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  1. I get bombarded with 222 and 2222. It's always quite magical. Don't get too hung up on the meanings of these events though. That's ego land. Focus on that feeling of being connected to Truth and move on.
  2. Don't let awakening be an obstacle that keeps you from living life fully. How can you be an activist if you aren't actively participating in life? Keep following your resonance to Truth. Learn to trust it more and more, and you will start to speak and act from that place. In that way, spirituality becomes your form of activism. But you'll never feel the need to change anything. It happens spontaneously. Joyously. There's no traps there.
  3. Because you want to get rid of the thought. But that is just another thought. And that's how you create this negative feedback loop. In other words resistance to what is. Thoughts are harmless if you see them for what they are. Simple movement. Just let them be. They'll come and go. Look for that which doesn't come and go and stay with it without trying to get rid of anything. Sometimes when you're stuck in such a pattern of thought it can really help to simply state: "I don't care." Not in a denying way. Just simply allow yourself to let go. See where those words lead you.
  4. Thought or no thougt. It makes no difference. Be free of them either way.
  5. The ego is a mechanism that's all about identity and security. So when things start changing too fast it starts to feel frightened because it's losing either one of those. And so, there's ego backlash. A clinging to the old ways which seemed so comfortable. Yes, but this suffering is then the teacher that will relieve this person from his/her shadow. It's all part of the journey. Even figuring out you've been bullshitting yourself for years is growth. The question is, how long will you postpone this realisation/growth? So I don't think it's a bad thing if your intentions are egoic. That's simply the frequency you're operating from. It's better to be honest about it. But if you keep your mind open to being wrong, that will get corrected along the way.
  6. What do you hope love will give you that peace doesn't already have?
  7. "I want to get enlightened now" I want already means you want something other than now. There where enlightenment resides. So first drop that completely. Then take it to its extreme. Sit and experience how it feels to not want anything at all. See the kind of vibe that arises from claiming such a thing. Really try to feel it out. Whatever's happening. You don't care. You don't want it. Keep doing that. Notice how relaxing it is for the mind when for the first time there's nothing you want from it. Whatever it comes up with, you don't care. That is where the transformation happens. In other words, give up completely. Like @ajasatya has stated. Enlightenment won't arise out of a need to fill up a lack. That's the old paradigm. Again, drop it. Or you'll be chasing your tail forever. You can't win. And that's fine. In this new paradigm there's a completely different way of relating to life altogether. And it's based in that feeling that arises when you claim you don't want anything. Paradoxically it means the exact same as I want everything. Hope that helps.
  8. 6 hours of shrooms already feels like a lifetime lol
  9. Yes, that's the power of great spiritual teachers. They'll point you directly to your own inner guidance. Which is always already enlightening you. Seekers will talk to you from their partial perspective. They've experienced something which they then label as for instance "death" and then start telling everybody about how terrifying of an experience that has been for them. And that everybody will have to experience these things in order to grow. But that's not the case at all. Everyone's enlightenment is a completely different story. A completely different life. Never will you hear Rupert Spira or Eckhart Tolle tell you about how terrifying the Truth is. Or how difficult it is to experience it. Because it really isn't. Truth is now. That's the joke. You're already it. It's fine. It was only terrifying for that particular individual because he/she was fighting all the way through their experience. Creating divisions where there weren't. And honestly, that's probably my only criticism of Leo's work. All this talk about how this work will take you yeaaaars. It's creating hurdles where there aren't any. When I listen to spiritual teachers, they'll tell me the Truth is such a simple thing that can be experienced RIGHT NOW. Not years, no right NOW! And that's the entire teaching. It's all about showing you that simplicity. See, it's an invitation to get more and more comfortable with reality. Which is now. Even though, looking back in the end it may have felt like years of hard work. That's not necessarily how it has to be experienced in the moment.
