My extreme obsession might have fucked my life

[UpperMaster]

I have a very extreme obsession with status, and I think it's hurting me.

When I was younger I was often bullied a lot for my skin color, and I think I was always seen as "lower status" through-out my life.

I've recognized that I was a codependent with a narcissist, and that scarred me pretty bad. He end up beating me tf up too lmao.

My reputation in school has been fucked for a while now (because of narcissist manipulation. The thing is, now I feel like I really want higher status. I just want to feel it. I've want to feel how it be to be respected, to be feared. I want to take revenge for everyone that went against me. I want to be able to defend myself when someone tries to socially put me at my place. I'm so tired of this. Why am I so bad, why am I so low value.

There are so many incidents, I can't tell you cuz I don't want to relive them

I'd love to progress into spirituality but this desire seems really inestiguishable. I hate everyone that looks down on me, I see it in their eyes, I hate that.

 

I don't know what to do please help. I used to cry myself to sleep everyday for few years. It got better when I avoided everyone except my friends. But now I'm socially anxious, I don't know how to talk to girls and my status is fucked.

Idk what to do, brruuuh I'm struggling to be consistent with anything, idk help bro, I just humiliated myself again I can't...

All my friends bareley into self improvement but improve way more than me, why am I so bad. Idk help, like really...

Edited October 23, 2022 by UpperMaster

[BipolarGrowth]

Status can be viewed as a sort of muscle you build. The “exercise” to gain status is to get “wins” in life. It can be as small and simple as that new person you met was really impressed by something about you, or it could be that you outperform the others around you in your work, school, or whatever else it is that you do. I think if you really want to build your status up, you’ve got to find a bit of an intersection in life that includes talent and at least not hating the activity which can be developed as a skill that scales to some degree. Ideally, you’d highly enjoy whatever that activity is. I’m by no means a “high status” person, but I’m definitely not the lowest tier by any means either.

I started out with mainly two abilities naturally that I did well in that weren’t all that impressive, and I also had many things working against me. Those abilities were being better than everyone I ever met in person at a particular video game and having some natural talent in academics. The video game and performing better than others in school was really all I had for pretty much the first 18 years of my life. You have to slowly discover other things which you are better at than others and start developing those traits and skills to stand out. 
 

The more difficult, rare, and useful the skill or trait that you’re looking to develop, the easier it will translate into status for the other people who care about that thing. Once you get some “wins” in that area, people are to a degree forced to respect you. This is not because of any sort of manipulation but rather that the individuals who have an interest in that thing know what it takes to develop skill in it, and they cannot deny that you have developed well in that area. 
 

Status is ultimately a relatively low thing to focus on, but it still can be incredibly important in the sense that the chance you go to higher tiers of development is greatly increased if you’re not completely getting your ass handed to you in the practical, relative, and low-conscious areas of life. 
 

My advice would be to find some true passions and natural talents and focus on growing your knowledge, expertise, and skill in those areas. When you find an area with both passion and some natural talent, it’s likely time to get a bit obsessive and max that area of development out as much as you reasonably can. 
 

Status is ultimately a temporary and partially effective way to raise self esteem and increase your positive view of yourself, but its benefits will not satisfy you in the long run. Regardless, I think it’s pretty cool of you to be vulnerable about this with us and admit that you really do want more in this area. I think if you get some “wins” for yourself in life, you’ll be able to get a healthier relationship to status in the long run and not need it much anymore. 
 

I hope this helps. 

[UpperMaster]

@BipolarGrowth

Yes. I think so too, I feel like if I somewhat satisfy this desire, Il be able to progress more.

Yea I am trying to build new skills, I'm slightly disappointed at the rate I'm doing so though. I might have a victim mindset, but man, it's hard not to be sad when people so easily surpass you. I'm much more mindful on the fact that status is short term for gratification. I just want to get to the point where I don't get disrespected, and am able to defend myself socially.

 

Thanks a lot dude

[Yarco]

If you're still in high school, the good news is that you still have your whole life ahead of you. It's basically just a practice run.

None of your status or reputation transfers over from high school to adult life. Unless you're going to stay in 1 small town forever. You'll never talk to most people from high school again once you graduate.

Start making yourself into the person you want to be now. It might feel incongruent while you're in school still, because everyone has built up expectations of who and what they expect you to be over several years. But that's easy to break free from and make yourself into a new person once school is done.

