kag101

I haven't posted here for almost a year. I thought of opening a new journal, but I don't think it's needed. I have to be honest: i’ve been feeling kind of lazy to write journal entries. So what I’m gonna do is focus on writing shorter ones. I don’t know… problem is, as soon as I finish writing, I don’t think it’s worth it. And I’ve done this mistake in the past of not being concise or posting cringey shit,. But fuck it… Let’s go to some random thoughts: • I used to fear artificial intelligence. Well, it will rob the job of many people. But in my case, I think the most important thing to do is to not fear it — but to embrace it, to work WITH it. • i’ve been seriously considering going to a rheumatologist. I have some persistent pains in my body, and I think going to professional (at least once) would be a smart move to find a solution to that. I think it’s worth the investment. • I’ve improved in organizing my room, which was something that I was not doing well last year. I’d say it’s improved from a 3/10 to a 5.5/10. In other words, it’s pretty decent. Problem is. I’m not very good at maintaining it organized. as soon as I finish organizing, but kinda falls back into its homeostasis. But what the hell, progress is progress. I think that’s enough for today.

whenever things don't go as i expect, i start coming up with worst case scenarios in my head. so i want to write about my current "pet worry". there's always a certain situation in my mind that goes: "Now, THIS, is going to fuc* me up". as if the thing that's gonna mess me up completely has finally arrived. as soon as i overcome the problem, my mind treats it as if nothing ever happened, and start searching for the my new favorite worry. ? the goal of this journal is to write things that i'm currently spending my mental energy on. later on, i want to read this journal and go: "oooh... i didn't even remember that i was worried about that. what a dumb worry." or maybe my catastrophizing will happen and i can confirm that sooner or later, life is going to kick my ass. i'll also probably write things that are going my way.

If I am experiencing true results in my practice, then criticism does not affect me. If I am just experiencing fake growth, then I will get defensive and try hard to ignore what others are saying about it.

I know we’re already halfway through January, but I still think it’s worth it one thing I have done in the past few years is to always set an intention for the year. I got that from Buddhist teacher Jack Kornfield. It becomes sort of like my compass. It is not a goal per se. It can be an affirmation, or even just a single word. Some ideas: - Be kinder to myself - Self-negotiate - Bond with others - Contemplate the meaning of my life - Emotional intelligence - Think less, act more - Expose myself to new experiences - Focus on yourself, and the rest will follow - Decide quicker - allow myself to do things imperfectly After I choose one I set a timer for 5 minutes and I repeat the intention over and over mindfully. It’s been giving me very good results. It’s almost magical tbh. Btw, It’s important to not overanalyze your choice, nor keep changing it all the time anyway, here’s mine and an explanation: 2023: worry as least as possible im a chronic over-worrier lol. Anything that’s out of the ordinary, I start panicking and coming up with all sorts of worst case scenarios. It’s an inability to allow things to figure out by themselves. It can be related to the collective (e.g., politics, climate change, etc) or individual (e.g., I’ll never get a good job, sooner or later I’ll go downhill, etc) I think this stems from my parents divorce in which my world fell apart. Suddenly I had no stability. So I came up with a bunch of low-quality defense mechanisms to deal with the chaos anyway, this year I want to focus specifically on that, so that when I start worrying too much about something, I go, “oh yea, this year I will experiment with worrying less, so let me give this a try” at the end of the year, I’ll remind everybody that replied to this (if any lol) to share their results doing it on your own also works, but it’s more fun to share it

if you teach in schools, it’ll always boil down to really beginner stuff. it seems that your passion is to teach the nuances of chess, and not how the knights move. have you ever given private classes? Maybe this way you’d be able to get more motivated and higher rated students

interesting testimonial are you feeling good 24/7? or do you still have moments that you feel sad and/or not performing at your highest ability?

Certain types of porn are harmless — if consumed moderately — by healthy individuals.

How long have you been feeling well?

