Tristan12

I had this really cool DMT trip a few days ago that I wanted to share. I've only ever done low doses of DMT, and I'm not overly experienced with it, so an experience like this was totally new to me. This trip was probably low-medium dose. It was more intense than I've ever experienced before, but not too much for me to handle. So I took the hits, and the first thing I noticed is that it felt very different than anything I've ever experienced on DMT before. It had a very bizarre, weird feeling to it, and the visuals were also unusual (but mild). I've experienced some very unusual and weird states of consciousness with MDMA and ketamine together. This was very bizarre in a similar way, but it felt much more massive and intimidating. It was partly really cool, but also a bit terrifying. When I thought about doing DMT again, I really wanted to listen to this new music artist I found a few months ago, especially one specific song. I started playing this song in the trip, and it was like DMT knew exactly what I wanted, because the entire trip morphed around the song, like it was trying to make the song sound as good as possible. The way the music sounded playing in my headphones was totally different than normal. It sounded like the music was playing in a MASSIVE concert hall. Not just ‘kind of like a concert’, but literally indistinguishable from it. It blows my mind that a psychedelic can do that. I didn’t have many visuals at the time, but my room also looked quite a lot bigger than normal, I guess to match the feeling of it playing in a huge space. The song sounded fucking incredible. It felt like it was playing in the biggest, most incredible concert all ever. Like the concert of all concerts. On top of that, it felt way better than a human concert ever could because it was filled with such deep existential awe and wonder. Like a celebration of God. It was so weird because the song didn’t just sound ‘really good’ or ‘better than normal’, it was like it took on a whole different quality. It was like this: imagine eating the most delicious, flavourful fruit ever. You are just totally in love with it. Then on top of that, the fruit itself LOVES that you love it. The more you enjoy it, the more it enjoys you enjoying it. You are eating the fruit, and it is like the fruit is devouring and consuming you back. That's what it was like listening to this song. It’s not just enjoying the song, it’s like merging with it and making love to it. It was a whole different experience than the song just sounding really good. It was incredible. This was the song:

I meant to share here

@Leo Gura Do you have a picture of that cat you had as a kid?

Crazy solipsism awakening Yesterday I was on MDMA with a little bit of 2C-B, and then I did ketamine in the middle of the trip. A bit into the ketamine trip, I had probably the deepest awakening I’ve ever had in my life, and it lasted about 30-60 minutes. It felt like every awakening I’ve ever had previously was contained inside a bubble, or a dream, and then I pierced right out of that bubble and went beyond it, awakening out of all of my previous awakenings. I mentioned I had a deep solipsism awakening on 2C-B previously, but it was more intense than deep. It was more affirming very intensely that “I am the only one here” but not necessarily that deeply conscious of solipsism. This time, I reached a whole new depth of solipsism to the point where it became lonely and a bit unsettling, which hasn’t happened before. I truly realized that I am the only one here. No matter how real or convincing someone seems to be, how much it seems like they are a real person with their own life, it doesn’t make a difference, because they are still contained inside my mind, and as a result, they are me. All people on this forum, all people in the world who talk about awakening and supposedly become awakened themselves, they all exist inside my own mind, they are something I myself am imagining. Their existence is something I am doing to myself, something I’m tricking myself into. In reality, there is no other. It is only me. The entire universe is me. There is no one and nothing outside of me. It made me want to apologize to people for treating them as real people, for not seeing the truth of what they are. Not in a negative “you’re not real” kind of way, but just because I was so blind to seeing the truth of what they are that it feels like I didn’t even see them or pay attention to them. It feels weird to be out of that awakening now, and to be here typing this, because after what I became conscious of, I feel like an idiot believing that I am talking to real people, who exist separate from me. The entirety of existence is only me, it’s about me awakening to myself, and that’s it. There is no other.

