Mom forcing for Marriage. It's silly but what do I do?

[assx95]

My mom, i didn't know what a devil she is. So she had cancer last year, which was bad. And she recovered. And now she says- She doesn't know how long she'll survive, and she'll need to shift soon to her native place with my dad after he retires. Which is in a year. She is literally weaponizing her condition, and my sister's 22, so me being older needs to get married first, so she's weaponizing that as well. And she says- If you don't want to get married, don't call me Mommy. Goddamnit. When i tell her when she could leave, she's like she's not going to leave me alone here in the city, without me marrying someone. Honestly, this is quite emasculating now that I'm 27 M. I thought of rebelling but this emotional dramaqueen of my mom is too manipulative and has me by the balls. 

Tough luck, my job is in the same city as my parents, so i live with them. And I'd barely be able to make ends meet if I move out. No saving. Living on bills kind of situation. I'm able to save some money living with my parents but it's coming at a cost. 

There's just one freedom. I could choose who I marry. Like there's no arranged marriage stuff. But i have just an year. What do I do? I am inexperienced. in dating.  And life moves so fast. Is it even something to worry about? Should I move out, it isnt as easy as it sounds, they'll be like- Why you want to move out when you get everything here and while we are here, as family? It's quite stupid. 

[Majed]

@assx95 find a way to move out, this is becoming toxic. there is no way you are not going to regret a marriage done while you are inexperienced with dating. first move out of your parent's house, then spend some time approaching and learning game.

[Verg0]

Move out, it´s easier than you think it is. 

[Yarco]

Just tell her straight up, she can respect your autonomy as a 27 year old grown ass man, or she can choose to die alone and on bad terms with her child.

Forcing you to get married in a year has a big chance of ending up with someone you won't be happy with. If she really loved you, she wouldn't doom you to the next 40 years of potentially being in an unhappy marriage, or getting divorced because you made a hasty decision. What does it matter when she's dead anyway?

Talk to her and try to get to the root of why you getting married is so important to her. Whatever the reason... so you'll have someone to look after you that cares about you when she's gone, etc... marriage is no guarantee of that.

Also don't use being in the same city as an excuse. It's easy to move somewhere else, not tell them where, and just disappear. Except maybe running into them while shopping once a year or something. If they find out where you live then just refuse to let them in and call the cops on them, like you would with any other threatening stranger / stalker.

Realistically -- if it's not an arranged marriage situation, you're just going to stress yourself out trying to find a girlfriend and failing for the next year, and then she'll die. If you're desperate to get married, women will be able to tell and it'll turn them away. Or everybody in this situation can just chill out and enjoy the little time they have left with each other.

[mr_engineer]

Don't marry. 

And ignore their BS. 

[thepixelmonk]

1 hour ago, Yarco said:

Just tell her straight up, she can respect your autonomy as a 27 year old grown ass man, or she can choose to die alone and on bad terms with her child.

Literally this.

[flowboy]

Not to mention, a man in a codependent dynamic with his mom who has him by the balls, is not exactly someone a woman would view as ready for marriage... any woman you would meet, would probably demand that you dial back this codependent relationship with your mom first, and rightly so.

I appreciate that this is easier said than done.

If this is what you grew up in, this toxicity is the water and you are the fish.

You're not aware of it - at the same time, any other fish you attract will be in the same water.

Until you do some therapy to realise the extent to which your childhood with this dynamic with your mom has soured your relationships with other women, and release the grip she has on you... the women you get into relationships with, will in all likelihood share some unpleasant characteristics with your mother.

TL;DR:

- Break free

- Find a good therapist or counselor who has experience with toxic family systems and childhood trauma

- Go to therapy at the same time as carefully starting to date women, and teach yourself by experience and with help of the therapist what healthy dynamics in relationships should look like.

 

I'm not recommending you therapy because I think you are bad and must be fixed, but because it's a good thing to do for healthy people, and also because people who had toxic dynamics with their caregivers tend to end up in codependent and toxic relationships again and again, until they properly deal with that history.

It's just because the imprint is off.

If a baby duck hatches and sees a shoe instead of its mom, it will follow the shoe around instead of its mom.

If a baby human is born and sees a controlling, covert narcissist mom for the first 9 years, it will follow around controlling, covert narcissist women forever until it finds a good therapist with experience in C-PTSD, childhood trauma and toxic family systems.

I can recommend you Patrick Teahan's YouTube channel.

[Raze]

Maybe be open to it, she probably won’t find anyone if you have as little money as you say, or she might find someone who you’ll like. Just don’t agree to the actual marriage, but say you’re open to it and will meet someone.

[petar8p]

Get some extra cash online or selling drugs or whatever way and move the fuck out.

[puporing]

I'm sorry you're in that situation. It must feel very tough to be guilted like that. You're not wrong for wanting to live life the way you choose. Just be firm with her, and look for a way to move out soon.. You can find love for her better that way when you can have some boundaries perhaps. Sending you love.

Edited October 17, 2022 by puporing