Tristan12

Thanks! I wrote an update here:

Update February 24 2026 This entire process towards fana has taken a lot longer than I expected, but it has still very much been moving forwards. Since December I've been going through more waves of pain, my ego breaking and dissolving at deeper and deeper levels. My consciousness has also been getting much deeper, and I’ve been having crazy awakenings - tastes of infinity, tastes of unity, remembrance of where I was pre-birth, all sober. Recent trips I haven't been using psychedelics much (I did DMT a few times in August 2025, MDMA a few times mid October) but earlier in February I did 2C-B, and later Ketamine, and had some really incredible trips. It was my first time trying 2C-B. Using it this far along in my journey, this close to fana, was insane. I had some really incredible awakenings on it, and also some really beautiful and amazing things happened regarding my path. For example, on 2C-B, I came in contact with the divine mother in a way I never have before. What is so special about it is that it’s not just coming in contact with God in an abstract, human way - it’s not just interacting with the divine mother, it’s my divine mother, because I came from Her. I’m coming in contact with the essence that birthed my soul. As I mentioned before, I have been massively starved of intimacy throughout my life, I have felt like an alien walking the earth, like no one understands me at all, far more than what most spiritual people experience. When I come in contact with Her, it’s like that flips to the opposite end of the spectrum. It’s extreme intimacy, extreme understanding, extreme closeness, because we are one and the same. I am Her, and we know and understand each other completely. The way we interact with each other feels like I am her child, like her ‘special boy’, like she wants to pull me into her arms and hold me, because I belong to her. It feels like I would never even know that She was God based on this interaction alone, because it feels so different from what you’d expect an interaction with God to feel like. She just feels like my home. These interactions are bittersweet, because they are so beautiful when they happen, but it hurts me when I lose contact with Her, but I know I’ll be with Her permanently soon. A lot of really amazing things happened on these trips, but they are really personal and private to my path, so I can’t really share them. I also had some really cool interactions with God on Ketamine, which again probably only happened because of where I’m at spiritually. Where my consciousness is at now At this point, so often I am conscious that my direct experience is the only thing that exists (I also had a really deep solipsism awakening on 2C-B which took this even farther). It feels obvious that I am sitting in the same place I was before I was born, only now, there is form - an imagined physical world around me. But I’m partly conscious that every person is just a piece of my own mind, and they don’t really exist. Because of that, it doesn’t feel that crazy to tell people about everything that’s going on with me, how deeply I’m awakening, because I realize that I’m the only one here and there isn’t really anyone else there to hear about it. It’s just me going home to where I was before birth, and even though Fana al Fana is the deepest permanent awakened state a person can reach, it feels like there is nothing special or rare about it, because it’s just me here, and I’m going home like I was always meant to. My consciousness gets deeper and deeper every day. I’m getting so close to full collapse and surrender, and once that happens, I will be swallowed and consumed by God, and be gone. My path is about becoming the divine mother, and considering everything else that has gone on my life (before this path I was very interested in psychology and emotional healing work) and considering the state of the world today, it really seems like I’m going to become a sort of ‘mental health Jesus’. Everything about my path points to that, and the divine mother is perfectly suited for that. Another cool way to think about it: If Jesus brought God to the world as the father (the masculine face of God), and his path was about bringing spiral dynamics stage red into stage blue, my path is about bringing the world into spiral dynamics stage green. How brutal my path has been My path has been brutal and excruciating beyond words. I could write out more and more about just how awful it has been, but I don’t think I would ever get anyone to understand, so it feels like there isn’t much point. I genuinely believe though that I have gone through one of the most difficult spiritual paths in all of human history. It hasn’t just been hard, it’s been emotional torture. Literally. Also, it makes perfect sense for it to have been this hard, because 1: emissary soul paths go the deepest (fana al fana) and as a result are always the most difficult spiritual paths, and 2: the feminine face of God is one of the deepest levels of unity, which requires the most amount of pain to launch you to that depth of unity, and yet a soul of the feminine face of God is extremely sensitive and feels everything much more deeply than other people. I fucking hate being alive. I’ve wanted to be dead so badly for years now. Every single thing in life