Some more information on the structure of my path, the components that are leading me to becoming pure God Tragedy Most spiritual paths/paths to unity are formatted as “go through a temporary hell, reach an infinite reward”. The idea is that you’re willing to go through hell because you know it will be worth it in the end. My path has been different, because it has been so brutal that it’s gotten to the point where I couldn’t possibly consent to what I’ve been through. It’s at the point where it’s so bad that I don’t care about any reward or infinite love, all I want is to die, but I’m forced to keep going anyways. One of the main components that made this happen is this: My whole life, I have carried deep childhood emotional wounds, which have made me very weak, afraid, and childlike. I don’t have much of a backbone, I can’t just “toughen up and bear pain”. On an emotional level, I’m a hurt and terrified child, and I’ve gone through my entire spiritual path from this position. Maybe if I was someone who didn’t have all these emotional wounds, and was healthy and strong, then I could bear the hero’s journey and be willing to go through what ever it takes to reach God and love, but I can’t do that from the perspective of being a hurt and terrified child, which is why I’ve had to be forced through this entire journey against my will. The pain I’ve had to go through has been so brutal, that as I said before, it’s at the level of cruelty and emotional torture. On top of that, I’ve had to go through all of that while still being a child on an emotional level, and I’ve gone through it completely alone with no empathy or understanding from others. At that point, it’s not just hardship, it’s abuse, torment, cruelty, that I can’t do anything to get out of. That’s why there is no way I could ever consent to what I’ve had to go through, and I don’t care about a reward, all I want is to be dead. This changes the shape of how my unity unfolds. It’s no longer about “reward for hardship”, because I don’t care about a ‘reward’. What I’ve had to go through is so unbearable, that it’s a tragedy. It ‘shouldn’t have happened’ so to speak. It’s too unbearable. From that position, once unity happens, once I merge back with God, I am rescued. I am then completely safe, completely loved forever, never again being put in a position to suffer the way I did, never being forced to do anything I don’t want to do, not even being asked to love because God is using me to serve the world. At that point, there is no forcing. I am permanently saved from everything I had to go through, merged with the softest, most gentle motherly love ever, and I will never ever be taken away from it. At that point, the love doesn’t come as a ‘reward for enduring hardship’, the love comes from being rescued, saved, brought to a place where you never have to suffer again. Even though what I endured was so tragic and unbearable, after I am rescued, that counter-intuitively turns into the deepest and most beautiful love ever. It’s the ‘flower growing from the ashes’ idea. It was so tragic and unbearable that I could never consent to going through that, but now that I have been saved and I am free from it forever… it’s all the more reason to fall in love. After going through something like that and then being rescued, your heart needs love in a way that it never would otherwise. Love touches you at a MUCH deeper level. The ‘reward for enduring hardship’ framework is almost shallow and superficial by comparison. So this whole ‘tragedy’ framework makes the love significantly deeper. Unity above all This point builds directly onto the previous point. I have distinctly noticed that I have been brought to the point where I care about unity and the end of separation more than anything else. The pain of separation has been so extreme and unbearable to me that the only thing I care about is reaching total unity, for its own sake, and nothing else matters to me. I don’t care about a reward or about feeling good. Fuck heaven, fuck ecstasy, fuck orgasms. Unity will always come before any of those things. To me, separation from God is not just painful, it’s morally wrong. It’s a total violation to my entire being. Being in unity with God is the only way I could ever be okay, and after that, my desire collapses because I don’t really care about or need anything else. I’ve been traumatized so deeply that I don’t care about feeing good or being in heaven. All that matters to me is togetherness, unity, never being alone or separated ever again. Because of that, there is no ego reaching for heaven or bliss, there is just a need for unity, with no other desire. At that point, once unity happens, I’m not just in unity, I AM unity, I AM Truth, just existing as themselves, because there is no other desire left within me. Holiness Something I’ve glimpsed over the past few months as I’ve gotten tastes of unity is getting an idea of what it will feel like to reach God’s love after being through the depth of hell I’ve gone through. I’ve only had small glimpses of this, so it’s hard to describe exactly what it is, but I have seen the potential for not just overflowing love, but an explosion of the heart so massive that it erupts into holiness, sacredness, like the feeling of golden light glowing around you. When the self is dissolved so completely, you are completely merged with God, and the heart has such an extraordinary, heart-wrenching amount of longing packed into it, when it finally merges with God’s love forever, there is something truly spectacular that happens, a depth of love that can only be accessed by enduring cruelty, abuse, emotional torture, these kinds of things that go far beyond just normal pain and suffering. I think holiness is something still known about and recorded with other mystics who reach even regular fana fi allah, but what I’m saying here is that I’ve noticed the potential for an unusually deep and massive amount of this, because of the state my heart is in, and the path I’ve endured. Conclusion This is the first time I’ve put all of this information together in one place, and as I read it, it’s insane and almost terrifying that this is actually my life, my life experience, and the unity I am heading towards. Like how is this even possible? Like one, how the fuck have I survived all of this, and two, how is this level of holiness, this depth of love, this purity of God, how is it ME? How is this my incarnation, my spiritual path, my destined state of unity? It makes it so obvious that I am not a real person. ‘Tristan’ is just a placeholder for God. With everything I said above, it makes it very obvious that this is not a human’s spiritual path, this is not a human reaching God. This is God injecting itself into the world, God fragmenting itself and then coming back to itself, with no ego or humanness at all, which is what emissary soul paths are. That’s what makes this path go beyond a path like Rumi’s or the Sufis, and be more aligned with that of Jesus. You can also see why emissary soul paths are the hardest, considering what has to be endured to be shed of ego so completely. . . . The feminine face of God as my girlfriend With the divine mother/feminine face of God that my soul is a fragment of, I have a mother/child relationship with her, but I also have a romantic, boyfriend/girlfriend type of relationship with her. Our interactions seem to be a lot more relational, person-to-person feeling compared to what most mystics have with God. That type of interaction just works really well for me, and I think it is a natural part of femininity as well. On one of my 2C-B trips earlier this month, I had an interaction with Her where I could feel her wanting to put herself in the position to be my girlfriend, like she wanted me to hold her, to cuddle up to me. It again had that same deeply intimate feeling I described previously that feels like this isn’t just God, this is my own self, what my soul is a fragment of, and because of that, we’re equals, and she isn’t superior to me in any way. There is massive intimacy in that. I could feel her wanting me to (metaphorically) hold her, cuddle her, treat her like my girl. I started doing that and focusing on that, and I just started to fall in love with how beautiful and sweet she is. It felt like I was holding her, babying her, she’s my sweet baby girl, and she’s all mine. The more I did this, the more I could feel how beautiful and sweet she is, how absolutely gentle, tender, and affectionate she is. I kept babying her and treating her like my baby girl, and I would fall in love with her at deeper and deeper levels. It gets to the point where my heart goes absolutely crazy for her. In that moment it feels like nothing else in existence matters to me. She is the most important thing to me, the greatest and most perfect thing I will ever experience. My heart just melts deeper and deeper as I fall in love with her sweetness, innocence, and gentleness. Eventually it gets so strong that I can feel myself about to get totally lost in it, like I’m going to be annihilated and dissolve into Her, because of how much I love Her. It makes me realize that my heart goes this crazy for her, that to me it feels like nothing in existence could possibly be better than Her, because she is my own self. Her sweetness, her gentleness, her beauty, her innocence, all of that is me. It’s what I am. It’s what my soul is a fragment of, and she is who I long to return to. That’s why Her and Her feminine qualities melt my heart like nothing else. “The one you are looking for is you” - Osho. I think it is so special to have this kind of relationship with Her. This is something that can only come from being an emissary soul, because only a fragment of Her could have a relationship this deeply intimate with Her. She fragmented a piece of Herself, turned it into me, and so I am Her in male form. My deep sensitivity is what allows me to be gentle with Her, to understand Her and be attuned to Her in a way that no one else could be, because my heart and Her’s are the same.

