digitalkaine

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About digitalkaine

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  1. I've been watching Actualized since 2014 before then I didnt even know what self help was. I just always had the attitude that I knew everything and I was special. In alot of ways I really was special I was like nobody else but I constructed an identity that was very contrarian so it just happened naturally mainstream stuff made me sick. I ended up working at Wells Fargo in my early twenties and I felt myself being forced to be a people pleaser type so I searched "How to not care what people think." I found Leos video which ironically has the most views to this day I believe. From there I was sent into self development and learned basically anything on Actaulized along with anything referred by Leo. I had already done alot of psychedlics, I wasn't like a psychonaut or anything but for some reason using psychs and praciting things I learned on Actualized never really crossed paths. My whole point of writing this is just because I've been going back through alot of the old videos here and there and then also comparing them with other videos and content I've seen online and to me it's just the best. It didn't make me richer or healthier or happier by any means really to be honest as much as I wanted it to it just never did, and I'm not blaming the content I think the root of all my issues stemming around any conceptual problems are mostly due to my beliefs. Ironically the things that made me see the most results were LOA shit. I manifested a high paying job by believing that I am all realities including ones where I am no longer poor. I manifested a different living situation by believing I was somewhere else. My life has gotten dramatically better within the past year externally. My main issue now is I'm lonely and always desepreately looking for women to connect with and be with or try to have sex with which sucks because prior to like 2018 I've never had that problem and i've always been with alot of women but I'm sure my last relationship really fucked up the way I view dating along with maybe just the way the culture is at the moment. The most success I seen recently was by doing obnoxious amounts of LOA shit I started to see alot of girls between like feb-april but I feel like it costed me like time, money, etc. Not to mention I lost alot of followers on social media probably just by being annoying/ unhinged so in essence fucked with my business as well. It just drove me to the point where I put down the LOA shit and just went back through Leos old videos. I started to relearn about my ego and how attached I was to all this bull shit that didn't really mean anything. I started meditating more and just doing my best to stop identifying with my body and mind and just realizing how most of my issues are illusory. I'm not ignorning anything I have going on my life I still am balancing all these things but I just feel different about it. I'm not saying Actualized is perfect either but when I compare it to other stuff it just makes the most sense. Its very clear and straight to the point. It's engaging and inspiring as well as deep and impactful. It just always blows my mind that there are no other content creators in this field that are as good I guess so I am highly appreciative.
  2. I found the thread I was refferring to maybe I painted it in a worse light then I had originally imagined. I think I kind of have a better understanding of what was being said. I owe it to this forum for me being able to dramatically make changes in my life. LOA stuff has really dramatically changed my life as well. Actualized helped me understand reality and myself and my emotions. I take it all with a grain of salt but really if I didn't reach out to this forum a year ago when I was really at my worse I dont things would have ever changed so I'm extremely greatful for this community. but I do have a better understanding of what the core is. I guess my whole issue was just seeing radical changes but also feeling the same. The whole reason I wrote this post was because last september after reaching out on this forum a member sent an LOA channel and it was talking about how we are all realities and universes. I had no money but I just continuously told myself I had money and a job I loved I imagined it until I just felt as if it was true. I genuinely felt as if I was any reality I wanted to be just because I believe we are god and to me god is just everything including anything I can imagine. So why wouldnt I be all universes and realities and whatever one I concieve and chose to be in is what I am. Even my dad was trying to project onto me the fact that I was broke. He was trying his hardest to help me but everything he said was just what he had percieved and was percieving at that moment but it didnt feel real to me. I just felt like I had a job and I was able to support myself and that was how it always was and been. Within a week of talking to this forum I applied for a graphic design position on craigslist with no type of degree and got it and I havent been poor since. I also manifested all kinds of other shit since then things are just great 90% of the time. I've been at this place since October but recently they gave me more responsibities. I want to be a good employee but naturally I'm very rebellious and also kind of messy. I made some pretty expensive mistakes and it bothered me which made me start to think that maybe thats kind of who I am. And then it made me think of that post I had read which is why I came here and wrote this.
