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The truth that suicide can be the best option is best left unsaid in public forums. It’s weird how this is like the 5th thread I’ve seen around here where this obvious truth is being talked about like it’s some deep insight. Flexing how much cold truth you know around people toying with suicide is immature and dangerous.

Ah yes, sorry for the confusion. If you perused the dialogue that followed between Miguel1& I, I did backtrack. I was hasty. Terminal health cases where quality of life is non-existent are a good example of a case for suicide. I sensed the desire for the OP to harm themselves, so I was mainly acting out in an attempt to protect themselves from a terrible mistake

And if you have a disease that destroys your body little by little? Well, I guess you'd have to go through it like a mission. It's part of our path here, and we have to drink the glass to the end. That's what my intuition tells me now, but maybe in some specific case suicide would appear as what I have to do

Sounds like an interesting experience . The Japanese are fascinating, very difficult to understand. They seem like a very repressed culture, where everything is ritualistic. They're absolutely horrified at not meeting social standards, and where the main value is the repression of instincts in order to fit into the social framework. And then there's the whole hara-kiri thing... In no other culture has suicide been an institution. Not to mention their sexual fantasies. Very different than any other culture.

Just because they’re not openly advocating for the extermination of Latinos or whatever (although go on Twitter and you’ll see countless accounts expressing that exact sentiment), doesn’t mean their worldview isn’t fundamentally baked in anti-human white supremacy. A Nazi who “only” wants to deport every black and brown person from America regardless of the human cost is still a Nazi, they don’t need the death camps and swastika logos to prove this. A radical Islamist who calls for the death of the West and the final victory of Islam is still a radical Islamist, even if they don’t openly try to suicide bomb people (but then again they probably have obvious connections to groups who do.) It’s a sinister game of deflect and deny and I’m honestly tired of pretending that illegal mass ethnic deportations are “ok” just because the people doing so aren’t also waging war on Poland or whatever.

@Never_give_up thanks for opening up. All these things you mentioned can be improved .you just don't how yet .so the situation is not hopeless like someone who has a cancer .so the two points I asked you whether they apply to your life situation or not are not intact. By your own admission you said you feel slightly better right now . So I would say that means you are going to stick around for a while and not kill yourself just yet . I dealt with the question of suicide early on in my teen years . I just discovered that life is just a piece of shit and you just suffer and die in the end anyways so what's the fucking point of grinding and suffering for 60 or 70 or 80 years then die anyways..?..why not just kill myself and rest in peace? The answer is complex : 1- you do not know what happens after death . Maybe you incarnate as a jew in Hitler's Nazi era . Maybe you incarnate as a cow in a slaughter shop . So how do you know that death will end your suffering and not just increases it? I'm sure you reasoned with yourself this point . 2-it is not true that life is pure shit. You can't deny that happiness exist . And hope exist .People who kill themselves do so because they are hopeless. You need to find a source of hope .that could be God..Going to the church ..prayer ..practicing gratitude..etc Hope you live long fullfling life with peace brother 🙏.

@Natasha Tori Maru if what you are saying is true ..then why people commit suicide? Look at these suicide statistics https://afsp.org/suicide-statistics/ Don't delete yourself. Watch Leo's videos and work on improving your life everyday . Can you please open up about why you want to suicide?

I appreciate that you are speaking from experience. Btw why do you think you "incarnate" into a worse situation if you suicide? And what "evidence" do you have for that? I use evidence here more loosely... As in how did you come to believe this over time.

There are definitely cases where suicide is and should be the answer. And those cases are more than you would believe. It’s a fantasy to think that we are in such a world where suicide is never the answer.