44 minutes ago, UpperMaster said:

The thing is, now I feel like I really want higher status. I just want to feel it. I've want to feel how it be to be respected, to be feared. I want to take revenge for everyone that went against me. I want to be able to defend myself when someone tries to socially put me at my place. I'm so tired of this. Why am I so bad, why am I so low value.

This sounds like some school shooter or Elliot Rodger type shit, be careful with constantly repeating this kind of stuff to yourself or it can take you to some really dark places.

I'd try to channel those feelings into something constructive like learning some kind of martial art or MMA. You don't have to actually beat anyone up or put them in their place. But just having the confidence to know that you could if you had to, will make a huge difference.

 

[UpperMaster]

3 minutes ago, Yarco said:

50 minutes ago, UpperMaster said:

 

This sounds like some school shooter or Elliot Rodger type shit,

Yes, I do recognize this. I was concerned if whether or not I'm slowly turning bitter. Dw I'm not a school shooter lmao, I have created a pretty good base of friends, I just realised that I started having this sort of superiority complex because of a lot of shit that went down before. My reputation isn't the best, and I still am socially lower value. All this shit fucks with my complex more.

 

5 minutes ago, Yarco said:

You'll never talk to most people from high school again once you graduate.

Thank God. Ahaha

[Tyler Robinson]

All I see is a strong sense of low self worth. Your fundamental worth is not dependent on what others think about you. The moment you'll realize that the better things will be. 

In this moment you're giving way too power, value and importance to other people in a way that what they say is immediately threatening to your inner core, ego and sense of self. 

Work on your mentality. Also there could be a component of self judgement. You could be judging yourself harshly on the inside without actually realizing that you are doing this subconsciously. Release yourself, realize that being a human comes with a package of imperfections and flaws and being at the lower end of the social hierarchy is sometimes a blessing because life can be very simple at these levels with less competition and less fake people. There's a lot of psychopathic people at the top who crave sucess and money and do so in unethical ways. Also do gratitude journaling and see what you can be grateful for that you already got. Godspeed. 

 

[Ulax]

3 hours ago, UpperMaster said:

I have a very extreme obsession with status, and I think it's hurting me.

When I was younger I was often bullied a lot for my skin color, and I think I was always seen as "lower status" through-out my life.

I've recognized that I was a codependent with a narcissist, and that scarred me pretty bad. He end up beating me tf up too lmao.

My reputation in school has been fucked for a while now (because of narcissist manipulation. The thing is, now I feel like I really want higher status. I just want to feel it. I've want to feel how it be to be respected, to be feared. I want to take revenge for everyone that went against me. I want to be able to defend myself when someone tries to socially put me at my place. I'm so tired of this. Why am I so bad, why am I so low value.

There are so many incidents, I can't tell you cuz I don't want to relive them

I'd love to progress into spirituality but this desire seems really inestiguishable. I hate everyone that looks down on me, I see it in their eyes, I hate that.

 

I don't know what to do please help. I used to cry myself to sleep everyday for few years. It got better when I avoided everyone except my friends. But now I'm socially anxious, I don't know how to talk to girls and my status is fucked.

Idk what to do, brruuuh I'm struggling to be consistent with anything, idk help bro, I just humiliated myself again I can't...

All my friends bareley into self improvement but improve way more than me, why am I so bad. Idk help, like really...

@UpperMaster Yo dude, sounds like you're feeling vengeful, and are v interested in status atm. I respect your seeming ability to recognise that in yourself.

I'd recommend looking into letting go by David Hawkins and looking into doing some therapy. Imo, learning to let go is a bit like having a superpower.

[Raze]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ldwslxMnUqg

[NoSelfSelf]

By having mind of your own 

Since your mind now is occupied by others there is no room for your own voice...

[UpperMaster]

4 hours ago, Tyler Robinson said:

In this moment you're giving way too power, value and importance to other people in a way that what they say is immediately threatening to your inner core, ego and sense of self.

Completely agree. It is really hard to let go, and I have a weird mix of confidence and insecurity. I'm naturally a very confident person, when talking to someone new I have no problems making friends at least. When I do mess up however, I criticize myself completely. 

 

4 hours ago, Tyler Robinson said:

Work on your mentality. Also there could be a component of self judgement. You could be judging yourself harshly on the inside without actually realizing that you are doing this subconsciously. Release yourself, realize that being a human comes with a package of imperfections and flaws and being at the lower end of the social hierarchy is sometimes a blessing because life can be very simple at these levels with less competition and less fake people.

