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About Kazman

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  1. what you're describing sounds like every woman to me. If guys could avoid it they would because it would be easier for them if their partners were men who looked like pornstars... but that's not what relationships are about, so you be you, it's all great.
  2. I was with my friend. Neither of us had prior experience, but we've done acid and shrooms together. I used a milligram scale, an oil pipe and a torch lighter. Pure chemical, bright yellow powder. We began by doing 3 sets of wim hof breathing together and talked about what we wanted from the experience. Him: getting a break from the everyday scramble (as usual) Me: wanting to deepen my understanding of reality, becoming a clearer communicator of higher consciousness, bridging high and low, becoming better at embodiment, loving myself and healing myself. (as usual) …I actually didn't go through all of that list with him but I went through it with myself before taking off. First try. I wanted to go first so I sat down in a comfy armchair in his kitchen. We had measured up 10 milligrams as the starting dose. In the beginning I tried to inhale as soon as I lit the lighter but after a while we figured out that you can wait a while until smoke arises. I have been fantisizing about smoking DMT since I saw the spirit molecule 8 years ago or so, so it felt like a big moment. It didn't feel as romantic as I had envisioned it, I was just there in his regular kitchen with an oil pipe in my hands that made me feel like a total crack-addict or something. I was really scared and didn't know what to expect as I took my first hits. The first hits didn't affect me much, I felt a slight numbness and thought I heard a sound like from an electrical wire come on. It was almost like I could've gotten the effects from just inhaling regular air, just from holding my breath for as long as I could. It also felt a bit like nitrous oxide. I waited a while between the hits during this first round. The second and third hit felt a bit stronger but nothing huge. After that, the pipe was fairly empty and I told my friend I would wait a bit so that he could go. We filled the pipe with another 20 milligrams. He tried it out but he is not used to smoking and has very sensitive lungs, he started to cough heavily as soon as he started to inhale and couldn't retain any smoke at all. Personally I was prepared for it to feel a lot worse, it almost didn't sting my lungs at all. I said that I wanted to give it another go and he was like: "yeah you HAVE to. I want SOMETHING to happen today, you're going to have to venture into the unknown for both of us." I think most of the 20 milligrams was left in the pipe so I stuck with that and sat down in the armchair again. Since the first round gave me so light effects and no unpleasantness I was more determined now. Second try. My friend held the lighter and I held the pipe. Everytime I exhaled he immediately lit up another hit. After two hits I gave him the pipe so he could hold that as well. I recommend this to anyone trying this, it allowed me to focus more on inhaling and surrendering to my experience as I held my breath. By the end of my third hit I started to feel things coming on fairly strong. For a short while I forgot that I was sitting in a chair holding my breath. Then I exhaled and as soon as I did I was reminded of what was going on since I heard a lighter going off near my face. I was like "damn, you're really not letting me rest" and thought it was a bit funny, he couldn't tell where I was in the process. I took one breath of oxygen between each hit, and then again I filled my lungs with as much smoke as I could and held it in as long as I could. Now on this fourth hit… It started to become evident that this was something quite different from nitrous oxide. I hardly had any visuals whatsoever, all I saw when I closed my eyes was blackness. …But even as I say that, I did see things. It was like a presence appeared in front of me. Very faintly, like a shadow figure, hard to distinguish. I didn't feel scared at all, it still felt like it might as well have been my imagination. I remembered again how I was in the arm chair and I exhaled. As soon as I did so, my friend provided me with one more hit and I took it while I tried to signal to my friend that this was it for me. I eased back in the chair and retained the air and away I went. Things got psychedelic. I was in another kind of space. A multidimensional space. It felt like infinite corridors, the gateways between all dimensions perhaps, in limbo. Everything had a dark brown tint, very murky. The endless corridors moved like the arms of an octopus. On top of that, all of reality was folding in on itself continuously, in various ways, without ever losing any volume. I experienced a wave of terror that I'm very familiar with, it's like a wall of fear that I need to break through on every trip before I expand into infinite awareness / ego death. I thought to myself something along the lines of: "no, is this really happening? This is going to be challenging, I don't like this" Then, more thoughts came, and even though I perceived them just as I do with my regular thoughts, something felt very different about their quality, it was like I was in telepathic communion with the figure who I had sensed earlier, she was still present in some form although not perfectly