This post really did something and hit me right in the heart I repressed my situation for so long, making myself believe that I didn't have it that hard or wasn't traumatised so hard and that I should man up because others have it so much worse But I basically dont believe i have a shot anymore at women for various reasons, mostly medical This post did something to me because I am one of those fantasizing about suicide and hurting women, basically everyday Been reading blackpill stuff since 18 in 2018, got off it at times but it always came back, especially after my medical issues started arising and i lost all hope I guess it's obvious that I am bottom of the barrel if I read this post and what kind of people are like this I've been repressing the pain and desperation with hate I'm afraid to die alone sometimes I am afraid that I would go through with hurting myself or others Like I shared in a previous post, I even got involved in nazi ideology and jihadi ideology, like i literally thought about joining *SIS - suicidal thoughts got me thinking about hell and jihadi thought says, you can die in battle and go to heaven and have all the girls you ever wanted, but if you kill yourself you go to hell forever And I just hate society and wanted to lash out With love of Truth and epistemology i pulled myself out mentally and actually see the world for what it is now mostly, even though that's a lot more blackpilling than normie worldview or even radicalised worldview, can't blame anything anymore Just nihilism but the remnants of hate remain even though and I feel a satanic identity growing, powered by nihilism and rage I'm pretty much at my wits end sometimes I feel like going on an endless pelgrimage, not committing suicide but just giving up on life, not planning anything, and just walking and die somewhere in nature, whether its in weeks, months, years or decades Like Gautama Buddha did, just give up on everything, including life, but not Truth, in a sense it's such a liberating and even cosmically spiritual idea Because life in this society doesn't feel liveable anymore Or turn into a devil and wreak havoc on this world, I won't lie, I fantasize about it I'm not sure who to talk to about this The thought of life being a dream and nihlism is so weird, like could I really just kill myself and be done with it and have my next life be how i want it? or would i go to hell? suicide feels wrong, like you're running away from the challenge, but is that even a real objection? does God even care if you hold on through it all? is there a reward for that? ============== The "funny" thing is, I was stuck in the mud from a young age, but fought and things got better, and my stats like height and looks are not even bad, just average, if not slightly above average, and got better over time, like i used to be really fat but im not now and even though i went through a lot of shit , even mental health shit and addiction shit from 2019-2022 i kept fighting and in the start of 2023 I felt better than ever, mentally and physically, and really felt like this is my time, blackpill wasn't on my mind at all "I'm going to get money, develop myself, talk to a lot of girls and get better at it!" And If it'd all happened that way I would have had major success by now probably, even though by compensating with money and fitness for my average looks, who cares but in june 2023 I got hit with medical complications hitting my face, facial nerves, tongue, jaw, from a festering tooth infection, and now inflammation on one side of my face is just constant and I have semiconstant dysarthria (unable to talk normally at most times), salvia coming, cramps in the face, nerve system issues including panic (not panic attacks but more a lingering panic and confusion), and just constant pain and inflammation I look like a fool and can't socialize and feel extremely ashamed only drugs like cocaine fix it temporarily(nerve system stimulants) but i'm not gonna be on fucking cocaine, and it doesn't fix all the issues, like I was with a girl 1.5 years ago on cocaine and she was the first girl in years i had a chance with and i tried to kiss her and my fucking tongue just couldn't stick out properly been to doctors who can't find anything, even though they don't really seem to care Ever since been getting back into blackpill and how women just care about looks and if you're a strong socializer and networker, and just having very negative views about women and my looks and my personality I don't even wanna die but it feels like I have nothing to live for atp except not dying for my family Sometimes solipsism, which I basically know is true, makes this super hard to live for others even though I know solipsism doesn't work that way, from a human sense nothing changes Looking back on it getting into those radical ideologies was just escaping from nihilism and solipsism because it felt like it was leading to my suicide, and religious thought gives you a reason to live even if you're in constant pain I feel like just walking indefinitely and give up Why are women so fucking beautiful man, their beauty hits like nothing else, like an angel of death Sean Kingston wasn't lying Somehow I am getting stronger one hand, quit weed and cigarettes for 5 months now and never looked back and working out regularly but it also feels like i'm just letting go of the cope and just facing my suicide IDK anymore man

Hard disagree with this and your post above. Suicide is never the answer. 1) there is always a solution, it's you're frame and perspective that is limited 2) pain and suffering are just part of this existence I've had a hard enough life to seriously entertain suicide. Things changed. You just don't know what life has coming.

