Coping with sexual sadism

[rudirotbart]

Hello,

let’s get straight into it: I can’t really have sex because I‘m a sexual sadist and the kind of sex that turns me on is so abusive that i feel like I’m never going to be able to have sex (other than with my hand), because vanilla or even what most people would call hardcore sex doesn’t turn me on and I can’t keep my penis hard if I don’t feel like I’m raping the woman. 

How can I cope with my sexual sadism and accept myself the way I am? Is there a chance to heal it through therapy?

Thank you!

[mr_engineer]

The sexual animal in you is not respectful towards women. That's what I'm gathering from this. 

I'd suggest that you just keep learning more and more about relationships and intimacy and what makes relationships work. Especially compatibility. This will give you more of an idea as to what kind of woman you should be going for and how you would practically make it work. 

If you are able to figure out more civilized ways of making it work, you will let go of your rape-fantasies. 

I will draw a distinction between just domination/control-fantasies vs rape-fantasies. The former can be respectful, the latter will not be. Even though both can be consensual. And, it's fine to engage in a consensual rape-fantasy, nothing morally wrong with it. However, a rape-fantasy is probably not going to fly in the context of relationship with someone who you truly love. Your own conscience will not want to be disrespectful towards her. (Abuse/infliction of pain can be consensual, disrespect can't be.) 

There are people who engage in all kinds of fantasies. However, some fantasies will take you in the direction of unconsciousness and that will get in your way in making serious relationships work. Rape-fantasies fall into that category. So, I'd advise you be careful with those. 

[Judy2]

@rudirotbart

2 hours ago, rudirotbart said:

How can I cope with my sexual sadism and accept myself the way I am? Is there a chance to heal it through therapy?

yes, it might be a good idea to consult a therapist.

notice that "accepting" and "healing" tend to go hand in hand with each other...along with understanding. the first step is to understand why you have these fantasies, when they started, where they come from, etc.

@mr_engineer

26 minutes ago, mr_engineer said:

(Abuse/infliction of pain can be consensual, disrespect can't be.) 

i get what you're trying to say but i'd be careful with the exact wording "abuse can be consensual". in my understanding, abuse is non-consensual by definition and it's best to keep our terminology pretty clear on this.

however, it is true that infliction of pain can be consensual - depending on the exact circumstances of course.

[Ulax]

@rudirotbart I have something similar. I would suggest doing some metta meditation. Plus some depth psychotherapy.

With the metta meditation I would practice in short bursts. For example, breakup doing a 15 minute loving kindness video into say three minute bursts. The reason I say this is because I imagine that the metta meditation will be quite triggering for you. And by breaking it into parts, I think it's going to be more likely that you're able to be consistent with it. Just a guess on my part but it's the case for me .

[mr_engineer]

1 hour ago, Judy2 said:

i get what you're trying to say but i'd be careful with the exact wording "abuse can be consensual". in my understanding, abuse is non-consensual by definition and it's best to keep our terminology pretty clear on this.

however, it is true that infliction of pain can be consensual - depending on the exact circumstances of course.

I use the word 'abuse' in a more traditional sense, like it includes flogging or choking, etc. It's not disrespectful if done consensually. 

[NoSelfSelf]

I mean you should have this but if it goes that extreme, then something is buried in subconcious and its spilled over in this area.Probably you are too submissive in real life not sure...

[StarStruck]

Get it out of your system somehow. Be creative. Therapists can't bend over backwards for you and do it for you. Talk therapy is not going to solve this because this involves the deeper parts of the brain.

[Bando]

What does your porn consumption look like? Maybe thats where you want to start

[integral]

Reminds me of what leo said about school shooters.

On 4/1/2023 at 6:58 PM, Leo Gura said:

When your mind is sufficiently hurt and lacking in love, you will get joy from hurting others.

 

[Razard86]

7 hours ago, integral said:

Reminds me of what leo said about school shooters.

 

^^^This.

[CARDOZZO]

@rudirotbart

Watch out the type of porn you’re seeing.

This sh*% is annihilating men.

Hit the gym, go out, sunlight and do this exercise:

Imagine how it is to be a woman for 1 week.

You’ll have compassion putting yourself on that situation.

[gettoefl]

23 hours ago, rudirotbart said:

Hello,

let’s get straight into it: I can’t really have sex because I‘m a sexual sadist and the kind of sex that turns me on is so abusive that i feel like I’m never going to be able to have sex (other than with my hand), because vanilla or even what most people would call hardcore sex doesn’t turn me on and I can’t keep my penis hard if I don’t feel like I’m raping the woman. 

How can I cope with my sexual sadism and accept myself the way I am? Is there a chance to heal it through therapy?

Thank you!

would thoroughly recommend going the therapy route, alternatively reddit has many BDSM subreddits if you wish to see what others are up to:

https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMcommunity/