renegade_bee

Probably The Last Thing I'll Ever Write

55 posts in this topic

15 hours ago, ajasatya said:

fighting inner conflicts and starting to get ready for the real deal soon.

can you please elaborate on what you mean by 'the real deal' ? 

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5 hours ago, Arman said:

can you please elaborate on what you mean by 'the real deal' ? 

starting a new life free from all old patterns, leaving the past behind and following your inner truth with accuracy. no more boring excuses.

finding a job, living with your own effort, shutting down all addictions and corrosive relationships and sticking to a spiritual practice unconditionally.

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as "i" loves "you", the universe, the unborn reality - ajasatya - experiences self love.

hi. i love you.

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@Lipthru I have wrote a blog post on a few ideas you can start doing to develop mental tougness http://www.miarivel.com/8-tips-on-mental-toughness/ have a read through this and if you have any more questions you can message me and I can see how I can help you further. 

 

And in short to stop screwing yourself over, its all starts with a decision to stop doing that. Yes its hard but it is only as hard as you make it. The problem is people are scared to even try to start over, to discipline them self because they are lazy and comfortable and no one wants to break out of their comfort zone so they stay complacent and in their safety zone where no change can happen to them. Their fear is bigger than their courage for possibility. Excuses are their best friend. Whenever I have a client who gives me an excuse for anything, I stop them immediately and get them to recognise that they are sabotaging themselves, they are basically screwing them self over. 

People procrastinate and wonder why life won't make me rich or happy because they don't have a plan. You need a plan. And although things don't always go to plan at least you have a structure in place a blueprint - you have somewhere to start to do something. You need to be your own cheerleader and believe in yourself more, the hell with what everyone else thinks, you don't need other people's opinion and validation or approval, you make your own rules and make a plan every single day to go do it! if you struggle and need help, then ask for it, ask someone that wants to see you succeed, there is nothing worse than asking the wrong person for help because not everyone will want to see you succeed. 

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On 2017-01-03 at 0:18 AM, BabyBat said:

Pink-Necked-Green-Pigeon.jpg
purty birb

I had a good laugh. Thank you for that :D

I certainly hope it also cheered the gentleman who started this thread.

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On Wednesday, December 14, 2016 at 11:06 AM, renegade_bee said:

Hello everyone,

This gets a bit heavy but I didn't know where else to post this, I'll probably put it on reddit too.

I'm an 18 year old male. Normally I should be excited for the life ahead and all its possibilities. My situation is a bit different. Very soon, I will take my own life.

I know the response would be to man up and stop being a victim, which is all good and well when you actually have some control over your circumstances which I have not.

Suicide in my case is not a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Let me explain.

There are a million things not going right in my life right now. I'm severley depressed and have been for years now. Psychologists and therapists don't help at all. And no I'll never take drugs. I've seen how they changed my mothers personality and I'd rather die than live like that. And I'm not depressed bc of a brain imbalance, I'm depressed bc of the circumstances. However I'm convinced I could fix this if only my circumstances changed.

I have extreme social anxiety and few friends.

I have a binge eating disorder. My stomach hurts often because of overeating and then dieting/fasting.

My dads an alcoholic who has no empathy at all for me. He also is in the beginning stages of Alzheimers (no one knows this; I recognized the symptoms but haven't told anyone). My mom is a wreck and emotionally unstable as well. I'm starting to develop an alcohol problem as well.

However I'm convinced I can solve all of the above.

My main reason is embarrasing and unsolvable. 4 years ago (when i was 14) I contracted a UTI. I had extreme pain during urination, had frequent urges and had extreme pain during ejaculation. So just go to the doctor and get it fixed, right? Well I did. I went to my GP maybe 12 times in the span of 2 years? He prescribed me all kinds of things (antibiotics, drugs, ...) but nothing helped. Then I went to two urologists. I did every test imaginable, from urine testing to checking inside my bladder with a camera. Again I took lots of different medications for months on end. Nothing helped. At this Point I started becoming extremely desperate. I could live with the urination pain but the worst part of all is the fact that ejaculating hurts so much. I'll never be able to have sex like this. At this point I also started looking into other doctors. I did homeopathy (a scam). Didn't help. I went to a psychologist and a psychiatrist. They told me I should learn to live with this. Fuck that.

I went to a herb specialist. Didn't help. I went to a chiropractor. Didn't help. I took supplements that are supposed to kill the pain. Didn't help. I went to a hypnotherapist. Didn't help. I tried affirmations, visualizations, meditation. Didn't help. I'm now 18 and in my first year of college. During every class I have to leave the room with more than a hundred people several times just to go to the bathroom. It's extremely embarrasing. The pain is still there. Nothing. Fucking. Helps.

