melodydanielluna

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Posts posted by melodydanielluna

  1. Posted

    I have been friends with my boyfriend four about four years, but we didn't get together until July of 2020.  We moved in with each other by December of 2020.  This is my first apartment and my first time living on my own (excluding a few months I lived with an abusive ex, who took care of all the bills).  At twenty-seven years-old, I was terrified to move out, and having my boyfriend's emotional support was much appreciated. 

    Because I was so scared and was relying so heavily on his emotional support, I let a lot of things slide: the cleanliness of the place, how cluttered it is, bad spending habits when we were doing the grocery run, etc.  But months later, I am feeling more secure in my ability to take care of myself and pay my bills and everything.  (I've never been unable to pay my bills; it's just a mental thing.)  And these things I let slide and bothering me more and more.

    We've tried really hard to work through these issues, but ultimately, we both want to live very differently.  And we have decided to separate.

    I'm feeling really anxious and sad, but also excited to live alone.  I am reaching out to this community for support because I know I will need it.  Already, I have doubted my decision many times.  I have panicked about whether or not I can pay my bills.  I have panicked about how lonely I may feel.  I have cried as I think about how much I will miss the good aspects of the relationship. 

    We do love each other and have amazing times together!  Unfortunately, we just don't want to live the same way.  He wants to stay out late.  I want to go to bed early.  He wants to tour with his band.  I want to stay home and write.  Etc. etc.

    I know I need a year to myself, to be single, to live how I want to live, by myself and for myself.  I feel I need this so I can get a really firm idea of how I want to live and know that I can do it on my own.  From there, I will be a lot more able to set boundaries and watch out for deal breakers when I date someone.

    Do you have any advice on how to get through this period and face my fear of being alone?  I know I need to do this, but I am just so scared.

    Thanks,

    Mel

  4. Posted

    Something I am realizing more and more as I proceed with the pursuit of my life purpose, is how there are high points and low points.

    The high points come when I am inspired, when I have a new idea I'm acting on, when I'm in the flow of creating, when I am sharing that creation with the world, etc. The low points are when my day job gets in the way and I can't live out my LP as I want to, when I see a problem with my LP that I don't know how to solve, when I don't get the response I was hoping for, etc.

    Lately I've had a lot of these low points.  I think it's important not to stuff my feelings down; they are here for a reason, to show me something.  I've been journaling about them, and realizing just how important my LP is to me.  Which is inspiring in and of itself.

    But I am wondering: do any of you have ideas on how to deal with the low points?

  6. Posted

    @RickyFitts I hadn't missed him in a little while, but last night I had a dream that I was with him, and I was with his grandma, and she was hugging me and holding me.  He was treating me like crap though, but I still wanted to be around him (in the dream). 

    What's interesting is today I have a job interview at a new workplace.  I really need to make a change with were I'm working, for a variety of reasons.  But obviously I am scared to.  And obviously I am nervous for the job interview.

    It's interesting that my missing my ex seems to be triggered by this period of change and more specifically by this job interview in general.  I haven't been longing for him this morning like I would have in the past; instead I am focused on taking care of my own needs.

  7. Posted

    Thank you everyone.  These words were very helpful and soothing.  

    I had an epiphany while journaling just now, which does align with what you guys were saying.  I don’t do much miss him; he wasn’t a good partner for me.  He was very controlling and belittling, but I didn’t miss this at the time as it excused me from making my own adult decisions and developing myself. 
     

    A lot of the things I miss are things I am able to give to myself and things I have been learning to give to myself.  I am going to observe where these periods of missing him arise and see if there is any pattern to them.  For example, do they occur when I haven’t been taking care of myself?  When I feel overwhelmed by life?  Etc.

  9. Posted

    When will I stop missing my ex?  

    I don’t constantly miss him.  It’s more like I get these ‘episodes’ where I am plagued by an intense longing for him.  I could go two weeks not even thinking about him and then, seemingly out of nowhere, I miss him.

    I was with him for five years, between the ages of twenty-one to twenty-six, very developmental years of my life.  All that time, I truly believe he was ‘the one’.  I also went through my eating disorder recovery while I dated him, and he supported me all through that.