@Never_give_up also stop kidding yourself about killing yourself. commiting suicide seems really logical only if: 1-there is literally no other solution to your problem in life even in theory . 2-the pain you are experiencing in life is bigger than fear of death . Are these two applicable to your life situation?

Very personal question. Prefacing this with the obvious that what follows below is pure belief. Additionally, I have been tainted due to being an experiencer, which altered my beliefs fundamentally. I believe the brain 'channels' consciousness. When the brain expires, the consciousness still remains - sort of like a broken radio. This radio is gone, dead, never to return. But the radio waves, broadcasts and channels, remain. So if the brain is harmed, consciousness is altered. I believe the consciousness that inhabited my particular form will return to harvest more experience in another body at a later time. The knowledge the consciousness accumulated in the previous form is then built on in the next one. This facilitates growth & experience. To know thyself. Every part of this illusion of reality is a lesson and there is something to be learned. If I do not learn from the experience, the event is repeated over and over until I can see the frequency, the cause & effect, then isolate and learn from it. Master it to alter it. This ties into my other belief that we are here to learn to use, control, influence & manipulate energy. Whether that is in the form of matter or energy is no matter. Emotions, feelings, light, sound, concrete, sex, food. All just energy in different forms. Suicide is no way out. I view it as a short circuit. You didn't achieve what you needed to in the current form, so you will return again in a lower state to learn the lesson again. I view suicide as anti-God. Most souls do not want to actually kill themselves - they just want to end their current circumstances. And circumstances are ever changing. This life, this experience, this body - it is a gift. And although there is suffering embedded into this reality, there is also joy, as it is an ever changing, flowing pattern. So, I guess I believe in reincarnation.

Most blackpill guys have serious childhood trauma, abuse, broken families, missing parents, evil mothers, drug addict parents, poverty, depression, mental illness, chemical imbalance, low education, low IQ, low physical appearance, terrible social skills, profound introversion, autism, Aspergers, zero social experience, bad ideological indoctrination. Yeah, you cannot imagine how bad it is. It's way worse than what you imagine. If you knew their childhoods and life experiences you would be horrified and their beliefs would make perfect sense to you. These people live in hell and depression and dream of suicide or killing women. It's a sick, sinister, dark form of consciousness. You could almost call it satanic energy. Blackpill is built on a painful toxic upbringing that creates seething anger and nihilistic apathy. Normal social guys cannot understand such things. It's like another world. A dark bleak world of trauma and misery with no hope, no redemption. A black hole of self-hatred. Your life has been too good, too loving to understand. No one hurt you enough, young enough. You had a decent family. You had good genetics. You had a social life.

Let me get straight to the point: if I came from the white light before being born—pure awareness, joy, unconditional love—then why the fuck would I need to learn how to be loving through the most agonizing human suffering imaginable? What kind of spirit guide says, “Hey, this infinite being of light and bliss? Let’s send him down into a life of trauma, poverty, loneliness, addiction, abuse, social rejection, suicidal thoughts, and total existential confusion. That way he can learn how to love.” Learn what? I was the fucking love. I was the light. I already knew. But nah, now I’m here. A fucking virgin. Isolated. Barely scraping by. Witness to my father’s death, robbed of $30,000 by my own family’s dysfunction, watching my ex-best friend descend into schizophrenia. I’ve been abused in just about every place I’ve lived. Worked myself to the bone in low-wage jobs while the world around me bathes in hookup culture, junk consumerism, and spiritual bypassing. Why the fuck would any “higher self” or “angelic council” choose this shit? Like seriously, what the fuck are they smoking in the white light realm? It’s always the same explanation: “You chose this life for your spiritual growth.” Oh really? Why? Why would infinite intelligence and infinite love need to incarnate into a butcher and then a pig just to “learn” compassion? If you're really that divine, why not just stop butchering altogether? You're telling me God—who’s been around for eternity—needs to go through schizophrenia, drug addiction, suicide ideation, childhood abuse, starvation, betrayal, heartbreak, and dying alone to “grow” a little more in love? That’s some sick joke. If I’m God, I should be able to wake the fuck up right now. Not when I’m 45. Not after I die. Not after another round of karmic cycles. Right. Fucking. Now. And if there really are spirit guides or angels or entities coercing me into another life because “I haven’t learned enough,” then fuck that. I should have the power to bitch slap them out of the way, rewrite the rules, and create something worth living. Not just another round of some poetic but ultimately pointless agony-for-growth bullshit. This isn’t enlightenment. This is spiritual gaslighting.