visible. It felt like a female presence, not overly warm and loving, she was very neutral and asexual in that sense, but something still tells me it was more of a woman than anything else. She said: "yes, this is what happens. And you KNOW this, because you've been here before, and you wanted to come here again" (she was referring to various peaks on previous trips) And I was like: "Yeaah, I know…" And she continued: "And you know that you KNOW everything you NEED to know, you've got all the resources and support you need to do what you need to do, and the idea you have that you need to somehow gather strength from someplace else is just a symptom of you not trusting yourself…. And you already know that as well." And I was like: "yeah I know" (really, none of this was new to me, but super awesome reminders nonetheless) Shortly after that, I started to sense my body again, I was back in the chair in my friends kitchen. I had been away for 2-3 minutes. If somebody asked me, that's what I would have guessed. So I didn't get lost in infinite fractal patterns outside of time, it was more like the curtains were opened and I could peak in for a while and then get back. I felt like that was a perfect introduction so I left it at that. A part of me was disappointed that I got more of Terence McKennas "sense of other" and less of Martin Ball/Leo's "All is you", but I'm definitely not complaining, it was fucking cool. The greatest mindfuck was that I came back so quickly and felt fully normal, really, that's what amazes me when I think about it. Just like I heard in other accounts, I felt like it was ME going somewhere, fully alert and present, not as disorienting as my ventures with mushrooms or acid. When I think back to those experiences it's harder to distinguish exactly what happened, since the experiences are so long and affect me in so many ways, with a much longer ramp-up and come-down. Another interesting detail is that at this time, my friend was looking after somebody else's cat, and the cat was with us in the kitchen. It was a very cat-like cat, minding it's own business and not caring about us at all. But apparently, around the time of my third and fourth hit, that cat got super intrigued and came up and seriously stared at me. It felt very nice to have my friend have my back and sort of forcibly push me into the multidimensional realms. It was beautiful since he is not at all as deeply into enlightenment, spirituality, metaphysics and epistemology as I am, he's just a very open minded and real guy. But I felt like that deepened our spiritual connection in some meaningful way. Now I have a better grasp of how this substance works and how it affects me, I'll ramp it up slightly more next time.
  3. I have never felt sexually drawn to pain in any way, but I had some interesting effects I wanted to share with this forum. Me and my wife went to a BDSM workshop and learned how to spank each other. I quickly saw the potential for mindful awareness and consciousness work to be combined with this. Enduring pain has been used in many religious sects in their rituals for purification, I've practiced doing ice baths and cold showers for a while and seen the potency of that. Anyway, receiving a powerful spanking just at the limit for how much pain I can endure for about 20 mins resulted in a ridiculous euphoria and emotional release and sense of well being that I've only experienced on psychedelics before. We're talking laughing and shaking like a maniac for minutes. Shit is real. I recommend the book Recapture the Rapture by Jamie Wheal, some parts of it talks about BDSM as a tool for healing and growing. Also, this wasn't sexual for me, I know it is for some. Sexually I think I'm more of a sadist, in the sense that it can sexually turn me on. Anyway, I never made the connection between these practices and healing/purifying/doing consciousness work before, putting some puzzle pieces together here for you to explore. My work here is done.
  4. I think Martin Ball's book nondual liberation is a great guide for energy practice. I've used his framework mostly for energy therapy on weed, it creates very high states of consciousness, like on the same dosage there's night and day if I use his method or if I just walk around and talk to people and interact with shit. I feel like it's also progressively opening up my energy channels, healing me on deep levels, aligning me with my higher self, call it what you will.
  5. Hi all again! So to follow up on this topic: what are your recommendations for me? Leo talks about 50 psychedelic trips in his video about psychedelics. In my case, do you think one ganja-night qualifies as one trip? About a week ago I smoked a pipe and had maybe my strongest awakening so far, it got me crying and laughing and shocked me several times. I feel like it's happening without substance as well, meditation, inquiry, it's all getting super-boosted, I feel more like I'm channeling things and that I have more power to release suffering since I notice it much quicker when it occurs. I'm almost afraid to keep smoking. Should I stick to a once a week commitment for growth and understanding, or chill for a while ? I don't wanna stop but I'm afraid of the powerful effect it has over me. I also worry that it's making my brain foggy, but it could also be a lack of mental activity that actually brings me MORE clarity. I'm feeling kind of alone and scared in all of this... as we all are. Thank you for your support.
