-DMT Trip 0001 5-MeO-DMT Trip 0002 5-MeO-DMT Trip 0003 5-MeO-DMT Trip 0004 5-MeO-DMT Trip 0005 5-MeO-DMT Trip 0006 5-MeO-DMT Trip 0007 5-MEO-DMT Failed Attempts: 5-MEO-DMT Attempt 1 0001 - Dose is way Too Low My Scoop is the small end of the yellow double scoop. (Pictured: The microscoops) Date: August 4th 2023 2:31 plugged half scoop at 6mm mark. Felt nothing of note. 3:10 plugged 1 scoop at 5mm mark and stood up immediately. Felt nothing of note 3:37 pm snorted half a scoop 7 minutes in: Feeling tingling in my nasal cavity as I sit here with my head upside down for the first 10 minutes. I felt the burning in the back of my throat as I felt the substance leaking back there lol 5-MeO-DMT Trip 0001 Date: June 3rd 2025 Context: In Ireland with my fellow Actualized.org enjoyer friend. We have no Microscoops or anything of that sort. Just a pair of eyeballs. So we just put a couple grains in an oil burner pipe, and used a normal lighter, and off to the races we go. It's pretty ironic that the most powerful substances are the hardest to measure. In the future, I will invest in an e-mesh setup, and use microscoops. Right now in the current scenario I find myself in, this is not accessible. As expected, shortly after taking a hit for the pipe, within a minute you are fully skyrocketed into the state of consciousness of the dose you just took. This psychedelic experience is not beginner material. The set and setting was indoors sitting on the floor wrapped in blankets, sitting cross-legged. I have my trip sitter directly sitting in front of me where we hold hands and maintain eye contact and have verbal affirmations of love of God to aid in grounding. HIT 1 The come up was gnarly. I just had a few grains, but overall it was very well handled. Due to my already established experience with other psychedelics, I was able to “hold on” and not reject the experience. However, how deep it went with just a couple grains was completely unexpected, but I hung in there nonetheless. I'm glad I just did a few grains! I had vibrations in my hands and I made a comment around the emphasis of how stable I was 5 minutes later. I had a little bit of tactile enhancement, feeling in my hands, increased body awareness. I tried to take a look at my hands to see if there's anything extremely noticeable in these different states of consciousness, but nothing that I could penetrate right there, the dose is too low for anything obvious to be revealed to me. ((( For Context... Personally, the attitude that I take with psychedelics now is that things will reveal themselves with a proper high enough dose and with the proper focusing of your consciousness. For example, when I became conscious for the first time that I have no head when I was on mushrooms, it was just obvious, I was focusing on "what is actuality", and I realized that there was no physical head present. Or when I was on another trip of mushrooms and how everything around me was revealed to be made out of nothing. Nothing IS going on. This became completely obvious. The room felt holographic. Or another time when I was tripping on 6.5 grams of mushrooms, and the fact that I was the only experiencer in reality became completely obvious. With all of this in mind, I am assuming that what is to be revealed to me on 5-MeO-DMT will just become obvious and apparent. In my experience, the best insights come from just having a good contemplation practice sober, and then letting that sober contemplation inform your direct experience in these Peak States Of Consciousness when you're on a psychedelic, paying attention to the truth of direct experience. I have yet to use LSD-like substances and just practice long bouts of contemplation on a continual basis. I’ve done this with LSD Trip 002 and LSD Trip 004, and it was powerful. At this moment of my life, my contemplation muscle is relatively weak to where I need it to be. So I don't try to force any insights, they just come when they do. I just go through the motions of contemplation and pay attention to the actuality of direct experience, and see what comes up. Now with these initial doses, I'm pretty much just trying to get used to doing the substance. With experience, I will be able to integrate much more contemplative thought or intentions into my trips but I think just getting myself to that higher state of consciousness is above all, the most important. The studies and contemplations that I've done sober will ultimately feed into those heightened states. I noticed after just reading through parts of the book “God is Nothingness”, nothingness was immediately more understandable and accessible. So likewise, I gotta study more into the Nature of Consciousness. I've gotta crack Leo’s book list wide open and read the crap out of it! End of Context...))) It was an intense come up like a ton of bricks. Like a Tsunami that hits you before you understand what's going on. The most important thing that will ground you through this experience is focusing on love. This is my experience so far. I would rate this an overall come up intensity 7 out of 10. This psychedelic will immediately demand your seriousness. It slapped away any hint of jokiness or tomfoolery attitude out of my consciousness. This was the real deal, this is