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About digitalkaine

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  1. I recently got sober and was at a bar with these 2 girls on saturday. They were trying to force me to drink and smoke over and over again. This one girl tried to do airplane her vape into my mouth like I was toddler lol. I honestly cant stand being at bars sober but who cares just keep drinking your water its only as weird as you make it.
  2. Beautifuly put, almost brought a tear to my eye to be honest. Im just so skeptical it makes it hard for me to have unwaivering belief sometimes. I go out of my way to look up how things like LOA might be a scam even though I believe in it so much. Or I'll watch videos that debunk things that I learned on actualized, or just try to find some way to debunk things that ressonate with me and it really kind of feels as if my descernment has been corrupted at times. I think I do bite off more then I can chew when it comes to the attraction stuff. I do believe I am God and I know subconsciously/consciously/unconsciously I have created this reality I live in. I like the way you put things and I'm struggling to say I will get back to that unwaivering faith I have for myself but I will make it truth, thank you.
  3. It was easier to understand death and everything else as just a figment of my imagination before I got sick. Death became very real after that with the things I've been experiencing for the past couple years. It's became easier to cope however. My ego wants to find a way to squirm out of this stuff so bad and any questions I have I pretty much know how you're going to answer them. Understanding Albert Einstein is imaginary benefits me as much as it doesnt. Meanwhile I have to eat, I have bills to pay, I actually would like to have experiences with my family and also please the shallow aspects of my ego. Understanding that nothing is real leaves me with nothing but the present moment which is fine, but then it wont be long before reality sets in again. In writing this I've narrowed it down to just that. If everything down to my ego is imaginary what aspect of what I am actually understands that? Because I can sit here and understand that my ego is a figment of my imagination, but it's my ego that wants to use that information for selfish gain. Am I simply just imagining that the ego wants to do that? If I'm just imagining my ego will use any information for selfish gain, can I simply just imagine that it won't anymore? Am I just imagining the nature of what the ego actually is? It just feels like whatever I learn is going to be used to just cope and escape. I've noticed this with self help stuff lately, its like learning things is nothing more than a hit of dopamine at this point. Even in understanding that dopamine and my brain is imaginary my ego seems to get off on it rather than actually understand it. But again am I just imagining that my mind is doing that? am I imagining dopamine spikes? I'm imagining you and this conversation, but again my ego just wants to use this to better my physical 3D life somehow. I'm just imagining that my life can get better or worse at all though. I'm just imagining that people rely on me. I'm imagining that understanding that everything isn't real will somehow bring me peace. But even then peace is imaginary. I dont know where it leaves me, but even the notion of being anywhere is just a figment of my imagination. If anything I'm just left with a lifetime full of questions that I honestly do not have the time or resources to answer at the moment, but I think they are very important so I suppose I dont have a choice.
  4. The way she breaks it down actually makes alot of sense. I've really been into manifestation and law of attraction for the past year especially. I seen some results and breakthroughs but alot of stuff has gone downhill for me so it makes me believe in less and less. The way she describes it in this video however makes it a little more concrete I just dont know how valid all this stuff is. Sometimes I feel like Im wasting my time just sitting there visualizing a better life for myself at times because nothing really seems to change. In fact things probably got worse lmao...
  5. yeah I think being stuck in stage orange kind of fucked alot of things up in my life. As an artist I think my business thrives more when I have a holistic worldview. I can see how just wanting to capitalize off of comission drove me into a really dark place. I get less work I started getting less people hitting me up for art because of my attitude and the way I project and then the art suffered greatly because I was doing it all for money.
  6. this really kind of bothered me at first when i first read it. But after the past week or so it kind of stuck in my head and the more and more I kind of just acccepted it the better I feel in some ways. I feel less neurotic about all these changes I was trying to make and the way I was trying to improve and it seems like it kind of freed up alot of space in my mind to actually focus on things that are more important.