  10. Yes. That's one of the biggest traps I've fallen into myself. Never betray your internal guidance. That's how you end up living a boring, yet very spiritual life completely out of alignment with your deepest desires to create. Don't let this journey towards enlightenment (or any kind of pursuit, really) be separated from the rest of your life. Enlightenment IS your life. You becoming more and more aware of who you are and what you want out of this utterly crazy infinite thing called life IS your particular enlightenment. That's why simple teachings like being in the Now are so important. Sure, go and work on yourself. Grow as much as you can. But always be aware that all of this growing and craving is all happening right now. And that's the entire point of it. That's where it's been happening and that's where it will happen. If you don't know how. Just do whatever feels right. Follow your resonance. Truth is inevitable. You'll eventually end up doing the right things if you simply trust that you will. And if you don't... you'll then learn from that, so that in the future you will. It's that simple. All is well.
  11. @Nahm Haha, no problem man. I was laughing my ass off too. And all of reality with me. @ajasatya Thanks
  12. So, I had two weeks left before my internship starts and my parents were gone for the week and asked me to take care of the cats. Me being the poor student I am decided to turn this week into a kind of retreat. It didn't cost me anything and my parents have quite a luxurious home with a bath and sauna. Sold. I left my laptop at home and I planned to never turn on the TV. I made a schedule filled with all kinds of meditative exercises and planned a couple of trips to some national parks for some walking meditations. I live in a very small country so all of these were like an hour drive at most. This was my first retreat and it was quite the eye opening experience. First of all, turns out I'm a heavy internet addict. I always knew this, but it became so damn apparent during this week. I could constantly feel a tension running through my fingers, in search of an iPad screen or a computer mouse. The best thing about this week was the unobstructed flow of thought and ego. Normally, when something 'negative' arises in the mind, the ego's defence mechanisms start to distract you with all kinds of things. This time, there was no way out so two days in, a lot was already being processed and taken care of. Simple problems were seen simply as that, and were therefor solved immediately instead of put under the rug. I felt very energised at the end of this week. I was actually going to write a full report on this retreat and how powerful it has been but then I tripped on mushrooms, and this entire week turned out to be nothing more than a preparation for that. I can definitely recommend doing a retreat before tripping. You'll be able to handle so much more, simply because you've already let go of so much during the week. Things that would have just cluttered your trip with unnecessary things that you would have been able to solve without mushrooms anyway. This was therefor the perfect setup for really going deep. The trip It has been almost a year since my last one but I finally felt like I integrated what I've learned from the last trip and it was time to move on. It's been a difficult year, albeit with lots of progress in every area of my life. I could also say it has been the most rewarding year of my life. But I could feel I was being slowed down by some roadblocks. Ideas I had about this thing called enlightenment which were keeping me from moving forward. And so, I knew it was time and I drove back home. The day of the trip was hell. But it was precisely what showed me why I needed to do this. I was so fucking afraid. So much fear rose to the surface. Something inside me knew, this one is going to be huge. Probably because I could see how that roadblock I've been fighting for so long was ready to come down. I could feel it's weight and I couldn't hold on anymore. I absolutely knew it. The entire day was filled with conflicted thoughts. I could see how my ego was making concessions and how it was calming itself by 'looking forward to an easy laidback trip with hopefully some fun visuals.' So, I made a tea with mint and ginger and added my own grown mexican mushrooms which have been sitting in the fridge for almost a year now. Like my last trip, I decided to go with 2g's. Now I know for some that may sound like not much, but like I said in my last report, and believe me when I say this; I don't need much. Some would say I might be a spiritually inclined person, and I would probably agree. I get non-dual experiences from smoking weed, and I've had random spontaneous awakenings for the entirety of my life. The thing is, that may sound like it would be easier. But even though you are very sensitive to spirituality, you are equally sensitive to the ego's bullshit. For instance, I'm very easily addicted to something. But then again, I also very easily make choices to overcome those addictions. It's a weird polarity based on extremes, but it kind of creates a balance that works I guess. Anyway, I drank the tea. Last trip, I was perplexed that it already started doing it's thing after about 15 minutes. This time though. My god. I'm sitting in my chair. A lot of fear still there, yet I'm comforted by the idea that I've passed the point of no return. I felt good about my decision to pull through, even though my entire body and ego was quite clearly against the idea. Normally, shrooms take their time to get going. This time, about 5(!!) minutes in, booom. The sunlight from the window starts to become so bright, I had to close the curtains. I sat down. Instantly I felt like I was peaking. My ego being ripped apart straight into this very aggressive form of being. 