serious work. I understand now why shamans are so serious with the song and dance that they do. Although I believe it largely to be unnecessary to have all the rituals, I understand why it is done with the utmost seriousness. The song and dance is just a medium through to practice an attitude of seriousness and devotion to set the tone for the psychedelic. At the end of the day, it's how your state of consciousness IS, going INTO the 5-MeO-DMT trip, and your level of readiness. I can understand now, how you have to want God deeply with your entire heart; coming from a place of intense yearning and wanting to know God like a man whose head is on fire wants a pool of water. This level of desire for God will be the bridge to let go of yourself and to endure your fear, to really lean into the experience to cross over into a proper ego death, and breakthrough. HIT 2 I took a second hit about an hour later, it was much easier, more stable, most likely also because I was playing a song that I deeply connected with emotionally and I think that becomes an anchor throughout the experience. HIT 3 20 minutes later I hit the pipe a third time, and it was really easy, very stable, and I'm starting to get increasingly comfortable with the unique state of consciousness. And now I have noticed a really bad taste in my mouth from the substance probably being burnt a little bit. HIT 4 23 minutes later I hit the pipe for a fourth time, it was a slightly bigger dose, but it was handled seamlessly. It was very stable and I just had silence this time, I was very relaxed and calibrated. I can see how you can lose yourself completely, you're just gone, and you just completely dissolve. I've realized doing NSDR before a 5meo hit could help significantly because it relaxes the nervous system End of Report. 5-MeO-DMT Trip 0002 Date: June 4th 2025 Dose: Unknown. 1-5mg Smoked. Hit 1: Biggest hit so far. Had to swat away the mind like flies. Thoughts about backing out have no good use here at all. That trip was tough. I was zoned in for a solid 9-10 minutes. You need to weep to receive God. You need to want God from a place of deep sadness. Sadness is divine. There is something powerful in Sadness. God's eternal love is patient. Love = Surrender Love = Death Death = God = Selflessness I have a slightly heightened access to accessing the beauty of God in direct experience, and the love that comes from a state of selflessness. When you shut off your own thoughts that come from self-interest, you become much more understanding of others' need for love and you become a vessel of love. You lean into someone's jokes the more you love them. You can feel the polarity of positive and negative in your words and in your tone of voice. What is God's love? Hit 2: about 50 minutes later: Felt half as strong Hit 3: 5-7 minutes later Not much to write home about, still not as strong I experienced a lot of brain fatigue later. I can definitely see the value of plugging 5-MeO-DMT. To get that prolonged experience in that peak state of consciousness, to really soak in what is obvious in that state of consciousness. 5-MeO-DMT Trip 0003 Date: June 8th 2025 Just in the preparation of 5-MeO-DMT, I am noticing all of the ways I am a devil with my judgement. I have to cultivate an environment of love to create a proper set and setting for these trips. This session I took several hits, starting with a very tiny bit, and then just taking hits subsequently, until probably about four to six hits in total. With some inhales more successful than others. Nothing experienced here knocked my socks off, like in the last session. But I had a positive encounter with an easy light caress into the 5-MeO-DMT space. The ego prevents you from being serious. That's its job to distract you from this work. Selflessness = Intelligence Death, ego death gets recontextualized into dissolving into love. I look forward to the exhaustion of dying to God. The previous days I've noticed significant more stress being held in my body with acne forming on my face, neck and my shoulders especially on my back. I also had all the stress and fear get channeled into my hip flexors which artificially tightened them significantly to the point of inability to rotate my right leg outward. So my body was experiencing LOADS of fear. After today's session my hip mobility was significantly restored because my body was finally able to relax. Today was another session of experience to get comfortable with 5MEO. 5-MeO-DMT Trip 0004 Date: June 9th 2025 Contemplations from earlier… All your problems in relationships dissolve when you own other people as part of Self. Because it IS you. There are no others. The realization of no others helps you own other people as part of your complete identity. Smoked freebase. During/After the trip… The mind ceasing is not death. Fear is part of what you are. And you must own it. Say a prayer of love with your mind as you inhale the pipe. Contemplate WHAT death is. Death appears to be the dissolution of the mind. And the mind is what the Ego appears to be. What you identify with is the ego-mind. So when the mind dissolves, you think you're dying. But that's just the ego-mind dissolving. Smoke the full intended amount on the first go. That is leaning into the intention. And into the fear. If you're taking 5-MeO-DMT, it appears that the best is to front your desired dose right away. Rather than smoking a little bit, then going for a bigger hit right after. For me just one hit is enough. I'd feel too fried otherwise. Last trip I was fried from taking more than one dose. End of Report. 