Life Transformation Documentation/Journal

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This ended up being a raw, unbaked confession of how I felt on this forum and why my activity is about to significantly decrease or not be present at all for a long time, if not forever.

I've tried to fit into this forum for the past few months. I tried being compassionate at the beginning, to being more straight forward, to taking on more of a student archetype, to being more of the sharer archetype, to trying to be the archetype that reveals people's blind spots on here, but it just isn't working.

The compassionate archetype seemed to get a positive response on here, and I felt some value being added, but then after later inspection I think the positive reaction was short lived as people didn't really take the advice on board. The straight forward archetype was ignored more often but more effective, yet ignored too much. The revealing people's blindspots archetype didn't really work well because people just got defensive. The student archetype didn't work because I already know everything. There's nothing I can learn here anymore, on every subsection, especially the consciousness one. The sharing archetype doesn't work because what I share is too advanced for people on here and they are into lower consciousness stuff.

This forum is feeling like I'm scraping at the bottom of the barrel. There's no more insights to extract from here. Everything in the consciousness section I've already traveled through. And I can't help because they don't get what I'm saying as its too advanced. There are definitely some really powerful posts and insights and ideas here and there, but they come every blue moon. Its more effective for me to just look here passively once a month. The dating section is the same. The stuff I know is just too advanced for the people on there. Its not necessarily how good I am with women, but my level of thinking is just totally out of wack with people on there. I feel like I've been where they have been, but bloody 6 or 7 years ago. Lots have changed since then. I've tried to share this higher level thinking(my posts of tantra and how to approach women in a different way), only a couple of users get it though. The health section is a little bit useful, but I find that to solve health problems you need to really go deep yourself into it, and not ask people on the forum for advice. Its a great place to get ideas from and see whats new in health though. Even the environmental section... I am really bad at politics. I've probably read 10 books in total in the last 3 years, and half of those were spiritual books, and the other half were books for my career (startup entrepreneur). I've read absolutely no books on spiral dynamics, or politics or economy, yet even then I when I read people's posts in the politics section I can instantly point out where they are being deluded, or maybe not deluded but limited, or mixing up the context, or something like that. I can point out a better way basically. And when I point it out to them, they have no answer! Again feeling like I'm on a different wavelength... which is just disturbing, because I'm at around orange/green. I'd like to feel like people can out wit me again. I love that feeling because it means I can grow. I don't learn much from that section either. There are a couple that I love reading from like ep75 or something and forestluv(I forgot to add, for the consciousness section I get lots of value from Nahm and Mandyjw till recently, they are still awesome but after the recent realizations, even those conversations are getting old, that's why I'm so hard on psychedelics, humans are just getting too limited), but even then there's still lots of areas I can point out where common sense isn't being applied, they are thinking a bit limited, or something else. 

Forget this place for psychedelics, the people on here are serious noobs compared to face to face people and people on dmt-nexus and shroomery. I know people using datura to radically improve their life. I plan to follow them. The people I talk to face to face who do psychedelics tend to know alot more about spirituality, and I resonate with them a lot more now. They tend to go beyond infinite love just because psychedelics show you so much, so much more then what a spiritual path could. You literally get an alien brain. Its amazing, the psychedelic groups get spirituality so much better then Ananda, Ramaji, buddhists, you name it. I think shamans know more about infinite love and consciousness then the buddha after my experiences with psychedelic and shamanic groups (both in asia and my local home country).

I am really feeling a strong strong strong urge to get deeper into psychedelic circles to advance my spiritual path. I want to get into datura, 5-meo, shamanism, and psychedelic research. I want to dedicate my life purpose to building machines that alter people's states of consciousness, I'm feeling super passionate about that.

