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  1.’s-sickness-initiation-and-the-calling/ This illness is cured only when the one stricken surrenders to the will of spirit, faces his or her fear of death and cures that personal madness or illness. The individual forges working relationships with their helping spirits and gains shamanic power in the process only when they find meaning in the crisis and his or her own cure. As a result of this passage, the individual can work with the fears and madness in others having now crossed that emotional and psychological territory within the self. (I don't want this, but there's nothing else I can do but surrender to it... I can't just turn back from what I've seen... so Kali's my guide, I guess. It makes sense. Really does... but there's no place in this world for me if I choose this path, but if I don't surrender I'm just gunna get sicker and sicker... )
  2. (Sorry for spamming this - getting some information together to show professionals/other "shamans" in the hopes they can help me/ explain to me what I am/ guide this experience - I'll be sending them this link) Applicable information: "The term "shaman sickness" is not one that you'll generally hear outside of most spirit-worker circles, and that's because we have only relatively recently learned to identify it again, after centuries of not understanding what it is that happens to shamans at the beginning of their careers. The term denotes a period of illness (often seriously life-threatening in some way) which is caused by the Gods and wights in order to completely remake someone and turn them into a shaman. The phenomenon of shaman sickness is found in tribal cultures around the world, with remarkably similar sets of traumas. It is the hallmark of the classic shaman in many parts of the globe." "To be called to become a shaman is generally equivalent to being afflicted with hysteria; then the accepting of the call means recovery. There are cases of young persons who, having suffered for years from lingering illness, at last feel a call to take up shamanistic practice and by this means overcome the disease ...." "At last I became so seriously ill that I was on the verge of death; but when I started to shamanize I grew better; and even now when I do not shamanize for a long time I am liable to be ill." "The Chukchee call the preparatory period of a shaman by a term signifying "he gathers shamanistic power". For the weaker shamans the preparatory period is less painful, and the inspiration comes mainly through dreams. But for a strong shaman this stage is very painful and long; in some cases it lasts for one, two, or more years." (For those who think "magical powers" are "fun fun fun") There's no need to feel like you're not as good a spirit-worker if you haven't gone through shaman sickness. Rather, you should feel grateful, because it kills people, sometimes quite literally. Every tribal culture whose spirit-workers go through such a spirit-triggered ordeal agree that not everyone survives it, and there is an attrition rate. Not going through this condition means that you retain the ability to make choices with your life. It might also mean that your "wiring" isn't such that it could survive the transition, and the Gods know best about these things. Be grateful that you are still alive, and do the best work that you can with what you have. One of the telltale marks of the Death Road is that if modern medical science manages to cure one of the illnesses, it will either recur in a more virulent form, or something just as horrid will take its place. Shaman sickness is remarkably resistant to modern treatments. I walked the Death Road. Between a combination of medication-resistant lupus... The Other Road is the road of Madness. On this road, the death is of the personality that came before, and it can come about through a period of mental illness. The mental instability during shaman sickness is especially difficult, because the individual is legitimately experiencing contact with unseen (to most others, that is) entities - and they are also seeing and hearing them through a veil of insanity. Figuring out what is real and what isn't can seem nearly impossible, especially since any mental health professionals that they consult are likely to be less than helpful. They may concur that there are brain chemistry problems, but they will neither believe in any of the spirit-contact nor understand the need to see the illness through to some end, whatever that is. Psychiatric medication may be prescribed, and the individual may end up in the hospital. In some cases, the spirits may drive the sufferer away from medical help if they think that it will retard the process, even if this has them sleeping on park benches for a while. In other cases, the sufferer accedes to the wishes of mental health personnel, but it doesn't necessarily fix the problem. What the spirit-worker going down this road desperately needs is a sane, reasonable person that they trust who shares the same or at least a similar world view to them to be their reality check. This "reality check" should give them feedback as to their apparent sanity based on their behavior as a human being, not based on some socially acceptable scale of belief. They should understand that talking to the unseen or doing odd ritual behaviors is, for this spirit-worker, not evidence of insanity. (That "smell of death" is difficult for most non-Sighted people to interpret, and they may end up associating it mentally with "evil" or "wrongdoer" or just "creepy". Even if they are lawful and upright people who never harm anyone, people may just "feel" after being around them for five minutes that this is someone dangerous or harmful.) That's because shamans don't ever really come all the way back. One thing that must be stressed is that shaman sickness is a long process. It's not some sort of weekend-long epiphany after which the individual claims to be completely changed. It is long, slow, and agonizing. It can last months or, more often, years. It can also recur if the Gods and spirits feel that you have reached a level where more work needs to be done. If you're mired in shaman sickness, understand that it is going to take its own time. Lay in supplies as if for a long siege, and the best supplies are patience, devotion, and doing as much spirit-work as you can manage, given your situation. We do know this about shaman sickness: It is triggered by the Gods and wights, and once it starts, even they cannot stop it. It has to go through to its end, whatever that may be. The knowledge doesn't come from people, it comes from solitude and suffering.