5-MeO-DMT Trip 0005 Date: June 10th 2025 Time: 5:36pm 1 hit. Very manageable Tears roll down my eyes as I enjoy connecting with the Death of my dog. I imagine the connection felt with my mom holding the hand of someone in hospice dying. Holding eye contact. The sadness of the death of someone you love appears to be an anchor while you get eviscerated on 5-MeO-DMT. Focus on the death of someone you know of when you die on a psychedelic yourself. End of Report. 5-MeO-DMT Trip 0006 Date: June 11th 2025 Smoked. Good Solid Dose. I see that one must pass the threshold and lose your mind into bliss. My courage and trust in you God will lead me through all fear. I recognized that my trip sitter was not serious as I needed them to be, so he was very distracting. He got cocky with it. I'd rather of had tripped alone. End of Report. 5-MeO-DMT Trip 0007 Date: June 12th 2025 Smoked. Easy dose. I need to have a much better dosing method for sure. End of Report. Next time I use 5-MeO-DMT, I want a much more controlled dose and measured dose. I also have thoughts around upping the dose significantly to create a sure-fire breakthrough. I think dosing too low poses its own risk, dosing high enough where your ego gets laser-blasted to smithereens appears to be useful here. Where the psychedelic just throws you off the cliff...

Nothing, no thing, not a thing. You are nothing. As nothing: nothing can say "my nothing" Nothing is not contained within the body-mind complex. You cannot draw a boundary around it and say, “This nothing belongs to me” “and the other person’s nothing starts where mine ends.” Nothing is undivided and universal. It does not belong to any one individual. It is the same nothing that appears to illuminate all minds and bodies, yet remains itself untouched and unowned. I fail to understand how nothingness can feel frightening when even nothing is something, just as nowhere is still somewhere in this mental conception. Nothing is just another word for YOU, or, Infinity, or, Pure awareness without an object. Seriously, there is not two infinities, or three, or four. There’s simply one, and that’s all you are. It’s so unbelievably pure and innocent. No mind will ever be able to fully comprehend nothingness because the minds job is to construct, to make something out of nothing, and can only identify with what it comprehends, never with what it cannot comprehend. Illusions have nothing else to relate to, but themselves.

Spiritual Autolysis Journal Entry #74 Thu April 16 - 11:03 AM Continued... Higher self: To let go is to dissolve into Nothingness, to embrace Nothingness precisely because it is Truth. And you are a Truth seeker, correct? Lower self: Yes, I am a Truth seeker. I want to uncover the Truth of reality and the Universe, more than anything. But at the same time, do I really? Do I really want the truth or do I just say that I want the Truth? There is a big difference between the two. Higher self: Do you ever avoid hearing the Truth in your life? Lower self: Oh yeah all the time. Higher self: Okay, give me a few examples. Lower self: I liked this girl but I didn't want to tell her I liked her because I was afraid that she wouldn't like me back. In this way, I was afraid of the truth in which she doesn't feel the same feelings towards me. If I keep it inside, I won't have to deal with the Truth and therefore the disappointment, I thought to myself. Higher self: Okay, good, is there anywhere else in your life in which you are avoiding or have avoided the truth? Lower self: But how do I even know what's true? In both a relative sense and an absolute sense. Higher self: Let's start with relative.. why do you say that your name is Ben? Lower self: Because that is the name that's on my birth certificate, that is what my parents and family and friends and co workers and students call me. That is the name I would write down on a check and it is the name on my driver's license. Higher self: Okay, would you agree that this is a relative truth? And do you see how it is NOT an absolute truth? Lower self: It is a relative truth simply because we as human beings have agreed that this is true. Same thing with the fact that the planet orbits the sun, a bunch of scientists came together and agreed upon it. Is this actually true without a doubt, I don't know... But we here on Earth all agreed upon it and now we hold it as true. But what makes this a relative truth and not an absolute truth? Higher self: An Absolute Truth is something that cannot be refuted. Someone can refute the statement the earth is a sphere. What is a sphere anyways? And maybe the earth is a cylinder or a square.. who's to say... And you sure as heck don't know that for certain, have you seen this planet from outer space... I'll answer that for you .. no you have not. Lower self: Okay, sure but you're making it seem like there is no such thing as an Absolute Truth. Why can't that be a possibility?