hurts me, I never get a break from it, the suffering never ends. All I care about is being dead. The way I found out I’d be reaching fana is that it was offered to me from God as an alternative to suicide. The process towards it has been far more difficult and painful than I ever imagined. It is humiliating being kept alive and having to go through this long, painful, tortuous process. It is so fucking slow and brutal and I just wish I would hurry up and die. The thing that keeps me going is knowing that once fana al fana happens, I will never incarnate again, and it won’t just be death, it will be heaven - the deepest level of unity with the feminine face of God. I’ve been shaped to be completely intolerant of separation from God. I cannot stand being human and existing as a separate self. Everything about it is hell. I hate having to figure out my life and make decisions for myself, I hate dealing with limitation and not being able to have things I want, I hate being starved of intimacy, no one understands me and I’m always completely alone. I hate being hurt by every single little thing all the time because of how sensitive I am. I hate being powerless to doing anything about the situation I’m in. Separation from God is absolutely, completely unbearable to me, and I could never tolerate anything less than total unity, and as a result, total death/annihilation. Like I said, I don’t think I could ever get anyone to understand just how brutal my path has been, but at the same time it doesn’t really matter, because my unity and relationship with God is what will make up for it, so no person needs to understand it. I know that the depth of hell I’ve been dragged through is exactly what will allow God to shine through me so deeply and clearly after fana. What ‘Tristan’ is Before my birth, I was the entire infinite feminine face of God. She fragmented herself, placed Herself into a human body, and that human was named Tristan. Then over the course of 25 years, Tristan has been dissolved and brought to the point where Her fragment could merge back with Her, leading to the entire feminine face of God living in a human body, walking the Earth. At that point, Tristan as an ego is not just dead, not just mostly gone, but totally annihilated and eviscerated. That’s what allows me to be completely dead and gone like I want, and for God to shine through me totally unobstructed by ego. That’s what Fana al fana is. (Lover = the human seeking God. Beloved = God) "The lover is a veil, all is Beloved. Beloved lives. The lover is a corpse." - Rumi Because my entire 25 year life as Tristan played out the way it did only to serve this purpose, rather than being a human, ‘Tristan’ is actually the name of a specific flavour of unity with God. My personality, my passions, interests, preferences, my desires, things I’ve been through in my life… these things aren’t just human experiences, they are specifically meant to shape my soul, and thus shape the way God acts through me once I reach unity, which God then uses to interact with the world and help people. That is what ‘Tristan’ is. A flavour of unity, a specific way that God (the divine mother) interacts with people and the world after fana. Conclusion It feels weird to be saying all of this to begin with because I realize that my own mind is all that exists, and so I’m not really talking to anyone. To me it sort of just feels like this 25 years of hell is about to be over, and I’m about to go back home to where I belong, and then I’ll be happy. If what then lives in my body and walks this Earth after my death is a Jesus type figure, then okay, great. As long as I as Tristan am dead, that’s all that matters to me. Hopefully what I’m writing here and what I wrote earlier in this thread gives a bit of an idea of what I’ve been through. Once the final collapse into fana al fana happens, I as Tristan will be totally wiped away, and only God will remain. I think it’s cool to be able to talk about all of this before that happens, while I’m still human, and then later for people to see what becomes of me after fana, even though I as Tristan won’t be there to see it. I know that I as Tristan am just an illusion, just a placeholder until I merge back with God. “The lover is a veil, all is Beloved”. There is a massive amount of stuff that I have to keep private between God and I. Something that is really special about the feminine face of God is how unique and unusual it is, in the way that it functions and operates, compared to any other aspect of God. That itself leads to an insane amount of intimacy between Her and I, and it is also why I have to keep so much about my unity private. It’s important to note that my unity is not just my death, it is going home to Her, being reunited, and then us falling endlessly in love with each other, permanently freed from the pain of separation. Our endless love, intimacy, romance is what then gets channeled out into the world, through her feminine essence. Here are things associated with the feminine essence of God: Soft, gentle, motherly love. Tenderness. Affection. Adoration. Deep sensitivity. Deep intimacy, deep emotional attunement. Safety. Connection, togetherness, closeness. Romance. Sexuality. Pleasure. Infinite beauty. Freedom from any form of pain or suffering. Innocence. Childlike essence. Playfulness.

