flume

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Posts posted by flume

  1. Posted

    I’m mostly just flowing through my days these weeks. Carefree, doing whatever I want to do, enjoying the **** out of this life. 

    Still, a few times a day my old to-do list pops up in my head and I go through all the points I used to “have to” do daily. (Seriously thinking about posting one of my crazy af habit trackers here for reference. It was wild :D) I go over them rapidly and check in my mind which of these things I’ve done. Something like “meditation-check, yoga-check, workout-check, cold shower-check, journaling-check, reading-NO CHECK —omg!! I really should still read today.” LOL. Like I can’t trust myself to do the things that are right for me. Like something terrible will happen if I don’t micromanage myself 24/7. 

    Not hating on habit trackers or anything btw. This approach has helped me a lot in the past and it might come back in some form or another, but I just need to find out who I am beyond that rigidity and self judgment for now…

    I’m quite happy to say that these thoughts become less though. I mostly just notice how tight they feel in my belly and I simply breathe through them. 

    _______________

    Sort of related, I really wanna share this video here. This is possibly the most important piece of content I ever consumed. Out of all the books, articles, videos, conversations, trips and other kind of knowledge I somehow gathered… If I could only give one advice to people it would be this.

    I watched this video for the first time 6 months ago, since then probably a handful of times. Something just clicked so deeply and I’m continuously changing into a completely different person since then. Everything became so simple all of a sudden…

    98% of my problems are solved by slowing down, simplifying my life and relaxing.

    If you think enlightenment is going to leave you relaxed and open, why not go there now by leaving behind everything that leaves you unrelaxed and closed down? Your body knows best.

  2. Posted

    • Keep expectations down
    • No pressure, more of a "let's just see how this is" - mindset
    • Do it with someone you trust
    • Talk about it upfront
    • Spend a long time on foreplay
    • Communicate during the experience. How does it feel? Is someone hurting/ feeling uncomfortable? Don't be afraid to take a step back if needed
    • No crazy positions to begin with. Choose a position where you can look into your partners eyes and feel them closely
    • Use proper contraception
    • Use lube
    • Enjoy :-)

  4. Posted

    Aw, I really love how many people are reading and participating in my journal. Love having your input here guys:x

    @Average Investor I'm just now in the process of reviving my old channel. Way at the beginning so to say. I filmed loads of things and am now realising I don't have a microphone that captures music properly and my storage is also completely full so I can't even get all that footage onto my laptop. Quite nerve wrecking xD The good thing is that I'm in no hurry at all. I'm also meeting up with a friend who's super good at editing, so he'll be able to help me out.

    Cool that toast masters helped you with your skills. Wouldn't be for me though... I'm not really aiming to do "sit down and chat" videos where things I say need to make chronological sense. What I wanna put out there is more poetical I guess. And that's a different kind of process.

    On 15/02/2021 at 4:02 AM, RendHeaven said:

    Would you say that a man who recognizes this is a superior lover (to one who doesn't)?

    Nah. That kind of thinking doesn't really resonate. It's more a question of compatibility I guess. Finding someone who's thinking in a similar direction and then carving a new path^_^

     

    @Maha So nice to have you here, thanks for reading!

    It's a tricky topic indeed. I've looked a lot into attachment styles and definitely was kind of avoidant in the past. Not too bad, but a tendency. So what you call a "strength" is a bit of a grey area. Part of why it's easy for these people to let go might be because they aren't actually able to open up to someone in the first place. They keep their guard up at all times.

    I think, in the ultimate sense, not being attached to someone is the only way of truly loving someone. It's like saying I love you for who you are, not for what you bring to me. I like how M. Scott Peck defines love as "The will to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth". If we could bring this definition into focus, a sort of growth mindset to serve each others evolution, that would be much different from relationships I've known so far.

    While I'm not pushing the individuality thing onto anybody (just reflecting for myself here), I do think it'd be healthy for people to get a sense of who they are independently from romantic relationships. I just see so many couples around me that derive much of their identity from another person. And I feel it's clouding their vision on whether this relationship actually still makes sense.

    I also think that deciding on marriage, kids, or "just sex" is independent of the above. There can be attachment/ growth/ love in all these things but there doesn't have to. 

    I like Khalil Gibrans perspective as usual

    Marriage.jpg

  6. Posted

    Let’s talk about relationships for a minute. (I wrote most of this 2 weeks ago)

    I’ve recently wrote down the name of every single man I’ve been in a relationship or longer encounter with and reflected on 2 things:

    • What I loved about them/ What made me attracted to them
    • What I’m thankful for learning in this relationship

    It’s a pretty awesome exercise, I totally recommend it. Feels like closure. Very cleansing indeed.

