eskwire

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Posts posted by eskwire

  1. Posted · Edited by eskwire

    28 minutes ago, Phrae said:

    Are you telling me you did the course and answered these questions and you came up with some blob about writing? Were you doing the course like you're a fucking emperor?

    I love this so much. 

    @Vladz0r You don't have to wait to go to college until you're sure of anything. Waiting to go to school is how people get pregnant, I swear. That's a joke, of course, but many people get lost by waiting and settle. School is part of the exposure and maturation process.

    @Phrae has a point. Give it some time and more thought. It sounds like you are qualifying this whole thing.

  3. Posted

    @Vinsanity You said that very well. Really hit the nail on the head. "I'm so forgiving, I repress all of the naturally occurring feelings that I don't control that happen in conjunction with the thoughts I don't control." The point is compassion. For everyone, including you.

    To me, assertiveness is the skill of meaning what you say and saying what you mean. That doesn't have to be done from a drama queen place. It can be done from a place of understanding and simplicity.

    It's something I marvel at, seeing high functioning people do business and navigate their personal lives. If we are passive aggressive, that's exactly what we're not doing.

    Message me anytime. I'd love an accountability buddy on that. <3

  4. Posted

    Day 8: Beef and Veggie Stew

    Focusing was hard today. My mind wandered a lot.

    Notes:

    • Knowing that I'd be eating mindfully, I dipped out a very small portion compared to what I would normally eat. I feel trapped when I eat mindfully. 
    • I love the taste of onions, but it seems like they make me feel bad. 
    • The oil mixed with water bubbled and glistened at the bottom of the bowl. It was gross. I didn't want to eat it.
    • I wasn't hungry. I ate because it was "time" and to do this assignment. 

    It amazes me just how uncomfortable and trapped I feel paying attention to reality. 

  6. Posted · Edited by eskwire

    Days 5, 6, 7: Failure for Breakfast

    No meals were eaten mindfully on days 5 or 6.  I was traveling to meet with people from an organization I am hoping to get a job with.  All of my meals were eaten socially.  Challenge: How do you eat mindfully in the presence of other people?

    I didn't eat mindfully today as, for some reason, I can't keep food down.  My stomach feels pretty bad and I do feel it in my head.  The gut brain axis is no joke.  Anyway, I'm avoiding mentally dealing with food today.  I feel like shit and anger arises about it all.  This is probably exactly when being mindful is the most important...but I'm avoiding...

    I'm tired of eating.  My system is so jacked that the vast majority of times I eat, I feel spacey and fuzzy-headed right after.  But, I also crave eating really regularly.  It's been my coping mechanism and way to avoid the VOID since I was a little human.

    I felt the best when I got a stomach bug and couldn't eat for 6 days.  I looked so much better.  I glowed, I was happy.  It was a forced fast and it was awesome.

    Putting some thought to it...this is really key.  I have to heal and improve my health if I want to unleash my potential.  I took this VERY seriously a couple of years ago.  I had serious standards about what food would go in my body.  Where did that mindset go?  

    Try again tomorrow.

  7. Posted · Edited by eskwire

    @schmitzy This is a very relatable problem for me.  Because I spent my twenties being a big disaster, I picked up a lot of stray cat friends who totally didn't have their shit together.  It's ok to outgrow people.  Actually, it's a good sign.

    First, why are you censoring yourself with her?  Most people censor themselves out of fear.  What are you afraid of?  That's a good moment for some reflection.  Maybe if you were honest, something good would come of it.  Your friendship might end (sounds like that might be a big relief to you), or maybe she'll have a come to Jesus moment and turn her life around.  If you are censoring yourself, your life is blocked by ego.  That's living out of alignment with nature/the universe/god/whatever you wanna call it.

    Second, lame relationships are lame.  There is a saying...the difference between who you are today and who you will be in 5 years is the books you read and the people you surround yourself with.  

    This video discusses red flags in romantic relationships, but I have decided to apply them to ALL relationships, including friendships.

     

  9. Posted · Edited by eskwire

    @Mrkvn8 I think we just could take notes on all the videos and compile a list of the bitter pills. 