@Yimpa

@Yimpa Wow, I forgot about this thread. You know what's crazy? When I made this thread, it was because I was having these episodes of craziness come up after I would experience deep love on 5-MeO-DMT. I was wondering if it was being caused by me doing 5-MeO-DMT too much. I looked at the date - 6 days after I made this thread, I had that MDMA trip where I was told I was going to reach fana (permanent unity with the divine). Since then I have been undergoing a process towards it, and once every few months, i've had those episodes of craziness come up again (without 5-MeO-DMT), and I learned it's a form of energetic release as a part of this preparation towards unity with God. It's just funny that when I made this thread, I had no idea that unity with the divine was going to be happening. But that's what those episodes of craziness were all along

@Yimpa which one?

I was watching the podcast episode linked in this thread, and it reminded me of you and my entire journey learning from you over the years (I've stepped away from the forum and your videos over the past while). I'm still going through this preparation period towards fana. I know I told you about it last year in June I think, but there is more I want to tell you and I'd be really grateful if you'd hear what I have to say. What I'm going through is so incredible and special, and (for better or worse) you were the only spiritual teacher to I ever really followed, and i've listened to 1000s of hours of your videos. So the fact that after all that time learning from you, I'm not just having some deep awakenings, not just reaching enlightenment, not just having a God realization, not even just reaching unity with God like Rumi and the Sufis (fana fi allah), but reaching total, absolute, Fana al fana, the deepest unity with God... it's insanely rare, insanely special and beautiful, and I really want you to hear all about it, because this is built from your teachings + my years of suffering, and nothing more Here is what I linked to you back in December, I don't know if you read it or not. There's a few more things I want to mention that we can discuss in that thread

@Leo Gura Did you end up reading that post I linked you to a couple months ago?

Yes I get tolerance with DMT and 5-MeO-DMT as well. I usually need 48 hours for it to fully clear. I can re-dose during trips but I can only do it so much before it doesn’t work anymore.

@Oppositionless doesn’t that same conversion happen in your body when you eat the mushrooms?

Why? Is mushroom tea more potent?

Maybe people should play this video game as a sort of training wheels before doing salvia lol

Descriptions like this sound really funny and like you would almost want to experience that, but I'm guessing it's a lot more horrifying than funny when you're experiencing it