    There aren’t really any common threads I found. All these men were completely different from one another. The only commonality I found is that it always ends the same way. It’s difficult to explain but I’ll try anyways: 

    I’m always going deep into a relationship pretty quickly. I’m terrible at casual dating, I don’t even know how I’d do that. Actually, I’m terrible at casual-anything. I don’t do things casuallyxD

    So anyways, after spending some (intense) time with me, men tend to have some kind of huge epiphany about their lives. It’s always a different kind of insight but it’s clear to them that “something in my life has to drastically change”. And they do. It’s usually clear to me pretty quickly that I’m not gonna be part of this new life. It’s not a decision I make, more of a feeling that my job is done here, and this is where we’re meant to separate. Super weird mechanism.

    I’m not consciously doing any of this though. I never set out to change someone. I’m just a regular girl going on a date. Anyways….

    On my side, I’m just leaving the relationship feeling basically the same as before. I thought about empathy the other day and that maybe I don’t have any. Is it leftovers of avoidant attachment that make me feel just fine whenever a relationship ends? I don’t know.

    So after taking a few shots to get involved with men over the past year it just felt like life was telling me loud and clear: “It’s not the time to be in a relationship right now” 

    There’s also this realisation that a normal relationship just doesn’t work for me. It gets mundane so quickly and you start taking each other for granted. I always feel like I loose myself in these relationships, like we’re melting into one. But that’s not actually what I want. I want to be me and I want you to be you. I want people to live their individuality, to fully know who they are. When I look around at couples in my life, that’s not what I see and I don’t envy them for their “bonds”.

    It’s funny how people always say long distance relationships are the worst. I’m thinking that maybe it wouldn’t be terrible at all: You consciously decide when you see each other, you appreciate the time you spend together, you have enough time by yourself. 

    Wow, do I sound like an avoidant ice block writing all of this?

    I just feel like projections are a given when people spend all their time together. I notice that in me. I turn into an emotional cocktail and suddenly expect guys I’m with to fix all my stuff. Which is ridiculous, I’m doing life fine when I’m single. It’s like I forget to appreciate people for who they are when we spend too much time together. Same with friends and family. I turn them into “objects”, only seeing how they could benefit me… And it feels terrible to be honest.

    I’d lie if I’d say I don’t long for a man in my life sometimes. I totally do. But not just any man. I want someone who isn’t afraid to lead, to put me into place when I’m getting hung up on some bs, someone that can take care of his life without me fine and someone who still desires and appreciates me endlessly even though he doesn’t need me. That’s what I’d call a relationship: Freely choosing to be with one another, time and time again, for the ecstasy of being together, not for stilling some kind of hunger. I just want someone whose integrity I can respect and to whom I in turn naturally surrender… (And be off to write you a thousand love songs like Lana Del Rey).

    Haha, I just realised it’s valentine’s day today. Maybe that’s why I’m feeling all girly and drawn to put my thoughts together on this topic today. Love is so much fun. Not like I really care about valentine’s day but I unexpectedly got some chocolate. How’s that for a nice surprise^_^

  12. Posted

    Matt Kahn has an interesting perspective on this. Maybe helpful, maybe not:

    He says if attention is not with the breath your body gets the sign subconsciously that death is near. It starts fast tracking you towards that in an experience called deterioration, or what we know as “ageing”. So to reverse the ageing process, we return to our breath, which is also the fountain of youth.

    I notice "timelessness" in the bodies of people that meditate a lot (and presumably work with their breath a lot). Their body may age, but they’re radiant and alive.

    Fear = excitement without breath.

  16. Posted

    Ok, let’s do this. Would be cool to have all our amazing recipes in one place. Everyone's welcome to chip in. Let's share ideas and make healthy cooking fun and tasty^_^

    I’ll start with a healthy “Raw Cookie-Dough-Balls” recipe
    (Inpiritation: Becca Bristows blog)

    Ingredients:
    (Just mix them all together and form into balls)

    • 1 cup oat flour
    • 1/2 cup almond flour
    • 1 tbsp flax seeds
    • Pinch salt
    • 2 tbsp coconut oil, melted
    • 2 tbsp peanut butter
    • 2 tbsp maple syrup
    • 1 tsp vanilla
    • 1/4 cup chocolate chips (preferably 85% +)

    P1050011.jpgP1050012.jpg

    I’ll link some older threads as well: How To Enjoy Salad and Immunity Supporting Shots

    Take it away boys! (@Michael569 @Average Investor @fridjonk) ^_^

  17. Posted

    Had the urge to completely clean up my desk space today. It looked really nice and artsy before, I had all kind of quotes and pictures up on the wall… But now I just threw out everything that I don’t really need: Post cards, inspirational quotes, ideas for different projects, the me-sheet, book lists, to-do lists, to-buy lists, to-research lists, pictures, memories... I packed them away or threw them out. Even the Matt Kahn sheet I liked to look through every once in a while… Time to let that go.