  7. lol this shit is so toxic, maybe we can all luv each other instead
  8. oh god i seen this video a week ago couldnt even make it halfway through. Idk if i would say that without porn this guy wouldnt exist I feel like ppl like this have existed throughout history. I still dont think porn is like healthy by any means but I'm struggling to understand why that is the case to be honest. All I know is typically when I meet someone who advocates for porn I dont usually kind of dont agree with their worldview and kind of just think they're coping. I really try to understand why I'm kind of repulsed by porn stars, people like Adam22, etc. and other people who are considered to live the degenerate lifestyle. I do lean towards more the opposite view at this point but If im completely honest I feel like there may be some kind of hinderance in my psychology just by being so neurotic about consuming porn and while agree with alot of nofap people I also think that its just not healthy to be so anti anything. I know alot of ppl would say like balance is important but idk I just know being so judgemental about it isnt really benefiting anyone.
  9. I do cover art for musicians <3 I wanna get into fine art and fashion though
  10. if you want to help people you can teach me how to make money because im utterly broke lol.
  11. Yesterday I had a very odd experience when driving home from my friends house. I felt like an overwhelming sense of power the best way I can describe it would be as if my higher self was slapping the shit out of me and waking me up. I dont know where to go from here anymore. I've meditated alot. I'm broke and alone. I dont even know if I really want money or a girlfriend anymore. I've had alot of sex in my life. Yesterday during this experience I just felt like this insane amount of energy, I did nofap/porn for like a month and half along with quitting drugs. Then I went back 2 fapping w/o porn then I finally watched prawn like 2 days ago. But stopped fapping again and prob wont watch it for however long. I still have sex sometimes. I feel like maybe the fact that I didnt fap gave me all this energy but I dont know what it was really. I think I might be crazy or losing my mind. Yesterday when I was meditating, I just kept envisioning like a higher self version of myself just beating the shit out of me and forcing me to focus on things that would make my life better. I had so much energy and then today I envisioned the same thing and conjured up that same enrgy for some reason it feels good I dont know why. The thought of a better version of myself sitting there and beating myself up and just being my own master/sensei made me feel stronger and focused and like I wanted to make better decisions and stop fumbling around. The more and more I kept doing it the more I realized that this is basically what edward nortons character experiences in fight club except hes not conscious of it. I started to watch alot of fight club content after that realization and tried to understand what it was about because I relate to it I guess. I keep having this internal battle. I dont want to blame Actualized because I actually love the content but in all honesty it doesnt feel like me. I hear so many people who are probably more unconscious say "I miss the old toxic you." Sometimes I miss that person too. I actually used to really be like tyler durden as cringe as that may be, that was like that was my natural state growing up and in my early 20s then the corporate world kinda swallowed me and ironically I found Actualized by searching how to not care what others think of you. I'm just writing this because I feel this urge to revert back to how I used to be and I can feel it very deep inside of me. I just dont want to be "toxic masculine." but I have this urge to project egoic masculine energy in my art or in certain aspects of my life. I meditate alot and I'm very aware of my feelings but Its been a while since I've been at peace. I think one of the biggest reasons why may be because of my health and financial situation. When all my bills were paid I didnt even have to meditate to actually be at peace and all loving the only thing was during that time I had little to no romantic relationships, idk what it was but like being even i guess semi enlightened was not good for me dating wise I feel like I came off really weird to alot of ppl. I feel like I'm at a point I could easily get a girlfriend which I do want like instictually but I would just hate to waste someones time while being as broke as I am. The thing is I think I have a decent opporitnuty as a felon to make money if I do kind of embody this "self destruction" type mindset and just push through with my art. I came up with a plan that actually may work but I'll just be honest, being all in tune with my feelings and shit is not helping me with focusing on my art while I have little to no money every day. I felt alive yesterday and today when that energy came about and I just want to channel it into completing art. I just feel as if majority people would consider it unhealthy. I also practiced alot of letting go this past week and I let go of alot of shit I kind of stood firm on. I feel alot better because of it. I just get really confused sometimes because people make it seem like all this shit is so wrong, but its not like I want to hurt anyone or even bother anyone but I feel like just by embodying certain things that I'm not allowed to simply exist with that energy. Like I do like the feeling of being dominant and just taking things over and wanting to have control over things and having power, as well as being able to express myself freely, but its not like I want to hurt anyone or judge people or put anyone below me. I would like to have all that stuff to help people and lift people up thats kind of my goal with my art. I love expressing myself but I've always been kind of a leader in alot of aspects alot of people listened to me growing up and for some reason I just feel like the art is just a vehicle to spread a message. And im not like trying to push anything political or in your face or tell people how to live but I just want my art to just make people more conscious I guess or just see things differently or feel things they might have not experienced before.
