Episodes of mental breakdown / dissociation, help appreciated

[Value]

Advice much appreciated

Background:

I used to follow Leo's advice on meditation during around 2015-2016. After only a few months of 1hr daily meditation I had my first Samadhi experience. 

At some point I got really dissosiated when doing hypnosis (around a year later (or sth). It freaked me the hell out and I stopped meditating ever since.

Symptoms:

At this point I experience dissociative or DPD symptoms from day to day, creating extreme anxiety. I get anxiety often when I sit still and try to relax or lie down (can't sleep without youtube these days). I have developed an intense fear of heights that relates to this. The trance of riding a car also freaks me out and for a while I couldn't drive. I would say my body energies are out of balance. I am addicted to my phone which makes my brain tired - though checking my phone is the way in which I start to feel like a person again when the dissosiaction comes up. Watching myself in the mirror for too long makes me uncomfortable.
I am aware that my life story is a lie but it is just too damn scary to walk into madness or the unknown, I have dreams of what I want to do with my human life, I have family that I love, what happens when they just turn into nonpersonal sensations? Will I become a ghost shell "walking around" a dream world? The episodes I experience feel existential. I am not ready for full awakening, not ready to die.

 

Thoughts:

Dean Radin has said that around 1% of the population gets psychotic from meditation and I'm a little fearful whether I could be one of them. Maybe a braintype thing? Weed for example makes me com-ple-tely dissosiated, makes me lose sense of reality, of self and make my senses become distorted. I never hear others talking about weed this way. Also the fact that my Samadhi came rather quickly from the meditation practice make me think whether my brain is a little bit too sensitive for this to be healthy. I am extremely creative naturally and enter deep creative flow state rather easily, I am a bit ADHD-like at times. 
 

I dunno, any tips? I'm a really happy guy otherwise

Edited July 3, 2022 by Value

[Someone here]

Grounding techniques can keep you connected to the present and help you avoid feelings, memories, flashbacks or intrusive thoughts that you don't feel able to cope with yet. You could try:

breathing slowly

listening to sounds around you

walking barefoot

wrapping yourself in a blanket and feeling it around you

touching something or sniffing something with a strong smell.

Focus on the sensations you are feeling right now. You might find it helpful to keep a box of things with different textures and smells (for example perfume, a blanket and some smooth stones) ready for when you need it.

[Nilsi]

10 hours ago, Value said:

Advice much appreciated

Background:

I used to follow Leo's advice on meditation during around 2015-2016. After only a few months of 1hr daily meditation I had my first Samadhi experience. 

At some point I got really dissosiated when doing hypnosis (around a year later (or sth). It freaked me the hell out and I stopped meditating ever since.

Symptoms:

At this point I experience dissociative or DPD symptoms from day to day, creating extreme anxiety. I get anxiety often when I sit still and try to relax or lie down (can't sleep without youtube these days). I have developed an intense fear of heights that relates to this. The trance of riding a car also freaks me out and for a while I couldn't drive. I would say my body energies are out of balance. I am addicted to my phone which makes my brain tired - though checking my phone is the way in which I start to feel like a person again when the dissosiaction comes up. Watching myself in the mirror for too long makes me uncomfortable.
I am aware that my life story is a lie but it is just too damn scary to walk into madness or the unknown, I have dreams of what I want to do with my human life, I have family that I love, what happens when they just turn into nonpersonal sensations? Will I become a ghost shell "walking around" a dream world? The episodes I experience feel existential. I am not ready for full awakening, not ready to die.

 

Thoughts:

Dean Radin has said that around 1% of the population gets psychotic from meditation and I'm a little fearful whether I could be one of them. Maybe a braintype thing? Weed for example makes me com-ple-tely dissosiated, makes me lose sense of reality, of self and make my senses become distorted. I never hear others talking about weed this way. Also the fact that my Samadhi came rather quickly from the meditation practice make me think whether my brain is a little bit too sensitive for this to be healthy. I am extremely creative naturally and enter deep creative flow state rather easily, I am a bit ADHD-like at times. 
 