    There are also a couple of books that I can’t seem to get through, that just keep sitting on my to-read stack. I finally put them on my shelf. Ah… What a feeling. Now I don’t have to see them everyday and feel terrible for not reading themxD

    I feel kind of naked sitting at my desk now. But it also feels good. Like I’m making room for something new, even though I don’t know yet what that new thing is.

  18. Posted

    Slow down. This fast sex desensitises the genitals in the long term. That's the case for both men and women. I'm guessing this is why your gf can't come. She never learnt to feel the subtle energies moving through her and probably doesn't even know what she's really looking for in sex. You wanting to give her an orgasm (which is meant as a sweet gesture) might put a lot of pressure on her and I doubt that going harder and faster is gonna get you there... At least for me, that's not how it works. Just my experience of course, but as a woman, I really don't care that much about the orgasm. Even when I had great ones, it's not the best part of sex. When I'm thinking about sex it's insane connection, vulnerability, polarity and play that makes it "good". It's not about a special technique or speed.

    Try and put the focus completely off orgasm for some time, try to enjoy the process and see what happens.

    It's been recommended 100 times on this forum, but check out David Deidas work. Also look into tantra and read "Slow Sex" by Diana Richardson (Thanks @aurum:ph34r: Life changing book!)

  19. Posted

    If ever there was a movie character I could relate to it’s Gale Boetticher. The kettle, the tea, the carpets, plants, instruments, the random music, perfectly singing along the lyrics, even the lights, random nerdy interests, being a health nut, the extreme introversion and a friendly sociable face that covers it all up just fine :-)

    Better believe my evenings are like that.

     

  22. Posted

    Ditching the Life Purpose course

    At this point, the approach is more of a hindrance than it is helpful. The first time I did the course I was super excited to dream about the future, section my day out in advance and really see where this is going. Now I’m just so damn happy about where things are at and I’m so in the flow at work, I just wanna let it unfold.

    Some days I just want to read, others I just want to be still and stretch and meditate a lot, then I have some awesome ideas about writing, the I’m totally into music, in summer I spend all day in the garden, then I might spend days at work to figure out some new approach… But I do almost none of these things daily. And even putting them as a weekly “to-do” feels totally weird. In my case that’s unnecessary, artificial pressure. It really doesn’t work well for me. It’s just not necessary anymore. Maybe it’s an exploration kind of phase for me right now: I’m keeping my mind open to so many things, opinions, art forms, people, etc. But I’m also feeling on point purpose wise. It’s like I’m totally at the beginning and at the pinnacle of what I want to do at the same time.

    I’m so in awe at the things that are coming to me everyday, either from the inside or the outside, I don’t wanna shut myself off to possibilities by “narrowing down” my focus to chip away at the same thing like a maniac.

    I’m now at the point (in the course) of figuring out my zone of genius and I might just drop it all here. It’s not the time for a framework like that right now. I still worked through the question and my purpose would probably be something like “Follow what I authentically enjoy and thereby inspiring others to do the same.” Or: "Finding new, unique approaches and connections to help people live an overall balanced life”

    But I just can’t continue. How should I come up with a vision? What do I want to put on my vision board? Honestly, nothing comes up. 

    Even looking at my old one… It’s beautiful. But having a huge library? Living in a little house in the middle of nowhere? Publishing poetry? A super fit yoga body? A man to give my love to?

    I’d not trade the life I have right now for any of these things. I wouldn’t trade my life for anything. And something inside of me feels like I shouldn’t say that online because we live in a society where being miserable is somehow fashionable… But that’s just the truth.

    Sure it would be cool to afford a new car or a new instrument, sure it would be nice to have deeper knowledge on so many things, sure it would be cool to publish some things, do the splits, etc. And yes of course, there are still some unhelpful patterns to unravel… But there’s also beauty in letting those things come in time. No need to micro-manage things. The desperation is somehow gone.

    A recent MDMA trip might play some part in this as well. I realised once again the absolute beauty of figuring life out by living it, showing up even when it’s hard, not having all the answers, not having a plan for everything and being open to life as it unfolds. Faith has taken the lead…

  24. Posted

    David Deida once described the

    • male way of enlightenment as a search for freedom (freedom from constriction, search for release, emptying oneself, identifying what one is NOT)
    • and the female way as a search for unconditional love (becoming "full" of love, compassion and taking all things as part of yourself, surrender, openness)

    So the approach is different, but in the end freedom and love turn out to be two sides of the same coin.