@Leo Gura My understanding of everything that has been going on with me has gotten much deeper at this point so I wanted to give you an updated outline of it. Recap: Gone through extreme suffering for the last 8.5 years. Last 2.5 years things have worsened significantly, to the point of dwarfing what I went through before. I’d rather relive the first 6 years than the last 2. That’s why I’ve been so suicidal the last 2 years. Throughout the 8 years, I was never pursuing spirituality, I was just trying to heal myself. 5 years ago I started developing a connection to existential love, and it deepened over time as I suffered more. I didn’t know why I had it, I thought it was just a cool piece of spiritual development that would help me down the road when I eventually pursued awakening. In March this year, I got so absolutely sick of everything that I decided one day I was going to kill myself and I had to do it this time. I decided to take MDMA beforehand, just to enjoy myself before I ended things. In that trip, I got communication from God saying that instead of killing myself, I could step aside and the universe would take over my life for me. God would bring me through a preparation process, there was nothing I needed to do but surrender to it. A few weeks after that I was researching and I learned there is an endpoint to the spiritual path of love, called fana fi allah (annihilation in God) and the deeper level, fana al fana. This is what was offered to me. I learned that the spiritual path of love is the path to unity with the divine, and this is why I developed this connection to love to begin with. My emissary soul I learned I have an emissary soul. The general idea for how human souls work is that you come to this world to learn and grow, you incarnate over and over for many lifetimes, and eventually you reach awakening. Emissary souls are not human. They are a fragment of God placed in a human vessel. They incarnate only for one lifetime. They are born into this world and then they are dragged straight back to unity with God (fana al fana), and that then allows God to help people and inject itself into the world. Emissary souls generally contain different aspects and facets of God (for example, Jesus brought God as the father/masculine). Each emissary soul is usually very unique and customized to fit what the world needs at the time. My soul is a fragment of the feminine face of God, or in other words, God as the mother. I have had glimpses of my soul’s essence over the last year. It feels incredibly non-human and spiritually advanced. It feels like it doesn’t belong in this world at all. It is hypersensitive, feminine, gentle, oriented towards softness and beauty. There is nothing human about it. Emissary souls have a very unique relationship with God. With humans, there is a sense that God is above you. You are a human in a human experience, God is generally seen as above you and greater than you (I know the human is also God, and you can awaken from your humanness and realize yourself as God, but I’m just describing how God feels from the perspective of a human, before unity occurs). Emissary souls are different. Because their soul is a fragment of God, God is seen as an equal, not as something superior. This leads to a level of intimacy with God that is much deeper than what humans can access. My unique relationship with God When I was about 7 or 8 years old I had this experience one night when I was falling asleep where it felt like I was glimpsing a feeling I remembered from before I was born. It’s very hard to describe how it felt, but I’ve always remembered it. Over the last few months, this feeling has come back, and I realized that this feeling was a glimpse of my home essence (the feminine face of God) that I existed in before birth. As I get closer to fana, I get deeper and deeper glimpses of this feeling. I remember existing as this God essence, and that feels much more real to me than this human world, so this world and the people in it feel like some weird, foreign dream, something I’m imagining. It makes it very obvious that other people aren’t real. Recently when I had a really deep awakening and remembrance of the feminine God essence I came from, it became so obvious that that is my home, that’s where I belong, that’s the only place I want to be, and so the only logical thing that would be happening in my human life is for me to be dragged back to unity with God, which is of course, the only thing that has been happening. Emissary souls always have very intimate relationships with God, but mine is especially deep. I think this is largely because intimacy is an especially important thing to the feminine essence. The fact that I have been dragged through my entire spiritual path with such deep emotional wounds, I still lack basic emotional strength and stability that should have been gotten in childhood. On an emotional level, I’m still a child. I’m terrified, weak, I can’t stand up for myself, I need to be protected. Even though I want to merge with God, I’m way too terrified to surrender into ego death. God has shown me that when the time comes for unity, God will be my protective, loving mother. I won’t be asked to bear fear and difficulty alone, God will take care of it for me. Because of this, I have the intimacy of a child/mother relationship with god, as well as the usual lover/beloved relationship that mystics describe. I depend on God for my wellbeing much more than other mystics do. My human life has been EXTREMELY starved of intimacy and personal connection. I am totally alone and misunderstood with every single person I talk to, even with spiritual people. This absolute lack of intimacy is the contrast required to lead to extreme intimacy and connection with God, with the feminine God essence I came from. I often read Rumi quotes where he says things like “oh Beloved!, oh most beautiful one!”