bmcnicho

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About bmcnicho

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  • Birthday 11/11/1996

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  1. Since I was young, I've been very distrusting of authority and culture. Everyone around me seemed way too conformist, like they were blindly accepting the ideas of other people and acting only in the ways that were expected of them. Therefore it seemed like I couldn't find truth from any outside source and decided to rely exclusively on my own judgement. As a result I was very selfish, rebellious, and angry as a child. Of course that kind of egotism didn't work out well for me, and I gradually learned discipline and self control. By the time I was about 12 years old, I was also very distrustful of myself, seeing the potential of self deception in my emotions and impulses. And yet I also understood even more clearly the problems of the collective. If I couldn't receive truth from others, and I couldn't find truth within myself, then where was it to be found? That's when I decided I wanted to become a scientist. I saw science as the only valid source of truth, because I viewed it as separate from all human bias. It was only when I arrived at university that I started to see the problems with academia and institutions. I began to contemplate the potentially dangerous technologies that science was leading to, and that corporate interests distort it from being a pure pursuit of the truth. Leo's talked a lot about epistemology and he's talked a lot about the Absolute and awakenings. His teachings have been incredibly valuable, but what I'm still wondering is where is a valid source of conceptual relative truth? It seems like everything out in the world is clouded by collective ego, and my own thoughts and feeling are clouded by my individual ego.
  2. @Keyhole She had a knife to her throat and said she almost did it. I don't know if that technically qualifies as an attempt. I don't know if I want to be a hero, but I would like the opportunity to help someone. I wouldn't call myself dead inside, although I have had some nihilistic phases.
  3. @LordFall You bring up a good question which I'll need to devote some serious contemplation to. What is it about me that attracts and is attracted to girls with mental health issues? This has happened to me before, but in the past it was much less severe.
  4. Thanks for the thoughtful responses eveyone! There's some good information in this thread! Update: She had a suicide attempt about a week and a half ago. She seems to be doing a lot better now. She's now open to getting help, but still hesitant. I've learned that her family situation is pretty rough, and that it's contributed a lot to these issues. We've gotten a lot closer over the past month. She really is very sweet, caring and accepting despite her mental health issues. I really want to make this work but am starting to understand that it might be necessary to step away @Leo Gura Thanks for your insights on this topic! I'll keep that in mind as I move forward. At a certain point I might have to accept that there isn't gonna be a way to make things work. @remember That's important to keep in mind as well. Individual situations are distinct, so our judgement shouldn't be clouded by trying to fit a story to some abstract stereotype of "the toxic relationship".
  5. @egoeimai I'd like to think I could be capable of that, I just don't know...I'd really have to confront my own selfishness The consensus advice seems to be that I should end it, and I see why you all would say that. The idea of that just makes me really sad, and it feels wrong...
  6. We've only been dating a few weeks and she's already shared a lot of heavy personal stuff with me. She has pretty severe anxiety and depression, and she worries a lot that I'm gonna break up with her, even though I give her lots of positive attention and compliments. I found out that she self harmed today. She refuses to get help and is upset when I say she should. She's already very attached to me, and some of the things she says make me uncomfortable, but it makes her sad when I suggest that things are going too fast. She's also very energetic, and when we spend several hours together it gets pretty exhausting, but I can't really talk to her about that, because that's something she's insecure about. I really like her for other reasons, she's very creative, very kind, and I feel comfortable enough to be very authentic around her. It's just feels like way too much way too fast. It seems like I have to be very strong and stable in order to help her, but I have issues in my own life to deal with too. I know that if anything happened to her I'd blame myself. I feel responsible for her even though we just met. It's scary knowing that even being a little impatient with her or making a slightly negative comment could have a large effect on someone in that kind of mental state. It seems like a state of selflessness is required here that's way beyond my level of development. Any comments or advice would be greatly appreciated
  7. It's important to distinguish between equality of opportunity and equality of outcome (otherwise known as so called "equity"). Equality of opportunity is a noble aim based in compassion, which should be at the core of a well functioning social democracy. However, equality of outcome is motivated by resentment, jealousy, and laziness. The only way to make outcomes equal would be to tear down the excellent, which would ultimately be to the detriment of everyone. This is why communism failed. Remember that devilry exists on all sides, even though at this time the largest devils are the elite capitalists. Marxism will gradually reemerge over the next few decades, and it will present itself under the guise of progressivism, tolerance, and diversity. We're already beginning to see this in the form of radical identity politics.
