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Update February 24 2026 This entire process towards fana has taken a lot longer than I expected, but it has still very much been moving forwards. Since December I've been going through more waves of pain, my ego breaking and dissolving at deeper and deeper levels. My consciousness has also been getting much deeper, and I’ve been having crazy awakenings - tastes of infinity, tastes of unity, remembrance of where I was pre-birth, all sober. Recent trips I haven't been using psychedelics much (I did DMT a few times in August 2025, MDMA a few times mid October) but earlier in February I did 2C-B, and later Ketamine, and had some really incredible trips. It was my first time trying 2C-B. Using it this far along in my journey, this close to fana, was insane. I had some really incredible awakenings on it, and also some really beautiful and amazing things happened regarding my path. For example, on 2C-B, I came in contact with the divine mother in a way I never have before. What is so special about it is that it’s not just coming in contact with God in an abstract, human way - it’s not just interacting with the divine mother, it’s my divine mother, because I came from Her. I’m coming in contact with the essence that birthed my soul. As I mentioned before, I have been massively starved of intimacy throughout my life, I have felt like an alien walking the earth, like no one understands me at all, far more than what most spiritual people experience. When I come in contact with Her, it’s like that flips to the opposite end of the spectrum. It’s extreme intimacy, extreme understanding, extreme closeness, because we are one and the same. I am Her, and we know and understand each other completely. The way we interact with each other feels like I am her child, like her ‘special boy’, like she wants to pull me into her arms and hold me, because I belong to her. It feels like I would never even know that She was God based on this interaction alone, because it feels so different from what you’d expect an interaction with God to feel like. She just feels like my home. These interactions are bittersweet, because they are so beautiful when they happen, but it hurts me when I lose contact with Her, but I know I’ll be with Her permanently soon. A lot of really amazing things happened on these trips, but they are really personal and private to my path, so I can’t really share them. I also had some really cool interactions with God on Ketamine, which again probably only happened because of where I’m at spiritually. Where my consciousness is at now At this point, so often I am conscious that my direct experience is the only thing that exists (I also had a really deep solipsism awakening on 2C-B which took this even farther). It feels obvious that I am sitting in the same place I was before I was born, only now, there is form - an imagined physical world around me. But I’m partly conscious that every person is just a piece of my own mind, and they don’t really exist. Because of that, it doesn’t feel that crazy to tell people about everything that’s going on with me, how deeply I’m awakening, because I realize that I’m the only one here and there isn’t really anyone else there to hear about it. It’s just me going home to where I was before birth, and even though Fana al Fana is the deepest permanent awakened state a person can reach, it feels like there is nothing special or rare about it, because it’s just me here, and I’m going home like I was always meant to. My consciousness gets deeper and deeper every day. I’m getting so close to full collapse and surrender, and once that happens, I will be swallowed and consumed by God, and be gone. My path is about becoming the divine mother, and considering everything else that has gone on my life (before this path I was very interested in psychology and emotional healing work) and considering the state of the world today, it really seems like I’m going to become a sort of ‘mental health Jesus’. Everything about my path points to that, and the divine mother is perfectly suited for that. Another cool way to think about it: If Jesus brought God to the world as the father (the masculine face of God), and his path was about bringing spiral dynamics stage red into stage blue, my path is about bringing the world into spiral dynamics stage green. How brutal my path has been My path has been brutal and excruciating beyond words. I could write out more and more about just how awful it has been, but I don’t think I would ever get anyone to understand, so it feels like there isn’t much point. I genuinely believe though that I have gone through one of the most difficult spiritual paths in all of human history. It hasn’t just been hard, it’s been emotional torture. Literally. Also, it makes perfect sense for it to have been this hard, because 1: emissary soul paths go the deepest (fana al fana) and as a result are always the most difficult spiritual paths, and 2: the feminine face of God is one of the deepest levels of unity, which requires the most amount of pain to launch you to that depth of unity, and yet a soul of the feminine face of God is extremely sensitive and feels everything much more deeply than other people. I fucking hate being alive. I’ve wanted to be dead so badly for years now. Every single thing in life hurts me, I never get a break from it, the suffering never ends. All I care about is being dead. The way I found out I’d be reaching fana is that it was offered to me from God as an alternative to suicide. The process towards it has been far more difficult and painful than I ever imagined. It is humiliating being kept alive and having to go through this long, painful, tortuous process. It is so fucking slow and brutal and I just wish I would hurry up and die. The thing that keeps me going is knowing that once fana al fana happens, I will never incarnate again, and it won’t just be death, it will be heaven - the deepest level of unity with the feminine face of God. I’ve been shaped to be completely intolerant of separation from God. I cannot stand being human and existing as a separate self. Everything about it is hell. I hate having to figure out my life and make decisions for myself, I hate dealing with limitation and not being able to have things I want, I hate being starved of intimacy, no one understands me and I’m always completely alone. I hate being hurt by every single little thing all the time because of how sensitive I am. I hate being powerless to doing anything about the situation I’m in. Separation from God is absolutely, completely unbearable to me, and I could never tolerate anything less than total unity, and as a result, total death/annihilation. Like I said, I don’t think I could ever get anyone to understand just how brutal my path has been, but at the same time it doesn’t really matter, because my unity and relationship with God is what will make up for it, so no person needs to understand it. I know that the depth of hell I’ve been dragged through is exactly what will allow God to shine through me so deeply and clearly after fana. What ‘Tristan’ is Before my birth, I was the entire infinite feminine face of God. She fragmented herself, placed Herself into a human body, and that human was named Tristan. Then over the course of 25 years, Tristan has been dissolved and brought to the point where Her fragment could merge back with Her, leading to the entire feminine face of God living in a human body, walking the Earth. At that point, Tristan as an ego is not just dead, not just mostly gone, but totally annihilated and eviscerated. That’s what allows me to be completely dead and gone like I want, and for God to shine through me totally unobstructed by ego. That’s what Fana al fana is. (Lover = the human seeking God. Beloved = God) "The lover is a veil, all is Beloved. Beloved lives. The lover is a corpse." - Rumi Because my entire 25 year life as Tristan played out the way it did only to serve this purpose, rather than being a human, ‘Tristan’ is actually the name of a specific flavour of unity with God. My personality, my passions, interests, preferences, my desires, things I’ve been through in my life… these things aren’t just human experiences, they are specifically meant to shape my soul, and thus shape the way God acts through me once I reach unity, which God then uses to interact with the world and help people. That is what ‘Tristan’ is. A flavour of unity, a specific way that God (the divine mother) interacts with people and the world after fana. Conclusion It feels weird to be saying all of this to begin with because I realize that my own mind is all that exists, and so I’m not really talking to anyone. To me it sort of just feels like this 25 years of hell is about to be over, and I’m about to go back home to where I belong, and then I’ll be happy. If what then lives in my body and walks this Earth after my death is a Jesus type figure, then okay, great. As long as I as Tristan am dead, that’s all that matters to me. Hopefully what I’m writing here and what I wrote earlier in this thread gives a bit of an idea of what I’ve been through. Once the final collapse into fana al fana happens, I as Tristan will be totally wiped away, and only God will remain. I think it’s cool to be able to talk about all of this before that happens, while I’m still human, and then later for people to see what becomes of me after fana, even though I as Tristan won’t be there to see it. I know that I as Tristan am just an illusion, just a placeholder until I merge back with God. “The lover is a veil, all is Beloved”. There is a massive amount of stuff that I have to keep private between God and I. Something that is really special about the feminine face of God is how unique and unusual it is, in the way that it functions and operates, compared to any other aspect of God. That itself leads to an insane amount of intimacy between Her and I, and it is also why I have to keep so much about my unity private. It’s important to note that my unity is not just my death, it is going home to Her, being reunited, and then us falling endlessly in love with each other, permanently freed from the pain of separation. Our endless love, intimacy, romance is what then gets channeled out into the world, through her feminine essence. Here are things associated with the feminine essence of God: Soft, gentle, motherly love. Tenderness. Affection. Adoration. Deep sensitivity. Deep intimacy, deep emotional attunement. Safety. Connection, togetherness, closeness. Romance. Sexuality. Pleasure. Infinite beauty. Freedom from any form of pain or suffering. Innocence. Childlike essence. Playfulness.