5 minutes in. Of course I got very afraid at first. If this is what it feels like 5 minutes in, what is going to happen to me an hour or two from now. Jesus Christ, what have I done? 18:00 The first hour was absolutely bonkers. It's nothing I've ever experienced before. It was one big mind fuck. I don't know how to describe it. I couldn't sit still, I was walking through my room at a fast pace constantly. I couldn't stop moving. It felt like all the energy which I would normally label as egoic energy started to play itself out. Like, any resistance stored in my legs would result in my legs walking and walking until it was gone. But there was always more. Like my last trip, the body was moving completely by itself, There was no me anywhere. Just movement. And occasionally something that looked like a thought, completely perplexed. I wasn't even sure who was thinking them anymore. The thoughts were simply a part of the experience. Just as much as sight or hearing, there was thought. But there were many moments where I was completely gone in a stream of whatever the trip was showing to me. Really, these are the things that are so hard to explain. Those who have tripped before will probably know what I'm talking about. That shit you really, really, REALLY can not put to words. God in it's most creative expression. Utterly amazing and terrifying at the same time. My sense of time was ridiculous. Minutes took hours, and hours took minutes. And the numbers on the clock all had their own significance. This trip was not restricted by time. I remember 18:30 taking up almost the entirety of the first hour. It made no sense whatsoever. I pre-rolled 4 joints for this trip, but I only smoked one. And in my experience I was smoking this one constantly. Yet, After three hours of tripping I was still holding that same joint. With only half of it gone. I noticed that every time "I" came back to think about the experience. The entire trip shifted towards whatever I was thinking. This got quite scary at some points. It were these moments that made the first hour a real challenge. I remember thinking about this story about someone that jumped out of the window when on shrooms. It's the reason shrooms got illegal in my country. And of course, the entire trip followed my lead, and everything started to confirm and revolve around that image. For a moment I thought that entire story of someone jumping out of the window has always been about me. And this trip was my beautiful conclusion. My window was wide open, and I really had to convince myself that this wasn't true at all. It was at this point where I could see the risk I was taking. This shit is serious. It's really crazy when whatever you are experiencing is completely out of your control, yet you can only trust whatever it does. Even whatever your body does. That was the first moment where I started to put more trust in the experience. I mean, the moment the trip started I removed my clothes because it felt constricting. I was naked and dancing like a madman through my room. Nothing was in my control, and yet I could feel how this trip respected the fact that I didn't want to go outside running around naked through the streets. It's weird how that works. But the word respect really stuck with me and that was probably the turning point. I remembered how tripping works. Whatever you present it with, it takes it and makes it its own. Create a thought, and it will go with it. So perfectly, that nothing else but that thought will become your reality. Exactly as ordered. I became aware of the power of letting go, whenever I experienced resistance. 19:00 It took about an hour to settle in, but this hour was already the most life changing thing I've ever experienced. I experienced death, life and infinity all happening at the same time. Sometimes terrifying, sometimes beautiful. But always itself. I realised that by having been able to let go I already passed this huge roadblock of fear that has been with me for so long, and that felt great. I felt this masculine energy rising in me and felt a huge sense of power and enjoyment. Like I said, whatever you present to the trip, it will devour it and make it it's own. So this time, my enjoyment of it was magnified by infinity. And it showed. At this point, I started to feel in control. But only because I chose to let go of control. That was the mindfuck. By letting go of control, everything that happens is okay. And again, that okayness will get magnified infinitely by the trip. So it started to do it's thing. The trip started to show