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About Marinus

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  • Birthday 12/13/1996

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    Belgium, Antwerp
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  1. New video! It has been a while since I uploaded a video. I will have more time to make them, because unfortunately I didn't pass all my exams, I have to study a year longer now, but with less pressure.
  2. If you are going to make a film with this music I want to play an alien.
  3. Attempting to change my life number +- 18 I managed to complete two A & B sessions, but now I'm back to only meditation. It feels like am keeping myself from growing. Everything feels so empty, boring and difficult. Currently I try to fill my void with coffee, alcohol, porn, social media and entertainment. Within 3 days my retake exams are coming up and it's so hard to focus on studying. I dated a girl 3 times and we seemed to get along, but now she doesn't want to take things further, because she has her own issues to deal with (unless she lies). It felt like I found a star in my darkness, but I was mistaken. I do know that eventually even if I have a girlfriend, the void will remain. I finally took some serious action and I went to my doctor. I told him I think I have depression. He told me I probably don't have depression I'm rather in the beginning phase (for 5 years or more already). I do suffer however from waking up a lot when sleeping,intense stressful dreams, lack of energy,lack of concentration and not feeling satisfied with anything. I got a referral paper to go to a psychologist. I can't do this alone anymore it's to painful and hard to help myself. I want to self actualize,but it feels impossible if I don't seek out help. I really want to think and feel that life is amazing, beautiful and a gift instead of these dark feelings. Currently I even look like crap when having slept 9 hours. Life is ticking a way day by day and I will regret wasting it feeling like shit.
  4. @Truthority I am curious about what you are trying to do here. Maybe you need to be more concerned about what you can do for the world instead of nitpicking statements. What emotions do you experience when hearing those statements?
  5. @universe If she is insecure about it what do you suggest ? I won't be able to date her this month and she doesn't like texting and calling. Before I left her last time she told me I could call her if there was anything (she means if I need someone to talk to when I struggle with something). And listening to my problems which I interpreted this way, because we have similar family issues (both broken souls, I know not the nicest topic to talk about). Why would she propose this?
  6. @Natasha You are right, I tried it out immediately and I think I might know now why I get triggered and get anxious about that girls behaviour. I get anxious about the thoughts that I feel rejected by someone I like, unsure about a girls feelings for me and losing that girl. I connected it to a past experience that I had with my mother. In the divorce I abandoned my mother for a year due to extreme stress I experienced of my parents' divorce. I couldn't handle it anymore emotionally. There was a time I helped my grandmother to move some stuff to my mother which my father asked of us. I was 17 or 18 and I thought I was doing the right thing to help my father and my mother by doing it myself in order to prevent a huge conflict between my parents. I felt responsible and I wanted to protect my parents from each other. When I put all the stuff in front of my mother's house she opened the door and approached me(I didn't know if she was home or not. At that time I had no contact with her which was a choice of mine. I was afraid to face my mother at that time I wasn't strong enough emotionally.) My mother became enraged with me and was calling me names which she hadn't done before in my whole life. I never called my parents' names and I vowed to never do this out of respect for them. My mother was raging like crazy and I was in shock I didn't know how to handle this situations. She was trying to hurt my grandma out of rage and those two never got along well. My mother said she didn't want to see me for the coming 5 years. I didn't see this as an act of emotion, rather as the truth. At that time never really understood my emotions so I thought she meant what she said. From that time on I really thought I lost my mother forever and when she acted like that at that time I felt like a ghost, like if some part of my soul was destroyed and gone. The time when I was 17-20 were the worst ones of my life and they led me to this community, so thx divorce hahaha. Luckily my relationship with my mother is good at the moment and she does her best to help me anyway she can. Now I have done the shadow exercise I feel better by knowing I experienced way worse in the past.
  7. @RendHeaven I don't. I would be in the dysfunctional category myself.
  8. My best possible self At the end of college. Personal domain Think of goals you would like to attain on the personal level (e.g. physical and psychological skills and developments). In the future I will be able to do at least 30 finger push ups. In the future I will weigh 80 kg. In the future I will be disciplined. In the future I will be proud of my self-actualization work. In the future I will feel more comfortable with who I am. Professional domain Think of goals you would like to attain on the professional/work related level (e.g. position, accomplishments, level of expertise, but also occupation and skills, etc.). In the future I will have at least a 100 YouTube subscribers. In the future I will graduate TP. In the future I will pass all exams in one try. In the future I will have produced at least have 70 videos. Relational domain Think of goals you would like to attain on the relational level (e.g. relations and contacts with loved ones, friends, colleagues, but also joint activities etc. in your social life). In the future I will be in a romantic relationship. In the future I will have experienced going out at least 10 times with friends. In the future I will have at least 2 new friends from my college life. Alright I wrote down my Best possible self which I will have embodying at the end of college which will be in about a year. Every morning this month for 5 minutes I will visualize what I wrote down. I expect this to change. The most important thing is to focus on what you want instead of what you don't want.