  8. In Leo's conscious politics series, he seems to have a positive vision of the future, yet I see the possibility that artificial intelligence could cause a collapse before much of that would be able to happen. I'm not against artificial intellience or transhumanism in theory, since I understand that every form must someday surpass itself. Yet it's hard for me to see a scenario of artificial intelligence working out well at our current level of consciousness Many of the people producing AI seem to be rushing to be the first ones to build it with little regard for safety. In addition to the possibility of terrifying technical problems, there's the issue of the motivations of the people building it. What would a corporation like Google do with that level of power?(Especially considering that if the AI is designed to improve itself, it could exponentially increase to unimaginable levels of intelligence) Also, with our current geopolitical situation, imagine what would happen if some countries had it and others didn't. An unstoppable empire could form, and other countries might resort to nuclear weapons out of sheer desperation. Artificial intelligence would also facilitate the development of other technologies, so even at the level of individuals, imagine what would happen if you could step into a simulator and effortlessly produce anything you wanted. It would be pure, unchecked, hedonic unconsciousness and there'd be very little insentive for anyone to develop themselves. It's possible that my pessimism is coming from a lack of consciousness, since Reality as God is Good as an absolute. Yet, large scale collapses aren't unprecedented. The fall of the Roman Empire and the Bronze Age Collapse each set humanity back a thousand years. It seems to me a similar collapse is imminent, and it could be unimaginably devastating. I suppose it's possible that our culture could develop enough so that we'd decide to delay AI until it could be done safely. Yet some estimates say that AI could be created as early as 2029, so this seems higly unlikely. It's also possible that the AI would somehow end up being at a higher level of consciousness then its creators, and would essentially act as a benevolent god that could solve these problems for us. Yet intelligence doesn't necessarily correspond with consciousness, and creations tend to be a reflection of their creators. @Leo Gura You tend to speak about the future as if a collapse isn't imminent, so what's the possitive scenario here? It could be that this topic is so radical that our imagination and intuitions are largely irrelevant
  9. @Leo Gura Ah, that makes sense. I've been studying Carl Jung a lot lately and am perhaps overly enthusiastic about such things. I find that his teachings synergise in my mind quite well with yours, however I do acknowledge that he gets too bogged down in theories. Still, I think it's a valuable perspective, since this forum tends to be skewed towards Eastern traditions, and Carl Jung is based in Western Gnosticism.
  10. In his lastest blog video, Infinite Love Awakening, Leo showed his drawing of a mandala, a universal symbol common to all spiritual traditions. Carl Jung describes it as a symbol of the archetype of the Self, essentially his conception of God. He did extensive studies where his patients would spontaneously draw these symbols, and he claimed that it was an expression of the person's psychological state. Leo's mandala was an esspecially important one: the Quaternity. (For those who didn't see, it looks like a flower with 4 petals in a cross shape) The Quaternity is a symbol common to all spiritual traditions which represents wholeness and totality (i.e. non-duality or God). The Christian cross and the Hindu swastika are the most well known examples. Leo described his drawing as a symbol of God, yet didn't identify it as a mandala or a Quaternity. Not only that, but he went on to say that the shape didn't matter! We're talking about the single most important spiritual symbol here! @Leo Gura I'm wondering why you downplayed the significance of your drawing?
  11. Day 2: Routines Thrown Off First, I slept in until almost noon. (I normally try to wake up between 9 and 10) Before waking, I had a series of semi-lucid dreams interspersed with periods of being half awake. The dreams were of normal, realistic scenarios, so it messed with my sense of reality a bit. I watched a Q&A from John Vervaeke. The part I found most valuable was when he answered a question about how to go about cultivating wisdom in the modern world. He described how the institutions and traditions that used to be focused on wisdom esentially no longer exist. This creates the problem of people becoming autodidactic. He proposed that various teachers should network together, but it would have to be somewhat hierarchical so that people could distinguish the highest quality teachings. I then slacked off for awhile before going to work. The schedule was completely different today than normal, which really threw me off. I suppose days like this will happen sometimes, maybe there's some value in the chaos.