Disillusionment is real. Warning: Wall of text incoming https://www.actualized.org/forum/topic/103717-who-loves-post-modernism-new-video/?page=5 I thought it would be relevant to re-post something I shared some years ago on the topic " What I do know is that when I grasped the true nature of Meaning, Value and Purpose, I fell into a Dark Night of the Soul of pure relativism for a good 2-3 years in my early 20s before trascending it This relativism stuff is no joke. It can seriously destabilize your mind, your life and your identity. I have a lot of empathy for why people have a knee-jerk reaction against it. What if your life is a house of cards that can crumble with a little shaking of your fundations?" "When I first realized the true nature of meaning, value, and purpose, it felt as if the very foundation of my reality had collapsed. Meditation already had begun this process, but your video on understanding these concepts burst my bubble in an aggressive and blunt way. Something which was definitely not the right time for or something that I was looking for at that moment, but I already was aware that curiosity kills the cat when I went down that rabbithole. It was as if knocking over the first domino led to the rapid, uncontrollable, unstoppable collapse of my entire conceptual framework of reality. Once I realized that certain things were mere social, cultural, linguistic or human constructs, it didn’t take long for me to question EVERYTHING ELSE in my life or that I was capable of thinking of, leaving me with a profound sense of absolute groundlessness, and a freedom SO VAST that it was ABSOLUTELY TERRYFING. One of the most insidious aspects of this relativism was how my ego hijacked it for self-serving purposes. When nothing holds inherent meaning, the ego can rationalize any behavior, no matter how destructive or self-defeating. I found myself trapped in this mindset, using relativism to justify my fears, addictions, and self-destructive habits. Even though I knew, on some level, that judgments, rejection, and failure "shouldn't matter," I remained paralyzed by these fears. The ego thrived on the infinite double standards relativism allowed, twisting logic to maintain its grip. I would rationalize that personal development was pointless, meaningless, and biased, making no sense to pursue. Growing up, I was deeply absorbed in video games. 10+ years of WoW. 5 years of LoL , besides of dozens of other videogames. The stories, quests, currencies, characters, competition, victories, defeats within those games were incredibly real to me, not just pixels on a screen. They provided real sense of progress, purpose and achievement. Realizing that these experiences were mere constructions was painful. It shattered the illusion I had built around them and took away a lot of enjoyment and escapism. Some realizations like that my parents gave me my name, and that it could have been anything else, as of today seems so obvious and a surface level insight, but it's actually not obvious. I bet more than 3/4 of the human population is not aware of that and truly belives their name is real and belongs to them. I realized that things don't have names, that we create them with arbitrary sounds and symbols and concepts, and that different things are called different ways in different languages, and we just use this system for comunication. It's not truth. I realized that morality, ethics, manners , good or bad are relative, that the law is groundless and relative ( and why it exists ) , that possessions aren't real but social and mental constructs, that countries don't exist, money is a construct, that time is subjective and age doesn't really exist. These realizations only worsened my sense of confusion and disorientation at the time. I was 21 years old and had just started living on my own for the first time, fresh out of school. The world of meanings that had defined my life—exams, grades and worrying about what my classmates thought of me—crumbled away. Academia and the sense of safety it provided revealed themselves to be nothing more than a game and an illusion. The importance I had placed on these things disintegrated, leaving me feeling utterly groundless and foolish, like I had wasted all that time. As this process unfolded, I came to a realization that no matter what happens, everything is "absolutely okay." This insight led me to stop inhibiting my impulses, which inevitably pulled me toward distractions, addictions, and comfort. Days turned into weeks, and weeks into months as time flew by, and I found myself increasingly detached from any sense of purpose or direction. I stopped judging and moralizing my actions, instead choosing to simply observe whatever I was doing and go with it. This approach dissolved much of the internal resistance I once felt and allowed me to sink deeper into the present moment, for better or worse, which ended up just leading me to seek out comfort and pleasure while avoiding