    1. If you feel bad, you have low quality consciousness.

    2. If you resent someone or feel violated, you just don't understand something.

    3. If you get cheated on, you need to just understand that it happens.

    4. You maybe could have prevented it.

    5. If you aren't happy, it's because you don't really want to be.

    6. If you are depressed, it's because your psychology sucks.

    7. If you think you are a hippie (level green), you may actually just be a redneck (level blue).

    8. You are responsible for everything that happens to you and your reaction to it.

    9. You have no free will tho.

    10. You don't exist.

    11. You're a sneaky liar and if you think you aren't, then you're lying.

    12. If your schedule's overflowing, it's cuz you're doing stupid shit.

    13. You gotta quit tv and unhealthy food. No workarounds or excuses. Sorry.

    14. Relationships are usually a distraction.

    15. Your family and friends are probably seriously messing up your shit by being bad influences.

    16. Your family and friends don't really want you to get better because you're messing up their homeostasis. 

    17. Anything you want to accomplish takes thousands of hours of work.

    18. You may work on something for years and need to throw it away if your intuition tells you to.

    19. All of your beliefs are wrong and need to be thrown away.

    20. Rape, murder, and war are part of reality and you can't "should" them away.

    Hehe Leo is a bitter pill pusher. Every video has them and I think they're all important. It's all about stripping your ego. 

  15. Posted

    @Peace and Love Something recommended in therapy circles is called "mirror work."

    Quiet spot with no distractions + a mirror. Look at yourself and into your eyes. Repeat phrases like, "I love you, [your name]." "I accept you and love you exactly as you are." etc. 

    You can do this for any length of time HOWEVER I cannot recommend enough that you do a long session of one hour. I believe doing that one time makes a 10× bigger difference than 5 mins a day for a month.

    When I did a one hour session, it even got kind of sexual toward the end, which I never expected. Sorry if that's TMI, but it was also AWESOME. 

    Give it a shot! I think it makes a big shift in the issue. 

  16. Posted

    Day 4: Burger and Fries

    I've been craving burgers often lately since allowing myself to eat bread after a 3 year hiatus. This isn't a great routine meal so, I was hoping eating it mindfully might help with cravings.

    Notes:

    • I'm typing this as I'm waiting to see if there is ever a feeling of fullness. Did I break my fullness signal by overriding it for so long?
    • Compared to kale, these flavors were actually quite bland.
    • The warmth of the fries was nice. 
    • Smells weren't prominent. I had to stick my nose into the food to get any. Dull sense of smell? 
    • Left more fries behind than ever in my life. I clean my plate 95% of the time.
    • White salt's kinda gross. 

    Again, eating is boring. No wonder I've been doing it unconsciously.

    A lot of my observations are about liking/disliking. I am not going to resist that now. Maybe later. 

  18. Posted

    @Martin123 RIGHT?! It's hard for me to take life in steps because I want to make huge JUMPS...but, I'm old enough now to see that doesn't always work out so well.

    When you push yourself to jump off the high dive when you can barely dog paddle, you may give up on swimming altogether.  

    Not sure why people are shoving Enlightenment work down your throat on this thread. #dogma

  19. Posted

    @OhHiMark Hi, Mark. 9_9 Yeah, this seems at first like a paradox but it's not. They are the same.

    Jung says to change, you first must accept yourself. Why? Because if you don't accept yourself, you are going to continue doing the neurotic stuff that got you the bad results you have now.

    If you are mindful, like truly mindful, you will eat better. You will feel how good yoga feels. You will be conscious of how dumb tv is and turn it off. You will read a room, understand situations, and have influence among your peers because you will see what is needed with more accuracy. Also, if you are mindful, you will feel happier. 

    Being mindful, accepting, and happy will result in change. 

  23. Posted · Edited by eskwire

    5 hours ago, eskwire said:

    The Heart of the Revolution by Noah Levine discusses forgiveness as a moment to moment letting go rather than the hard and fast, "I forgive you because I know shit happens and I also totally forget about it forever." That's unrealistic. You can feel resentful one moment and forgiving the next. What's wrong with that? Maybe with time and constantly letting the grudge rise and fall, it will die because you're not feeding or resisting it.