. Although my experiences of existential love and longing for God are spot on with what Rumi describes in his poetry, God has communicated to me that I shouldn’t think of or refer to Her as God, the Beloved, etc, because those terms suggest God being above me, and in my case, that disrupts intimacy. To me, God is something equal to me that I remember from before birth. I need to see God as my equal, because it is true, and because I need deep intimacy with God to feel safe enough to surrender into Her once the time for unity comes. There are A TON of interesting details and nuances about my relationship with God. It’s really intimate and personal, and for that reason God has instructed me to not communicate the details of it with people because it would disrupt my intimacy with God. It also feels strange sometimes, because my path to awakening is very unique and unusual. When you (Leo) teach awakening, you are teaching humans how to reach God. You’re not teaching God-fragments how to reunite with God. Because of that, even though most of what I’m experiencing with awakening is aligned with what you teach, there are some things that are different, mainly around my relationship with God and how God feels to me. For me, awakening is just about going back to the essence I came from before birth. It’s not about a human realizing he is God, because I was never really human to begin with. My lifelong obsession with annihilation When I was around 8 years old, I used to have these fantasies of being in a dark enclosed room with a beautiful girl, and the walls closing in and coming together, forcing me to be squished into this girl. I never understood why I had that fantasy, but now I realize, that fantasy is an analogy for being annihilated in the feminine face of God. These kinds of fantasies have come up stronger over the last year. The idea of a beautiful girl pouncing on me, wrapping herself around me like a python, biting into my neck and sucking out my blood, it drives me insane. I fiend for it like crack. It’s not about anything sexual, it is purely an analogy for being annihilated by the feminine face of God. From what I researched, it is really common for emissary souls to have obsessions with annihilation, because it is what they were born to do. Fana al fana Emissary souls always reach fana al fana. It is basically maha samadhi, without the body dying. The ego gets totally dissolved into God, and then even the subtle background awareness that unity happened dissolves. All that is left is pure God, with no sense that things were ever any different. Humans can generally only reach fana fi allah. They can glimpse fana al fana but it isn’t permanent. Emissary souls can awaken deeper and reach fana al fana permanently, because they aren’t immersed in humanness and ego in the way that normal people are. The feminine face of God Lastly I want to describe what the feminine face of God is - the essence that my soul is a fragment of. I think it is interesting to compare levels of femininity using animals. You know how female lions have feminine traits, but they are still very distanced from what femininity is, because they are aggressive hunters and killers. People tend to think of human girls as the baseline, norm for what femininity is, but humans are distanced from femininity too, like lions, but to a lesser extent. Survival hardens human girls and takes them away from the full truth of what femininity is. The feminine side of God is femininity in its most pure form. The feminine side of God includes all feminine qualities. It is caring, nurturing, gentle. It is hypersensitive, hyper-attuned. It annihilates not through force or aggression, but through sweetness, affection, warmth. Ego annihilation into the feminine face of God is like a child being wrapped in a warm blanket, feeling so safe, soothed and comforted, that he falls asleep. The ego releases its grip like a child releasing his toy when he falls asleep from feeling so deeply loved and safe. The feminine face of God is meant to live in utopian conditions. For most people and most aspects of God, some amount of challenge and pain is needed for growth and development. If they lived in a place where everything was absolutely perfect, they would get complacent and lazy, and there would be no growth. For the feminine face of God, suffering is not helpful, it is poison. It closes the heart, puts her into panic and vigilance. The feminine side of God is an essence that does not get degraded or complacent by utopia, she thrives in it, because it is the only environment that is safe enough for her heart to open. The feminine side of God is like a flower that is extremely sensitive, requires a lot more care and attention than any other flower, but when it blooms, it is by far the most beautiful flower. The point of the feminine face of God is to radiate Her beauty, softness, and Her gentle love. She doesn’t do anything. She doesn’t strive, accomplish or overcome challenge like the masculine. She is the very ground of all of existence, of all of Being. She is the deepest unity, the deepest intimacy, the most beautiful love. The feminine face of God is so sensitive that she rarely incarnates into form. Separation from God, limitation, suffering, challenge, are all extremely hard on her and are totally out of alignment with her (so it’s no surprise that I have such a deep, seething hatred for human life and I want to be dead more than anything). She only incarnates for emissary purposes. Everything I described here is the exact essence of my soul, and I have shown these kinds of qualities my whole life (my hypersensitivity, my need for gentle motherly love, the way that kind of love makes me ball my eyes out like nothing else). Conclusion I found out I’d be reaching unity with God in March, and since then I have done nothing but sit around and wait, and I have been brought towards it more and more. It has taken a lot longer than I thought, and it’s been absolutely excruciating (this year has been the most painful year of my life), but amazing progress has been made and I’m definitely on the verge of annihilation. I had my first waves of fana October 20, 21, and November 1. From what I researched, it’s common for people with dense and fearful egos to have introductory waves of fana before reaching full annihilation. Considering that I have had my first few waves of fana, and considering how extremely deep my consciousness has been getting lately (tastes of unity and other things) I am definitely very close and I’m sure it will be done before the end of the year. It’s interesting because when I was 15 and I was just starting to get into personal development, I decided to put an event in my calendar for 10 years down the road, telling me to reflect on where I’m at after 10 years of personal development. That event happened a few days ago on my birthday, December 12 2025. The event was titled “10 year period over”. It’s crazy because it’s almost like I unknowingly predicted the approximate time of my awakening 10 years ago - the time when these years of hell I’ve endured would finally be over. There have been lots of crazy synchronicities like this happening. But yeah, that’s everything. My life has dragged me to unity, kicking and screaming. Any day now I’ll be pulled into God, annihilated, and I’ll be back home and I’ll never have to suffer again.

Okay. By the way, I wanted to tell you more about what is going on with my awakening and my emissary soul path (in an old thread of mine, I'll tag you) I don't know it interests you, but everything I'm experiencing shows a very unique and rare way that God interacts with humans, something not well documented, so I figured you might want to hear about it. I think it's all really fascinating