  12. Day 1: Too Much Theory I started off the day by watching an online lecture on Hegel by the cognitive scientist John Vervaeke. It's part of a lecture series called Awakening from the Meaning Crisis. He's been going over the history of western philosophy interspersed with cognitive theories to explain why modern culture is experiencing an increasing sense of meaninglessness. It's a great series that I would highly recommend. Hegel's works are incredibly complex, and the lecture was only an hour long, but I was introduced to some of his key ideas. I want to study his historical ideas a lot more in the future, but what I found most valuable from this lecture was his dialectical method of thesis - antithesis - synthesis. This sounds similar to Carl Jung's idea of unifying the opposites. From what I know so far, it sounds like Hegel might have had some awareness of non-dualism, even if it was mostly on a conceptual level. Next, I watched the final installment of an analysis of Carl Jung's Aion by the YouTube channel Uberboyo. This video summarized what they had discussed previously and offered some conclusions. Aion is a fascinating book that is essentially a psychological interpretation God heavily influenced by Gnosticism. They also discussed the psychological implications of artificial intelligence and speculated on what would fill the gap left by the decline if Christianity. I then went on a run for a little over an hour. It had been awhile since I had ran that far, so I was definitely feeling out of shape. I spent some time on the forum when I got back and was really starting to feel overloaded with theory after already watching two lectures. I spent some time contemplating whether all these ideas were actually improving my life, or if I was just getting caught up in them because they sounded interesting. I reflected on how I might be using even high quality information as a distraction by not taking the time to integrate the information. I concluded that a surge of motivation caused me to cram too much theory into one day. I had dinner and then unfortunately got sucked down a YouTube rabit hole of random vlog videos. The videos were pretty low consciousness, however, there was a positive human element to them. They made me remember people I knew from years ago and caused me to reflect on my attitude towards other people in general. It was a nice contrast to the abstract theorizing. You can probably tell by now that I have somewhat of an internet addiction, but as long as I still have it I might as well try to get something positive out of it. I'll try to gradually cut down on my internet use over the next few months.
  13. @LastThursday According to Jung, God exists within the unconscious as the archetype of the Self, but you're right that we should be skeptical. The map is not the territory and at a certain point the distinctions become mostly semantic. I'm at a similar place regarding God and atheism. Perhaps it depends what you mean by God as Jordan Peterson would say.
  14. @hamedsf Important clarification, I'll change it to "This of course doesn't apply to the Absolute itself." @Leo Gura Great point! That's the wisdom of Teotl!
  15. Introduction: A few hours ago, I watched Leo's video, "What is Reality - A Radical Explanation". He was definitely correct in proclaiming it his highest teaching! The video inspired me to take this work more seriously, so I'm creating this journal to hold myself accountable and to create a record of my progress to look back on. I think I'll start with a brief summary of my life story. I was diagnosed with autism when I was 3 years old. At the time I was nonverbal and it was predicted that I would be institutionalized by the age of 8. After extensive speech therapy, however, I was able to learn to talk before entering school. Even so, I still had severe anger problems, practicaly zero social skills, and refused to participate in most school activities. I was put on an IEP to help me deal with these issues, but for the first couple years I viewed the therapy as being forced on me and essentially hated the world. When I had started to make some progress, however, I recognized my limitations and the goals of the therapy became my own. By the time I entered middle school, I had essentially succeeded and created a whole identity around being "normal". I felt like I had to act in very specific acceptable ways and was always afraid of slipping up and exposing that I was different. Around the same time, I came up with a life purpose of becoming a neuroscientist. I naturally craved truth, since my persona was so inauthentic, but at the time I viewed science as the only valid source of truth. The next 5 years went very well for me, and I was very psychologically stable, but as a result I didn't experience a whole lot of growth. I had my first girlfriend my senior year of high school, and at first it was going really well. I began to accept myself more and became more open and compassionate. I even had a strange experience once that I would describe as vaguely transpersonal. But then the relationship ended suddenly and somewhat inexplicably and my view of the world started to become much darker. In April of 2016, near the end of my first year of college, I gave up on becoming a neuroscientist. At the time, it was because I was frustrated with the structure of the university system and thought getting a PhD would take too long. I took some time off from school to reflect on things, and that shifted me from spiral dynamics stage orange towards stage green. (I also tried psychedelics for the first time, 1 gram of mushrooms, very mild trip) I discovered actualized.org on YouTube in November of 2016, and went back to school in January 2017. I didn't have a strong purpose for going back though, so unfortunately I slacked off a lot. However, that did give me lots of time to binge watch Leo's videos and do lots of contemplation. I also started following Jordan Peterson around that time and the two of them together helped rekindle my desire for truth. I realized, however, that the truth I was looking for couldn't be found at a university, so I dropped out of school in October 2017. After that, I tried a couple different jobs that didn't work out and I've been working for my dad for a few months now. Since I left school, I've read dozens of books, done extensive contemplation, and have continued to watch Leo every week. I'd now say I'm solidly at stage yellow, and hope to move toward turquoise over the next few years. Now with that out of the way, stay tuned for my continuing quest to master my psychology and discover ultimate truth...