ndm678

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About ndm678

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    Maine, USA
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  1. Meeting My Karma The jig is up, for now. The ego, and whatever combination of self and consciousness exists in this form is, has decided to move forward with leaving the simple, grotesquely spiritual advancing, lifestyle to chase love. A tale as old as time My idealistic version of 'Walden' has begun to wind down. For love Because that is always the answer And you know it...... This is where my Karma is, this is where my darma is. This is my path because this is the path I'm on. And I'm most likely diluting myself. And I Love that. I found myself, and loved myself over and over. I have accomplished amazing things, sitting on the side lines of love. I'm gonna cash this out, go live in the city, sit around my girlfriend, play ukulele, and sing songs about Love.
  2. Forgiveness I've been stuck on this one for a bit. My mind has a complete unwillingness and it gets a bit devily, in fact. I'm coming to the point where it's time to forgive my ex wife. I could write paragraphs about how much of a piece of shit she is, but I don't think that moves me towards forgiveness (I already wrote one and erased it because it was pure venom). Our mutual child becomes an adult in a couple months. I've been fantasizing about telling her off, how rewarding it would be...... but I don't think that moves me toward forgiveness. She has The Light in her, as I do, as everyone does. We are all on our own paths. Every decision someone makes was the highest one, with the information they had at the time. All of those pale to the fact I wouldn't piss down her throat if her guts were on fire. But she is me and I need to embody the peace to forgive. I don't want to drink anymore poison hoping it hurts her.
  3. @Emotionalmosquito not to sound insulting, but you need to find some community activities to participate in. I live in a small village too (500 population), but that is part of a 9 small community 'web'. I go to open night music jams at churches and community centers, keroke nights, cooking classes, quilting classes, rod and gun clubs, ect. You should have some social clubs near you too, Masons, Elks, Lions, ect. Most state universities do co-op classes as well. I've traveled to the city (80 miles) to attend board game clubs, beer making clubs, toastmasters, fly tying clubs. Old women in these clubs are a great source to polish your flirting and banter. You're not trying to pick them up, so you can have a lot of fun with it. They also have daughters, neices, ect., they want to set you up with (I've gotten dates from this). As for the longing for sex part.. That sucks, I can relate. Go get yourself a fleshlight, don't wrap your pride up too much into it, and work on your 'lasting' stamina. Keep your chin up and be persistent about socializing 😁🙏.
  4. Cigarettes I’m 11 days into a cigarette quit. I feel I missed a good opportunity in journaling more about my quit. I’ve drawn inspiration (filled excess time smoking created). I’ve quit before for money, health, family, pride, and probably a few i can’t remember. This time, I just feel done. I don’t know how to explain it. I’m not motivating or bullshitting myself. I just stopped. Alcohol Consuming alcohol makes me want to smoke. I had a night I became impulsive (yay! something new to be mindful of) where I overindulged and became sick. I’ve been discovering the past few months that my body is pretty ‘all set’ with drinking alcohol. C I finally asked the poor woman to be my SO. We’ve been hanging out for months. She lives hours away. I think I like the ‘alone’ spells when we’re not together. I feel like I can fully ‘handle my shit’ when we’re apart, and fully ‘be present’ when we’re together. We’ve already gone on some epic adventures and have seen some amazing things. Ralston - The Book of Not Knowing 🤯🤯. Matt Kahn This guy is like a spiritual Care Bear. I listened to a couple of his videos and thought ‘Holy Shit! I already knew all this stuff when I was 4 years old’. Almost 40 years later, I’m going back to that mindset. I’m like a feral 4 year old, who has money and a car. Building Something I’m here to build something new, a place for Love and Healing (with capital L and H). I don’t know fully what that looks like. I got a book this winter on plant medicine, not psychedelics or marijuana, but making herbal remedies. I’ll work on that for now. I already grow and consume some of the healthiest, nutrient dense foods on the planet. I am that I AM
  5. Chipping Wood and Toting Water. I turned the water off on my cabin for the winter. I didn't get the winter updates done and the clock ran out. Im bringing my water in via 5 gal buckets. The same goes with heat. I planned fornthat one and have a nice pile of wood gor the winter. I dont chip much of it, but i do tote it around a bit. these excersises make me appreciate running water and delivered heat, it's all just a tun of a dial away, normally. Ive been off social media sites and news sites. I dont have much of a clue whats going on outside of my bubble. I'm still surprisingly getting a lot of wage work for this time of year. I feel in a flow most days. It feels rather 'autopilot' most days I think this is what I've been striving for. This scenario is, more or less, what I've been striving for, for a couple decades. A few of the details aren't quite right, but this is it. I did it my way. I'm gonna enjoy sitting at this peak a little longer, I don't know when I'll see this view again, if I will.