The realization of infinite love is not the end of the spiritual path. Its 0.01% of it, and I realized this without psychedelics. I realized it sober, so just imagine how big the spiritual path really is. My infinite love awakening that happened 4 or so months ago was a realization that the entire spiritual path was just designed to increase how beautiful realizing the world is love, is. And there was no I, the path went through itself. Which was the amazing part, it was like the world was a movie the entire time. Fast forward to now and after having some realizations such as the present moment doesn't exist, deeper realizations of infinity, deeper realizations of what's beyond the 1st person perspective, like infinite love awakenings that included realizations of every single being on the planet at once (which wont make sense to anyone on this forum) realizing that solving my trauma requires me solving sociological traumas like world war 2 and the vietnam war(because world war 2 is behind the eyes, and gives you suffering) I've come to realize that infinite love is just 0.01% of what can be realized in this universe. And going deeper into that requires psychedelics. These days I get far more insights just looking at a brick then I do reading books or doing meditation techniques. Really the only way forward is psychedelics. I've gotta try my hardest to go in that area. That's why I'm super passionate about making altered states of consciousness machines. Like neuralink. I see this is how you get from LOC 1000 to LOC 2000, LOC 3000, LOC 30000, LOC 9000000000, etc. Its about transforming the human brain to an alien brain. This is how you turn humans into machine elves and revolutionize science, health, art, everything.

I completely and utterly disagree with people who think the spiritual path ends at infinite love. Those people are just simply fools. It goes way beyond that. They are completely out of touch with machine elves and forms beyond human. They don't know that machine elves are born with infinite love, and then go along the spiritual path to get to LOC 10000, and its possible for humans too through psychedelics or machinery. Infinite love awakening is still relative to the human experience. Its looking at the infinite through the finite mind. But that infinite can be seen totally differently depending on the finite mind (as psychedelics show) and I've also experienced (sober) experiencing the infinite through the infinite mind, which is so profound and radical that I will just not explain it here.

I feel like I'm reaching the end of what this human mind is capable of. I just cannot seem to increase it through meditation or yoga or psychedelics that easily. I actually upgrade it or it's baseline consciousness just increases at a steady rate if I do nothing and just live my life like normal. I get insights from everything, from the shops, other people, the sun, plants. Its like I can look at an object and look past the veil and see an explosion of intelligence. And this process is far more powerful then meditation or anything else. How do I get higher then this? I've gotta manually modify the brain through psychedelics or machines. And thats why this is definitely my life purpose.

I definitely don't resonate with people on here, not because I don't understand them, but because they are at a level that I was at years ago, and I can really feel that. And then the ones that are at my level, have no desire in continuing the path. So there's virtually no one on here with the same interests as me, or they do, but not in the same way as me. They are into LOA or stuff that I have no interest in.

This forum is feeling like I'm at level 20, but I keep messing around at level 1. And its just getting boring, and so I'll be leaving and maybe revisiting casually.

Having said the above, I also acknowledge that there were some really powerful and juicy lessons I learnt through being here. I certainly didn't always feel this way. Being here I really did feel like there was lots to learn and people knew more then I did. And that was a great time. But now that time is over.

And this is another reason why I'm not feeling it to stay here much longer. My patience for people who aren't serious about spirituality, are too afraid, too scared, aren't willing to put their money where their mouth is, is running super thin. And for the first time in a while, I couldn't help myself and said what I've been thinking a while to this guy:

The universe is infinite love for fucks sake. What in the fuck is the worst case scenario if you get psychotic or schizophrenic a little? And FYI don't you know what increasing your baseline is? Its getting a little schizophrenic or psychotic you idiot! That IS the later stages. What else could it be? You think increasing your baseline is all sunshine and rainbows? Fuck no! The entire universe changes.

This isn't just limited to this steven guy, its loads of users on here. They can't take it when you get a little bit serious with them. Mention just a little schizophrenia or psychosis or insanity, and the most spiritual on here run like little juvenile kids.

Actually my honest opinion is if you're not permanently psychotic, then your baseline isn't that high. I was refraining a lot with that comment.

Edited by electroBeam

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Went through some purification today caused by the san pedro trip I had yesterday.

It was quite scary at the start, but as the purification processed, it became easier. Sense of aloneness deepened a lot. There's a much deeper sense now that I don't talk to people, and people don't talk to me. Everything is seeming way more like a play. I'm looking at electroBeam's interactions with others much more from a 3rd person perspective, where I see the interaction from a bird's eye view, and notice how the interaction is designed (what the other says, how they say it, what electroBeam says, how he says it) to form a beautiful play, a play that makes the universe more loving in total. I'm now no longer aware of what control or free will actually means, as things unfold as part of maximizing love rather than something I'm doing.