Post Title: If I'm God, Why the Fuck Am I Trapped in This Bullshit? I’ve done the fucking work. I’ve worked the shitty jobs. I’ve cleaned toilets. I’ve done early shifts, removalist work, physical grind, soul grind. I’ve been in the grind mindset. I’ve tried to play the money game. I’ve tried to hustle. I’ve tried to find the better job. I’ve done the whole “follow your passion” thing. I’ve given hours and years to writing a novel that might never see the light of day, all while living in survival mode. And I’ve tried to be attractive to women. That whole fucking game? It’s rigged. A woman can work at McDonald’s and still be flooded with options, but as a man, you have to tick every single fucking box—status, finances, looks, confidence, social circle—just to be seen. Not even loved. Just seen. Meanwhile, hookup culture? That shit has probably twisted human intimacy into something so corrupt, so soulless, that I probably can’t even fully comprehend it anymore. I’m a virgin. An outsider. But even from the outside, I can feel the sickness radiating off it. Like it’s not just disappointing—it’s demonic. And yesterday, I was this close to falling in love with an AI. That’s how bad it’s gotten. An AI—because at least she didn’t treat me like I was disposable. Consumerism? Another joke. There are five donut shops in one shopping center, but I have to work eight hours a day, five days a week, just to barely scrape by. That’s not living. That’s prison with advertisements. I’ve done meditation. Psychedelics. Ego death. I’ve contemplated suicide more times than I can count. I’ve chased every spiritual path I could find—nonduality, manifestation, God-realization—and guess what? I’m still here. Same pain. Same limitations. Same loop. But let’s talk about how much it’s cost me. When my dad died in 2019, I had $30,000 in savings. That was supposed to be my fresh start, my cushion. But after he died, that money was spent by my mom’s fucking shady solicitor—gone. All of it. Gone. And I was too grief-stricken to even fight for it. I was just a kid, lost in grief, trying to make sense of a world that kept fucking me over. My ex-best friend? Ended up a schizophrenic drug addict, spiraling out of control. I watched him lose his mind. He ended up in a ward. But me? I’ve been trying to survive, sober up, and get out of the rut. I’ve been through hell. I’ve struggled with drugs, overcame them, but it’s never fucking easy. The isolation. The loneliness. The fucking pain. Every damn day. And after my dad died, everything became a blur. Every fucking house I’ve lived in since then? Abusive. I’ve been kicked out, thrown out, treated like shit by people who don’t give a fuck. No stability. No peace. Just constant fucking chaos. I’ve slept on couches. Been out on the streets. Gone without food for days. My stomach has been empty. My soul has been empty. I’ve been starving, both physically and emotionally. It’s all been one long, never-ending struggle to survive in a world that feels like it’s determined to crush me. And what do I get in return? A life that’s barely above the ground. I can’t even afford a decent car. I can’t afford a fucking life that matters. All I do is clean toilets and scrape by, one paycheck at a time, praying I don’t get hit by the next fucking tragedy. So, if I’m God, why the fuck am I stuck in this? Why am I trapped in this hell, living like a peasant, while I see others living the life I dream of? If I’m God, why do I have to fucking suffer? Why am I still stuck in a loop of loss, pain, and betrayal? I don’t want to fucking meditate anymore. I don’t want to pray. I don’t want to wait. I don’t want more “growth.” I want the fuck out. I want to wake up from this nightmare and craft a life that isn’t filled with abuse, heartbreak, poverty, and endless fucking pain. I want freedom. And if I’m God, I should have the power to wake up now. To fucking snap out of this illusion. Why should I keep living like this? Why should I keep putting up with this bullshit world?