There are significantly less fake people. Your right about that, thanks for reminding me.

[Tyler Robinson]

@UpperMaster can I ask you your zodiac. If you are not comfortable it's okay. 

 

[UpperMaster]

3 hours ago, Raze said:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ldwslxMnUqg

I'll give this a listen

[UpperMaster]

3 minutes ago, Tyler Robinson said:

@UpperMaster can I ask you your zodiac. If you are not comfortable it's okay. 

 

Pisces I think

[Tyler Robinson]

17 minutes ago, UpperMaster said:

When I do mess up however, I criticize myself completely. 

How do you mess up? An example? 

 

[UpperMaster]

19 minutes ago, Tyler Robinson said:

How do you mess up? An example? 

 

There are so many ways I mess up, even on a daily basis.

(I can't believe I'm writing this shit down, I'm cringing at myself lmao)

1.Someone keeps putting me in my place in a social setting, usually through a joke. I am too stunned to say shit back.

2. I am shitty at talking to girls. This is very much tied to the next point.

3. In a group setting I over analyze my words and filter everything I say, making it hard for me to actually contribute to the conversation. You may then wonder why I haven't worked towards removing this filter. The truth is, half my class doesn't like me because of some beef I had with this narcissist manipulator who sort of fucked my reputation. Now whenever I am myself, and or make jokes, all the jokes get disapproved, not because their unfunny but because of my reputation (ik this because I have less problem socially with people I don't know). Anyway this sort of thing really put a filter, now I am always scared on saying some shit because I feel like it would be cringe or disapproved.

This sort of disapproval is something I faced when I was younger and it hurts soo bad.

I remember I went to a party, and the whole class basically just kicked me out. Like everyone was asking why tf I was even there. I think that really made me insecure.

 

Generally, I am kind of not good at anything anymore. I have shit grades, which leaves me no time to do anything else other than school. This makes me feel like a failure ngl.

So many other larger incidents that make me feel this way, not too comfortable with getting into them. I'm sure you get the idea though

[Tyler Robinson]

 

38 minutes ago, UpperMaster said:

There are so many ways I mess up, even on a daily basis.

(I can't believe I'm writing this shit down, I'm cringing at myself lmao)

1.Someone keeps putting me in my place in a social setting, usually through a joke. I am too stunned to say shit back.

2. I am shitty at talking to girls. This is very much tied to the next point.

3. In a group setting I over analyze my words and filter everything I say, making it hard for me to actually contribute to the conversation. You may then wonder why I haven't worked towards removing this filter. The truth is, half my class doesn't like me because of some beef I had with this narcissist manipulator who sort of fucked my reputation. Now whenever I am myself, and or make jokes, all the jokes get disapproved, not because their unfunny but because of my reputation (ik this because I have less problem socially with people I don't know). Anyway this sort of thing really put a filter, now I am always scared on saying some shit because I feel like it would be cringe or disapproved.

This sort of disapproval is something I faced when I was younger and it hurts soo bad.

I remember I went to a party, and the whole class basically just kicked me out. Like everyone was asking why tf I was even there. I think that really made me insecure.

 

Generally, I am kind of not good at anything anymore. I have shit grades, which leaves me no time to do anything else other than school. This makes me feel like a failure ngl.

So many other larger incidents that make me feel this way, not too comfortable with getting into them. I'm sure you get the idea though

You're living in a loop. You're too involved in your own life. Take things in a lighter spirit. It's a loop in the sense — your life is getting in the way of your life. Which means you are so hyper focused that a single story of your life is dominating your entire life to the point that it's creating an obstacle. Let life happen. Don't control it. Don't over analyze it down to the tiniest bit. Give free air, some space and room to your life. You aren't living because you are too busy analyzing every moment. People will hate you for nothing. Winning people is a losing battle. It's a matter of luck. You have little luck because someone already ruined your reputation. Nothing is perfect or smooth sailing. Most people are shallow anyway. Your fundamental focus must be on impressing yourself rather than impressing people. If you have made more progress today as compared to yesterday then you did good. That's all you will need throughout life. It's that simple. Rest will fall in place. Godspeed. 

[UpperMaster]

33 minutes ago, Tyler Robinson said:

If you have made more progress today as compared to yesterday then you did good. That's all you will need throughout life. It's that simple. Rest will fall in place. Godspeed. 

Thank you. Your right it is a loop, I'll just focus on my self for myself.

[digitalkaine]

20 hours ago, UpperMaster said:

I have a very extreme obsession with status, and I think it's hurting me.