    While I was with him, he took me into his family and they all treated me quite nicely.  My ex was controlling however.  Very caring, but very controlling.  He had a vision for how I should live my life, for what was best for me in his eyes, and he made it very apparent that he was disappointed when I didn’t act in alignment with that vision.  While being controlled wasn’t good, I loved being cared for.  As gross as it was, he was sort of a parental or mother figure for me; he was nurturing and emotionally supportive, in a way I had never experienced before.

    I think that’s the thing I miss the most, the emotional care, because I tend to miss him when I am feeling emotionally out of sorts.  In hindsight, I do feel our relationship was codependent and I am actually glad it’s gone.  This last year and half I have learned so much about how to take care of myself.  And yet sometimes I still miss his care.  

    So what gives?  Am I withdrawing from codependency?  Or am I still healing a broken heart?  (I broke up with him, but he cheated on me, which after five years, was pretty devastating.) I know a time cannot be calculated, but when will I stop missing him?  Is it weird that it feels both good and bad to miss him?  Am I healing or just ruminating? Can I remember the good aspects of our relationship (the camping trips, the lake days, the hikes, the baked goods, the Christmases, etc.) while still understanding that ultimately he is not right for me?

  11. Posted

    Ideally this would be a tightly knit group of just a few members who are dedicated to mastering their craft.  Every month we would all submit a short piece (a chapter from a novel, a short story, an essay, etc.) for respectful, healthy critique.  Everyone would read through each piece and leave comments on what they like, what they feel needs work, questions or confusions they have, etc.

    Really, the aim of this group would be to help each other get feedback, something that is essential on the path of mastery.

  12. Posted

    @asifarahim I wouldn't quit my job until it was financially viable for myself to do so, which it definitely could be in time as there are tons of opportunities in writing, especially in the age of the internet :)

    My day job is also ideal for quitting, because if I fail I can always return to it.  I am a hair stylist, so returning just means going to a new salon.  I live in the city, so there are plenty of salons to choose from.

    I can also quit my job (as in quit at the salon I work out) and still do hair on my own terms if I need to.  If I quit, I would likely keep a small clientele and do hair one day a week, privately.

    So I have lots of options with the choices I have made.  Hair dressing is the perfect day job if you are an artist.  Not only is it creative, but the hours are flexible!  We don't have benefits or pensions that we lose if we quit. 

  13. Posted

    @Roy  @Nahm  Thank you, to both of you, for your words.

    @Roy I worry about the line between healing and ruminating.  What constitutes me working through things vs. what constitutes me just getting stuck on this and taking it on as part of my identity? 

    I don't want to have a victim identity.  I know it is toxic.  But at the same time, sometimes I do feel great amounts of pain and shame from my past.

  14. Posted

    @asifarahim Interesting.  I'm reading 'So Good They Can't Ignore You', and I'm about 3/4 of the way through.  Thus far Newport has discussed why following our passions doesn't always lead to happiness, and how career capital must be built before someone should take risks in their career.  I find this very interesting because there is a myth floating around that anyone can just 'start a YouTube channel' or 'write a book' and 'make money'.  And I think it's very interesting that Newport is criticizing this notion. 

    Personally, I still think there's a happy medium between following your passion AND building career capital.  Like, what's the point in building career capital in something you don't like?  I am a hairdresser by day, and I don't hate the job.  But I also don't love it.  A lot of what we do goes against my value system.  I don't feel this is the great, meaningful work I could and should be doing.  I see myself building career capital in my hairdressing job though, because I am good at colour and people keep coming back to me, recommending their friends, etc.  I know if I pursue this I could have a 'good' career, with lots of money and freedom.  But I still feel its best to instead focus on building career capital in my writing, as this is in line with values and my passions.  And until I have built up enough career capital in writing to quit hairdressing, I have a comfortable enough job to pay the bills.

  15. Posted

    @asifarahim Interesting that you should say that.  I actually wanted to read something very 'stage orange', because I feel I have a major 'stage orange' shadow.  I want to work out my limiting beliefs around money and having a career, so I can earn money in a way that reflects my values and what I find meaningful.  I definitely take each book I read with a grain of salt.  I would love to hear about why you think his books are so bad.