She Stopped Mid Sex

[Leo Gura]

13 hours ago, Anon212 said:

@Leo Gura I don't like the idea of dating multiple girls at once. It seems like way to much effort. I would rather just hang out with one girl at a time.

I never said you had to date multiple girls at once. One iw fine. But realize that you will get attached and needy with her and this will cost you hot girls.

The hottest girls are attracted to the most detached guys. And realistically the only way you can become that detached is by sleeping with so many hot girls that none of them matter to you.

It's really hard to just attract one hot girl and call it a day and keep her. Realistically the only way you will be able to keep her is if you've slept with even hotter girls in the past, and plenty of them, to the point where you are not clingy with her and her hotness doesn't make you go crazy.

Even if you get super lucky and land a model, you will quickly lose her because you don't have enough masculine groundedness to be the solid man she needs you to be for her.

Quote

I was hoping the yoga practice I have been doing for the past year would have made me a bit more detached.

If only it were so easy.

[Roy]

17 hours ago, Anon212 said:

I don't like the idea of dating multiple girls at once. It seems like way to much effort. I would rather just hang out with one girl at a time. I was hoping the yoga practice I have been doing for the past year would have made me a bit more detached.

It's only as much effort as you decide put in. Just because you are dating actively doesn't mean you are obligated to kiss/have sex with them all. I was juggling about 5-7 girls within a month last year, but I only committed emotionally and physically to the one I found was the best match. I respectfully cut ties with everyone else at that point, or they did with me. It teaches you to be detached and think more clearly and objectively about if someone is a healthy match for you, instead of having it as your only option so by default you might behave needy. Leo answered it well also. Basically you want to have options or a bunch of experience and history to build yourself so you have a healthy level of detachment. Just don't be a sociopath that is just looking to lie to use them as walking fleshlights, have the balls to be honest about your intentions.

Think about teenagers/young people. Their relationships are almost always very cringe and filled with massive blind spots and attachment issues, because they are needy and don't have that reference for what is healthy or what kind of person they are meant to be with.

This is exactly why when those relationships crash and burn they are more prone to having dramatic reactions, like some guy crashing into a tree because he was drunk driving, or the girl threatening suicide because she wasn't "the one".

Of course adults can react in stupid ways too, but it doesn't have quite the same "flare".

[Karmadhi]

8 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

I never said you had to date multiple girls at once. One iw fine. But realize that you will get attached and needy with her and this will cost you hot girls.

The hottest girls are attracted to the most detached guys. And realistically the only way you can become that detached is by sleeping with so many hot girls that none of them matter to you.

It's really hard to just attract one hot girl and call it a day and keep her. Realistically the only way you will be able to keep her is if you've slept with even hotter girls in the past, and plenty of them, to the point where you are not clingy with her and her hotness doesn't make you go crazy.

Even if you get super lucky and land a model, you will quickly lose her because you don't have enough masculine groundedness to be the solid man she needs you to be for her.

Isn't a decent girl a better deal than a hot girl? This is so much shit tbh just for like 2-3 points of physical attractivness.

I feel like it is better mentally for you to be dating a 6.5-7 than a 8 or 9.

 

Edited January 3, 2022 by Karmadhi

[Anon212]

@Roy Well see it's weird. I can be needy but at the same time I have more of an avoidant attachment style. I spend A LOT of time alone and hanging out with one girl is pushing my comfort zone. Five girls will drive me up the wall. With that, how on earth are you supposed to make arrangements with that many people? It can be hard enough to get one girl out.

 

I do understand what you are saying though. It would be better for my growth if I was to date around much more, have more sex maybe. I can see how that will lend itself to becoming more detached in this particular domain of life. I think sexual abundance might also be a factor but in this specific case I was actually more emotionally attracted to the girl. I do intend on dating around more!

[Anon212]

@Leo Gura Hmm, don't women like it when you chase them though? I thought we have to demonstrate the sexual desire instantly and isn't that similar to attachment? To be fair, I must have come across as detached to his girl and it definitely did not turn out as I wanted it to. 