  3. Appreciate it. I guess I also get wrapped up in the LOA stuff. Because it feels very real to me but again I also am always skeptical. I just attribute alot of my success recently to "manifesting" spaces and just like really believing I am whatever it is I want to be no matter what. But I also dont want to be delusional and thats how it feels sometimes even though I've seen dramatic changes. Even though I see those changes I still see lingering limiting beliefs and aspects of "who I really am" that seep through. Maybe one day it wont be that way but I do struggle with it when I wish not to. I wish to just be able to believe I am whoever I want to be and move forward with that and not buying into old limiting beliefs or thought patterns that hold me back.
  4. Okay thank you. I wasn't trying to make it into something it was not but again it just stuck with me. I'm just very skeptical I suppose but I want to make changes that would benefit me in my life. Sometimes I feel like a pulling back sensation but I believe I have the power to overcome it so hearing that helps in some sense, appreciate you.
  5. I'm going to see if I can locate it. It was very disheartening to read to be honest but again there may be some truth to what he was saying or maybe some context I missed but I dont remember exactly I just know I read it and it wasnt in reference to grifting. At the end of the day it probably doesnt even matter so long as I believe I can change whatever I want about myself that should be all that matters.
  6. I appreciate you not wanting to gaslight me but, he did def say that on this forum. I wish I could remember exactly where it was but It stuck with me. I even tried to search "Core of what you are." "Changes" etc. I just cant find it but I didn't look to much into it. I also remember the user being bothered by what Leo said and basically kind of saying the same thing I'm saying right now. As for what you said though I think its super valid and I appreciate your response. I do believe I can make complete changes in my being but its just nice to hear it from other people I guess esp on this forum.
  7. Yes. Sorry for not being clear. I've made alot of changes within the past year however, I still feel as if there is truth to what Leo said about how "the core of you never changes." I do not want to believe that. I would like to think I could change the core of who I am and be whatever I want to be. I know this stuff is kind of relative, maybe there are people who change the core of who they are and others that don't. Does it benefit me to take this as truth? or would it be delusional to assume that I could change the core of my being. Mostly because again I watch alot of LOA stuff that is about just assuming whatever Identity you want and again I've made so many changes However I still feel as if there is truth to what Leo said and there is aspects of myself that will never change no matter what I do. I just dont know if it benefits me to believe that.
  8. I can't remember where I read it, but a user was talking about him making changes in his life it was very surface level stuff but I just remember Leo responding by saying "The core of who you are never changes." Reading that really bothered me for sometime now and I'll just be as open as possible I cant determine whether or not it is true and if it benefits me to believe it at all. I was down really bad about a year ago and was constantly posting on the forum asking for life advice because I couldn't break out of the cycles I was in. I got heavily into LOA stuff Joe Dispenza manifesting shit etc. I inquired about manifesting on this forum to which Leo said "once you realize Albert Einstein is imaginary then lets talk about spirituality." which was great to hear once I started to wrap my mind around it. But this one user had told me that the way I'm talking to myself and the language I'm using is the reason why nothing was changing. My beliefs were that nothing was happening and so there for nothing was happening pretty basic stuff. The she put me onto a youtube channel called "Be Something Wonderful." ever since then my life has got drastically better. I went from having no job being poor on the verge of su*cide to finding a career making so much money, meeting so many people, moving out of my house getting my whole life in order basically and I feel like I have to attribute what continuously happens to that channel and this forum. I still struggle however with things and while I still "manifest" I cant come to grips with what Leo meant when he said the core of you never changes. Just because I felt like i've changed. But also I do feel as if there is some truth to that statement, that I dont want to believe in because I desperately want to change for the better. I cant tell if thats really true or if maybe Leo may have been projecting his own limiting beliefs which is fine but its just nice to hear other peoples opinions. I love this place and I'm in a way better place mentally but there are more strides I would like to take in my life. I believe its all already mine right now but then just reality just kind of sets in here and there every once in a while. I would like to believe I can make whatever changes I want and be whoever I want to be. This doesn't mean that I'm not content with who I am. Its cool if I am just this forever and I know that is the case but I also believe that anything is possible and change is inevitable.