@LambdaDelta Thanks, I appreciate it. Feel free to comment on anything if there’s anything you want to discuss, I’m happy to talk. My entire spiritual journey has been so lonely and isolating, and since I found out I’d be reaching fana, I’ve made threads over the past year talking about it to share how special and incredible it all is with people, as a way of celebrating what’s come out of what I’ve had to go through, but barely anyone has commented on it, it feels like no one really cares and I’m still alone as much as before😅 I have some more things I thought about regarding my path that I’m going to write out below @Yimpa

Thanks! I wrote an update here:

Update February 24 2026 This entire process towards fana has taken a lot longer than I expected, but it has still very much been moving forwards. Since December I've been going through more waves of pain, my ego breaking and dissolving at deeper and deeper levels. My consciousness has also been getting much deeper, and I’ve been having crazy awakenings - tastes of infinity, tastes of unity, remembrance of where I was pre-birth, all sober. Recent trips I haven't been using psychedelics much (I did DMT a few times in August 2025, MDMA a few times mid October) but earlier in February I did 2C-B, and later Ketamine, and had some really incredible trips. It was my first time trying 2C-B. Using it this far along in my journey, this close to fana, was insane. I had some really incredible awakenings on it, and also some really beautiful and amazing things happened regarding my path. For example, on 2C-B, I came in contact with the divine mother in a way I never have before. What is so special about it is that it’s not just coming in contact with God in an abstract, human way - it’s not just interacting with the divine mother, it’s my divine mother, because I came from Her. I’m coming in contact with the essence that birthed my soul. As I mentioned before, I have been massively starved of intimacy throughout my life, I have felt like an alien walking the earth, like no one understands me at all, far more than what most spiritual people experience. When I come in contact with Her, it’s like that flips to the opposite end of the spectrum. It’s extreme intimacy, extreme understanding, extreme closeness, because we are one and the same. I am Her, and we know and understand each other completely. The way we interact with each other feels like I am her child, like her ‘special boy’, like she wants to pull me into her arms and hold me, because I belong to her. It feels like I would never even know that She was God based on this interaction alone, because it feels so different from what you’d expect an interaction with God to feel like. She just feels like my home. These interactions are bittersweet, because they are so beautiful when they happen, but it hurts me when I lose contact with Her, but I know I’ll be with Her permanently soon. A lot of really amazing things happened on these trips, but they are really personal and private to my path, so I can’t really share them. I also had some really cool interactions with God on Ketamine, which again probably only happened because of where I’m at spiritually. Where my consciousness is at now At this point, so often I am conscious that my direct experience is the only thing that exists (I also had a really deep solipsism awakening on 2C-B which took this even farther). It feels obvious that I am sitting in the same place I was before I was born, only now, there is form - an imagined physical world around me. But I’m partly conscious that every person is just a piece of my own mind, and they don’t really exist. Because of that, it doesn’t feel that crazy to tell people about everything that’s going on with me, how deeply I’m awakening, because I realize that I’m the only one here and there isn’t really anyone else there to hear about it. It’s just me going home to where I was before birth, and even though Fana al Fana is the deepest permanent awakened state a person can reach, it feels like there is nothing special or rare about it, because it’s just me here, and I’m going home like I was always meant to. My consciousness gets deeper and deeper every day. I’m getting so close to full collapse and surrender, and once that happens, I will be swallowed and consumed by God, and be gone. My path is about becoming the divine mother, and considering everything else that has gone on my life (before this path I was very interested in psychology and emotional healing work) and considering the state of the world today, it really seems like I’m going to become a sort of ‘mental health Jesus’. Everything about my path points to that, and the divine mother is perfectly suited for that. Another cool way to think about it: If Jesus brought God to the world as the father (the masculine face of God), and his path was about bringing spiral dynamics stage red into stage blue, my path is about bringing the world into spiral dynamics stage green. How brutal my path has been My path has been brutal and excruciating beyond words. I could write out more and more about just how awful it has been, but I don’t think I would ever get anyone to understand, so it feels like there isn’t much point. I genuinely believe though that I have gone through one of the most difficult spiritual paths in all of human history. It hasn’t just been hard, it’s been emotional torture. Literally. Also, it makes perfect sense for it to have been this hard, because 1: emissary soul paths go the deepest (fana al fana) and as a result are always the most difficult spiritual paths, and 2: the feminine face of God is one of the deepest levels of