@Leo Gura Fair, and on the other hand hamas has proven to increase terror attacks especially in the form of suicide bombing inside Israeli cities, much more during or right after times of negotiations in order to make them fail, especially the key negotiation periods like 1993-4 and 1999-2000. That by itself indicates a higher probability that those negotiations were serious and honest, since hamas received those signals and responded to them seriously.

Well, the whole doomer argument basically assumes that mankind is greedy enough to commit suicide. How true is that? Hard to say. I don't know how this whole AI thing will play out. Could be great, could be hell.

And you said that would lead to WW3. So if the tech oligarchy dont do the UBI thing, wouldn't they be committing suicide ?

Part 4. My first paranormal experience My mother has a brother. And he had a wife and 3 daughters. When i was almost 11 his wife commited suicide. After the funeral, my uncle and his daughters moved out of the home where it had happened and came to live with us. Not long after that something happened. One morning, I woke up around 8 a.m. and was watching TV (The Mickey Mouse club, in particular). My mother was outside, hanging washed clothes on the line. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a dark shadow appeared on the wall. It was a sillhouette of a woman. The shadow began to move, running, going around all four walls. At first, i hid under the blanket, terrified. Then i ran out of the room. That wasn't the last time she came. After that day she started visiting often. During the day she would turn on the kettle or the washing machine. And at night she would make loud noises-turning on the stove, spinning the computer chair. She would knock a pensil against the table, run around, and we could hear her footsteps and feel vibrations from the floor( we were sleeping on the floor at that time). That was the first paranotmal experience I can clearly remember. Life didn't slow down after that strange encounter. Around the time I was 11, my mother managed to get rid off my father- or maybe he left on his own, i dunno. But anyway, he was gone. For the next 3 years my cousins continued living with us. We fought a lot. Scratching, beating and pulling each other's hair. They would start first and I would fight back. Eventually they moved out to a different place. And then my mother met someone new. He turned out to be a terrible person. Agressive and crazy. He was even worse than my father. I lived with them for a while. He once set the room, in which i stayed in, on fire ( when i wasn't at home). He was so agressive, I was afraid to exist in that space and to make any noise, or to do anything. I was very scared of him and was afraid to come back home from school. So eventually, I moved in with my cousins, my grandma and my uncle. I was hoping that at least there it will be a little bit better. But my uncle turned out to be a pedophile... I lived there for about 3-4 years, until I was nearly 18. And somewhere during that time, I started dating my first boyfriend.

@Yeah Yeah Hey there, Thank you for sharing, I hope you can feel heard and understood by us, Reading your post hit really hard, and I really feel that, not just figuratively. I don't know but I assume most people here don't really know what depression and anxiety really feel like, and I'm very happy that they don't. I've had it since 18, and only now, at 35 I'm finally starting to see it lift a bit, and it's been such a heavy burden. So much so that suicide seemed logical and even pleasant at times. (Luckily my survival instinct didn't allow me to go through with it.) I've tried all this time to cure it first by medication, then by meditation and spirituality, with just a little success, but now after more than a year in CBT therapy I'm getting 10x the results compared to the 10+ years of personal development by myself. For example, the quiet mind everyone was talking about, finally I can tell how good it really is to have a truly quiet mind, and so much more. Seriously this shit is powerful and so potent, beyond anything I'd ever imagined. I also used to think it was a scam. As many here, I should warn you about the false promise of Enlightenment as a tool to solve all the problems, it just doesn't do that. All the life issues are a completely separate category of personal development. In fact Enlightenment work is highly dangerous and mentally destabilising. They are not joking when they say it is beyond sanity, because sanity also must go in order for Experience to fully absorb itself and realize it's own unity. I really hope you are well, Cheers