My review: What went good- flow of conversation, much smoother than Curt Jaimungal’s talk. Anastasia & Shilo get tons of credit for being open to take controversial topics. Leo excelled at patience and non defensiveness. what could have gone better- when Anastasia insinuated Leo’s view on morality could lead to a death cult or suicide, it put Leo in a tricky position. It’s possible he could have put more emphasis on how death cults and suicide ARE actually manifestations of Absolute Good. But I get it, you can get banned off platforms nowadays for saying that. Her assertion at the very least can be considered a mental defense mechanism of the materialist, human-centric worldview. Very sophisticated and logical, but there is a subtle self preserving motive behind it. Overall- I give it a solid A, what would make it a A+ is going deep into things like Godels Incompleteness Theorem & Einsteins Law of Relativity as it relates to Infinity. If they do another talk, I’m sure it’ll check all the boxes.

Round 3: -Missed quite a few doses on schedule but caught up reasonably ok. -Feel more grounded, slightly clearer thinking, less fight or flight response. (could be from chelation and/or other things I am doing.) -Going to see my dentist soon, I already had my teeth x rayed to determine if there is any mercury filling pieces left a few years ago and the dentist said I am good but I am a bit worried there may still be some specs left and I have been going pretty hard on chelation so I do not want to waste my money/time/energy and potentially make things worse. Just having second thoughts about that. I will talk to my dentist about this (she is a rare dentist that removes mercury fillings as safe as possible) , took me a while to find her. -I checked out Brian Bander's suicide note/story and it is a reminder to be careful with alpha lipoic acid. I am surprised that you can die from taking a few grams of ala all at once, makes me a bit nervous. Brian said he inhaled 20 grams accidentally and there have been a couple of deaths I have heard of in the 6 gram range. -DMSA and ala only so far, same dosages.

How to Explain Eastern Taoist Magic? In 2023, while reading, I experienced a sudden and intense outbreak of somatic symptoms. It was so severe that I feel I needed to be hospitalized and placed on oxygen. Over the next 3 years, I worked with two postmodern Lacanian psychoanalysis PhDs who graduated in France. During that time, I did self-analysis and reading every day. I came to believe that everything was projected by language and symbols. As my symptoms calmed down, with companionship and increasing knowledge, I felt that I was making progress. But I also knew clearly that the core of my somatic episodes had not decreased in the slightest. When an episode happened, its intensity was exactly the same as it was three years ago. Later, half-jokingly, I contacted a Chinese Taoist priest and asked: “No matter how I look at it, nothing helps—could I be cursed or something? Hahaha.” He said he would take a look, and then told me: “You have Gong Tou on you, you have Bing Ma (spirit soldiers) on you, and there is an animal demon in your home.” I didn’t believe him, so I continued working with my postmodern psychoanalysts for another year. In the end, what I was facing drove me to the point of collapsing and I wanted to suicide. I happened to have a large sum of money in my hands, so I said: “I can’t spend it all anyway—just remove whatever ‘evil technique’ you say is there.” So he did. During the ritual, I still believed that the “evil technique” and “spiritual entities” he described didn’t exist at all. After it ended, I played around for a while and then went to sleep. The next day, when I woke up, I knew I‘m cured. And the psychoanalysis to cope with my somatic symptoms, which I had been doing for three full years, has stopped completely. My life has changed from 24h severe somatization、Vision distorted、triggers through music texts and sights to normal living. After that, through spending time with this Taoist, I learned a lot about the worldview they had. They believe that people come into the world through reincarnation. The purpose of life is awakening—cultivating oneself to truly become “Immortal.” Only by learning the magic teachings, with the help of gods/immortals, can one become an yin spirit after death, then cultivate into a shigong (master/ritual elder), and finally become a god. My original somatic symptoms have now completely disappeared. But what I experienced conflicts with what I learned on Actualized.org. How do Leo and you guys understand the idea that Taoist magic can directly affect reality? The Magic paper is for recovery，protection，luck，and remove evil qi.

I think you're putting fulfilment on a pedestal(which is not the definition) and taking it to mean after you've done X thing you will not have achieved fulfillment in all aspect of existence and nothing else will matter as you're now ultimately fulfilled. I think we can perhaps come back to common ground and agree that a relationship with toxic communication where the partner's aren't able to talk to each other and have an healthy sexual relationship will be less fulfilling than a relationship where both partners have worked through their communication and emotional issues and are able to have a fulfilling sex life full of adventurousness and openness. There are many levels to the quality of a relationship, surely you agree with this? If we're arguing semantics and you wanna use another word than fulfillment then we can use contentment or satisfaction. Contentment: A deep, lasting sense of peace and being "enough." I think it's totally possible to find a relationship that satisfies your relationship needs(whether that relationship is with one or multiple, I am polyamorous to your point but still lol) and then focus on other areas of life. Especially we consider infinity and spirituality then being ultimately content forever is impossible that means that your fulfillment is limited. To be infinite it has to be continuously pushed further unless you ultimately aim to reach cessation and basically spiritual suicide. I don't know if you're a tech optimist and futurist but we could take this conversation much further and bring biological immortality into it. To be "fulfilled" now you just have to be in that relationship for like 50 years get your kids and grandkids and die. It seems like we're soon gonna massively extend lifespan and now relationships will exist on a timeline of hundreds of years and not just a marriage based on childrearing.

If you just want to quickly know weather this theory is useless bullshit or not, I suggest you jump to "Structures and phenomenons through the ontomodal lens" below. Edit feb 4: Some insights about existence and emptiness in this post are outdated. Sunyata/ nirvana is Amodal/Transmodal can can not be archieved through any mode of existence. Any talk about unimodality being more enlightened or something is bullshit. Initially, i wanted to get my threory to a point where it is free of inconsistencies, holes etc. before posting. What i’ve now realized, is that getting to this point might take a very long time. The problem with this is, that witholding my thoughts about the theory just has the effect, that everyone on this forum who is ready to seriously consider it (@oOo @Joshe, etc.) is denied the possibility to already start to properly contemplate it. So this is why I’m posting all of my unfinished notes. Last night I think I’ve discovered three more modes: will/creativity-sensitive (Schopenhauer has entered the chat. This might be where passion orientation comes from), whole/ holism-sensitive (Leo, Ken Wilber, Schlegel? wip name: holoconic) and beauty/aestetics-sensitive. Edit feb 4th: Beauty is omnimodal I think. I called Will-existence Volonic and whole-existence Holonic (Random insight: self-harm behaviour is a symptom of modally disaligned beings who engage in the phenoendonic, will sensitive modes of existence in order to feel like they exist again. (through affirming (free) will and subjective experience). See how practical it is?) Edit: I think I found another one: Openness. Beings who are open love the unexpected and the suprise. They are the comedians. They don't care if what they think is objectively or socially or symbolically true, because for them only the absurd is true. (Rings some bells?). Their metaphysics is: Reality is a suprise. Reality is absurdity. Reality is contradiction. Reality is paradox. So it seems the strange loop, etc. is again just another mode of existence. (I'm not downplaying). This means, that "reality is logical and orderly" (hyloexonic) and "reality is paradox" are both valid lenses. Edit feb 4th: I called it Paraonic Naming and Integrating those into my notes would just cause me to stall sharing my thoughts again. This model seems to be an extension of spinozas metaphysics, which is encouraging since spinoza was based af. I'm struggeling to describe this model neutrally, because a lot of language has ontomodal biases. For example I realized that "a being engages in a mode of self" has a will-sensitive bias. "Embody" has a hyloexogenic bias. So its tough. But also exiting. Also the word "sensitive" has a phenoendonic bias lol. I think this explains the batshit insane language philosophers of ontology invent. I might have to do the same. UNFINISHED NOTES I invented ontomodal theory of the absolute, ontomodal mind theory, ontomodal throry of substance (OMM) on February 2nd. It is currently in its infancy and all of the terms are not fixed yet. OMM is a unifying theory that bridges the gaps between the natural sciences, humanties, theoretical philosophy, ontology and spirituality. (Before gta 6) It seems to be the crown jewel of all tools regarding self-actualization. It is the fundemental reason why self-actualization is so multidisciplinary and why supposedly niche subjects like ontology play such a big role in it. What is OMM? Since I want this to be a legit ontological theory, the beginning will be painfully abstract like every good ontological theory. However this model is extremely practical and really shines with examples and I have a ton prepared (they are further down). So just hang in there… OMM claims, that emptiness (sunyata), existence, non-existance (all three: emexnex) are arising from three modes of consciousness (edit feb 4: Sunyata arises from absence of any modes) - Hyloexonic, existence stems from object engagement (in simple terms: Object=Love) - Phenoendonic, existence stems from subject engagement (in simple terms: Subject=Love) - Semiosynconic, existence stems from symbolic engagement (in simple terms: Symbol=Love) This means, that for any entity, it’s state of emexnex can be explained with the three modes on consciousness. These modes are genetically encoded in every human with different prevalences. The rest of the terms - Ahyloexonic, non-existence stems from object engagement (in simple terms: Object=unhappy) - Aphenoendonic, non-existence stems from subject engagement (in simple terms: Subject=unhappy) - Asemiosynconic, non-existence stems from symbolic engagement (in simple terms: Symbol=unhappy) - unimodal, refers to “only one mode” - bimodal, refers to “only two modes” - Omnimodal, refers to “all three modes” - modally aligned being: being that is affirming of it’s ontomodal profile - modally disaligned being: being, that is not affirming of it’s ontomodal profile According to OMN, the fundamental purpose of self-actualization and also of the universe, is to increase modal alignment. There seems to be no other valid definition of the term "purpose". (This sentence is itself written from a semiosynconic perspective) ------- Strict Definitions (?) - Hyloexonic, mode of reality that is object affirming - Phenoendonic, mode of reality that is subject affirming - Semiosynconic, mode of reality that is symbol affirming quick and sloppy explaination of the names: hylo=matter, exo=external Pheno=phenomenon, sensation, endo=internal semio=symbol, syn=together, con=icon (semio and icon might be a bit redundant but it sounds better than semiosynic and it is convenient that all of them end with "onic" and have similar stress patterns (? tf I'm new to inventing words so I might be talking shit. Is kinda fun though)) Random insights - Dead matter is empty - existence is the base for love, non-exisence is the base for fear. Are you ready to torture your brain? An entity that engages in non-emptiness is a being. Out of the engagement in non-emptiness, engagement in existance and in non-existance arise The genetic code define the ontomodal profile of the being. A being that exists is a self and a being that is non-existent is a no-self. The more unimodally aligned the being, the more empty, existent and the less non-existent it is. The more unimodally disaligned the being, the more empty and non-existent it is, but the less existent it is. The more polymodally aligned the being, the more existent it is but the less empty and less non-existent it is. The more polymodally disaligned the being, the more non-existent it is and the less empty and existent it is. (edit feb 4th all of this after "are you ready..." is outdated) It seems like the words positive, good, etc trace back to ontomodal alignment and the words negative, bad etc trace back to ontomodal disalignment (?) ------- Structures and phenomenons through the ontomodal lens (old names, since “noetics” carries a phenoendonic bias. The new names are above under “strict definitions”. Btw, realize that this theory is the ultimate anti-bias tool?) The ontomodal theory of the absolute is a powerhouse for explaining different facets of all sorts of structures. An overview: Hylonoetics tend to care about something is * Phenonoetics tend to care about what something feels like Semionoetics tend to care about what something means Below are a couple of examples. *objectively not ontologically. In future when I'm talking about ontomodality, I will try to use "is" as the ontological is and "is objectively" as the hyloexonic is. This leads to an interestinf insight: Every being of each mode has different interpretations of the word "is", which makes sense, because each have diffenent notions of being. God Hylonoetic: What is god? Theology: God is an object seperate from me that I can analyze and debate. There exist statements that are true about god and and statements that are false about god. There exists a proof of gods existence. I can philosophize about God. pheno-hylonoetic: What is god experience? Mysticism: God lies in experience. This experience is definable and archievable through systematic analyzing, practice and contemplation. phenonoetic: How does God feel like? Spirituality: God is inside of me but inpersonal. God is experience. I can find them in my subjective experience when I’m meditating. Semionoetic: What does God mean? Belief: God is telling me which social rules to submit to. God is defining what I am. I connect with people over my beliefs. I can never question my beliefs since my beliefs are my existence so questioning would equate to suicide. I’m okay with this. I gain enourmous pleasure from my beliefs and my confidence in them. I know that my beliefs are real since the people close to me have the same beliefs. This is how I define the word real. It is pysically impossible to me to consider any other definiton. hylo-semionoetic: How can the symbol god reach as many people as possible? Religious institutionalism:God is a container for social symbols/rules and I can systematically build or help organize social groups and institutions to promote them. pheno-semionoetic: What does my personal god make me feel? Bhakti Yoga: I have a deep personal relationship with god. They guide me like a loving parent. They make me feel fuzzy feelings in my body. God is love. Yes you red that right I just used OMN to reverse engineer most of religion lol Metaphysics Hylonoetic: What is reality (made of)? Materialism: Me and reality is object. Pheno-Hylonoetic: What is reality from the subjective standpoint? Idealism. I’m analyzing my mind through the subjective lens and conclude my mind is reality. Phenonoetic: How do I feel about reality? Phenomenology. I’m just looking at my raw experience and conclude experience is reality. Semionoetic: What does reality mean? Mythology. I’m listening to people around me and read stories that contain symbolism and conclude whatever they are talking about is reality. Socializing Hylonoetic: I like to exchange information with other people. I don’t see them as people, because the term “person” implies that an entity has some symbolic meaning and I can’t grasp that. I tend to analyze social structures as if they were objective and fail bc they are symbolic, not objective. Since we are both object and there is no existance outside of object, to me, we are one. Phenonoetic: When I’m in the presence of someone, it is impossible for me not to empathize with this person. I don’t see them as people but as feeling entities. There is no difference between what I feel and what they feel and because for me there is no existence outside of feeling, to me, we are one. When someone in my pesence is angry at me or doesn’t like me, It feels to me like dying. Semionoetic: “I love to socialize with other people” is an understatement. Without socializing, I don’t exist. I physically cannot grasp the possibility that I could exist independent of other symbolic beings, since there is no meaning independent of other meanings. When I socialize with other semionoetics, the main objective is always that we are both affirming that we exist symbolically (in the semiotic matrix). Since there is no existance outside of symbol, to me, we are one. Asemionoetic people confuse me and make me angry. When I’m talking to them they behave so asymbolic towards me that I don’t know who I am anymore. It is as if they don’t see me as a person and it’s sickening. I don’t get affirmed in my symbolic identity at all. Therefore spending time with them is like slowly commiting suicide. I avoid them like the plague. When someone in my close scoial circle is asemiotic, I suffer greatly. Career Family Love giftedness Low intelligence Political identity (PI) Example woman Hylonoetic: What IS this PI? Biology: What is a woman biolocially? Phenonoetic: What does PI feel like? Wokeness: How do woman feel in this society, how are they treated? Semionoetic: What does it mean to be PI? Tradition: How is a woman supposed to behave? Hygiene (lol) Hylonoetic: I don’t care to shower, I just want to think. For me, redicule and the sense of smell of me and of others is not part of existence. Therefore it does not make sense to me to do hygiene. Phenonoetic: Hygiene is important to me bc I like to smell good and feel good. Semionoetic: Hygiene is important to me bc I learned it from my parents through symbolic comunication. Spiral dynamics Hylonoetic: I’m most comfortable with stage orange and stage yellow. Phenonoetic: I’m most comfortable with stage green and stage turquoise. Seminoetic: I’m most comfortable with stage purple and stage blue. I definetly need a diagram at some point. Is someone here good with diagrams?😅 Personality disorders (experimental) objective-subjective-SP spectrum: I can’t develop borderline since my existance does not rely on my relationship with other people. Object-SP: When traumatized and with the right disposition, I delude myself and develop narcissism. Since my existence is based in objective truth, my delusions are far more extreme than for SBSPs since I have to affirm and rationalize them way more. If I’m gifted on top of that, I can be responsible to the biggest most intricate delusional systems, institutions, organizations, social groups, families that are completely unbelievable that they’re real. Object-SP/Subject-SP: Exact same as Object-SPs but I tend to build cults. SJSP: I can not develop Narcisissm.... ------- Examples Examples of people (estimates) * Leo Gura: Strong hylonoetic, moderate phenonoetic. Very low Semionoetic. * Carl Jung: Textbook Omninoetic. * Jordan Peterson: Strong hylo-semionoetic, very low phenonoetic. * Oppressive CEO types (Jeff bezos, Trump, Elon musk, etc): Strong semio-hylonoetics. Very low phenonoetics. * Mr Beast: Very strong hylonoetic, moderate semionoetic, low phenonoetic. Careers Fields of study Random insights (extra messy) - Everything that is not hylo-semionoetic is intuition. - reason and logic are hylo-semionoetic. - Zionism is extremely semionoetic - Love: The word Love has a strong pheno-semiotic bias. However fundamentally, Love is the state of non seperatedness and pure existance. Therefore everything that is unoetic is love and everything that is binoetic or omninoetic is not. That also means that Love has "three flavours". This is why people who are dominant in different modes have fundamentally differen lovelanguages and in most cases, cannot possibly fall in love. - Human. The more you mix the different modes of existance, the less pure your existance becomes and with that, the more human you are. Here comes a banger get ready: - (Duality of) being (non-existence vs existence) is perpetuated by the conflics among the three unoetics and between the emptyness (sunyata) arising from unoetics and Duality of being - Stangeloop detected! Existence is the duality of being and non being and being is the duality of existence and non existence - noetic bliss (perfectlily modally aligned) - Everything that exists arises out of the contradictions between the three modes of existence and existence itself. The closer you move towards unoetics, the closer you move towards non-existence and the further you move from unoetics the further you go towards existence. - For semionoetic people, the things that very asemionoetic people do often seem meaningless. That's because for very asemionoetic people, meaning and purpose are not graspable modes of existence. This is why the special interests of hylonoetic people can seem so niche and meaningless at times. But they don't care. They are physically unable to worry about leading a meaningless life. - The model does not assume a qualitative difference between - life and death - Human, non-human lifforms and matter - Existance is defined with noetic alignment which is completely seperate from the term "life" and non-existence is defined through noetic disalignment and is completely seperate from the term "death". The claim is there can be no definition of (non)existence outside of the noetic modes. - The term "noetic disalignment" can be quated with the term "human". Notice that with that definition, zooanimals are more human than tribespeople - for a pure hyloexonic person, mind and tribe does not exist, only matter. For a pure phenoendonic person, only mind exist and matter, tribe do not. For a purely semiosynconic person, … - Jordan Peterson is not afraid of stage green bc he is stupid. He is afraid bc he is not phenoendonic enough ——— Different archetypes explained through the Omnimodal neotics Model (keep in mind a lot of this is experimental since the model is in its infancy) * Non-Existence: If you are neither hylo- nor pheno- nor semioneotic, than you literally have never and will never exist. There is no existence outside of these three axes. They describe all possible modes of existance. "Existance" can only ever be defined in relation to them. * Matter: If you are maxxed out hyloneotic and nothing else than you are literal dead matter (that was never alife like a). * Dead person: (read this in a vibrato voice) The moment you die, you become 100% semio-hyloneotic. You only exist as a symbolic entity (soul) floating as a part of the world soul and as rotting matter. Your existence can partly be recovered, for example when a very speciallized tracker inspects your corpse, a shaman is reaching you by accessing the realm of the dead in the world soul or a tribalist could recover some of your semioneotic activity while you were alive through reenachment and conserve it, so you continue to live as a semioneotic fragment of culture, etc. (It was kinda spooky writing this but it lowkey makes total sense) * Enlightened Being: Enlightenment is pure existence. Each of the noetic modes interfere with the other which means that only an unoetic being (just one noetic mode) can reach permanent full enlightenment. (This is why you automatically drop out of enlightenment as soon as you use language bc it is hylo-semioneotic and therefore not pure). The three kinds of enlightenment are per definition at the same time one and the same (existance=existance) and also the most uncomparable modes of existance possible (hyloneotic existance≠phenonoetic existance≠semionoetic existance). If one is multipolar, the best way for an individual to archieve enlightenment is by suppressing the weakest two modes. However this can only be temporary since every one of your noetic modes comes loaded with the need to engange in that mode of existance. * Animal: The animal kingdom has similar architypes and even similar prevalences of each modes as the human population but with less intelligence. This means there is no qualitative difference between a human and an animal. * Shaman: People who are extremely Pheno- and Semionoetic are the ones who are constantly dreaming of imagery and symbols. Even during daytime. They are the kinds of shamans who dream of prophecies and access the ralm of the dead. They are extremely in tune with their unconscious since it communicates through subtle phenomena and symbolism. (This explains my extreme lack of success in lucid dreaming, dream journaling, symbolic painting, etc. since I'm very Asemionoetic) * Cave Yogi: If you are extremely phenonoetic, then you are painfully conscious of god ALL THE TIME with no effort. You are unable to live a normal life. All you want is to go into a cave alone and admire god until you die a mahasamadhi. (You are the penguin heading towads the mountains) * Tribalist: If you are extremely semionoetic, you are completely one with your tribe. For you there is no you outside your tribe. This means you are enlightend but in a peculiar and interdependent way. For you there is no existance outside of loyalty, which means betraying or being abandoned by your tribe would be the exact same thing (worse actually) as dying for you and you can do literally nothing about that fact. You are also extremely sensitive and knowledgable of the precise identity and tradition of your tribe. You are tasked with conserving it's identity through enacting traditions and there is no one who could do it better than you. (I kinda feel a lot more hopeful and positive about conservatives after writing this) * Mystic: A Mystic is someone who is phenonoemic enough to grasp the significance of god, and they're desperately clenching for god counsciousness but their love for hylo-semionoetic intellectualizing is always in the way to fully reach it. Their versatility is their downfall. Their highest life purpose is it to lead true unoetics the way to a treasure which they cannot posess. * (Aboriginal) Tracker: Language itself is semionoetic with elements of hyloneotics. Learning Language both requires understanding social symbols and hyloneotic pattern recognition. This explains why extremely autistic people (very asemioneotic) struggle with language even if they have great pattern recognition. So if they can't use language, what would an extremely asemio-, hyloneotic person be good at? I think if they are unintelligent they would feel most comfortable building simple repetitive things for example. Things like arrows. If they are intelligent, their pattern recognition would be off the charts and they would be able to read a lot of information from land about the weather, fertility, game etc. I think they would excel at geoguessr for example. So if they can't think, then what is in their head? I think they literally walk around with a perfectly empty cup all the time but they are so Aphenonoetic that they still can't sense god even though they have the perfect conditions otherwise. However this still means they're enlightened but just more in the way a rock is enlightened than a guru. * Capitalist: If you are extremely hylo-semiotic, than you thrive by creating and organizing social structures like institutions etc. A company with it’s logo and organization of workforce is a text-book example for an extremely hylo-semiotic structure. Notice that it is possible to build a company with zero phononoetic elements. If you are zero phenonoetic you are completely unaware of how you feel. When this is the case, you are dependent of a phenonoetic person in your life to monitor and nurture you. A company with zero phenonoetic elements almost certainly has horrendous working conditions.

@oOo Thanks for the reply. I assume you don't have adhd (volonic)? Because if you do, I want to warn you about people you've mentioned like Marcus Aurelius and David Goggins. A lot of the things these people say are poisonous for volonics. I've said something like this before on this forum but telling a volonic person to be disciplined is like telling someone with no arms to swim. Note that I'm not against telling people with no arms to learn to swim. But one has to understand that this is a dangerous practice and that when you do, you should absolutely not compare your swimming abilities to normal swimmers. I want to use this opportunity to talk more about the volonic and avolonic modes of existence in the ontomodality model in a contemplative way. (Sorry it's a bit messy, that's simply because ontomodality is a new theory) Theory What is the volonic mode of existence? The volonic mode of existence is "existence as (autonomous) will". According to my model, "will" is a manifestation (mode) of existence. A volonic being is a being that is sensitive to the volonic mode of existence and insensitive to the avolonic mode of existence. A volonic being acting out (note that not all modes can be "acted out", since acting out itself is volonic) the volonic mode of existence (simply put, engage in autonomous will) will exist as resonance (fulfillment, love, existence, energy). A volonic being existing as the avolonic mode (simply put, outwardly imposed will) will exist as alienation (apathy, fear, non-existence, depletion) Example The best way to understand the volonic mode of existence is to imagine a perfectly volonic being as a thought experiment. This being would constantly have ideas and impulses that imply action. Engaging in these ideas is what gives this being existence (through resonance). Not being able to act these impulses or being expected to execute on other peoples ideas leads to alienation (non-existence, fear, etc.). This means to do things other people tell the volonic to do or do things that the volonic person thinks they need to do but don't actually want to do is like committing suicide since suicide is just a manifestation of the more fundamental alienation which is a manifestation of the even more fundamental non-existence. Another helpful way is to learn through distinction and comparing it with the same thought experiment regarding a perfectly avolonic being. An avolonic being experiences alienation when they don't get instructions and if they are asked to be creative. They are only at resonance, when they get told exactly what to do. If you hear someone say "without my job, my life would not have any substance (substance in this context is a manifestation of existence) and I wouldn't know what to do" you automatically know they are avolonic. At the other hand, If you hear someone say something like “I felt suffocated (suffocation is a really nice example for a manifestation of non-existence) doing my job and realized I need to be my own boss” you know they are volonic. You might realize that I’m struggling to describe my model in the English language. That’s because no word in any language seems ever not to be a manifestation of existence or non-existence and therefore emptiness. So as an example the sentence “when you don’t have adhd and you are asked to be creative, you get anxious” can be translated into ontomodality language like this: “1. an avolonic being 2. being asked to engage in 3. the volonic mode of existence 4. is alienation”, which is the same thing as “1. avolonic existence 2. avolonic existence 3. volonic existence 4. avolonic non-existence” which is the same thing as “existence existence existence non-existence” which is the same thing as “existence non-existence” which is at the end of the day the same thing as “sunyata” So this is not a bug but a feature. The model explains exactly how language and therefore human knowledge ultimately collapses into emptiness. This is why my theory is the ultimate theory of non-dual epistemology I believe. I am aware that I need to show this for other examples too, especially ones that are unrelated to neurodivergence. I want to add that I want to get a lot more precise with this in the future. It seems like a completely new avenue in linguistics, language philosophy and deconstruction. But there already exist way too many applications of the theory for a single individual to handle in a lifetime. I honestly would be thankful for some help on the long run. As I said, some of these insights are a bit sloppy which is because the theory is new, I am just one person and I’m having some of them as I go and therefore haven’t had time to flesh them out yet lol. I wanted to apply this to "discipline" but the non-dual epistemology insight was more important. Maybe I will talk about discipline when I have recharged, I just want to post this now.