It was initially scary at the start, I felt like I was being sucked into a space where there was no grounding what so ever. There was no control. And there were no others at all. Everyone is a puppet by created and run by ME. The mystery of what the other is going to say, and what the other is going to do, sort of fled because I became fully conscious that I was creating them. That they were talking based on me.

Dislike or hatred totally vanished as I was sucked into this world. Because no one was talking to me, no one hated me. It was just a play of interaction created by me the mastermind. Their hatred or passion against anyone was just a facade created by me as part of my natural process of creating a beautiful story. No one knows more about the truth then I do, no one knows more about anything then I do. Their intelligence, wisdom and truth was all coming from me. And this felt very scary because I all of a sudden was responsible for all of the hard stuff: knowing whats true, knowing how to save the world, etc. The level of responsibility was scary because I couldn't palm it off to anyone like a spiritual teacher or political leader. I am literally responsible for the creation of everything (including Trump) and ensuring things happen in a way that causes the most amount of love. I felt that responsibility as it was revealed to me that everyone's intelligence, love, wisdom and energy was coming from me. And it was my responsibility to ensure they had enough of it.

I totally developed amnesia for remembering what its like for others to have their own sense of responsibility, love, wisdom and intelligence. I've totally forgotten what that's like. I'm now calling the shots, and that's the way it is. I've lost the ability to give responsibility to others. I'm now in control of everyone.

Edited by electroBeam

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3 hours ago, AMTO said:

@electroBeam Sorry. One more point. If you deeply feel what you said here...

“Others don't exist. Literally. It seems like this may be triggering you somehow”. 
Then all the negativity and frustration you’ve just expressed on here towards life and others on this forum is just you talking to and getting annoyed by yourself, or in other words game playing, surely ☺️




This is a common misconception. What you have to understand somehow is the play includes frustration and all the other emotions, not just the ones your ego likes. We're talking about a play here, like a shakespeare play, not some life where we methodologically aim for happiness and remove hatred.

4 hours ago, AMTO said:

@electroBeam But why feel so much pressure if it’s just you making up stories? Isn’t it the case that when you awaken deeply enough you realise that nothing was ever even happening. In which case all you can ever do is surrender to what is. In which case there’s no “I“ controlling anyone or anything. That’s just another story. 

Thats all relevant at the early stages, but once you fully realize yourself as God, you must also realize uncomfortable things too.

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jeeezus, this cactus really got to me. Or I was just ready.

Further insights:

  • Everyone is hiding something. And what they are hiding is the truth. Even very enlightened beings are hiding something from themselves. You naturally don't want to open or reveal that thing you're hiding. It doesn't feel good to do so, it feels uncomfortable. We try and get to the truth every other way then opening up that pandoras box that we really don't want to open. Eventually we say fuck it, give up, and open up that thing. And that's usually when an awakening happens, or deep healing. We go to great lengths to hide the truth. What's the ultimate truth? Its not infinite love xD, yes the universe is infinite love. But that's not the truth. The truth is you're radically acting. You're radically pretending, everything. The truth is, you getting angry at someone is you pretending to get angry at someone. You getting depressed is you pretending to get depressed. You being a sincere truth seeker is you pretending to be a sincere truth seeker. You striving for insights into mysticism is you pretending to strive for insights into mysticism. The truth is, that's all a dance, play, show. To a radical level. Its so damn radical. All arguments are you just pretending. Everything you know about spirituality is just to distract you from the truth that you're pretending. Everything Rumi, Leo, Mooji says, is all there to distract you from the hidden truth that you're pretending. Yogis have said life is a dance and that you're pretending, and that you're playing hide and seek with yourself, but this goes really radically. You're even pretending that life is a dance and a play, and that you're playing hide and seek, and then you're pretending that, and that, and that, for eternity. Infinite pretending. I'm even pretending that this post matters, pretending because this post is part of a beautiful play I've set up in this world. A play where the climax is always love, and everything I pretend, the depression, anger, sadness, fear, excitement, confusion, laughter, is just to celebrate the climax of love. You completely stop integrating, completely stop seeking, completely stop deepening your awakening when you fully realize how much you're acting and pretending. Because you're even pretending to deepen your awakening, you're pretending to integrate more and more, its all a fucken play, literally all of it. And you pretend because how else can you truly feel all of your emotions if you're not pretending? To fully feel the play, for the play to be real, you gotta pretend. Otherwise there's no play. You gotta game yourself for the play to be a play. Otherwise the play can't exist. I'm gaming myself now, that's the beautiful part, with this post. And I'm fully aware that I'm gaming myself. All of this isn't caused by me becoming enlightened, this is just me making a beautiful play. That's what my entire life has always been, just me making a beautiful play, and pretending that its real. And I pretended on purpose. Because I love pretending. Its what makes the world loving. Pretending allows love. This was planned, I'm pretending I got lucky getting enlightened, pretending xD This was the plan since birth. And because I pretended so god damn hard, that pretending is what makes this moment special: There thats the point of pretending! And paradoxically, this work goes deeper. There's more. There's more to what's going on, and I'll pretend to want to know more stuff about the truth, about love, about how this universe works as part of the play, while paradoxically and simultaneously having deeper knowings and realizations. Because it just so happens that you can actually build off this realization as a base and go deeper. This pretending and play shit isn't as deep as it goes, its much deeper then infinite love, but there's more. There's more about how infinite love works, how the play works, and what the truth really is.
Edited by electroBeam

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@electroBeam you're one of the few people here which i enjoy reading to. Please don't stop sharing your insights.

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On 12/14/2020 at 7:39 PM, Frenk said:

@electroBeam you're one of the few people here which i enjoy reading to. Please don't stop sharing your insights.

thanks for the encouragement!

Insight on What Suffering Actually Is

If the universe is infinite, it means its everything possible. If its everything possible, then it must also be possible to not see the truth/not see how things are. Suffering is literally not seeing how things are/the truth.

Suffering = False.

Happiness = True.

Suffering and Happiness aren't separate to truth. That's a huge mistake I've been making my entire journey. I had this idea in my head that truth was not happiness, and that people who were seeking happiness were not as sincere as people who were seeking truth. This has been shown to be completely hogwash because suffering literally equals not seeing how things are. Woops.


So then why do you get happy when playing video games and eating mcdonalds? Because its possible for the ego to play really sneaky games. Its possible for the ego to make you see the truth/outline the truth, when you are conforming with its biases. And its possible for the ego to make you see falsehood when you aren't conforming with its biases.

So if you are meditating, and you feel resistance, yet dont feel resistance eating mcdonalds, its because when meditating, your perspective of meditating is wrong. You are believing stuff, have a perspective of meditation that isn't actual. Yet when eating mcdonalds, your perspective is actual, you are in the present moment more, you are enjoying reality more.

You need to watch this ego trick very carefully, its a very sneaky trick.

Damn, can't get over how I didn't see truth = happiness and suffering literally = false/not actual.

@Nahm damn, finally see why you're so LOAish hahaha. You're even wiser then I thought! Why didnt ya tell me this before???? Well now my only option is to reduce suffering and chase happiness, instead of being some grand amazing seeker thats chasing truth because hes so much better and cooler then everyone else. Damn I'm normal, how boring. xD

Sorry Nahm ignore everything after EDIT, I'm just spazzing out hahahahaha.