When I was younger I was often bullied a lot for my skin color, and I think I was always seen as "lower status" through-out my life.

I've recognized that I was a codependent with a narcissist, and that scarred me pretty bad. He end up beating me tf up too lmao.

My reputation in school has been fucked for a while now (because of narcissist manipulation. The thing is, now I feel like I really want higher status. I just want to feel it. I've want to feel how it be to be respected, to be feared. I want to take revenge for everyone that went against me. I want to be able to defend myself when someone tries to socially put me at my place. I'm so tired of this. Why am I so bad, why am I so low value.

There are so many incidents, I can't tell you cuz I don't want to relive them

I'd love to progress into spirituality but this desire seems really inestiguishable. I hate everyone that looks down on me, I see it in their eyes, I hate that.

 

I don't know what to do please help. I used to cry myself to sleep everyday for few years. It got better when I avoided everyone except my friends. But now I'm socially anxious, I don't know how to talk to girls and my status is fucked.

Idk what to do, brruuuh I'm struggling to be consistent with anything, idk help bro, I just humiliated myself again I can't...

All my friends bareley into self improvement but improve way more than me, why am I so bad. Idk help, like really...

Not saying this will work for you but forgiveness and love. Alot of people are just victims to how society projects onto them. Stand up for yourself and have fun but show compassion to people who are stuck in low vibrational cycles. If you have a problem with someone in particular talk to them one on one dont blame them for how they might have wronged you but just ask them how they feel. Someone can be talking shit about you but if you pull them to the side and ask them how they really feel and they stand on what they say then thats something you can respect and learn from, but most of the time you will see that 99% of the time people will fold if you confront them 1 on 1 and then they have no choice but to respect you. 

Self improvement is an idea, its useful to develop different aspects of your being but also consider there is nothing to improve as you already whole. You can be whole while improving your mind, body, and soul because why the fuck not anything possible. I stopped comparing myself and my situation to others when I realized that nobody is better than anyone else. I'm not better than anyone, I'm regular ol me and everybody is unique in their own way. We think we're special but realistically we are all parts of the same whole. Realize also that judgements stem from your own insecurities, the more insecure you are the more you judge, the less you judge the less insecure and more grounded you will become. The best way to stop is to recognize when you are judging others. Dont judge yourself for judging others but just be conscious of when it is happening and observe it with no bias. Ask yourself why you are making that judgement. I'm at a point where any time I do judge someone I laugh at myself because I know it usually comes from deep seeded trauma in my own life and then im able to find out what it is pretty quick and then forgive myself or whoever instilled that fear in me and move on then I'm able to show love to myself and the person I was going to judge. 

Wanting people to fear you is just you projecting the hurt you've felt in your own life and thats fine, I'm not going to judge but you will never gain any type of fulfillment. Logically if you have people fear you you will only make your own life harder, I can explain why but I feel like it should be obvious that the more ppl you make fear you the more you will have to look out for yourself. You dont need respect or fear from others to validate who you are, even with all the respect and fear in the world you can still be hurt it wont save you or make you happier.  I became more happier when I stopped trying so hard to control my narrative and just let the narrative of who I am just create it self. Also just transcending the idea of a narrative at all.

Edited October 23, 2022 by digitalkaine

[UpperMaster]

19 hours ago, digitalkaine said:

Not saying this will work for you but forgiveness and love

I can imagine this working but I am resisting cuz it has backfired on me.

 

19 hours ago, digitalkaine said:

Someone can be talking shit about you but if you pull them to the side and ask them how they really feel and they stand on what they say then thats something you can respect and learn from, but most of the time you will see that 99% of the time people will fold if you confront them 1 on 1 and then they have no choice but to respect you. 

Already tried. I just got manipulated more. And the people that did seem to fold just returned to fuckin with me when they are in a group setting.

 

19 hours ago, digitalkaine said:

Wanting people to fear you is just you projecting the hurt you've felt in your own life and thats fine, I'm not going to judge but you will never gain any type of fulfillment.

This might be true idk man. I

 

19 hours ago, digitalkaine said:

Logically if you have people fear you you will only make your own life harder, I can explain why but I feel like it should be obvious that the more ppl you make fear you the more you will have to look out for yourself.

Ok yea defenitly. If your low value in general life is a bit more simple, there are less fakes, less parties, less politics. I guess thats a plus

 

Overall good points, thanks

[flowboy]

On 23/10/2022 at 10:47 AM, UpperMaster said:

There are so many ways I mess up, even on a daily basis.