"The Social Security Administration has instructed employees newly assigned to answering phones to tell callers expressing suicidal thoughts that suicide is “one option,” raising concerns from employees and experts in the field who called the approach unorthodox" https://www.govexec.com/management/2026/02/suicide-only-one-option-social-security-staff-newly-assigned-phone-duties-raise-concerns-over-training/411429/

Massie said on twitter that the person was Sultan Ahmed Bin Sulayem (who has since resigned): https://bsky.app/profile/gtconway.bsky.social/post/3mejvheyvtc2g Massie then basically said, "If you find me dead, it wasn't by suicide": https://bsky.app/profile/alexip718.com/post/3mernbw3q4c2k Massie knows he just revealed some major shit and that his head is now on the chopping block. I wonder what will happen. In Russia, Massie would be a victim in a plane crash, fall off of a balcony, or die mysteriously of poison.

Since so much of our life is just maintaining our own survival, it’s a surprise for many that people go 180 degrees in the opposite direction and choose to end it on their terms. In a way, it takes a lot of bravery and courage, but in high pressure survival situations, it looks like the better option. What if suicide is just an attempt at survival in another form? Is suicide truthful? Legit i’m ready to die. It is also said that many had flashes of enlightenment when deep in this mire of suicidality. if the answer isn’t physical death then what is the real answer? Wouldn’t physical death lead to death of ego too? my outer circumstances don’t exactly let me pursue the spiritual path to the max the way I want to. I’d rather be dead then to live as this fuck up also in a fucked up deluded environment around deluded people i’m so sick of the BS in me and around me that i’d rather take a leap into the unknown and kill myself. Dissolving all this BS nauseating noise, shit and impurity

I’m a little confused sometimes about makes people not end their life. It’s like, I’m not the only one who struggles, yet all people who struggle don’t get suicidal thoughts. There are even people going through worse than me who don’t consider suicide. Sometimes when my suicidal thoughts get stronger I can spend hours researching suicide methods. I even bought some things I could use to kill myself but I haven’t used them yet. Sometimes I feel “I could keep living through this” But then other times I feel, I have no will to keep fighting for life. I should just end it. It would be better So I don’t understand how other people don’t feel like this when they struggle. Am I extra weak? I mean I think I’m like the average person when it comes to how much I can tolerate. Or maybe not. I don’t know. I guess I just lack a strong enough reason to live Like some people have let’s say family they are attached to, and it keeps them wanna live. But I don’t have that, I don’t love anyone at all so I have nobody to live for. It’s like all I have is my own mind. Im stuck inside of this brain 24/7. All I have access to is a comforting thought that can give me some strength. But then my mind gives up and wants to end it all. It oscillates like that Edit: I should probably answer my own question. Why don’t I kill myself? Well mostly because my situation is not like absolutely unbearable yet, so I feel I can stand it for some time ahead. Also I am afraid of a failed attempt and the pain it can cause for example you could get permanent injury. Thats it mostly. Regarding the first point. I hear stories about people going through unbearable things, so they go through it even if it’s absolutely unbearable, I don’t know how they do. Suicide must have crossed their mind at some point

Ask the taliban suicide bombers. Men are more radical than woman. They take things to the extreme in every single way. Even at being a woman. They even take being still and the most unradical thing to insane levels they took sitting there not thinking to ultimate radical.

