Alex K

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About Alex K

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    Russia, Moscow
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  1. @FirstglimpseOMG I think without love part even awareness takes months and months to unwind this stores of negativity. I started to "Feel in" during self cursing as @DoubleYousuggested and after couple hours unearthed such a deposit of rather abstract chunked grief for simple nice life "being too hard". I have stored grief/self pity from thinks like that I need to get up, go to work, carry those 40 kilos of extra weight, that my classmates, parents, people where rude to me my whole life, that I need to be ill with fewer, I need to have headaches, need to be stupid during learning, need to think about not going broke, need to shower, had to feel shame, unsure, guilt. etc. All that little stuff had been adding to this "miscellaneous (self pity!?)" monolith store of negativity throughout my whole life and now it seems to manifest as this cursing and I started to purge it bit by bit yesterday))) Dunno maybe it's not that or maybe I'm right on. Feels like it will take many days at least to purge, maybe weeks who knows. Another cherry)))) My body rather energetically sways on it's own now practically all the extra time after 30-40 minutes of "Do Nothing" per day. And today it even swayed for 5-10 minutes after meditation sessions. For the reason of limited brain I haven't correlated this thing to that other thing (actually becuase swaying starts during Do Nothing and cursing During Mindfullness and crying during Feel In / Emotional Healing). Shit this is great! I have yet to watch vids on strange loops... Work on !
  2. @Privet Zdorovo! I'm from Russia too) I've read your journal and it is very inspiring, your self work is so serious! My understanding was that you just try to keep your focus on something during mindfullness, there should be no forcing or effort (in other words, no constant willpower applied to control ones mind) - so once you notice you are scattered or distracted, you just gently put your focus back to the target. Am I wrong? Can you please outline what was your progress in terms of going from 0 meditation to multiples of 1.5h SDS and mindfullness - I myself do at least 2x30m "Do Nothing" a day and slack off on weekends as I do those on trains to work. I want to start with mindfullness. Also how old are you? Thanks!
  3. As an update - I yesterday sat through maybe 2-3 hours of this in total and as a result I had so much energy incoming that I was unable to sleep trough the night and I still have lot of energy today. It can only mean one thing - practice is working perfectly! I dream to go to a consistent 2-3-4 hours a day and I start being able to take it finally it seems. Yay! @FirstglimpseOMG I hope I got you, some serious english in there) Thank you very much for such invigorating responce, myself is a happy proud ego) I think I experience a glimpse of what your convos convey, but only right after interval of practice. When I'm couple or more hours into maya, it vanishes - thanks for the heads up! So loving kindness I believe means giving it continued "online", "backround" love - meaning - unjudging warm accepting focus - as in contrast to intenlty, doer-ingly giving love and acceptance during self love exercises - right? There is so much growing for me to do, I want so much to be able to fully detach from talker and observe it, currently my awareness throughout talking feels like an intersection of two sets - a myself and a talker. I want that intersection gone Thanks!
  4. @DoubleYou Ok I'm trying that. In addition it means, it's time for me to start real work on mindfullness ;)).
  5. I think you do a lot to empty yourself from negative stuff, but you lack depositing positive stuff. Try Emotional Healing guide, self love.
  6. Hi All, Upfront, my question is: what would you say about such mind phenomenon? How to go about effectively resolving it? Or should I supress/ignore it somehow (I think this would be wrong) ? Thanks! I've noticed quite a while ago that when I decide to practice auto think / noticing thoughts, after some days matters are "auto discussed", my inner talker proceeds to tell me to f*ck myself in dosens of differnet ways, lots of other degrading things. My intuition/understanding is that it can be from stored decades of experiences of misery and "lower self" now needs to purge this all. Also I have a thought that this "lower self" was alone all this time and my "aware self" only started to grow couple years ago and now my "old more unconscious self" gives my "new self" some kind of a boot camp / stress test. Also it maybe "holds a grudge" against my "more aware self" that for it life is so much easier without negative emotions overwhelming it daily and also for that it wasn't there for that "older sef" through all that decades. Anyhow, my understanding of mind suggests that this struggle goes even when I do not notice and consumes a large chunk of my mind vital energy so I think this needs to be resolved. So, my simplest intuition is to let it naturally flow out like a pus. I've done very little noticing like this because it's rather straining and scary to me to hold through this waves, as I understand that thoughts can shape us and maybe it letting loose can contribute like some "negative affirmations". So I've done probably 3-10 hours of such noticing through the last year. Today I did like a whole hour nonstop and this flood never stopped or diminished. Nonetheless, towards the end of it I felt emotions/belief that I'm no good for anything, which I've "emotional healed" right there couple of times with acknowledging/self love/breathing, there is a lot of it still in there thou I feel. Finally, I'm posting a topic for this now because since the middle of December I started to notice that this kind of self cursing started to show up in my normal "Do Nothing" meditation, which it never did before. Love
  7. Authenticity experience shows my desires to answer any normal questions, neuroticism to work on and leads to unconditional love.
  8. @Peter Zemskov It is only mildly uncomfortable for you because: - you have some discipline installed through the year of training - or/and it is just 5-10 minutes and it gets harder with each +5 minutes, especially when your legs fall asleep, ass, back, legs start to hurt like they are on fire, etc. - or/and you have had some results nonetheless which you do not observe as they are still few - or/and you have some "natural" affinity or lifestyle to accomodate practice (like being "logical" not "emotional" or have had a need to deal with difficult people to survive or have had truely loving upbringing etc.) In all those cases, I would say it is wise: - to keep the timer on before you're comfortable with 30 minutes of meditation daily for many months -> to keep up the outter discipline, not to overdo it. - add 5 minutes and try for 2-4-8-... weeks, then add another 5, then another... In my experience 2-4 weeks of daily practice gives you answer if the level is sustainable. P.S. I meditate 95% of time via "Do Nothing", for the last 1.5 years I barely missed a day. Currently I have rather meager "stats" of 80 minutes a day through the average of 3-10 sessions, I'm years away from first awakening experience even, but my results are very good, I'm more and more monkylike )).
  9. @daniel695 Hi Daniel, your quote got lost. Psychosis is a serious mental condition. I've never had one. Consult with professional for medical help, consult and use meditation. Read and use emotional healing guide here. You ought to love yourself as you are with all imperfections, strengths and weaknesses, illnesses etc.
  10. @Peter Zemskov - Why do you think that adding more time will help you? - How do you meditate exactly? - What do you feel before, during and after meditation?
  11. @Krishna Siva Hi, try to be aware of this pattern - there is a vid from Leo "awareness alone is curative"
  12. Its not a paradox - one can communicate with aliens, logical enough. Paradox is like when you travel back in time to kill yourself.
  13. @egoless But what is your method to find the Truth? Why do you think you progress? Are you uniquely talented?
  14. @egoless I dunno, my oficial position - lets get enlightened all together and then look at all these questions once more. As egoes we are too limited to see to them. And it seems to me this was done purposefully