I dunno, any tips? I'm a really happy guy otherwise

I had alot of the same issues come up for me, it can be quite overwhelming when all this stuff happens so fast. Weed makes me go nuts aswell  All I can tell you is keep going if you find the strength for it. Handle your addictions, make your body strong and healthy (eat the right shit, exercise, get good sleep...), make sure you have healthy relationships a stable income and a life purpose that brings you joy and meaning. You will have to face madness and death at some point in this work but on the other side of it lies unspeakable beauty and strength. 

Hang in there brother! In the end it will all have been worth it.

[Leo Gura]

@Value I would say you're just unique and you will have a unique spiritual path which will not align with the common path.

This is all good. You just have to find a spiritual path which honors your unique sensitivities.

[WelcometoReality]

16 hours ago, Value said:

I dunno, any tips? I'm a really happy guy otherwise

My only tip is to meet the fear which you are distracting yourself from. That will balance out the energies in the body and make it feel more relaxed.

[Kksd74628]

@Leo Gura

I have to give respect to you Leo for changing your overall tone in this forum for better : )

-joNi-

[Loving Radiance]

On 4.7.2022 at 0:03 AM, Value said:

I am aware that my life story is a lie but it is just too damn scary to walk into madness or the unknown, I have dreams of what I want to do with my human life, I have family that I love, what happens when they just turn into nonpersonal sensations? Will I become a ghost shell "walking around" a dream world? The episodes I experience feel existential. I am not ready for full awakening, not ready to die.

In similar situation here. This quote describes me exactly.

This is what I found out and what I work on right now:

• Grounding is the most important. What others wrote, mindfulness of sensation etc., is good.
• In my heavy dissociation episodes even focusing on sensations and the world is distorted and tainted. If feeling heavily dissociated, talk to somebody who is open to nonjudgmental listening and holding the space for self-expression. Just speaking about it helps. And so does just being silent when no words want to come out.
• Cut out the distraction with your phone... I know it's hard.
• Meeting the fear you avoid can make you more dissociated. For that proper grounding is good. When dissociated, embrace your experience right now. It's okay. Hold the space for yourself, like holding space for somebody who's having a good cry.
• My grounding meditation is focusing on sensation in the body WHILE also noticing the surrounding sensation like bird songs. Focus on the connection of your body IN or WITH the world. Practice this throughout the day to get to 24/7 body awareness.
• Physical exercise
• Mindful eating
• Aim to reduce intellectual activity to short high intensity bursts.

[Fernanda]

@Value I had similar experiences, feeling sensitive to so many things that caused an almost unberable anxiety. Sometimes I couldn't drive or go to certain places. It took me years to ground back. I changed my diet, my friends, my work, my habits. Now I know the depth of the calling. I had to be a new person in order to live again and it was a blessing after a while. At first, you might not be able to face the fears that are coming to the surface, but afer you ground a little, you will be able to, and not escaping is the answer.

Just love yourself, be kind to yourself, everything is fine, always

[Carl-Richard]

Your journey sounds identical to mine.

I stopped meditating for the same reason 2 years ago, and only in the last couple of months, I can say that I'm back to a reasonably stable sense of self (which also has its downsides of course).

I learned some grounding techniques that I use when I feel like I'm slipping away:

- intentionally walking with a kind of hunched over posture ("nerd neck")

- slightly tightening the left part of my abdomen (as if you're making yourself thinner by pulling your stomach in, albeit on one side)

- doing something on my phone (you know this one)

 

Other than that, some decently sub-optimal lifestyle changes helped me also:

- eating large meals, regularly

- falling asleep on my stomach

- masturbating at least 2-3 times a week

- generally keeping my mind occupied

 

As for driving a car, I would try to juggle some of these techniques. Nowadays, driving is not that bad for me.