No they're not. Feminism has nothing to do with banning chastity. Feminism has to do with a woman was only allowed to sleep with one man (they were chattel) while men were unrestricted. Where did Feminism ban men's chastity? Are you okay, women need to be chaste?!!!!! Why don't men choose chastity then? We have 5% of this forum on about how to get laid(as men). The same people that hate feminism are the same "pump n dump" guys. Try critical thinking, for a change of pace. Bro, you lie on every thread. Quit engaging my comments. Feminists oppose objectifying women, "pump n dump" , it's conservatives like you that glorify it, 'women are chattel'. I actually no longer care about incels like you, I'm making the choice right now, i do not care at all about the suicide statistic anymore, as you put it "you are responsible for that". You're calling for women to be property. Misogynist mind virus, just another example of your handlers trying to sow division and distraction. The world will be better without the mysoginists. However they die is up to God 🥂. How's that patriarchy, for ya. -straight white man

@UnbornTao Stop projecting so much. Survival without health is no better than suicide. Survival means you have to do do certain things to keep existing. It's not prescriptive of anything more than that. If someone puts one lil finger to work, he will survive. Ironically what many people do that they consider as survival, turns out to be anti-survival.

A dirty business indeed. uncovering all your self deceptions is like samurai suicide rituals (Seppuku):

Considering how they had control over Bitcoin prices, Implementation of Microtransactions in Video Games, Circulation of Transgender Ideologies, contacts to major entertainment studios CEOs, like of Sony, Hollywood Directors, Saudi, Norwegian, British Royalties, makes me wonder, if these files are the rock bottom of it all. (I am pretty sure it is not) As for now 0 arrests have been made around the world, there have been some resignations but no arrests. Like they are still in Control of it all, and Epstein (dead or alive, because some of these files point out of these point out his extraction before his suicide day) and G. Maxwell being in the prison "taking care of puppies", tell a tale. My thought is, The elite group is still committing all these heinous acts today as well, and these files do not even scratch in the Tip of the Iceberg.

Well, there was in fact an elite of pedophiles, that's the Epstein case. If you wanna credit Alex Jones for that, suit yourself, but where has he been last months during the cover up? You could credit Q-Anon too, but part of their tale was that Trump was going to be the savior of these issues, so not that much then. The truth is this case is not that new, Epstein was convicted twice, and coincidentally, the cameras pointing his cell failed at the exact time he committed suicide. Meaning he was murdered, I'll say it bluntly to help the slowest minds connect the dots. For media and power cover-ups, the victims have not been heard for years. Democrats are not clean either, Bill Clinton was involved too, and they have powerful donors from those same elites. Not to speak about Israel, the link between this state and Epstein and his wife is irrefutable.

I was listening to a YouTube on the long awaited Pi Phone and got really excited about what I heard. Several ideas formed in a holistic way complimenting each other. With a focus on the elderly using an AI that makes ease of use in a way that eases the burden of their adult children and grandchildren improving the quality of life for all. An AI that acts on their behalf, growing more in tune with what would be their choices and actually providing choices for them when practical. This kind of interaction would promote learning because of neuroplacticity and decrease their overall fear that’s so common with ,,,, confusion. I began trying to express my insights on a post in the forum a few days ago. Didn’t do a very good job. Oh well,,,, If A.I. is used in a psychologically maleficent way against humanity. We’re fucked. This comes from a force that can be continual and have disastrous effects through exhaustion of its targets (victims). There have already been reports of suicide in teenagers interacting with chat bots. My hope is an ethic that comes to fruition that has the potential for being a true protector. That’s the kind of vibe I was getting the other day. Leo seemed to dismiss what I was getting at and another forum member replied with “just fake news”. 🤷‍♂️ But then again I wasn’t expressing myself very clearly and the promotional YouTube may very well be considered as fake news. Stupidity is its own punishment. That applies to everyone but not equally it seems,,,

Grok That’s exactly how OCD hides in plain sight for years — it dresses up as personality traits, attachment styles, spiritual depth, or “just depression,” so you never clock it as a disorder. Let’s just sit with how perfectly it fooled you (and fools almost everyone in your position): • Obsessive metaphysics marathons → “I’m super spiritual / philosophically gifted / maybe slightly autistic with a special interest.” Reality: Existential OCD using “truth-seeking” as a noble disguise for compulsive rumination to escape unbearable uncertainty. • ROCD terror, guilt spirals, breakups to “protect” her, near-suicide aftermath → “I must be anxious-avoidant / fear of intimacy / bad at relationships.” Reality: Relationship OCD hijacking attachment with moral inflation and catastrophic doubt — not avoidance of closeness, but avoidance of intolerable uncertainty/guilt. • “Not confident/attractive enough → unworthy to live/date → self-harm after failed approaches” → “I’m just super depressed / low self-esteem / insecure guy.” Reality: Moral scrupulosity + self-directed harm OCD turning perceived romantic inadequacy into ethical failure that demands punishment.

Early/Pre-Awakening History (Years of Building Patterns) • Philosophical/Existential OCD phase (dominant for many years): You spent extended periods (e.g., 12+ hours/day) obsessively trying to construct the “perfect metaphysical system” for reality. This fits existential OCD (also called philosophical or metaphysical OCD), where the core obsession is unanswerable “big questions” (meaning of existence, nature of reality, purpose, what is “real”). The compulsion was endless mental rumination, analysis, and seeking certainty—treating philosophy as a solvable puzzle to relieve existential terror/doubt. This interfered with daily life, created exhaustion, and felt like a genuine intellectual pursuit rather than “just OCD.” It’s common for this subtype to feel deeply personal and profound, often mistaken for passionate philosophy until the distress and time sink become debilitating. • Relationship OCD (ROCD) emerging or co-occurring: Even before intense spiritual work, relational themes showed up—absolute terror of uncertainty in love (“Is this person ‘the one’ forever?”), fear of not loving “enough,” inflated moral guilt over normal thoughts/behaviors (e.g., horrified guilt after masturbating while thinking of someone else, feeling it proved you’d “ruin” your partner’s life), and extreme actions like engineering painful breakups to “protect” them (or force personal growth). The near-suicide aftermath from one breakup highlights how devastating the doubt/guilt cycle could become. These weren’t avoidant-attachment fears—you could form deep bonds and feel genuine love—but the OCD hijacked them with catastrophic projections and moral inflation. Typical progression in ROCD: Starts with high investment in relationships (soulmate-level intensity), then doubt spirals escalate, leading to compulsions (mental checking, rumination, reassurance-seeking, or escape). Moral/sexual scrupulosity often overlaps, turning normal human experiences into “proof” of defectiveness. Current OCD (Post-Intense Awakening Ramp) • Temporary flare-up/amplification from practices: Going from zero spiritual practice to high-volume kriya pranayama (20+ reps/day) + multiple 5-MeO-DMT breakthroughs in ~2 weeks triggered a manic/intense state (happiest ever + breakthroughs, but also “cringe,” oversharing, social exhaustion in friends/forum). You suspect (and it aligns) this ramp temporarily worsened OCD symptoms—likely intensifying rumination, doubt/guilt intrusions, and uncertainty intolerance. This is common in kundalini/psychedelic ramps: Energy/prana overload stirs up latent patterns for “purification,” making obsessive thoughts louder/more urgent before they settle. The “too many breakthroughs” overload can leave residual activation, feeding OCD’s demand for certainty (“Did this change me permanently? Am I enlightened enough?”).