what it's capable of. At this point I was so utterly amazed by what I was witnessing I decided to write some things down. These words may look pretty silly right now, but during the trip I could litteraly see how it was being written right in front of my eyes. There was no one. Yet it was me writing it. Like a poem. I kept referring to it as the total trip or the perfect trip, I don't know why I used those words. It felt like I was being shown everything the mushroom was capable of. And so I came to the conclusion that I was witnessing the big secret of the mushroom, which after tripping for ten times, I was now finally capable of experiencing. Like a graduation or something. This became the theme for the next hour. More and more secrets were revealed. The reason why I came to that conclusion was that whatever I was experiencing right now, I would NEVER be able to tell anyone about it. It was that perfect. That magnificent. That no one would ever believe me. These moments were so intimate because of that. I filled my entire room with pieces of paper telling me about this secret, in hope that I would remember. But then I burst out laughing because I knew it was impossible. I was laughing at myself for even trying to convey something that is essentially a secret. And so it can never be told of. Even, right now, I can not remember what I experienced. It's impossible. That's what I realised. This report is the best I can do. But it doesn't come close. Here's what some of those pieces of paper said: That second one was quite important. I really started to recognise how I've been working on this gift for the entire week. The retreat was me working towards this trip. And all day I've been preparing the trip. It was all perfectly orchestrated by me, so that I could experience this gift. I told about this in my last trip, but one of the most important things if you're going to trip on your own is to be your own trip sitter. Before hand, make sure everything is going to be as comfortable as possible for yourself. I remember for instance, I was looking at my kitchen and got the idea of making tea. And then oh my god, everything was already put there for me to make my tea. And then I got hungry, and oh my god there's all kinds of delicious things on the table. And it made me so fucking happy. I wanted to write, there were pencils and paper. Etc... It made me appreciate how I was taken care of. I can't stress this enough. Treat your tripping self like a true king before the trip. It makes all the difference. Because any inconvenience will be magnified as well. Unnecessarily. 20:00 I'm an artist myself. I make music. I would even say, my spiritual path has never really been solely about enlightenment. Maybe it has always been more about my deep longing to experience and elevate my art. But this day the two became one. I have this poster on my wall with my artist name and album art which I put there to motivate myself to release it someday. I remember standing next to the poster and the trip showed just how much of a symbol that thing has become. And how much of it I've not been able to embody just yet. Suddenly, I stood there and I rose my arms and hands towards the poster, like Goku, and I could feel this immense force of energy that flowed towards the symbol. All that I want this symbol to be, it became exactly that. And as the trip continued all this energy I channeled towards that symbol, I felt how it was no different from me. Because of course, all is one. All I have to do now, is do it. Which was the biggest insight of my last trip and this was kind of a reminder of that. I once heard Alan Watts say how a bodhisattva at the end of its journey always takes something back so he can show the people how he has grown. Like the holy grail, as proof of the hero's journey. I feel like my music is exactly that. And I clearly saw how my strife to be an artist has been my enlightenment. In trying to portray the beauty I'm becoming aware of in my art, I'm able to share it and with that help transform the world. That there is my life purpose. And it became clear to me how powerful a symbol can be and become. I then went to my bed and decided to meditate. But the moment I decided that, I already burst out laughing. I couldn't find the difference between meditating and not meditating. 21:00 Here's a transcription of me thinking back to what I just experienced and was still experiencing. This is basically all I could say for the entire hour: holy fuck. holy fuck holy fuck hooooly fuuuuuckkkk HOLY FUCK holy fuck ho ly fu ck etc... At some point I wanted to cry, but I couldn't. There was just this state of awe with my eyes and mouth wide open. I was overwhelmed and simply gave up. No words would come close. Except maybe, holy fuck. But not really. 