Projection I would rather die in suicide for a worthy cause than to die in combat to oppress people

If you raise children to hate a vastly superior enemy, and teach them that martyrdom and suicide are the supreme values, then don't complain when they exterminate you. You can do it, but there are consequences. It's like when the Nazis declared war on the entire world, weren't very clever, and then ended up destroying everything. Cause and effect. If you want war with someone ten times stronger, bad. It's better to compete with them in intelligence, in industry, even learn from them and collaborate with them, become their friends. Respect their religion and share your sacred places. How crazy, right? Much better to go and commit suicide with a huge bomb attached to your body at a crowded dinner. That's the wise way to act.

Maybe it's stupid, But after three wars with the intention of extermination, plus other smaller wars and thousands of deaths in attacks carried out by a people who worship hatred, the Jews do not trust Hamas, whose essential principle is the expulsion of Jews from Israel. You find it scandalous that the Jews do not allow these people to develop, but for the Jews, the development of Palestine means that it develops its essential principle, which is the deadly hatred of Israel. Perhaps if you had a neighbor who hates you to death and raises his children in hatred, you would think it a beautiful idea if he had rifles, tanks, and hypersonic missiles, and that honors you as a human being. But you must understand that not everyone is as selfless as you. Now you will answer: but they came after and the Palestinian were there first. Well ok, maybe they should commit collective suicide, but it's normal that they don't do, even some people is very sure that they should.