    My last bf had a Jesus complex and reminds me a zen devil. He judged me for not "FULLY" forgiving my parents for my childhood. He said that "working on it" was not forgiveness and having any remaining negative emotions ever meant that I had not forgiven. Many people see it this way. I think it's a childish and simplistic idea. I also felt that it was devoid of compassion for me. 

    Anyway! To me, forgiveness is a state of NOT feeling a grudge and that is temporary. It may last for years at a time, but it's a phenomenon like any other. 

    I'm smiling because, after writing this, I checked out @Leo Gura's latest video and it was about anger.

    What he says is true. We need to understand that shit happens. We also need to understand that we are labeling something as "shit," and maybe it's not said shit. :)

    Like he said, he's laying out an ideal. So, what's the reality? The reality is you can understand and have compassion one day. Then, maybe on another day when you're tired or physically drained, you forget your understanding.

    I save all of my Byron Katie work in my journal. I often have to look back at what I wrote when resentment comes back up because...well, I forgot the great insight I had. The anger I mentally repeated 1000 times got more neuropathways than the smart, compassionate breakthrough I had one time. 

    This is how forgiveness can be temporary. It will most likely be that way until you are suuuuper developed. 

    My concern about notions of forgiveness is that it can become neurotic. Was my ex bf being helpful when he was chastising me to be more forgiving? Never even asking what had happened to help me understand it? Am I being helpful when I feel guilty and ashamed for not being more forgiving?

    Our own resentments are something to be understood and treated with compassion. They will change and maybe even disappear over the course of a process. 

  24. Posted · Edited by eskwire

    Day 3

    Already skipped Day 2.

    Food: Bowl of kale with pumpkin seeds.

    Notes:

    • Leaves have veins. Staring at them made me feel very connected to all life. All our veins. 
    • I kept wanting to put another bite in my mouth before finishing one. 
    • There was a compulsion to count. Number of bites and seconds spent savoring the sensory input. 
    • It took a lot more power from my jaw to chew this food than say eggs and bread.
    • There were tiny scratches on the bottom of the bowl I had never seen before. If asked before today, I would have said there were no scratches. I thought it was smooth.
    • The pumpkin seeds were various sizes and shades with spots. The kale leaves varied in their greennes. My mental image of these things was an average. A patch of continuous green with another patch of a different green for the pumpkin seeds. Inside a perfectly white and unsratched bowl. 

    It's funny how much of a cartoon my image of the food was in my mind. Like I have been eating Clip Art my whole life.

    I also noticed how boring eating was to me. This is ironic, because I have been eating for entertainment and escape for years. The activity itself is boring, though. Why did I find this fun? What was my mind adding to the simplicity of this activity to make me desire to do it so much?

    I remember one sentence from a book I read 5 years ago called The Miracle of Mindfulness. It said, if you want to practice mindfulness, do the dishes. 

    So I did. I felt the heat from the water on my hands and the texture of the rag. It was nice. Cleaning is enjoyable to me. It's a lot of touching and I like touching. 

  25. Posted

    The Heart of the Revolution by Noah Levine discusses forgiveness as a moment to moment letting go rather than the hard and fast, "I forgive you because I know shit happens and I also totally forget about it forever." That's unrealistic. You can feel resentful one moment and forgiving the next. What's wrong with that? Maybe with time and constantly letting the grudge rise and fall, it will die because you're not feeding or resisting it.

    My last bf had a Jesus complex and reminds me a zen devil. He judged me for not "FULLY" forgiving my parents for my childhood. He said that "working on it" was not forgiveness and having any remaining negative emotions ever meant that I had not forgiven. Many people see it this way. I think it's a childish and simplistic idea. I also felt that it was devoid of compassion for me. 

    Anyway! To me, forgiveness is a state of NOT feeling a grudge and that is temporary. It may last for years at a time, but it's a phenomenon like any other.