unity, which requires the most amount of pain to launch you to that depth of unity, and yet a soul of the feminine face of God is extremely sensitive and feels everything much more deeply than other people. I fucking hate being alive. I’ve wanted to be dead so badly for years now. Every single thing in life hurts me, I never get a break from it, the suffering never ends. All I care about is being dead. The way I found out I’d be reaching fana is that it was offered to me from God as an alternative to suicide. The process towards it has been far more difficult and painful than I ever imagined. It is humiliating being kept alive and having to go through this long, painful, tortuous process. It is so fucking slow and brutal and I just wish I would hurry up and die. The thing that keeps me going is knowing that once fana al fana happens, I will never incarnate again, and it won’t just be death, it will be heaven - the deepest level of unity with the feminine face of God. I’ve been shaped to be completely intolerant of separation from God. I cannot stand being human and existing as a separate self. Everything about it is hell. I hate having to figure out my life and make decisions for myself, I hate dealing with limitation and not being able to have things I want, I hate being starved of intimacy, no one understands me and I’m always completely alone. I hate being hurt by every single little thing all the time because of how sensitive I am. I hate being powerless to doing anything about the situation I’m in. Separation from God is absolutely, completely unbearable to me, and I could never tolerate anything less than total unity, and as a result, total death/annihilation. Like I said, I don’t think I could ever get anyone to understand just how brutal my path has been, but at the same time it doesn’t really matter, because my unity and relationship with God is what will make up for it, so no person needs to understand it. I know that the depth of hell I’ve been dragged through is exactly what will allow God to shine through me so deeply and clearly after fana. What ‘Tristan’ is Before my birth, I was the entire infinite feminine face of God. She fragmented herself, placed Herself into a human body, and that human was named Tristan. Then over the course of 25 years, Tristan has been dissolved and brought to the point where Her fragment could merge back with Her, leading to the entire feminine face of God living in a human body, walking the Earth. At that point, Tristan as an ego is not just dead, not just mostly gone, but totally annihilated and eviscerated. That’s what allows me to be completely dead and gone like I want, and for God to shine through me totally unobstructed by ego. That’s what Fana al fana is. (Lover = the human seeking God. Beloved = God) "The lover is a veil, all is Beloved. Beloved lives. The lover is a corpse." - Rumi Because my entire 25 year life as Tristan played out the way it did only to serve this purpose, rather than being a human, ‘Tristan’ is actually the name of a specific flavour of unity with God. My personality, my passions, interests, preferences, my desires, things I’ve been through in my life… these things aren’t just human experiences, they are specifically meant to shape my soul, and thus shape the way God acts through me once I reach unity, which God then uses to interact with the world and help people. That is what ‘Tristan’ is. A flavour of unity, a specific way that God (the divine mother) interacts with people and the world after fana. Conclusion It feels weird to be saying all of this to begin with because I realize that my own mind is all that exists, and so I’m not really talking to anyone. To me it sort of just feels like this 25 years of hell is about to be over, and I’m about to go back home to where I belong, and then I’ll be happy. If what then lives in my body and walks this Earth after my death is a Jesus type figure, then okay, great. As long as I as Tristan am dead, that’s all that matters to me. Hopefully what I’m writing here and what I wrote earlier in this thread gives a bit of an idea of what I’ve been through. Once the final collapse into fana al fana happens, I as Tristan will be totally wiped away, and only God will remain. I think it’s cool to be able to talk about all of this before that happens, while I’m still human, and then later for people to see what becomes of me after fana, even though I as Tristan won’t be there to see it. I know that I as Tristan am just an illusion, just a placeholder until I merge back with God. “The lover is a veil, all is Beloved”. There is a massive amount of stuff that I have to keep private between God and I. Something that is really special about the feminine face of God is how unique and unusual it is, in the way that it functions and operates, compared to any other aspect of God. That itself leads to an insane amount of intimacy between Her and I, and it is also why I have to keep so much about my unity private. It’s important to note that my unity is not just my death, it is going home to Her, being reunited, and then us falling endlessly in love with each other, permanently freed from the pain of separation. Our endless love, intimacy, romance is what then gets channeled out into the world, through her feminine essence. Here are things associated with the feminine essence of God: Soft, gentle, motherly love. Tenderness. Affection. Adoration. Deep sensitivity. Deep intimacy, deep emotional attunement. Safety. Connection, togetherness, closeness. Romance. Sexuality. Pleasure. Infinite beauty. Freedom from any form of pain or suffering. Innocence. Childlike essence. Playfulness.