EDIT: ohhhhh damn, the entire point the whole time was just feeling good and reducing suffering. Ohhh damn the rest was deception. ohhhhh damn people told me this and I didn't listen. ohhhh damnnnnnnnnnn. It was so simple. Ohhh god damn jeeeezuz. Pursuing truth, what a load of deception shhhhhhhhhittttttttttttttttttttt.

ohhh damn, all that other shit is a distraction. Ohhhh damn it really is. What people say, epistemology, helping others, pursuing truth, meditating, yoga, spiritual path, realizations, is all post the absolute fundamental of feeling good. Feeling good and reducing suffering is literally prior to all of that. Ohhhh damnnnnnnnnnnnn. So deluded hahahahaha. Omigosh. What da fuck. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh damnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn understanding how reality works is post feeling goooooooooooooooooood. Knowing how reality works is post feeling goooooooooooooood. Oh fuuuuuuuuuuuuuk. OMFG, its all just fucking feeling good. Wanting to know how reality works was just reducing suffering. Insights was just reducing suffering. Realizations was just reducing suffering. There's literally nothing over than happiness and veering off seeing that through suffering. What the actual fuck. Can't believe it. I can't know any more than this lol.


OMFG there's literally 0 suffering happening now. What the actual fuck, all that reincarnation and enlightenment was all post feeling good. All that infinite and finite shit was post feeling good. OMFG you don't need to have 0 body to have 0 suffering. That was all deception. You don't need to stop eating or doing conditional stuff to have 0 suffering. That was all deception. What in the flying fuck. I can't believe everything was a lie. jeeeezus christ. jeeeezus christ.

OMFG "no others", "no ego" is post feeling good. OHHH MYYYY GODDDDD. The universe is groundless is post feeling good. The truth is literally happiness and 0 suffering. No its not knowing shit. Knowing shit is post feeling good.

The answer to everything is happiness.

I am so happy right now that its scary. I feel like I'm gonna disappear. I feel like the entire universe is just gonna do something radical. Like a breakthrough trip. Like I can't see anything the same way ever again.

Ok this is scary. Really scary.

Every fucken awakening, contraction/expansion, knowing, new state of consciousness is fucking post feeling good.

This is the only thing you can't tell people, because its too obvious and simple. So oneness and everything else is the only way. If you could tell people, they wouldnt need any of that other crap.


this is the only thing you cannot explain. This is the only thing you can't know, because knowing is within happiness. jeeezus. christ.

OMG, when Leo say "you've cleverly divided yourself" that statement was an example of you cleverly dividing yourself, because its not true. Its suffering.



EDIT 4: I just got a very unconventional download that the truth is literally what I want.

The truth is literally what I want.

No like, everything that's happening right now, my entire life, is what I wanted.


Well if its not what I wanted, then what's it doing here????????????????????????

Why would I manifest something I didn't want????????????????????????????????????


what in the flying fuck is going on. what the flying fuck.

Why is everything in my life happening the exact way I wanted it.

:o :o :o I also want to ask whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy That's why I'm asking why.

Is the point of life to just realize that what I want is whats happening?

Edited by electroBeam

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Really Profound Insight

All Suffering/resistance is an artificially constructed label that isn't true. ALL SUFFERING/RESISTANCE! Hatred, jealousy, judgement, envy, confusion, dysphoria, low self esteem, sadness, depression, mania, dysfunction, addiction, pain, etc. ETC!

The thing our label is pointing to, is literally growth, expansion, movement towards 'higher', movement towards god, movement towards the divine, etc.

Suffering/resistance literally does not exist, all that exists is HEALING and GROWTH and MOVEMENT TOWARDS THE DIVINE.

Resistance from not wanting to clean the house or pick up dogshit is our artificial label/construct of resistance or suffering or pain + expansion/growth/movement towards the divine.

The label of "resistance" or "suffering" or "pain" is problematic, because it contains the expansion. Like a balloon that you're blowing air into. The feeling that the label "suffering" points to gets more and more intense, as the labels keep it from expanding. That's why the more you resist cleaning dogshit, the more "suffering" you go through.

Let go of the labels of pain, suffering, resistance, and all of its little minions like jealousy and hatred and addiction. Let them all go completely. As if you don't know what they all mean anymore. And feel what those things are pointing to directly. Because that feeling IS NOT suffering. That feeling is growth and expansion. There is no such thing as suffering. There is no such thing as pain. There is no such thing as not healing. There is no such thing as resistance. All there is, is healing/growth.

And your resistance to cleaning the dogshit, and then you noticing that resistance doesn't exist, and that all there is, is healing, is also healing ;)

Also... because the universe is infinite, you could let go of stuff forever. Its like zooming into molecules, then you notice atoms, then you notice electrons, then you notice quarks. And when telescopes get more powerful, there will be things in quarks, forever and ever and ever.