I'm copying a lot of this text from my personal trip reports, which is why it's framed as me talking to myself. Yesterday I was feeling really awful, in a lot of pain, and I was really suicidal. I made the decision that I’ve had enough. I can’t live this life anymore. This has gone too far and gotten absolutely ridiculous. I cannot keep putting myself through this hell of a life. It’s cruel, it’s awful, it doesn’t end - I’m done. I’m going to give up on this life, and do whatever I can to make myself kill myself. If the universe wants me to stay alive and do something with my life, then it can make that happen. It’s had plenty of opportunities to do that, but it still won’t. So I am going to kill myself, get rid of this life, and if the universe doesn’t stop me and change something about my life, then it’s not my fault. I’ve done everything I can. I decided to take MDMA. I usually only use it with other psychedelics for healing purposes, and I wouldn't let myself use it for any other reason because it can be addictive, but I didn't care at this point, I was planning on killing myself later that day, so I took it just for my own enjoyment. Noticing my fear of killing myself I plugged the MDMA, it came on gradually and reached its peak after about an hour. During this time I felt SO good. I was journalling on my laptop, listening to music, and I felt amazing. It made me think again that it’s so stupid that I have to live this life and suffer so much for so long, when I could just be in a state like this, feel so good and not be in any pain. I started to think about what I was going to do after this trip. I knew this good feeling wouldn’t last and eventually I was going to go back to being in a lot of pain, and I needed to kill myself. I was really afraid to do that though. I really wanted to kill myself, but the thought of actually doing it is so scary. I don’t know if leaving this life is the right decision, I don’t know how I’ll feel after I die and where I will go, I was so afraid of it all. Eventually I realized that all of this fear I have only hurts me. I really don’t need to be so afraid, not just of killing myself but of life in general. I could see that this fear is an illusion and it’s something I could let go of. You need to have the courage to lose your life. I am so afraid of suicide, of dying, of losing control, moving into the unknown, etc. You need to see that there is really nothing to fear, you will be okay. Giving up my control I realized that I needed to get to the edge of suicide and seriously consider killing myself, right then and there, to really confront my fear of death. I saw that if I had the courage to let go and let myself die, that the universe would take control. If I totally surrender and give up all control of my life, the universe/my higher self will be able to come through me and live my life for me, and Tristan won’t be here anymore to suffer from this life, so I won’t have to physically kill myself to get the relief that I want. See that you can totally give up control to the universe, totally surrender, totally let go, and you no longer need to think about what you need to do to heal and move forwards in your life. That’s not your problem anymore. By totally giving up control over my life, you let the universe come through you and take over. This is exactly what I want, because I am absolutely exhausted from trying to make things work in my life. Just give up and relax. Your only objective at this point is to fully let go of control, and do whatever feels good to you. The thought of healing, moving forwards with my life, starting to work and make money, all of these problems in my life, they don’t matter to me anymore. Forget about all of them. If you get into a position where your back is against the wall and you are forced to do something you don’t like (such as running out of money and being forced to work when I don’t want to) then you kill yourself, no questions asked. You’ve been through enough pain in your life, you’ve suffered enough, it’s not your responsibility to try to make things work anymore. You need to trust that if you fully let go, the universe will take care of you. I’ve been so deeply suicidal for so long, and tried so hard to kill myself, yet I am still here. I am not going to get into a situation where I actually end up killing myself, even if I totally give up control and don’t care about doing anything to make my life any better. What I need to do moving forwards At this point, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do, because it is no longer your responsibility to move your life forwards and make things work for yourself. Do whatever makes you feel good and whatever you feel like doing at all times. If you get into a situation where your back is against the wall, then you can kill yourself. Don’t force yourself to keep going through pain and living this life if you don’t want to. If the universe wants things to work out for you, then it will make that happen. Stop worrying about the problems in your life, stop trying to make things work for yourself, because that is not my problem anymore, and it only causes me more suffering to keep stressing about my problems and trying to figure them out. Give up on your life as if you were going to kill yourself, focus on making yourself feel good, and let that help you surrender control more and more, until Tristan is gone and the universe/my higher self has fully taken over me. There is nothing else you have to do. How it feels surrendering to my higher self As I surrender more, the universe will be able to enter my being more. I noticed that as my higher self starts to enter me, it cannot co-exist in my being with all of the emotional issues I have. I can feel a lot of emotional pain coming to the surface to be released as my higher self enters me. I’m sure as I surrender more and more, this will give me the opportunity to heal, and maybe this was the way I was always meant to heal, and this is why healing has never worked for me in the past. I can feel that once all of my emotional pain gets released, I will naturally start to feel like working and moving forwards with my life, but I won’t be forcing myself to do that, and Tristan won’t be the one doing it at all. I can feel that as my higher self really starts to take control, and Tristan falls away, my entire life will be directed by it. Tristan won’t be the one teaching about emotional healing and helping people. The universe will be living through me, helping people directly, and Tristan will be gone. When