  3. If you're wondering if it will be guaranteed then it will less likely to be guaranteed, I am thinking, but not 100 percent sure. Following the smallest voice in your heart. Intuition. That is who/what/it/enlightenment/observer/god/universe you should seek, but don't seek with the intent of finding anything, seek only because the voice in your heart has spoken up. That's very important. But also you need to seek. But not enlightenment, you're essentially honing your "little voice", or "intuition". It gives you your personalized path. It's a really weird grey area... I don't think that aspect of it ever ends, really. But maybe that's just for me... maybe it would end for you? You know? I wish I knew how to guide people to this, but... it would just be from my path and not yours. Hmmn... Like, for instance. Your "little voice" might want to try food slowly, to really taste the flavors. Listen to that. Then the voice might want to know something else. The little voice might say, "I don't feel enough in my body." Then sit with sensation. And just sort of follow it around, for whatever suits your life experience. Maybe this will help a bit: But even this is more for my own path. Hmmmn... Perhaps after this I won't mention Enlightenment to anyone, it would be harmful. Maybe... idk... (It didn't stick for me, kind of half and half right now)
  4. I guess I never really knew this was a thing. I should follow it... I should let go and follow it, shouldn't I?... I hope it knows what it's doing... Of course it does... *sigh* Ok.. ...It's in your blood, you can't deny it, even if you tried... A Way of Life By utilizing the shaman's time-tested methodology, we can awaken from the consensus slumber of culture at large, and it then becomes possible to personally experience reunion with unlimited power as well as connection with a mysterious, god-like mind... We then know with certainty that no holy words or books, no secret ceremonies or rituals, no spiritual leaders or gurus or faiths can do this for us. Once the higher evolutionary functions are triggered within us, some mysterious predetermined schedule is set into motion, activating a program that cannot be given to us by any outside agency. This is because most of us already have it. "I find genuine shamans in the most desperate people who contact me for help, the ones who have tried everything and seen other healers who could not do anything for them. As one of the shamans I have been mentoring put it, "genuine shamans are in so deep shit they don't care about titles, they just want help." The distinctive energy, is that of the Death gate... Shamans live with one foot in both worlds and part of that is quite literal, having a portal to the underworld right inside us. It is situated directly under the heart chakra, (it is a scary manifestation of unconditional love) and where the heart is warm, the energy of the death gate is cold fire
  5. @Nazar Can you explain about how you managed it?
  6. I don't know... I think it's always there but people just don't see it. And then when they do, maybe then they know that they've always been that way? And then some forget, and remember again? And maybe some never forget? And there are different variations and different forms. Maybe for one it is an experience and for another it isn't?? And different life circumstances, too... The observer, but without a veil. Veils are personal constructs. So... there is no way to teach one person themselves. Some will look and some won't. And so some will become enlightened and some won't.
  7. I used to have an idea, now I'm not so sure. So far my list is: not dead/vegetable state, animal, child, psychopath, also not interested in chicks Like, Pretty eyes... Someone with a good sense of humor and who knows that deep down at heart I'm just a little one. Child at heart. Always. Adventure. Good judgement. Doesn't poke fun at my expense, unless it's genuinely well meaning. A calming presence. Beyond that, idk. *shrugs*
  8. I haven't had the full awakening yet, just started reading about it recently. I need to get healthier first, because intuition is telling me that it's going to be very very very intense. So far, there have been slight tinglings shooting up from the base of my spine to about my neck, rarely to the top of my head. I understand theoretically how it should work and have the option of going all the way when that energy is present. Not right now though, because it isn't aligned with me - but during those times when it is, I could go all the way. But I'm not strong enough right now. As I type this, I put on this song for the first time... and what does she tell me? *sigh* She's almost here again, but not quite because I'm typing this.
  9. @Aware I've just sort of let the representation go for now. I did a days worth of research on her but it's as you say the more you identify with a certain image the farther away the truth gets. Like you said, this representation is from my own life experiences and therefore no one else could really understand unless they have experienced it themselves. These are all the hints that I have been following, I just put them together. Already starting to over identify with it, the ego is back completely. I was misinterpreting what it was because I assumed that "Kali" was the Trickster archetype, identifying her with a name. Just like right now. This is just for fun: Okay, I've had my fun.
  10. @cetus56 Damn, that's intense! @Soulbass I'll try to explain clearer a little bit more later, I'm really not sure how to and tired so my thoughts aren't at their best. Here's what I've got so far: I was on Facebook and an article came up talking about this being the year of Goddess Kali, beginnings and endings - the year of number 1, and it seemed right up my alley, so I reposted it and this image came up - and sometimes this unified void entity appears randomly, but not through meditation or anything really - it is more like a guide that has shown up without me knowing. We are coming to an understanding and awareness of one another, it knows I need it's presence. And I have seen, and felt the presence of this so so many times in different forms. It speaks to me, and simultaneously is me, and has been dissecting me in a very painful process - but is also love? Idk how to explain. And when I saw her, a lot of pieces fit together. It was like she was saying, "Hi. It's me. I'm looking at you." Now I'm doing research and it's really all fitting together. I'm not really a seeker, it's more like these experiences seek me at random times. She's been there in nature, dreams, music, the void (death), formless thought, love, intuition, art - specifically flow states- those my various experiences so far. I've also had dreams of my counterpart, who I will probably find and fully recognize after I wake up - still immersed in egoic delusion though. It gets easier. It's hard though. Thanks! Aside from Ferngully and ADGTH tracks, that presence has appeared in each one of these as well, the latest one, presence telling me it will be waiting for me when I am able to let go. I wrote this down in my journal after it appeared, maybe it would be helpful for other's enlightenment: Some things to remember: You prefer a childish approach - love, gratitude, humility You cannot be labeled, you are me, the Universe, everything Don’t ask for anything from you / no attachment Don’t seek you out, you will show up when you choose to You appear in the present moment, without thought I love you Thank you
  11. Yeah... it's pretty outside the box.
  12. @AlwaysBeNice Yeah, I've learned that lesson from experience of her, or it, or whatever to explain what it is is a nameless thing. Kali is representational of the loving void. And more than that. I didn't even look her up, she came to me. Just there... looking at me. The same phenomenon in my post on the Enlightenment page. Whatever this is, I don't think it's Enlightenment. This is. This is, This IS.
  13. Did some research on her, sounds like this what I'm looking for. Check it out. Like, idk much about Hinduism but that sounds pretty accurate huh?