  12. I have alot of friends that are girls while also not having a girlfriend of my own. I do have some romantic relationships from time to time but nothing ever serious lately. I'm just writing this because I had 3 seperate conversations today with 3 different girls that were all similar and I like I dont want to be an asshole or rude but Idk why they all do and say the same shit. The first girl is my ex whos been with her new boyfriend for like over a year now and their whole relationship is a mess. Today she comes into my room and starts telling me about how she found text messages between him and some girl about how he wanted to give her a massage and then she contfronted him about it and then he broke his ipad over leg and had to go to the hospital for it because he cut his arm. This type of shit happens like weekly and then she just tells me how she talks to other dudes and even asked me if I wanted to hook up with her soon and I just said no. She then started talking about how she felt powerful because she was talking to her boyfriends cousin (while saying this shes getting ready to go hang out with her BF because he threw a fit and wanted to come pick her up). I'm just like how do you feel powerful if you just do whatever he says all the time? She kept going on and im like dude I really dont want to talk about this. She knows I hate hearing about toxic relationship shit so she was like "alright I'll shut up." Not in an angry way but she just knows that im not interested in that stuff. The second girl is my friend who like without my consent basically just starts telling me about this dude shes dating and how like he wont let her break up with him, and I'm just like what the fuck does that even mean? like how does someone not let you break up with them. and then she goes on about how he just shows up to her house and like demands she sees him and then she does it and then like last time she cornered her in her room and was yelling at her. and the whole time I'm like trying to be her friend because it sounds like its abusive but I just dont understand like how it even gets to that point if you dont want to be with him to begin with. Dont get me wrong I got my own problems for sure which is probably why I'm single but when I hear shit like this I'm like wtf. I get being in love and shit but like I really dont understand how you just continuously chose to just do things like that knowing the outcome and then like complaining about it constantly. And then I'm not going to lie it almost makes me feel like I'm in the wrong for like not being insecure or something, but maybe I'm just around the wrong type of people? I really hope everyone is not like this but this is all I see most of the time. Like these dudes get all insecure because they're dating hot girls and then it becomes abusive and the girls act like its such a huge problem but continue to stay thinking they can fix them or something and its just like why even waste your time doing that. truthfully I really dont care if my SO gets attention from men as long as shes like not being blatently disrespectful then I wouldnt give a shit at all, and even if something was to occur where she did do something behind my back I would just leave. I wouldnt like hate her or disrespect her or be petty back, like I understand we're human she doesnt owe me anything and I'm really just usually appreciateive of any time spent but like I dont have to deal with that. It just seems like everybody has an attraction to being in toxic relationships and its just kind of annoying in all honesty. Everyone talks about how they wanna be with someone who is fine with or without them but they continuously chose people who are willing to crash out if they dont get what they want. I'm really not trying to act like i'm the most secure person on the planet either, I have insecurities for sure but I'd really rather do anything then just be in a toxic realtionship where I'm like doing all this stuff that isn't me just for someone to love me.
  13. Thats what I've been thinking too. Seems like hes maturing and giving genuine advice.
  14. I see what you're saying as well. I do appreciate that type of advice in all honesty. I know its not the answer to all my questions because you are right my situation and my psychology is nuanced and complex along with the world and society its not as easy as me just staying fully committed to being the best me. I really dont have anyone that gives that type of advice in my life though so it is kind of nice mostly everyone around me kind of enables me to just be the way I am. Nobody is ever real with me, I'm not looking for like respect or to be coddled I really want an honest opinion or response so I can better understand myself. Sometimes other perspectives really help with that, I feel like everyones too nice and its cool I mean we all need that at times but I'm just interested in seeing things from a different perspective.