  6. thanks everybody! Ha, this thread took off like none other, I’m very pleased. @Leo Gura I’ve read that book but didn’t think too much of his anxiety attack. Just re-read that passage, seems like his ego was struggling through its toss into the great abyss. Here it is, for fun: MY LIFE HAD BEEN ALTERNATELY inching or leaping upward: I was proud of my job on the Smothers Brothers’ show. I had some cash. My sex life was abundant and selfish. Things were rolling along nicely when I experienced a crushing psychological surprise. One night I was off to the movies with my friends John McClure, George McKelvey, and his wife, Carole. We were going to see Mel Brooks’s The Producers, and we decided to smoke a little pot, which had become a dietary staple for me. So now I was high. In the car on the way to the theater, I felt my mind being torn from its present location and lifted into the ether. My discomfort intensified, and I experienced an eerie distancing from my own self that crystallized into morbid doom. I mutely waited for the feeling to pass. It didn’t, and I finally said, “I feel strange.” We got out of the car, and John, George, and Carole walked me along Sunset Boulevard in the night. I decided to go into the theater, thinking it might be distracting. During the film, I sat in stoic silence as my heart began to race above two hundred beats per minute and the saliva drained from my mouth so completely that I could not move my tongue. I assumed this was the heart attack I had been waiting for, though I wasn’t feeling pain. I was, however, experiencing extreme fear; I thought I was dying, and I can’t explain to you why I just sat there. After the movie, I considered checking myself in to a hospital. But if I went to the hospital, I would miss work the next day, which might make me expendable at CBS, where my career was just launching. My friends walked me along Sunset again, and I remember humming, “Whenever I feel afraid, I hold my head erect and whistle a happy tune” from The King and I. I spent the night on George and Carole’s couch in absolute terror. I kept wondering, “Am I dying?” but was more concerned with the question “Do I have to quit my job?” I survived the night and struggled in to work the next morning. I was not relieved, but I was calmer; I confessed to Bob Einstein what had happened and found that as soon as I discussed the symptoms, they arose again with full intensity. However, I somehow maintained my implacable façade. The cycle was unbreakable. Any relief was followed by the worry of recurrence, which itself provoked the symptoms. After a few weeks, a list of triggers developed. I couldn’t go back into a movie theater, and I didn’t for at least ten years. I never smoked pot again, or got involved in the era’s preoccupation with illicit substances (I’m sure this event helped me avoid the scourge of cocaine).
  7. I'm in a Gurdjieff group. The movements are an important tool with lots of power. I think it is a good path for working on embodiment in a householder setting. I think a lot of followers are misled and lost in concepts and fixed ideas. Also, there is too low emphasis among fourth way peeps in general on understanding the substance of reality. But if you read Gurdjieff's source material, it's there.
  8. Hi! After having powerful experiences on heroic doses of psilocybin mushrooms, weed has gotten seriously psychedelic for me. As long as I take a moderate dose and not a really low one, I can get into fractal energetic yoga, and I realize that everything are just appearances and stories that are timeless and non-existent. It feels like insanity, but it's an insanity that realizes that the sanity it contradicts was just an illusion that never occured in the first place, which led me to start calling it Insanity with a capital I. In my day to day consciousness I don't feel all too enlightened which is why I find it remarkable that a little bit of sativa can get me so far. Is anybody else having seriously spiritual awakenings from moderate doses of marijuana? Some links: This is the thread about my heroic dose that I think opened me up to reach these stages: This is what I mean when I say fractal energetic yoga:
  9. is deep meaningful unconditional lifelong love possible between man and woman?
  10. @Dumuzzi Thank you so much Dumuzzi, fascinating so far. Maybe somebody asked this and I missed it, and that case I apologize in advance. Are you working with sexual continence as part of your practice? How crucial would you say it is for energetical advancement? What one book would you recommend on kundalini? Thanks again!
  11. Authentic Emotional Desire for spiritual growth for its own sake is a sign of great spiritual progress. It doesn't manifest until you have gathered enough energy in your astral body and created a continous connection with your higher centers. Until then... pray for consciousness and do what you can. Seek to see yourself as you truly are and let the horrible answer motivate you.
  12. A couple of days ago he posted this then took it down. He hints that he’ll commit suicide and says his own adress. I really hope he gets through this alive.