I keep dying but I don't want to

By Carl-Richard in Spirituality, Consciousness, Awakening, Mysticism, Meditation, God,
I've been obsessed with enlightenment for quite a while now, but I've come to realize more and more that I'm actually not ready for it. The problem is though, the more I give up my interest in it, the more it keeps seeping into my experience, even when I've stopped meditating for 10 days. Are anybody else having the same problem?

This is a youtube comment I made about 10 days ago on HealthyGamerGG's video "What Even is Meditation?":

"Be careful with meditation. I've been meditating for 3 years everyday, and just now lately I've had to stop, because I'll be sitting in a lecture just listening to what is being said, and out of nowhere, it feels like time stops, I'm losing control of my actions and that I'm dying and never coming back. This has happened many times during meditation, and despite how beautiful and blissful it is, I always revolt in fear, because I'm not ready to leave my life behind, because that is what it feels like. But now it's happening with eyes open and totally outside my control, and the only thing that stops it from going completely off the rails is manually tensing up and throwing a little silent tantrum. Even when this makes me feel like I do regain a little sense of control, it's an illusion which is very easy to see through, and before you know it, you will keep sinking deeper into the deafening silence until you're trembling in sheer terror. I know, I know: this is what the people who are chasing enlightenment (which I used to do) are just dreaming about being able to experience, but don't be fooled: the price for liberation is your life. Transcending the mind is nothing short of losing your mind. But yeah, if you are able to let go, it will be the most worthwhile thing you can do in life. I hope I will reach that point at some point, but right now, I don't have the courage or trust to do it."

I feel that the reason I don't feel like letting go is because I'm young and not developed as a person. It's primarily that I'm not economically independent yet and socially underdeveloped. I haven't built up trust or faith in myself, and I feel a desire to control, to survive. There are a few things I feel I want to fix in my life before giving it up, and yes, I know this is just a game I'm playing with myself, and I will just keep going to the next thing ("I just have to fix this first"), again and again and again, untill I just decide to stop (granted that you can't actively "choose" to stop, you know all that non-dual jazz...).

I just wanted to hear if I'm not alone about this. Lately it's been getting harder to keep this "dying process" from happening, and I don't know if anybody has got any tips for me. Thanks
  • 15 replies