discomfort and pain. For weeks, I would lie in bed, utterly unmotivated and aimless. The female attention and aprooval I once craved stopped being meaningful. I convinced myself that day and night didn’t truly exist, so there was no reason to wake up at any specific time. I saw no point in maintaining basic hygiene or even wearing clothes the "right" way. I would go to the supermarket unshowered, wearing dirty clothes, messy hair and shirts backwards and inside out , rationalizing that there was no right or wrong way to dress. When I had a part time job at a restaurant, I remember letting some customers walk away without paying because in my mind it didn't matter. My sense of self-importance crumbled as well. I realized I was no more significant than a fly or a cockroach, and this realization left me feeling profoundly insignificant and purposeless. Even ending my own life literally didn't make sense, something I never considered seriously. This extreme relativism led me to a state of profound laziness but also access to unconditional happiness. I found that I could lie in bed for months, feeling ecstatic, almost like what I imagine being high on heroin is like, without needing to do anything to achieve this happiness. This was an absolute ambition killer. The sense of meaninglessness was so deeply embedded in my mind that any attempt to take action felt like a distraction, causing emotional resistance. It was as if taking any step away from doing nothing would shatter the fragile peace I had found in this state of inaction. I didn't know who or what I was anymore. I realized that identity, what you yourself identify as, is absolutely groundless and are just meaningless or self-constructed labels. The one thing that didn't crumble was my sexuality. I considered that if absolute relativity is true then everyone is in actuality pansexuaI. But in practice I was just not attracted to men. Period. I didn't need identify as a man , adult or human for the validity truthfulness of my feelings of attraction and preference to whatever I perceived as an attractive female. This shift also marked a clear and sharp transition from analytical thinking to a primarily intuitive approach to life. Intuition gradually became my core mode of operation, guiding my decisions and shaping my reality. I began to connect with and respect my emotions in a way I hadn’t before. Emotions became central to my experience, driving my choices and dictating how I engaged with the world. At that time, this intuitive, emotion-driven way of living was deeply ingrained in me, and emotions, feelings, and intuition were the only ground I could rely on. The descent into relativism also isolated me from others, as I saw them as characters in a game - NPCs, unaware of the constructed nature of their realities. It was a lonely existence, like living in a "Truman Show" where everyone else was oblivious to the truth. Every person I encountered was locked into their own paradigm of understanding the world, unconscious of the constructed nature of their reality. No one would understand me. I couldn't relate to anyone and actually people would judge me and reject me for thinking or talking in these ways. People said I was depressed, when actually I felt more sane than them but confused. This descent into nihilism and relativism eventually pushed me toward "mysticism". As I understood the nature of meaning, language, and concepts, I also deeply understood I didn’t know what anything was anymore; I faced deep not-knowing. I intuitively began practicing "neti neti" meditation and "actuality meditation," which led to temporary heightened states of consciousness and experiences of non-symbolic awareness. These practices helped me trascend the conceptual limits of the mind and connect with a reality beyond words, thoughts and even perception, leading to things like seeing the ox' tail with what I think is a samaddhi experience ( this entire " perception bubble" is made out of the" same stuff" , even "me", the observer, is made out of the same " stuff ") , the insight that thoughts literally APPEAR INTO EXISTENCE from pure nothingness in the most direct way possible, and later some accidental astral projection. I also realized that non-duallity is so non dual it entails duallity, which just mindf*cked me again, and that I was engaging in spiritual bypasing. Eventually, though the pass of time, the school of hard knocks, awareness , trial and error and tremendous amounts of confusion and needless suffering, , I began to see that while all things might be meaningless, there is a universal law of cause and effect. Both cause and effect are meaningless in themselves, but they have real consequences nevertheless, and I personally have real preferences toward certain consequences over others. To deny that would be self-deception. It's obvious but it did not make sense for so long. For instance, I would rather be free than in jail. This is a child-mind level