I've tried this sort of strategy in the past, and it only left me feeling exhausted, inauthentic, and empty afterwards. What has worked for me is to embrace my introvertedness. That doesn't mean I only stay in my shell. Whenever I tried to be "extroverted", I'd either try too hard and end up being cringey, or I would freeze completely. So what I've been doing is: • Letting go of all should statements ("I should be talkative, funny, extroverted, etc"). • Stop forcing myself too much • Focusing on making small inputs that I truly want. This way, I get a sense that I'm contributing to the conversation (and therefore get a sense of belongingness) + because I don't speak that much, when I do, people truly pay attention. I doubt there's a hidden hack which will make you feel drunk without the side effects. Some questions regarding drinking: 1) Do you exaggerate? 2) Is it causing you any substantial harm?

Books and information are not enough to treat all those conditions. What has truly helped me is getting treatment with a high-quality psychotherapist and psychiatrist. Unfortunately, they’re not only expensive, but hard to find. But it is, hands-down, the most important investment I have ever made in my life.

just want to write random stuff here, without the need of having to make sense, prove a point, etc. just let things flow and see where it leads me. today i had a deep insight about my difficulties with socializing. thing is, as soon as things get "informal", i freeze. it's as if i'm trying to drive a car with the hand-brake up. today i was at college and i was hanging out with some friends at a bar. i was tensed, in overthinking mode, and feeling as if i was the most boring person in the world (which became a self-fulfilling prophecy in a way). i felt as if i was in 6th grade again, where i felt that i, as an individual, was faulty, as if i was lacking something in my core. i found myself really wanting to have a drink. but as soon i noticed that, i paused a bit. i mean, it's okay to drink. but it can't be my only doorway to entering social mode. i don't need that. i know that i can be myself (more introverted), interact with others, and actually add to the conversation. when i was heading home, i was about to send a message to my therapist reflecting about this topic. but instead, i started to ponder about that just in my thoughts. and it really cleared my mind. it's interesting to revisit those old fears but with a more matured view of the world. when i was a teenager, everything felt so overwhelming. my emotional intelligence was low. i was neurotically trying to overcome my psychological problems -- which always backfired. anyway, what i got from today: • take off this huge weight i put on your shoulders that i have to have extremely high social skills • it's okay if you take longer to get intimate with someone • when in a group, focus on making short comments about what they are saying. people love to talk. but the thing is, i also have to give my 2 cents, or else it'll become boring. so, yeah... i feel like this strategy of "just giving my two cent here and there" is going to work. this is something doable. i have done it before, and it worked. i definitively don't want to feel like today on a regular basis. i know i can do this. i'm not a lost 12-year-old anymore. i have a good support network. i have had a good social performance in the past 3 years. so i'll see how it goes! ps: i might go to a college party on saturday. i still don't know, because it's kinda expensive, but i think it would be worthy...

Background i'm an undergraduate psychology student. it consists of 10 semesters. i'm in the 4th. i really like psychology. most of my learning comes from self-study though. in the past semesters, my classes were hybrid. it was great. this semester, however, is 100% in-person. 😭 my introverted ass is getting suffocated by that. it's just too much for me. i'm starting to get aversion to going there. unfortunately, where i live, the psychology major is only offered 100% in-person. My strategy to dealing with that it seems as though my college is not very strict with attendance, at least according to the last semesters. i'm not totally sure about how it's going to be now. it might depend on the professor, idk anyway, what i'm thinking is to miss 1-2 days a week, or whenever i need a break. obviously, i need to be careful with that. but i feel the risk is not very high. my classmates are worse than myself. some of them barely go to the classes. so either more than half of the class will fail the semester, or the college doesn't really care about that. i'm almost half-way to getting my diploma. i'm fairly certain that after i'm done with that, i will have more flexibility on doing things my way. i'm pretty sure there are hybrid post-graduation programs, etc. obs: please no moralizing ("What kind of psychologist you want to be by missing classes??") or cheap motivation stuff ("You should take the hardest path!!!!")

detox don't interact with her ever (not even to say happy birthday), unfollow her on social media. remove (or at least hide) anything that reminds you of her. you have to do that at least for 3 months. the most important step is to stop feeding your mind with thoughts of her. accept that it is over. i know, this is easier said than done. simply put: if you keep seeing her instagram picture, then no advice nor fancy self-help technique will do you any good.

one thing i can say for sure is, this mentality of having a perfect diet go hand-in-hand with craving copious amounts of "junk" food. will power is not the answer to all life's problems i highly recommend the book Intuitive Eating, i finally feel at peace with food.