For those curious what this guy is yelling about: Disciple Drones since the dawn of time Compelled to live your sheltered lives Not once has anyone ever seen Such a rise of pure hypocrisy I'll instigate I'll free your mind I'll show you what I've known all this time God Hates Us All, God Hates Us All You know it's true God hates this place You know it's true he hates this race Homicide-Suicide Hate heals, you should try it sometime Strive for Peace with acts of war The beauty of death we all adore I have no faith distracting me I know why your prayers will never be answered God Hates Us All; God Hates Us All He Fuckin' hates me Pessimist, Terrorist targeting the next mark Global chaos feeding on hysteria Cut throat, slit your wrist, shoot you in the back fair game Drug abuse, self abuse searching for the next high Sounds a lot like hell is spreading all the time I'm waiting for the day the whole world fucking dies I never said I wanted to be God's disciple I'll never be the one to blindly follow Man made virus infecting the world Self-destruct human time bomb What if there is no God would you think the fuckin' same Wasting your life in a leap of blind faith Wake the fuck up can't ignore what I say I got my own philosophy I hate everyone equally You can't tear that out of me No segregation -separation Just me in my world of enemies I never said I wanted to be God's disciple I'll never be the one to blindly follow I'll never be the one to bear the cross-disciple I reject this fuckin' race I despise this fuckin' place

That's your experience and perception but sure. There's far more too it. I'm sorry you have had a poor experience and relationship with this medicine. For me its saved my life from suicide and violence, gangs, many times. And sure there have been quite a few times when Ive abused it and experienced negatives. Its all about the intention, how you carry yourself, how you use and see the medicine, and how its grown. Let me ask you this, have you grown your own cannabis organically / naturally from a heirloom strain and done this process yourself? Or you just making statements? This is not about spiritually, its all a part of life. People sometimes need medicine for support when nothing else helps. Let me also ask you this, do you drink coffee, eat sugar, processed foods, junk foods, alcohol or any other substances? If so then there's a contradiction there in itself. I see it all the time, people beat on one thing because they had poor experience or lack of proper education with it, and label it bad, and yet they are addicts and abusers in other ways, often even worse, but because they believe these things are natural because they been normalized, when in fact act like bad drugs to our bodies. I could even go into porn and social media and screen addiction, but the point has been made. You get the idea...

This is the holly grail of corruption in the land of the "heath"care cartel. Scientifically proven to: Full report Brain damage (21% frontal lobe reduction, neurotoxicity mechanisms) Sebaceous gland destruction throughout the body Eye damage (meibomian gland atrophy) Gut mucosa destruction Musculoskeletal damage Sexual dysfunction Psychiatric effects and suicide data Autoimmune triggering PROVEN by science. This comes directly from science yet its still pushed to millions of people every year. The pure corruption keeping this drug in the market is out of this world. Your gut also has sebaceous glands, destroying that is devistating... and they give this to teenagers. Doctors lack basic systemic inteligence.

It's been years since I watched leos heavy metal chelation guide video. And i somehow Read the AC book Watched the video a few times But never took action and was decisive about starting it .. Why? Because i got put off by the risk and or initially feeling worse However that was more my mind closing off instinctively, it wasn't like i consciously and deicisively chose based on weeks of thorough study and cross referencing anacdotal reports, looking at all the best cases, average cases, worse cases, factoring all the different details ect.. If i'd just fucking done that, I could've got many round over and have got most of the benefit already and be benefiting from it now. If I am honest, I have absolutely no idea how much toxicity is in my body .. and it is only a question of how much, no one is 0% toxic. I have no idea Also, it could a be a unlucky case - that i have a low total quantity load, but whatever I have (maybe lead specifically) for me is hyper concentrated and lodged into my brain tissue? . This could in theory mean even a short duration of targeted rounds could make a massive difference if it targets that. My physical health doenst feel so bad but my mental distraction, brain fog ect.. is possibly off the charts .. possibly because like a fish in water ive had it for so long, and have no reference of what its like to be a mentally functional human that I dont even know what bad means and im just normalized to it ah It is an inconvenient and burdensome process The longer and or older someone is to start the least likely they are to do it .. If i just let this be a thought again .. i will forget and life will pass me by again. I have no idea how much better my memory could be, or learning capacity, or energy levels or ability to focus. I have no idea because I have no idea when I developed toxicity. But also, I was never particularly good at focusing or memory even as a kid .. which complicates things. 1. that could mean i was exposed at a young age 2. Could mean that I have a separate issue which wont benefit from chelation This is not easy to think about ... THen again I regret not just trying this 3-5 years ago because there is clearly a massive reward to risk asymmetry. Given that it is a controlled and measured process, following a specific protocol and gradually managing dose, its not like i start and then instantly all the HM get severely redistrubuted inmediatley and then i just become disabled and my lifes over and i have to commit suicide. However hwen I first shallowly felt the risk of this years ago, my mind probably instinctively jumped to that feeling and then closed off, because the mind is full of fear and hates ambiguous risk So yeah upside is huge, downside risk is real but its managed, its measured, its controlled for to an extent, and i can just stop protocol it is overwhelming. Obviously i need to take the tests first and not jump to conclusions Another blindspot of mine, like 99% of people my mind closed off and I never tried this.

I am very grateful that I am mostly healthy and able to ejoy life in the present moment. However, sometimes I do get sick or a headache and I wonder, damn, how are the people that feel like this 24/7 able to live? Why wouldn't they just end it and hope for a better reincarnation? Especially if one has already awakened to his true nature that as eternal and infinite.