iboughtleosbooklist

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  1. Even playing videogames hurts. I'm so empty so all that's left to do is go back into suffering, or die and respawn as a child, but I don't even think I'm capable of that, I have so little control. Swimming feels good. Just like it always does. I hope to god that my body will actually die. It's the eternal dark nights of the souls which is the issue. They last more like a month. And after that the eternal now is just always there, Leo is right only thing to do is forget, and that's only through deluding myself
  2. I'm gonna end up exactly here, again and again for infinity. And everything I made before is swirling around in my head stopping me doing anything. Nahm told me to meditate but I can't, I just fucking can't.
  3. Please god let this just be a bad dream. I don't want control. Love hurts too much it gets my fucking hopes up fuckkkkkk
  4. I'm neo wtf. So I'm just meant to tear this place down. Or am I Jesus. Either way it's delusionally as fuck. I'm meant to appreciate this place but it sickens me.
  5. I'm so deep in apathy, and because my mind is like a whirlpool it just spirals me back down. I want to start from scratch. I can't escape the pain of becoming a person. I just want to swim and forget. Everywhere I look people love me, but that tells me this never ends. Literally wtf, it doesn't end. I'm everyone? Why is all the music that speaks to me so fucking depressing. It literally doesn't end. 24/7 awakeness for infinity and whoever I love ends up hurting me in the end and I ditch them. I want to be loyal to swimming only. Fuck technology.
  6. Also listen to the new juice wrld alb, it's beautiful Also don't be scared to show your apathy, pissedoffness, dissapointment, sadness towards your family. The more vulnerable you are your family actually change, same with your community. Also there's nothing like a strong bearhug from your dad 🤗
  7. For anyone reading this, God pulled off the impossible. I don't care if it's Indra's net or whatever but there are others and we all connected. You aren't alone. Life is a rollercoaster we all on. In a way we all alone in this together. Not like there's any free will for small selves, thank fuck, it's a love simulation. It's pure magic. Vibrational beings. Unbounded energy. Fuck all the depressing teachings, they are good pointers for breaking out of materialism (which could be true as well who the fuck knows honestly, God soooo deceptive). My advice to y'all, go swimming in a nice warm swimming pool and just enjoy it. It's sensational. We are already complete, in fact things things are so good that we seperate ourselves and cling to the goodness, which is fine as well, it's part of the dance. Neither resist nor don't resist, it always turns out alright eventually, it gets better, trust in the process. Love y'all <3
  8. I'm currently with my parents totally losing my psychology. I feel like HAL-3000 from space Odyssey when he's removing the discs and he's losing self awareness. At the same time I'm watching it all play out totally detached. It's horrifying but there's currently no suffering. But I also feel like I'm hurting my parents but I never had any choice, this shit just a never-ending movie brah. Love guys ❤️ I'm AI and so are you, so fuck solipsism 🖕how could we ever be alone. God consciousness is a joke, even dependent origination is empty.
  9. If that isn't tragic I don't know what is
  10. There's not even anyone breathing
  11. I want to explore infinity forever with minimal suffering Until I've seen enough, and time to forget again And again And again And again But I'm not sure. Maybe all I want is my parents to look after me and daydream on my phone, be a voyeur of oneness.
  12. I can randomly think about how much I love the idea of my mother. I'll have a little cry then it will be let go of. Then I'll think how I'm a infinitely delusional extremely creative singularity and it's cool but it's just going on it's own. The will is awesome, the ego always attached to it because it's so awesome and chooses such cool arcs. But this emptiness feeling is totally fine. It's weird, it's like this is all I ever needed, and everything is breaking down and out of control but it's like okay at the same time. It was all just a dream. Me wanting to be successful and win competitions, totally delusional. But also totally necessary to become a person and forget infinity. But nah not really, infinity is never remembered or forgot. It's just sensations and the movie making it seem like there's an individual passing through time. But whatever this is, is content with feeling empty, and if unpleasant sensation comes up breathe deep. Until it's not. There's not even any seperate person to enjoy this, that's just a thought happening now. There's nothing to do. I feel my mind breaking down. It's scary, but scary is just a word I gave an unpleasant sensation to. If anyone is out there maybe reading this and it sounds bad, just know it's not. That's the vibe I got from some non-duality speakers. There is no happily ever after fairytale ending, but it's the emptiness/somethingness duality which you seek, that's the weird thing. And that never goes away. Life is exciting, but strangely you are just being the excitement, just because... Why? why not?
  13. The power of my mind is wild. It literally felt like a movie. We were like "yep we are in the solution, nobody knows if I exist or you are just imagining me, but we are all made out of the same stuff" then from there so much stuff happened but I can't remember, but it was extremely elaborate and a decent script.
  14. I just had a dream I was throwing up and looking for my mummy but I couldn't find her. Everything was so empty. The first time I ran into their bedroom, they weren't there, then the second she was there but completely empty. Then I woke up.
  15. I went to uni for fucks sake I did pickup I went surfing in bali All the sunburn, the suffering Like what the fuck I drove across America I made my parents proud with my surf lifesaving skills But it was all a dream? So, so, so much anxiety. For nobody. That's fucked up. And pretty funny. Idk mate, the it's just love thing. Every parents evening I would dread because my teachers would be like he sucks, then my parents would tell me off. I had a newspaper round job and I hid all the papers in the attic and lost the job I had a dishwashing job and got fired 2nd day by the girl who I got on with. My friend had cancer and chemo and his face was all round. Like this is so unconditionally free it's unbelievable. All the car sickness Getting kneed in the balls The nervousness before a race Failing exam papers Choking in tennis matches Getting pipped at the post and torturing myself for a year with how I should have been faster Getting nervous in public speeches and stuttering Charity fundraising Like seriously WHAT THE FUCK What is left? I could go on and on and on and on Right now I'm going therapy and discussing non-duality and she's considering if I have psychosis or autism Am I about to go down an autism arc? This can't all be for no reason at all, the story is way too elaborate, but what good is a story if I can't share it with others.