- fearful - lack of resilience - socially inexperienced (sometimes) - inferiority complex - micromanager - too individualistic - overthinker

when i notice signs that the person is intolerant or extremist, then i dont waste my time talking about politcs. and if the subject comes up, i gently change the subject asap. i think it's better to focus on what the other person and I have in common. apart from politics, do you have meaningful interactions with them?

I agree.

Do you think that's a healthy practice?

welcome to the club lol i struggled with that as well. if you feel comfortable, could you elaborate more on what type of memories you cringe? anyway, i've come up with three different strategies to deal with that: 1) just let it pass i guess the worst approach is to react to the memory and start ruminating about it so one thing is to simply let the memory go through its course with as least interference from my part as possible. 2) if the wave of cringey memories is too intense, i might do an affirmation such as: • in the big-picture of my life, those moments are like a grain of sand. • it's been a long time, i was confused and lost back then • it could've been worse 3) use humor finally, i might exaggerate the situation.

interesting testimonial

it's good that you're passionate and motivated about your career. just be careful not to get too obsessed with that pursuit.

Buddha didn't say you should renounce human life. Quite the contrary. After seeing first-hand that neither having all the luxury in life nor renouncing everything produce true happines; he came up with the concept of the Middle Way.

do you like eating red meat?

some background about myself i plan to do an intuitive, random, and intimate type of journal. i have nothing to lose from being open. obviously, i will use common sense. i think it'll be nice to know that people might be reading this and resonating with what i'm going through. just to give you some background: i'm a guy in my mid-twenties. i suffered from moderate depression and social anxiety disorder from 9-23. i finally found a good psychiatrist who prescribed me the correct medication. i've been stabilized since December of 2019. and i've also been going to a great therapist (she's expensive, but really worth it). i feel she really helps me get into the path of reconstructing my life. it's not just a superficial change. it's as if i'm going to my roots. it's the type of progress that nobody can take away from me. after many years, i'm finally in the "right" direction. i'm majoring in psychology, and i'm going to my 4th semester (out of 10). i'm bissexual (with a preference to men). i consider myself attractive. my hair is thinning, but fortunately it still not something that is really noticeable. tinder i've been using it for almost three years. even though it has a bad rep, if you are patience and able to filter the wheat from the chaff, it's worthy. Yes, 99% of people there suck, but i'm really glad i met those 1%. one problem that i used to have is that i only got matches with men. it was frustrating tbh. fortunately, i think they finally fixed that and now i'm getting matches with girls as well. since i started using it, i haven't had a date with girl yet. i'm looking forward to it. but i've been really selective nowadays. i won't go out with someone just to kiss or get laid. there has to be a connection. a hack to get automatically better at organization i used to struggle with that a lot. i had a powerful insight that was to simply focusing on (literally) aligning things and making them more aesthetically pleasant. just this simple change has been giving me awesome results. when i align things i immediately start to get into the right mindset. it sounds like it doesn't make a difference, but it has been life-changing for me. unconsciously, i used to resist to that due to the incorrect notion that wanting things to be aligned = ocd. want to get back into teaching portuguese i'm brazilian. i used to tutor portuguese for non-native speakers. i got fed up with it. but lately i've been wanting to get back to it. but now i will only accept intermediate and advanced students. i don't enjoy teaching beginners. it demands too much effort imo. i've applied on a site. i think i'll get a response in the next few days. i really hope it works out. i've been able to make a habit of working on creating activities everyday. in fact, i'll do this right now lol. i think that's enough for today. bye =)

I really liked that sentence