[Bando]

14 hours ago, Emotionalmosquito said:

Let’s communicate our level of attraction among other things through non verbal “cues” then wonder why when the other person doesn’t know what’s up. When we could save ourselves ten times the hassle by simply using ours words like adults. 

80% of your game should not be explicitly implied being up front and telling the girl you like her without building anything up only works if your in a setting where you can heavily screen girls and not have it bite you in the ass, like cold approaching or online game, if your in a setting where being to forward could have repercussions like social circle game, work, a place you visit often then you have to be more subtle. Its not that complicated is just social calibration.

[Dabidoe]

 

4 hours ago, Anon212 said:

@Leo Gura Hmm, don't women like it when you chase them though? I thought we have to demonstrate the sexual desire instantly and isn't that similar to attachment? To be fair, I must have come across as detached to his girl and it definitely did not turn out as I wanted it to. 

  There is a big difference between chasing someone, showing interest and scaring someone with mismatched levels of desire and affection. Being confident and pursuing a woman is a lot different than falling in love before you even know how she feels about you. In my experience even if a girl is interested in you it's very easy to shoot yourself in the foot by coming on too strong too soon. Having feelings for someone is not a bad thing. Don't judge yourself, view it as a learning experience. You need to develop some emotional mastery, put your strong feelings desire and affection on the appropriate backburner and accept that whatever happens happens, not run into the situation with hearts in your eyes.

Try and view the situation from the girl's perspective. When she thought you weren't interested you came across as confident, IE: this guy isn't attracted to me because maybe he has too much going on already. Maybe she wasn't looking for a relationship, maybe she wanted to "test the waters" and just have a casual hookup. When she got a hint of your feelings for her it seems like she wanted to put up some barriers before they escalated (which is actually kind to you - sparing further attachment and subsequent pain).

I agree with Leo if you had more experience then your levels of neediness would be reduced but don't judge yourself, you gotta start somewhere! You shot your shot, you may have stumbled but you at least had some degree of success which you can feel proud of. In my experience projecting confidence (even if it's 'put on') and trying to convince yourself that if things don't work out you will be fine either way is a good way to manage your emotions, minimize feelings of hurt and get laid.

Play it cool hot shot! Give her some space, act like you've got other things going on (and you should be pursuing other things!), don't beat yourself up and just try to be present (not overthinking things) not detached. You can totally fake confidence at first, even if you have to "act" at first it will eventually percolate into genuine confidence. You're on the actualized.org forum already so chances are you're already ahead of the game learning about emotional mastery and self improvement, be confident that one day you will be the lady killer you know you can be.

Edited January 3, 2022 by Dabidoe

[Anon212]

@Dabidoe You are absolutely right. It's funny though because I took a year off chasing girls just to focus on doing Kriya yoga. I spent a year doing it relentlessly. I am typically a detached person. I don't even think I am attached to my friends too much. Nor am I attached to money or things. I actually lost quite a bit of money on something stupid recently but it didn't bother me one bit. I didn't have an iota of an emotional response.

 

I don't know if I crave sex as much as I crave deep spiritual intimacy with a woman. If I was to pinpoint one desire, it would be this. In fact, sex doesn't even matter that much. It is important but I really want a spiritual connection. Everything else that I desire is secondary. I just got very attached to this girl because I saw the possibility of this desire being fulfilled. 

 

The fact that I suck with women is still a reality. I know I need to get good at this even to attract that spiritual girl but I find this idea quite exciting rather than a reason for self-pity. Thank you for your response.

[NatureB]

It's possible that not enough comfort was built. Maybe you made the girl feel easy or like a slut. And for a girl that's equivalent to death.

Think about being the slut of your tribe 10,000 years ago. You'd be killed or ostracized which meant sure death.

Anyway, you never really know until you ask, like Leo said. But don't make it a big deal.