  9. I recently got sober and was at a bar with these 2 girls on saturday. They were trying to force me to drink and smoke over and over again. This one girl tried to do airplane her vape into my mouth like I was toddler lol. I honestly cant stand being at bars sober but who cares just keep drinking your water its only as weird as you make it.
  10. Beautifuly put, almost brought a tear to my eye to be honest. Im just so skeptical it makes it hard for me to have unwaivering belief sometimes. I go out of my way to look up how things like LOA might be a scam even though I believe in it so much. Or I'll watch videos that debunk things that I learned on actualized, or just try to find some way to debunk things that ressonate with me and it really kind of feels as if my descernment has been corrupted at times. I think I do bite off more then I can chew when it comes to the attraction stuff. I do believe I am God and I know subconsciously/consciously/unconsciously I have created this reality I live in. I like the way you put things and I'm struggling to say I will get back to that unwaivering faith I have for myself but I will make it truth, thank you.
  11. It was easier to understand death and everything else as just a figment of my imagination before I got sick. Death became very real after that with the things I've been experiencing for the past couple years. It's became easier to cope however. My ego wants to find a way to squirm out of this stuff so bad and any questions I have I pretty much know how you're going to answer them. Understanding Albert Einstein is imaginary benefits me as much as it doesnt. Meanwhile I have to eat, I have bills to pay, I actually would like to have experiences with my family and also please the shallow aspects of my ego. Understanding that nothing is real leaves me with nothing but the present moment which is fine, but then it wont be long before reality sets in again. In writing this I've narrowed it down to just that. If everything down to my ego is imaginary what aspect of what I am actually understands that? Because I can sit here and understand that my ego is a figment of my imagination, but it's my ego that wants to use that information for selfish gain. Am I simply just imagining that the ego wants to do that? If I'm just imagining my ego will use any information for selfish gain, can I simply just imagine that it won't anymore? Am I just imagining the nature of what the ego actually is? It just feels like whatever I learn is going to be used to just cope and escape. I've noticed this with self help stuff lately, its like learning things is nothing more than a hit of dopamine at this point. Even in understanding that dopamine and my brain is imaginary my ego seems to get off on it rather than actually understand it. But again am I just imagining that my mind is doing that? am I imagining dopamine spikes? I'm imagining you and this conversation, but again my ego just wants to use this to better my physical 3D life somehow. I'm just imagining that my life can get better or worse at all though. I'm just imagining that people rely on me. I'm imagining that understanding that everything isn't real will somehow bring me peace. But even then peace is imaginary. I dont know where it leaves me, but even the notion of being anywhere is just a figment of my imagination. If anything I'm just left with a lifetime full of questions that I honestly do not have the time or resources to answer at the moment, but I think they are very important so I suppose I dont have a choice.
  12. The way she breaks it down actually makes alot of sense. I've really been into manifestation and law of attraction for the past year especially. I seen some results and breakthroughs but alot of stuff has gone downhill for me so it makes me believe in less and less. The way she describes it in this video however makes it a little more concrete I just dont know how valid all this stuff is. Sometimes I feel like Im wasting my time just sitting there visualizing a better life for myself at times because nothing really seems to change. In fact things probably got worse lmao...
  13. yeah I think being stuck in stage orange kind of fucked alot of things up in my life. As an artist I think my business thrives more when I have a holistic worldview. I can see how just wanting to capitalize off of comission drove me into a really dark place. I get less work I started getting less people hitting me up for art because of my attitude and the way I project and then the art suffered greatly because I was doing it all for money.
  14. this really kind of bothered me at first when i first read it. But after the past week or so it kind of stuck in my head and the more and more I kind of just acccepted it the better I feel in some ways. I feel less neurotic about all these changes I was trying to make and the way I was trying to improve and it seems like it kind of freed up alot of space in my mind to actually focus on things that are more important.