insight I had to re-learn. I realized that being bummed out by meaninglesness is a mental fallacy. Meaninglesness is meaninglessness, not negative. These realizations helped me begin to rebuild my life by recognizing that life itself operates with a deeper intelligence that transcends these constructs, with inherent logic and rules that we discover through trial and error and direct experience. I realized that relativism doesn’t hold up in the practical world; it’s only a limitation of the mind, logic, conceptual frameworks, and language. Being locked in this experience and perspective of being · an alive human being · comes with specific biases and preferences. Something obvious but aparently, not so obvious. This going full cirlcle understanding allowed me to see the limits of Relativism and Nihilism : They overlook nature's nature." - - - I'm 28 right now and that experience still affects my day to day every single day.

Spiritual Autolysis Journal Entry #73 Tue April 14 - 10:35 AM Lower self: Higher self, who am I? Higher self: You are God, you are the eternal being that is an infinite shape shifter, you are beyond time and space, you are eternal, you have no name, you have no self, you are Nothingness. Lower self: But I can't experience this. Higher self: Why not? Lower self: Because I am Ben. I am a human being that experiences emotions and thought patterns and I love to dance and I have a family and friends. I certainly don't fee like God or an eternal being that is beyond time and space. How do you rectify that? Higher self: Those things are true in a relative sense, you are in a human body, this is correct, your name is Ben, this is correct, you have a family that raised you and loves you, this is also correct, you have friends that care about you, you have their contact information in your phone, you can text them whenever you want. But these are what we call relative truths, what we're focusing on are Absolute Truths. The Absolute Truth is that you are God. You are an eternal being. You are the One and Only Creator. And when I say You, I am talking about EVERYONE and EVERYTHING. We are ALL One and the Same. And in that sense Ben is God but when we talk like this, it's not Ben anymore, we're in a realm that is beyond labels. This is the non-dual realm. Lower self: But how do I experience this? I believe you, trust me I really do. I can see that you are full of so much wisdom and what you're saying does make sense. But I feel like I'm down here on the ground and you are flying up their near Saturn. How do we bridge the gap? You need to come down to my level so that we can have a real conversation. Higher self: I will attempt to come down to your level. What do you want from me, my son? Lower self: I want the experience that you're talking about, I want to experience this non-dual realm, this realm of Nothingness. Without the experience, I have nothing to grasp. Higher self: Ahhhh.... But that is precisely the problem my dear, there is NOTHING to grasp. Let go of your wanting to grasp and hold onto things. Let go. Let it all go and you will find what you're looking for. Lower self: Okay... Understood... But how do I let go?

Wow this is cool "One possible way of envisioning the human passage is the following. We think of ourselves as originally emerging from the unknown, from darkness, nothingness or non-existence into the light of consciousness. But as consciousness develops we discover the increasing ability to see in the dark, see into the nothingness or mystery within ourselves and eventually realize that this darkness and nothingness is the divine from which we emerged and with which we are one. Thus we discover that our original darkness IS true light. Midway in this passage, divine light (darkness or unknowing) and the light of consciousness are in balance, with neither outshining the other. But as we move beyond this mid-point, divine light begins to outshine the light of consciousness until, in the end, the light of consciousness goes out and only divine light remains. From this vantage point we look back on the passage and see that although consciousness was the veil that dimmed the light, this dimming was necessary in order to make the human dimension possible. But if consciousness makes human existence possible, it is also not separate from the divine, nor does it completely hide it; on the contrary, consciousness or self is man’s faculty or medium for experiencing the divine — so long as it remains, that is [this is key]. Our passage through consciousness is the gradual return to the divine; we leave the divine unknowingly and in darkness, but we return knowingly and in light"

Yes. Even nowhere is still somewhere. Zero-Energy Universe Hypothesis: This theory proposes that the total amount of energy in the universe is zero, with positive matter energy exactly canceled by negative gravitational potential energy, suggesting that from nothing, everything (or "nothingness") can emerge.