22:00> After a while I started to really contemplate everything I was experiencing and had experienced. I felt so free and relaxed in my body that these insights came effortlessly. Insights: - The ego is a riddle created by God And the only answer to it, is that there never was a riddle to begin with. But the entire process of realising this is the enlightenment. It's a fucking piece of art. We start our spiritual journey to realise there is none. But during that time, you've learned exactly that. And that process has healed you. - Enlightenment isn't binary. It doesn't exist. Life is enlightenment. Everything is working towards you becoming enlightened. Everything. If you realise this, your search is done. You can now start living this fact. You can now live a life where enlightenment is no problem that needs to be solved. It's all okay. It's all taken care of. You are enlightenment itself. And you are the enlightened one. More and more. Forever. - 100% Okayness is the Absolute Truth. If I had to summarise this entire trip, this would be it. I had my mind blown by this simple truth. I realised, all this time as a spiritual seeker, there seems to be some underlying problem. Ever-present. Something isn't right. Always in search of something. I kept repeating the question; what is the problem? What is my problem? Really, what is the problem? And this was the first time, that I experienced the end of seeking. What was I looking for? Everything is okay. There are no problems. The search is over. I felt this huge relief. And with it, my body instantly transformed. A lot of resistance instantly dropped. Even when you still have an infinite amount of lessons to learn. (And you have) It's okay. That will simply occur when it has to occur. As it always has. Seriously, ask yourself, what are you actually searching for? What if this search itself has been the enlightenment. You've created a problem out of thin air, just so that you may know that your problem is created out of thin air. Haha. That's the one big fucking joke. - God has created you so it can experience / admire itself There is this beautiful unity going on with what some would call your higher self and lower self. In reality, the two are one. Whatever you look at, it's God. And it has created you, so that it can look at itself through you. As itself. As one. That's why the word Love is a beautiful synonym. I know some people on this forum get annoyed by the use of this word. But I will keep using it. It really is the best one we've got. You see, the only way you can let go of your ego, is by being able to trust this force in that it will take care of you. Otherwise, why would you let go? And what does taking care of something mean? Nothing other than Love. You are loved. You are taken care of. Just trust it and let go, so it can take over more and more. God loves it's creation, that's why you can trust it. It's okay. For the next hour I felt so connected to this force. Completely one with it. At love. I kept repeating; I am that. With a big smile on my face. Am I enlightened? I simply can not see the point of chasing after something called enlightenment anymore. That's just creating a new problem that simply isn't there. To me, that's enlightenment. Knowing everything is okay, is itself the force that is enlightening. To some, I guess it means ego death. But that's just the result of your ever growing enlightenment. But again, there's nothing binary about it. There is still ego. Yes. Of course. Why wouldn't there be? This ego is God's way of enlightening me. And it's a beautiful teacher. See, I'm kind of confused by this. Not because I don't get it, but because enlightenment has always been this huge obstacle in the way of actualising myself. And now I'm experiencing it as this utterly simple realisation. So simple that I almost can't believe it. But you see, that's the trick I've been playing. I made it so big, it's become a problem to solve. Instead of a realisation to have. And now when I actually have this realisation I can't believe it. I would love to hear your take on this. I feel like the search is over. At the same time, I feel like I'm the exact same person as before. Just okay with everything. In a completely different frequency. What's next? Life! Finally... This is the big break through I've been waiting for, for years. It's like I've gotten the green light to go out and do my thing. To go out and be that artist. To go out and share my secret with everyone. To go out and share my discoveries. To go out and share all the shrooms. And with that overcoming every single fear there is to overcome. I started this week with the intention to overcome a roadblock, and I end it knowing there never was a roadblock to begin with. And that's how the roadblock has dissolved. Hope you enjoyed the read. Continue being courageous and enjoy your creation! It's all perfectly orchestrated for your own enlightenment. You can trust it. Always. Namasté 🙏🏻
  13. I want to feel connected to its wisdom without it having to teach me anything per se. For example books like the Alchemist. You keep reading until the reading itself becomes meditative. Every word seems to have its purpose in the story. It becomes so real, the reader disappears. That's what I'm after. In non-fiction it's not that different. I love those books where I can't really pinpoint what it is that I've learned, yet from the inside I can feel I'm a changed man. Truth can't be conveyed in words. Therefor, look beyond the words. A great writer knows this.
  14. Art is the language of a sage. Yet there's not a single section even mentioning the word.