(I can't believe I'm writing this shit down, I'm cringing at myself lmao)

1.Someone keeps putting me in my place in a social setting, usually through a joke. I am too stunned to say shit back.

2. I am shitty at talking to girls. This is very much tied to the next point.

3. In a group setting I over analyze my words and filter everything I say, making it hard for me to actually contribute to the conversation. You may then wonder why I haven't worked towards removing this filter. The truth is, half my class doesn't like me because of some beef I had with this narcissist manipulator who sort of fucked my reputation. Now whenever I am myself, and or make jokes, all the jokes get disapproved, not because their unfunny but because of my reputation (ik this because I have less problem socially with people I don't know). Anyway this sort of thing really put a filter, now I am always scared on saying some shit because I feel like it would be cringe or disapproved.

This sort of disapproval is something I faced when I was younger and it hurts soo bad.

I remember I went to a party, and the whole class basically just kicked me out. Like everyone was asking why tf I was even there. I think that really made me insecure.

 

Generally, I am kind of not good at anything anymore. I have shit grades, which leaves me no time to do anything else other than school. This makes me feel like a failure ngl.

So many other larger incidents that make me feel this way, not too comfortable with getting into them. I'm sure you get the idea though

@UpperMaster I went through this, including the mass ostracisation, disapproval, getting kicked out, reputation completely fucked because of some beef that was way too public and not belonging anywhere. I started high school with some friends, some neutral and some bullies/enemies, I exited it with everyone hating me.

When I was 17.

I am 29 now.

I am still feeling the vengeful hunger for status, money, power and sex that was created in those years.

It's literally like that feeling of "when is it fucking my turn to be powerful, popular etc" never left and never grew up.

It's caused me quite a bit of trouble in relationships, when my 17 year old self, which still lives in my 29 year old body, started interpreting an adult minor relationship conflict as a status/power game, or some minor criticism as bullying, or worse, commitment and not having tons of girlfriends at the same time as being a loser. It gets weird

Here's what I want to communicate:

• Your current pain is going to fester and self-perpetuate indefinitely until you heal it.
  This can look like, for example:
  • Being frustrated that you can't get status by being good at anything, because the things you try are so hard and people are easily surpassing you, yet at the same time  you keep trying things that are not your natural talents, and you do have real natural talents, where if you would build those you would easily gain status, but those you don't even want to think of pursuing, because you view them as low status. Thus the vengeful part that says "why don't I have this" creates the blind-spots that keeps you from getting it.
• Getting what you want will just move the goal post and you'll still feel the same low status vengeful thing. For example, when I was in this kind of pain in high school, I thought: "why can't I just get girls to like me, why can't I just get a girlfriend". Then I got a girlfriend but I wasn't happy, the same exact feeling stayed, and the desire became "why can't I just get a really hot girl" Then at some point I did that, and the exact same vengeful energy stayed and said "why can't I just get 20 friends who respect and adore me and sleep with X many girls"
  On and on.
  Constantly feeling this lack, unhappiness, unfairness, revenge no matter what I really did or experienced.
  It's still with me to this day, I just choose to not let it run me anymore and start actually healing it, so that I can appreciate where I got already.
• Not having this vengeful impulse and angry feelings does not preclude that you get everything you want. In fact, you are much more likely to get everything you want (status, respect, popularity in your social circle) after you let go of the need for it. Because people can smell this need and will want to stay away from it.
• The sooner you heal it the better. I recommend that you:
  • start regularly talking to someone who does not judge you but really understands you, and helps you to make sense of your emotions. I'm sure that there are things going on that you can't talk to your parents about without getting judged or them turning it into something else, or you wouldn't be in this mess in the first place.
    I'm thinking therapist, coach, uncle/aunt, whatever resource is available.
    The reason is that the more you can share and openly talk about the difficulties you are facing, to an understanding and safe person, the lesser chance that this becomes a trauma that follows you all your life
  • stop trying so hard to get status at things that are hard for you, and start looking for your natural talents and develop those, it's the best long-term play. Your natural talents will absolutely be there, but you may not want to see them, because they don't get you status in your current environment. So look where you don't want to look.
    Example: I found programming when I was in early years of high school. The only respected activity was soccer. I was bullied for being a nerd. But when I was in my early twenties, I now had a fun and easy way to make really good money, whilst the popular kids struggled in supermarket cashier jobs.