And that's like letting go, you've always go stuff to let go of. Don't let anyone tell ya that there's this almighty thing called "awakening" where you've completely let go over everything. Because there isn't. the concept of awakening is of the same stature as a conspiracy theory. There always more to let go of, forever and ever. Its literally impossible to completely let go of everything, because there's infinite stuff to let go of.

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On 15/01/2021 at 6:08 PM, AMTO said:

@electroBeam This might sound like an odd question, but if someone succeeded in fully letting go of a problem or bad experience, do you think it’s possible that that experience could disappear entirely from their memory? 

I don't think trying to make anything disappear from your memory is a good strategy to alleviate the suffering that is causing you grief. Rather recontextualise the experience into seeing how its a lesson that helps you grow, expand, teach you new things to be happier, and integrate that experience as a positive influence on who you are at your core, is much more effective. In other words, love the bad experience, let go of the judgements of that experience (I.E. the word "Bad"), invite it, embrace it, be proud of it, include it with who you are.

Recontextualization of Desire

Desires are not quenched through attainment of manifestation. Desires are quenched through learning and embodying lessons, through expanding your experience, through understanding more deeply.

The function of desire is to ensure consciousness expands, loves more, and grows more.

It is a misunderstanding that a desire is something that pushes you to physically manifest something. Rather its pushing you to become aware of a new perspective, worldview, embodiment of a skill or its pushing you to let go of an old paradigm.

Its a misunderstanding that a desire is something that can only be quenched in the future. The desire is quenched as soon as you learn the lesson.

For example, if you have a big desire to buy a big car, you don't actually want a car. What you want is an experience that the car will supposedly give you. That experience has absolutely nothing to do with a car, neither to do with any material manifestation. Its got to do with consciousness wanting to expand and explore a particular understanding or experience. Or to gain new skills. What is it about a new car that turns you on? Driving fast? The smoothness of turning around the corners? What is it about driving fast and smoothly turning around the corners that turns you on? The pure feeling of fastness and smoothness... ohhhhh I want my body to be smoother and faster because currently its unhealthy. Ok so instead of getting a big car, I'm gonna be healthier and do yoga.

Another example... I want this hot chick, she so hot. Ok have you noticed that as soon as you get that hot chick you don't want her anymore? Maybe what you want is the chase rather than the attainment of her. What is it about the chase that you like? It feels good when girls like me, I want to feel desired. Ok what is it about feeling desired that turns you on? It makes me feel people love me. BOOM. Ok so what you want is others to love you. Instead of focusing on getting that hot chick, focus on skills to get people to love you (charisma skills). What else about the chick do you want? She's hot and I want to have sex with her. Ok what is it about sex that you want from her? I want to feel an energy transfer. Ok cool so when interacting with girls, focus on and emit that desire for that pure energy transfer.

You can visualize deeply the core of the desire (which is never physical or material, or requires anything other then a bit of imagination) being fully actualized in your mind. Then you will feel completely satisfied for a while. To maintain it and take it beyond "for a while" you gotta show yourself that its not something that you are just in your head, its also something that you are by your actions. So act it out, show yourself that you are this desire, you don't want this desire, the desire is who you are. You are someone with a fast and smooth body (because you eat healthy) you are someone who everybody loves (because you act charismatic), you are someone who transfers energy in the form of sex (because your lifestyle is someone who asks girls out)... notice that the desire doesn't have to be materialistically manifested to be quenched, its just got to be first clarified (figure out the expansion, understanding, exploration of experience that the desire is pointing to) then embodied as who you are (by acting in a way where that clarification of the desire becomes who you are).

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Haven't visited here in a while but felt the urge to.

Feeling extremely rejuvenated, like there's just pixie dust all around me and I'm playing in it like how a kid plays in a sandpit. There's a very strong energetic pathway from the root chakra to close to my eyes and forehead, and the energy pathway is causing tears to swell up my eyes as I write this. I'm listening to a song that at this moment is reminding me of a breakup I had, all of the memories of what my life was like, what my worldview was, etc which is creating a huge flow of nostalgia. It represents to me a closing of a chapter, and an opening of another, which is what I'm going through right now.

I've just, without a doubt, just fully realized a life purpose for myself which will provide me with the grounding needed to keep focused on maintaining and generating more bliss in my life moving forward. Its a gateway to insanely deep clarity, and the collapse of huge fragments of confusion, confusion which is the substrate for mental masturbation, more seeking, more ego, more dogma and more confusion.

It took a while to find it, 6-7 years of very intense searching, yet its finally come to fruition now.

The life purpose revolves around a deep satisfaction with progressing through life without the need to achieve anything. Achievement misdirects your karma to point towards focusing on illusory thoughts about things you have no evidence or idea about, like what will happen in the future, how you will feel in the future, etc, rather than the bliss in the now. And with fully letting go of the need to achieve or fully realize goals, allows you to work on things which have no benefit (or at least immediate benefit) in the future, yet a things which have deep resonance with the bliss of the now. For me this will be embarking on a journey of learning about, embodying energy work, trauma work and psychedelics with the core focus of healing as deeply as possible. Traversing so deeply that the point will not be healing others, or making the world a better place, but to simply explore, learning and travel as deeply as possible into the foundations, mechanics and techniques of energetic healing modalities simply for the sake of a love of mastering techniques and exploring the depths of consciousness, and sharing my perspective of view of those depths for those interested simply through the eminence of my character. Along with energetic healing modalities, traversing as deeply as possible in the area of mathematics, artificial intelligence, and any engineering disciplines very related to mathematics such as computer kernels will happen at the same time in parallel with the learning of energetic healing modalities, with the intention of merging them together, like yin and yang. Not strictly career related, but my life will also involve exposure to as many different diverse, strange, interesting, fascinating, amazing, challenging, amazing experiences as possible.

With this purpose, I now have a grounded and stable goal and focus to achieve that I know for sure will make me blissful 24/7.

@flume missed this message, thanks for the compliment, loved it!

Edited by electroBeam

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Finally awakened, jeez that was a tough journey.

So the tail end of it was, I started getting existential terror again. Which is what I got a lot back in mid 2020, yet this time it felt like another awakening, but it was a bit scary because i was feeling like the external world didn't exist, which freaked me out a bit. I also started forgetting time, what day it was and the date all sober, which again was a bit scary.

It all started because i had figured out a way of dieting and also reducing my reliance on sex all with my mind. Instead of eating healthy food, I just started imagining eating healthy food. Instead of having sex I just started imagining that I was having sex.

After doing this for a while, I couldn't tell the difference between my imagination and the external world, which scared me a bit because i felt like the external world was disappearing. Then I started getting this feeling that everything in the external world is my imagination and that the 2 aren't separate. So me imagining im eating a chocolate = me eating a chocolate in the external world. Which made the external world feel like a dream even more then it was. I also started getting a very strong sense that all the people in my life don't exist. They are empty surfaces. Which again freaked me out a bit. So if they are empty surfaces, then whose the one controlling those surfaces? Me or Universal Love. So the entire existence started feeling really really small because it was only me and Universal Love. I mistakenly started thinking that Universal Love was a magnificent woman energy who would manifest as different girls i liked, and people I spent time with, and that this magnificent woman energy was pretending to not know who she was and pretending to be other people, but deep down knew she was universal love energy/me. So all the people in my life just started seeming like the same universal love woman that im in love with/trying to get to, which again made things feel really small because its just me and her the entire time.

Then all of a sudden the external world shattered and decomposed/deconstructed into feelings only. At the end of the day, the external world is a bunch of feelings, once you take the outer surfaces away. That kinda made me feel like eyes were a conspiracy theory, you can't see anything, just feel energy. These feelings took on the persona of different machine elves for a while, to help me understand the vast array of feelings and how they intertwine and work which gave me clarity even though machine elves was just more imagination. I get this on trips all the time, instead of the world being made of atoms, its made of fractals and machine elves all talking to each other, and them talking to each other is the different feelings you feel or different energy.