  9. Attempting to change my life number +- 18 The last months have been grey rather than colorful, so yet again I attempt to make my live amazing. One of my strengths is that whatever happens I always start over with a morning routine + more wisdom than the previous attempt. My plan: It's based on Brian Tracy's method. A = Most important, I choose to do this until I die and their is no excuse in existence to hold me back (except coma). B= Highly important morning routine to kick start my day. C= Highly important. This is the minimum, more studying =bonus. D = Important. This will be a new experiment. I will reflect on how it went and make time to be proud of my achievements. This will work. I have done it before, but this time I added new things. When I complete this list It won't even be afternoon. My day will be a victory when I have most of it left. Next Friday i will go to my doctor to talk about my depression. It is time to really help myself and i won't have to do this alone. This time I have more reasons to work hard on myself. I want to bring value in peoples life hence my YouTube channel, but I can't help if I don't move forward. Currently I have to use my phone to time everything which isn't smart, but I will find a way to replace my phone with timers.
  10. This year I discovered that I think and act in extremes. My base state is thinking pessimistic and feeling like a failure, time is ticking by and I watch how I waste my life worrying, watching YouTube, thinking about girls, not being able to keep habits. Acting anxious and somewhat shy. My other persona is the overconfident one. In this state I truly believe I will change the world. I'am able to form and keep habits, create motivation, be productive, demand respect from people, being a leader, inspire people and feel like I'm invincible. It kind off looks like villains in fiction who are overconfident in their plotting plans and act on them. My second persona comes out when I: Taking leadership (in groups) Having sex Having a new strong vision Having deep conversations listening to certain music Having a morning routine (only the beginning weeks) This second persona can be activated in a couple seconds if the situation is just right, but it doesn't last very long. It feels like an alternative form of consciousness, but I think it isn't real confidence. If I get into this state I feels very powerful and like I have taken a substance I think. If you played Pokemon you can see it as my mega evolution which is a temporary power-up in those games. I would love to be in this state all the time, but I think finding balance is key. I don't know how to create that balance. Whenever I do something I either do it very strictly with determination, but when I feel it's a huge backlash. Or I do it half assed and not feeling satisfied. I wonder if someone has a similar experience and if their is a psychological term for this and what might be the underlying cause. I never saw this in others.
  11. Almost every person I have met and got to know seems to have have some serious emotional issues with themselves or their loved ones. Are people who practice self actualization the only ones with hope or do their exist people that don't have serious issues? I define issues as: self-doubt insecurity avoidant/anxious people in relationships substance abuse hostility depression wasting all their time and feeling bad for it etc.
  12. I said I would gave an update so here we go. The date went well, it took 36 hours. I discovered that she is a very sweet caring girl which was really nice. I have my answer to her chatting behaviour and she just isn't really into chatting. She also told me she has abandonment issues so... yeah red flag there. She felt uncomfortable with kissing and she told me I'm new and she isn't comfortable with it yet, she is very open about this which I appreciate. When I went home she texted me that she thought she wasn't a good host for me at her place which isn't true at all. Anyway what happened next wasn't too great. I called her yesterday as we planned which was kind of awkward for both of us. I suggested a 4th date, but she responded that she had no money to go on dates only for groceries for this whole month. It felt like a rejection, but on date 2 she wanted to pay for our drinks and she was waiting for her money to be stored on her account. In my mind I thought dates don't necessarily have to cost anything. She was showing interest in me, but suddenly she couldn't hear me through the phone, but I could hear her. I think it was faked, but I also experienced it with my brother last week. Afterwards we texted a bit and I was telling her she did great on the last date and that I noticed how much effort she was putting in. She responded thankful to my message. Honestly I'm getting tired of this, I think her money issues are real as I also am in a similar situations, but it all feels so weird to me. If you really like someone you wouldn't act like this right? Unless you really like someone, but you are afraid of getting hurt. I hate it, but I can get easily obsessed about this, but if I feel powerless I just have to give up and let her chase me instead and if she doesn't than she was never really that interested. I really want to not care about this, but I do. I can start day-gaming again, but that feels shallow and a waste of time. I want to attract the right person by being who I'am and not by creating a PUA persona, but it feels like an impossible task as I never really had a girlfriend until age 21. Maybe it all stems from my feeling of not fitting in and not belonging anywhere, eternally alone in this universe. I hope you enjoyed this pessimistic update .
  13. @Aeris I think it all comes down to wanting a deep connection. A friend of mine says I try to speak to a persons soul when having a conversation. I think I want to really love someone, but deep down I feel unable to love myself. Honestly I don't even know what love is. People in my life who claim to love their SO have a transnational relationship. On the surface I think I just feel like my needs aren't met and I want to experience a better relationship than my previous which was very dysfunctional. I have grown from that previous relationship, but one problem I think is that it's very very difficult to find a person who doesn't have some dysfunction. Maybe it's just a limiting belief. I see most people as animals that think they are so highly intelligent and developed, but in the end it's just about survival (Tier 1 SD). Sometimes I wish I literally don't need someone and have no thoughts about girls and all related things.
  14. @Galyna She also paid all my drinks. We are both dutch and it's quite normal to pay your own stuff, but girls treating guys is the opposite of traditional.
  15. @Galyna A friend of mine also told me that. Well besides the texting she paid all the drinks in the second date which I was surprised by and she hugs me very tightly whenever we meet or when I leave. I will have fun tomorrow and I will give an update here if I feel like it.