I'm a beginner psychonaut, and despite not having tripped that many times, I've had the privilege of being able to access some absurd states of consciousness. I'm going to go over my two deepest trips so far, what I've derived from them, and some of my problems with this path and Actualized.org. In my previous trips on mushrooms, I got glimpses of god, oneness, timelessness, and the screen of consciousness, but they were never the full picture. When I took 4g of mushrooms soaked in lemon juice (lemon juice doubles the potency for me) I expected the trip to be significantly shortened, but it stayed just as long, maybe even longer than normal (like 8 hours) The onset was rapid, in full effect in 20 minutes. I get heavy body load on mushrooms, so I was pretty uncomfortable at this point. The visuals kicked in soon, and a beautiful mosaic rested behind my eyes. I had been reflecting on one of Leo's claims which is that psychedelics raise your level of consciousness. I'm still not sure if that is true, but I started to get the sense that my consciousness was elevated. Feelings of oneness emerged around this point, and I became aware of the screen of consciousness. I got up to walk around, and found extreme difficulty doing so. My physical perceptions were very distorted. If I turned my arm right, it felt as though it would twist into a pretzel. If I walked straight, it felt like i was walking diagonally. After this my bodily perceptions expanded. My physical body seemed to take up more space. My presence seemed to fill the whole basement. I felt very plant like. I felt like a lovecraftian monster. Most accurately I felt like the plant from Little Shop of Horrors, but larger. At this point there was no sense of being human. I still saw a human body, but all ideas of human-ness were gone. And what was left was a disturbing sense of nothingness. I also had an insight into infinity, but I think it was a sort of one dimensional look at it. I haven't quiet fully integrated this trip, even three months later, nor do I really think I can integrate it. My most intense trip was last night, which I finally broke through on DMT, and entered the "hyperspace" Before with DMT I had two issues. One was the intense body load it gave me, and the other was how irritating the smoke is on my lungs. I attempted to resolve this issue by getting a THC buzz before hand, and it solved both issues. I then weighed out 25mg, loaded it in my pipe, heated it, and six inhales later, I felt the body load (although not uncomfortable this time) and was getting slight behind the eye visuals (similar to ones I get on mushrooms) Then it struck me. The visuals became higher "resolution" and merged into my reality, and taking me out of it. I felt myself traveling through different spaces and in my mind was thinking "this can't be happening" I would be in a room, and then the visuals would change rapidly and I would be in a different room. Although I wasn't really in these rooms, I was the rooms. I didn't enter another reality, I became it. The shifting of rooms became more intense, and increasingly fluid, and mischievous. It was chaos, and destruction. I had the feeling that this aspect of consciousness wanted to destroy just as much as it wanted to create. It was the most surreal and euphoric experience I have ever had, yet the most terrifying. I snapped myself out of the hyperspace early. I could have stayed another minute or two, but it was too much. 30 seconds of being another dimension is enough. After exiting, I paced around my room. The only words I could think was "Holy shit. Holy shit. What the fuck." The weird thing about these experiences is not because of what they tell you, or what theories you come up with because of them, It's seeing the shapes the screen of consciousness can take, and how suspiciously easy it can take those shapes... Before when I saw Leo use "CONSCIOUSNESS" in all capitals, I thought he was being dramatic. But seeing the shapes that consciousness can take, this seems entirely appropriate. I also understand why "hyperspace" is the name of this place. It doesn't feel like a place, but one that connects all existing possible spaces. I'm incredible grateful that God keeps himself hidden from him. If God in its truest form is anything like where I went, I'm not ready for God. My goal is still God/Truth/Infinity/Love. Even if this is all horseshit, I will still pursue God. I can't imagine anything better to pursue. And despite not coming across much Truth, Infinity, or Love, I still have found this process incredibly rewarding and fulfilling. Despite wanting nothing more than Truth, I still don't know if omniscience is possible. I've had feeling of knowledge, and transcendence, but how do I differentiate any of that from finite forms of knowledge? I hear lots about this state of knowing where "You just know." but how can you know that to not be self deception? I'm incredibly skeptical of my psychedelic experiences, and will not take what they tell me as Truth (but will still take them as hints) As of now, I know a few things: 1. Phenomena exists (I think therefore I am.) (I am) 2. Consciousness can morph into absurd shapes (and smoothly) 3. That I don't know. My baseline has raised significantly the past few months (I attribute that partially to mushrooms, but mostly to mediation and Kriya) I can retain much greater awareness of the screen of consciousness throughout the day. I can't recognize it as God currently. Really all that I have learned is that I know nothing. I knew that I knew nothing before. But I didn't know what nothing meant before, and I didn't know how much there was to not know about. What do yall think about this? How is true knowledge (Gnosis, omniscience, God consciousness) actually possible?