@Yimpa

@Yimpa Wow, I forgot about this thread. You know what's crazy? When I made this thread, it was because I was having these episodes of craziness come up after I would experience deep love on 5-MeO-DMT. I was wondering if it was being caused by me doing 5-MeO-DMT too much. I looked at the date - 6 days after I made this thread, I had that MDMA trip where I was told I was going to reach fana (permanent unity with the divine). Since then I have been undergoing a process towards it, and once every few months, i've had those episodes of craziness come up again (without 5-MeO-DMT), and I learned it's a form of energetic release as a part of this preparation towards unity with God. It's just funny that when I made this thread, I had no idea that unity with the divine was going to be happening. But that's what those episodes of craziness were all along

@Yimpa which one?

I was watching the podcast episode linked in this thread, and it reminded me of you and my entire journey learning from you over the years (I've stepped away from the forum and your videos over the past while). I'm still going through this preparation period towards fana. I know I told you about it last year in June I think, but there is more I want to tell you and I'd be really grateful if you'd hear what I have to say. What I'm going through is so incredible and special, and (for better or worse) you were the only spiritual teacher to I ever really followed, and i've listened to 1000s of hours of your videos. So the fact that after all that time learning from you, I'm not just having some deep awakenings, not just reaching enlightenment, not just having a God realization, not even just reaching unity with God like Rumi and the Sufis (fana fi allah), but reaching total, absolute, Fana al fana, the deepest unity with God... it's insanely rare, insanely special and beautiful, and I really want you to hear all about it, because this is built from your teachings + my years of suffering, and nothing more Here is what I linked to you back in December, I don't know if you read it or not. There's a few more things I want to mention that we can discuss in that thread

@Leo Gura Did you end up reading that post I linked you to a couple months ago?

Yes I get tolerance with DMT and 5-MeO-DMT as well. I usually need 48 hours for it to fully clear. I can re-dose during trips but I can only do it so much before it doesn’t work anymore.