 

As for getting over the neediness, why are you not enough by yourself?

And secondly, as a man your purpose comes before your woman. Have you been on or off purpose recently?

[hyruga]

@Anon212 Well, basically your girl is a risktaker and she's okay with making out but just not okay with sex yet. 

[Brandon L]

@Anon212 Your story is pretty similar to mine.

[Tristan12]

On 1/1/2022 at 10:52 AM, Anon212 said:

She starts talking about consciousness, love, God, Towism, Hinduism etc...  And I fall hard.

Relatable lmao

[flowboy]

On 01/01/2022 at 4:52 PM, Anon212 said:

Anyways, I walk her outside and give her a hug. I say I'm sorry if I pushed to far and she said it's all good. She enjoyed her time with me. She said she's not looking for a relationship right now (maybe she saw that I became attached or needy because I did). I told her that's ok and I also said that I'm interested in dating right now. I told her that there is no obligation to text or speak again on her part (respectfully) but she says that she enjoys my company and that we can "hang out". She then leaves and that's it.

@Anon212 You are too hung up on being respectful. The things I marked bold, you should not have done. Don't try to be a good boy to make up for the insecurity she caused in you by stopping you.

Girls will stop you to test how you respond. If it makes you flustered and insecure, then you are too attached, and she feels unsafe and doesn't trust you.

So how to respond when she stops you?

Trick question.

You stop her before she stops you.

Two steps forward, one step back, sir.

And you have to be the one setting the pace.

 

(The fact that she says you "can hang out" means she jumped into the leading role, setting the pace, telling you the boundaries, because you lost your frame when you got insecure. Her setting the pace and the frame will only lead to friendship, because she can't be attracted to a man who can't lead her.)

Long term solution: inspect the insecurity she triggered when she stopped you, and resolve it. Why did you think there was something wrong with what you were doing? In a sense, her stopping you can be fine, and you can still make the date work and escalate later, as long as you don't have insecurities that get triggered by it.

When that leads you to mentally go: "You're right, what I was doing was wrong, you should have stopped me, I submit, whatever you want is fine". That is what she saw happen, which means she can easily make you insecure, which makes her lose attraction.

So that's where the work is.

 

There is no limitation, by the way. If she still wants to speak to you, and you are able to have a conversation with her and display total freedom, lightness and detachment from outcome, and also be honest about the insecurity that got triggered and show that you're self-honest about it, without getting down on yourself, you can have another date with her tomorrow and maybe even sleep with her.

It all depends on your state of mind and ability to be honest and let go.

Edited January 7, 2022 by flowboy

[Anon212]

I'm bumping this because a few things happened and I'd like some advice. As advised, I decided to move on and I went on speaking to other girls. I thought this girl was pretty much disinterested at this point. However, she texts me two weeks later and asks for advice about taxes and I respond but I did not flirt or anything. Then it went silent again for 1.5 weeks. She hit me up again but this time asked me how I was doing and this time she was very flirty so now I am meeting her again next week. I want to make sure I close this time because it seems as though she is definitely interested. 

[Roy]

If you are going to see her again, make sure you plan something fun. DO not bring up what happened unless she seriously presses you on it, even then just try to brush it off casually. Pretend you don't even remember. Don't give her a reason to feel anxious or self conscious, and she'll feel safe. You should be able to close with this frame.

Good luck!

[actually]

Dont show interest in her: she will get attracted and you’re interesting

show any interest in a needy form: she will dry up very quickly and bounce

 

women are weird like that. If you want to get your dick wet, dont show her too much interest. Act like you’re annoyed with her.

 

inb4 girls replying with alot of anger: i do this and it fucking works everytime

 

 

edit: even if she was attracted to you in the first place and was wanting to get her guts rearranged, at the moment you act needy, she will control alt delete all those feelings and you’re basically at ground zero again. Have to build the attraction from start again.

Edited February 21, 2022 by actually