⚠️ Warning, only read if you are mentally stable ⚠️ I've done a psychedelic retreat, 8 trips back to back on a variety of substances (10+) in mid-heavy doses for two weeks. I was starting to get more conscious and infinite with each trip, reaching new levels of Awakening every time, it's shocking how deep you can go with psychedelic retreats, it seems you max out, only to breakthrough in the next session, I was blasting through every limit till this happened... So what I'm sharing is what I would have loved to know before hand. Most of the times the limit to your awakening is that you just can't get really there, you're not conscious enough, but as you keep on pushing you encounter harder and harder limts to break, what you will discover if you go hard enough, deep enough, long enough is a seemingly unsurpassable wall of FEAR. You'll be so fucking conscious that you may realize on the other side are the best realizations you could dream of, your whole life search, but that wall won't move an inch and will makes you recoil consumed by an incomprehensible fear. With some time for integration and contemplation, fear is designed to protect your 'self' hence imagine the fear you have of not burning your hand while cooking, multiplying it by a trillion for the destruction of all that you are and all that is, moreover fear makes you act in a flash and not to become contemplative, being one of the hardest hindrances to surpass in Awakening. I was haunted in particular by these 3 fears: 1. Death / Universal anhilation: I would die and everything would die with me, if I dared to take a step further and Awaken to the ultimate Reality of what I am, what God is and the ultimate Infinite singularity: my human self would totally die, I would never come back, the human life, all my dreams and aspirations, my family and friends, this universe, everything would vanish forever, like sand blown by the wind. It's not even that "other people" would find my dead body and cry over that, no no, it's even more radical than that, this whole dream, this whole fucking movie, would come to an end, I would resolve all of existence and become God in my Infinite Reality forever beyond any limitation. If any other particular dream would unfold, at all, was dubious, as I standed in the midst of an infinite consciousness singularity sucking me and all of Reality into oblivion. 2. Too much / Infinity A fear of too muchness, of overstimulation overflowing, of fuck it you've really gone tooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo far this time. You've fucked it up, you cannot take it, it's impossible to fucking take, every part of your psyche cannot hold it, all safety limits in all dimensions are beeping like a nuclear bomb is going to explode. You've gone through these fears before, but never like this, never like this. After inspecting you realise that 'too much' is just a pseudo word for Infinity, what you truly fear is Infinity. 3. Insanity (totally losing your shit) Insanity, levels of insanity imagineable, levels of distortion, despersonalization, uncontrollable delirium, totally imagineable, no framework can hold your mind, you've lost memory, history, self, context, you only get context from two past frames behind you which dissolve into nothingness and no ground on the next frame but a chaotic flux of unrestricted consciousness, so fucking mad that you can't even call yourself mad, all personalities, all psyches, the whole of reality, an assilum, a delirant carnaval playing in your infinite mind tirelessly and absolutely awake. These fears are very strong and existential, I couldn't breakthrough them with more psychedelics but recoiled in fear again and again, the wall is still there and it needs time and understanding to integrate it with of course surrender and Love. These fears are here and will haunt you before your greatest Awakenings, beware!