  6. I don’t know if there is a need to shit test for this, it’s not that common. Perhaps a little on a spectrum, but not common. I’ve been dating for meeting people for 5 years and I think I’ve come across maybe 2 women I would consider man haters. I was involved with one for awhile. It might be wise to empathize with this. I can’t fathom leaving my house and being barraged by horny, uncalibrated dudes that can’t think past the head of their junk. I can only empathize how that dynamic would ‘feel’. I hate men like that too. Up your game and be dynamic. No one wants you humping their leg and breathing heavy all over them, just like every other guy does and has done. Food for thought
  7. https://www.shroomery.org/6257/Magic-Mushroom-Dosage-Calculator According to this calculator (and your dosage weights) your second trip would have been in the 1.35g range. Thank you for sharing your trip reports ??. Love is a fun element to dig deeper into.
  8. A Season of Recluse I don’t spend time with others except when I work, and they are paying for my services (not a prostitute). I feel an immense satisfaction being in my created space. Over five years I’ve been creating a social creature, now I am tired of that facade and feel no need to prop it up, at least for awhile. I can go play ‘social chimp’ anytime I please. It’s strange to not have that impulse. It’s strange to not be scared (or deeply bothered) by being alone, or better yet, secluded.
  9. Addictions I fell off the smoking wagon, it was on a long road trip. I was getting greedy about winding down other addictions and met my karma. I became addicted to not being addicted, and crusading against it. Comfort/soothing, I need to compassionately explore this further.
  10. Changing Paths For a brief update, I'm somewhere near 3 weeks since stopping cigarettes. Alcohol consumtion is way down, but not totally gone, there is a social aspect with the two that's been interesting to let go of. Back to the subject at hand. I feel I'm coming to the end of my 'occupation' path. Not all of them, but this one in peticular. It's not overly surprising, I've kinda met the 'end of the path' a handful of my 20ish years in doing it. I've tried many different avenues within the parameters of it, but seem to find myself on this precipice. I lost the love/spark/passion a long time ago, but pushed forward for many reasons, mostly financial/family stability. Now I exist in a dynamic where; my family dynamic has evaporated, I have no debt, and I'm living a version of my life purpose. This aspect no longer fits into my life. I'm good at what I do, but I don't care anymore, and it's obvious, and it's shitty for the people I serve. A lot of my 'vices' have been a direct connection to this area of work. Too many years drowning that voice out that screams 'This isn't where you're supposed to be!!' Over the next year I intend to wind this down, and begin my next path. @Leo Gura, I look forward to seeing you again for my 3rd pass at your LP course.
  11. I live on a 20(ish) acre homestead. My intent was for it to be more communal, but its difficult to get the right mix of people. Some books that helped/inspired me are: Living The Good Life - Helen and Scott Nearing The Self Sustaining Life and How To Live It -Richard Seymour Starting and Running Your Own Farm Business - Sarah Beth Aubrey You Can Farm - Joel Salatin Folks, This Ain't Normal - Joel Salatin Good luck in your journey, and keep us updated. DM me if I can be of assistance.
  12. Mushrooms and Smoking. 10 days ago I had a trip where I intended to explore my vices and impulses. 3g under a beautiful starry sky (its been constant rain where I live most of the summer). The mosquitos were horrible. There wasn't much opportunity to not be on high alert. I traded out my shorts and tank top for sweatpants and sweatshirt, it was sweat profusely or be sucked dry of blood. The mosquitos are like my vices. They show up, play an annoying tune on your ear, make you squirm and wiggle around, then suck your life blood. I stopped smoking cigarettes 3 days later. I stopped drinking 2 days after that. I was reading about psychadelics, and how people are able to stop smoking/drinking using these. But there is 0 info (that I could find) that said anything more than 'helpful with therapy'. "How is it helpful? what get discussed?" I almost feel like society sells a 'planned helplessness' Into us, but we can discuss that another time. 7 days no cigarettes, 5 days no alcohol. Weed, caffeine, and junky food are in my cross hairs next, in no peticular order.I 'feel' those 2 were the really hard obstacles. And I was able to shed those will little more than mild discomfort and 'one really bad day'.. Good riddance to bad rubbish.
  13. I Did (do) It My Way. No (Part 2) Que Dean Martin, 'Ain't that a kick in the head' Back to Reality. Alan Watts spoke to my soul early in my spiritual experience. To the tune of 'do you move the marble, or will it roll to the bottom of the bowl?' 'Do you run up the hill, or does the hill run you up it?' 'No! I move it, I run it. I make my reality!' Or do I? It seems my empires of impermanence grow and fail, with little or much interaction. Some things are ment to be a certain way. Hmmmm....... do we have free will? Or are we a marionette of our circumstances? Yes. We try, we wait, with starry eyes, and baited breath... And then things unfold, not like we perscribe. We get worked up, we sour, and we are left but a mere puddle, in the bathtub, sobbing, wanting, then accepting the 'what is'. Despite our reluctance.... And we move forward. We are always where we are supposed to be. *Note my previous entry about 'Ropes'*. We were made to let that rope go, and do what comes next. The Universe just LOVES what ever we do, and whatever we learn. And whanever we try, and when we fail, and when we seek truths..... And whatever we do to try to buck it, and/or accept it. What we know, what we feel, what we test, and what we hold as true....or how we unravel those thuths. We rise , we fall, we rise again. We rise and return from the dirt. Choose Love. Choose Light.