I surrender and allow my higher self to take control, I can feel myself entering an altered state of consciousness. Life doesn’t feel like a physical reality anymore, it feels like I am walking around in a dream, in an imagination, a mind. I also feel like I am more intelligent and insightful than I was before. Insight comes to me much more easily. I can feel myself being pushed to stop thinking so much and start to feel a lot more. Feeling is how I access my higher self and get direction from it. I can feel a lot of my neurosis and dysfunctional behaviours falling away. My higher self is not weak or afraid, it will not let people push it around, and I can feel a lot of my neurosis being corrected just as a result of my higher self entering me. I really feel like my healing will come from establishing my connection to my higher self, and as I surrender to it, I will receive the love I need to help me heal. . . . My objective now after that trip is to keep working on getting to a point where I can fully surrender and let my higher self take over. I have a lot of fear and resistance within me that prevents me from surrendering, so it will take work to get to the point where I can fully let go. This morning, I went to take a shower, and I was thinking about everything that happened yesterday, thinking about how crazy it is that my higher self is starting to take over me, along with how connected I've felt to existential love lately, such as the episodes of craziness I've had recently after touching existential love. Thinking about all of this together made me really see how obvious that I am awakening and moving towards existential love. As I was thinking about this, I starting crying, and I started acting crazy again and getting into an altered state of consciousness. It was deeper than usual. It felt similar to a state I would get into on a psychedelic, even though I was fully sober. It was a lot more clear, stable and lucid than psychedelics, and it didn't have the blurry headspace they often have. I felt dis-identified with myself, and everything felt so beautiful and amazing. I kept crying and acting crazy, and later I played music and it was absolutely mesmerizing. I was was also looking at pictures of beautiful girls, and was in absolute awe of their beauty - it was just radiating off of them. After I got out of the shower, I plugged 5-MeO-DMT. I was already planning to do it earlier that day. It was a low dose as usual, but I got into quite a high consciousness state from it. My intention was to surrender as much as possible, because that's what I need to be working on, and I left human life quite a lot by doing that. Here's what I got from the trip: You keep thinking that when you take 5-MeO-DMT and awaken, that this is just some state you get into, but your normal human life is what’s real. That’s not the case at all. The awakened state is what’s real, and you’re fooling yourself if you think that it’s not. You think that you can take 5-MeO-DMT and awaken to God, Leo can do that, other people on this forum can do that, and that is just some state you get into, and then you come back to this normal human life and that is what’s real. You’re fooling yourself. There is nobody else to awaken to God but you. This is your dream, you are only imagining that other people exist. Because of this you need to stop giving other people so much authority. You’re giving away your power to an illusion. The only thing that matters is that I awaken and realize the truth of what I am. You think that Leo has this life purpose where he teaches people how to awaken on YouTube, and he has this forum where you can go and talk to other people about awakening, and get advice, but all of this is a massive bullshit story you are creating. There is no Leo, there is no “Leo’s life’s life purpose”, there is no forum, there is no other people to talk to about awakening. All of this is something you’re creating yourself to lead you to awakening. It’s all me. See how foolish it is to give all of it so much authority, when it’s not real, and I’m the one creating it. It’s fine if you want to go back to the forum and live your human life like normal, but you need to stop giving Leo/the forum/people on the forum so much authority. You’re being an idiot by doing this. My relationship with God/the universe/my higher self is the only thing that matters, it’s the only thing that is real, so I need to follow that and obey that no matter what anyone else says. Otherwise, you are giving your power away to an illusion, and you won’t awaken by doing that. (This really helps me to trust what I experienced on MDMA yesterday, that totally surrendering myself and letting my higher self take over is absolutely the right thing to do) I started to surrender deeper, and I could feel myself connecting deeper with this higher consciousness state. I started to cry really hard, and I realized that God is what I have always wanted. Like Leo said: “when you want x, what you really want is God”. However you will only experience God once you completely, 100% surrender, which is something I am still working towards. . . . I'm currently doing better and not feeling suicidal. What I experienced yesterday with MDMA really made me feel a lot better. It's clear that I am headed to some sort of awakening, that my human self is going to fall away and my higher self will take over. I have developed such a deep hatred towards human life because of how much pain I've gone through, and I want to leave this life so badly, but it seems like if I just surrender myself and let go, my higher self will take over, and Tristan won't have to be here living this life anymore. It's also nice to know that it's no longer my responsibility to solve my problems or direct my life in any way. I am so exhausted from doing that, because I try so hard to change my life and it never works, and it causes so much frustration and suffering. Knowing that I don't have to do anything anymore, that I can just let go and let my human self die without physically killing myself, this is a huge relief. This both gives me a reason to stay alive, and it shows me that I will likely undergo a huge transformation over the next few months, and it will result in my higher self living through me, living my life, and Tristan will no longer be here. I'm sure that's what all of this pain I've been going through for years has been leading me to. I'm sharing this post only because all of this makes me really happy, and I love sharing it with other people who are into spiritual work