Then finally the machine elves disappeared and feeling just decomposed into... feelings haha.

I lost my desire to figure out what death was, and what happens when you die, because for me now, the desire to figure out what death is, is just feelings, which means its got nothing to do with figuring out death at all. Besides, death relies on the existence of the external world, death doesn't make sense when the external world shatters. Its just feelings doing things. Riding a bike is just feelings, getting shot in the head and reincarnating into different forms is just feelings, can use machine elves as a meditation aid to help you keep conscious of the feelings, but its just feelings.

And its just feelings or another way of saying it, just understanding, pure understanding, pure abstract, external worldless, surfaceless, concreteless, conceptless, agendaless, egoless, understanding. Or pure love, whatever floats ya boat. Love doesn't resonate with me personally. So what happens when you die? The answer is inside the question, the question decomposes into feeling/understanding when you remove concepts and the external world and everything almost, and that's death too, feeling/understanding, like everything.

The thing is, the deepest understanding is pure abstract feeling, so anything other then that is less deep, lool.

And this experience has taught me that, all of my psychedelic trips were trying to tell me this and i just didn't get the message, but also that the key to a good life is to feel it. That's it, that's literally as deep as it gets. And it does get deeper and deeper and deeper, but it gets deeper through feeling more and more and more.

I was kinda worried that if I didn't understand death in this lifetime, that i would suffer in the next lifetime, so i kept going hardcore at seeking what death was, little did I know that pursuing that quest was literally the realization of my worst fear/concern. HA!

You can avoid suffering in your next lifetime, and do stuff like transfer prana to your next life to help you there, etc, but it comes from listening to feeling and getting good at dealing with feeling then it does any other way.

This was an exceptionally long journey, 6 years about, and at the end of the day the answer was the simplest thing ever, yet radical radical stuff, crazy experiences, insanity, massive explosions of horror and bliss was all needed to finally accept and be this truth, because if i didn't go through all that crap, I would of been asking "what if..." "what if feeling isnt the answer" "what if its this instead" "what if its that instead" and then i would of drifted off, it takes a massively long and brutal journey to finally be satisfied with something so simple and to say "ah nah its definitely this, because i tried that, and that and this and the other and those don't work because..."

And the other cool thing too is... have you noticed no matter how deep your realization, how high your psychedelic dose is, that its all just feeling? HA! Not shit Sherlock.

I'm kinda satisfied now with the realization that God/the universe/consciousness is a sneaky beast who gives you the answers when you stop seeking them. Who gives you everything you want when you stop asking for them, who gives you all the understanding in the world when you stop trying to encapsulate her in an insight or an awakening experience! And you just let her be.

Edited by electroBeam

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On 2/10/21 at 2:02 PM, AMTO said:

@electroBeam Why do you think the universe (you) gives you everything once you stop asking? And is asking the same as seeking/action? Because unless you have seeking/action surely you’ll never achieve much of anything? 

Giving up on seeking, or how you put it "stop asking" is a letting go of that which is blocking you from achieving what you seek. Seeking is important and must be done for some time, necessarily in agony, before giving up and letting go/stop asking, otherwise you risk turning "stop asking"/letting go or giving up as a seeking mechanism itself, which if happens, will give you lots of agony but uniquely no achieving or obtaining what you seek.


Got a new life purpose ?

Feels really on point, more then any other life purpose I've received from the universe. 


Who I am statement:

A practitioner, advocate of meditation and disciple of the higher wisdom from nature (especially acacias, chacrunas, caapi vines), spiritual teachers/organisations and life experience. 

I impact the world through advocating for meditation.

My fields of mastery:

cultivating and serving acacias, chacrunas and caapi vines for medicinal transformation and healing.

applying mathematical artificial intelligence for social change.

embodying and sharing meditation in philosophy, art and culture.


My ultimate life purpose:

To advocate for meditation in all areas of life by practicing it, embodying it and sharing it. 

Just imagine how advanced I'll be when my life purpose changes to "meditate" ?

I feel like sharing stuff through videos which I'll do in the next few weeks in this thread. 

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