All my friends are getting their lives started and are getting laid and while I'm happy for them, the realisation has now dawned on me that I will never experience this. If it weren't for this problem I would have been able to solve all the rest. I'm failing college as well because I just can't handle this anymore. I'm at my wits end.

Therefore I have decided to kill myself the next time my parents are out of town for a night. I'm still researching on what the most painless method is, but aftre putting on some music I'll probably just fill the bathtub, get in and slit my wrists.

I still don't know what the meaning of this existence is and why so many people have to suffer so much. I never chose to start this life, but I can choose to end it. I have come to the conclusion that God can't be good. Even if all this suffering is just ego, it's still very real for the people who live through it. Maybe there is an afterlife. I hope its better than this. 

I don't know why I wrote this or what kind of a response I should expect. Just why not i guess.

To anyone reading this, I wish you all the best in life.

Maybe consider opening your mind to the idea, that if you just make it through this dark phase, something good awaits on the other side.

Why do people who say that they have experienced hell also say (later) that they are glad that experience happened and how it shaped them? Don't ask how it will happen but instead try to see the common patterns of life, that's all it is, patterns, you don't know how it will happen but somehow things work out. After a storm there is a calm.

As Jim rohn said - you can't control when there is a winter, or a spring, but you can learn to manage the winters and take advantage of the springs.

For that I'd recommand meditating, even if it's only 10 or 20 minutes a day, because the last thing you should do is try to guilt yourself into "taking responsibility" by trying to implement knee jerk changes that always backfire, instead focus on what you fucking CAN do.

Edited by Wormon Blatburm
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On 12/26/2016 at 0:38 PM, Wind said:

1. Suicide is selfish. Think about the pain that you would cause to your parents.
2.

 

Whether it is selfish or not shouldn't be focused on in these types of situations. When someone is suicidal it means they should say fuck how others think they should live and focus on loving themselves the most. Denial of emotions and suffering will just cause further problems down the road.

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Still alive ;) good to see that ! All the best for you :)

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@renegade_bee Don't think about suicide man. You gotta have the logic to know that you're only 18 and everything will change. When I was 20 I had severe manic depression. Dr's and pills never helped me, unfortunately. That all changed by age 22 and my life has just  Gotten better and better ever since. I was where you are man. Please hear me - you are just getting started in this life. You don't know what the rest will look like. Just hang in there and keep trying things. I garuntee if you keep going and keep trying, you absolutely will find the cure for your UTI. You will. It could be only a month away. The right Dr often makes all the difference. If YOU DON'T GIVE UP, YOU WILL SEE THAT THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WILL BE THE SWEET LIFE OF SOMEONE WHO SURPASSES EVERYONE'S WILDEST DREAMS BECAUSE WHEN OTHERS GAVE UP, YOU DIDN'T. DON'T GIVE UP. 

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\

Edited by Nahm
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Here is a holistic answer.  
Book: Louise L. Hay  - You can Heal your Life.

Pg. 201

Problem:  Suicide
Probable Cause: Seeing Life Only in Black and White. Refusal to see another way out.
New Thought Pattern (to meditate and focus on): I live in the totality of possibilities.  There is always another way. I am safe.

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@renegade_bee Sorry to hear this. Listen, you are right about being young; you're only 18, and have a full life ahead of you. However, do you notice that to "man up" and "to get laid" by a certain age is part of society's sterotype? You don't have to be pressured to do those. If you have others who are pressuring you to do those when you're not ready, then you are around inauthentic people. 

Another thing you don't have to do is finish college / university right away. Try to get yourself healed first. I'm not just talking about physically - in whatever ways you can. Remember, don't be in such a big hurry to get everything solved. It never works this way. Replace habits you don't like with hobbies you love. The secret is in the things you love to do that could eventually evolve into a life purpose. Then, you could gradually go back and take courses at your college related to what you love.

@renegade_bee

P.S. I sense that your background is very academic because of what you said, and you sound like you're pushing yourself too hard. Don't give in to pressure from anyone. Life never worked this way. We are all meant to do different things and become our greatest version in our own unique ways. If it's done out of pressure based on someone else's norms, then you are always playing the losing game.

All the best. 

Edited by Key Elements
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@renegade_bee

Don't do it. Hope you're still here and I'm really sorry you're going through all. But it's not worth it. When I was going through a similar phase, prayer was the only thing that helped me. Life is hard but you are only 18, you have your life ahead of you. If you are worried about getting laid, your life is more precious than any girl/boy/friend in the world. We don't live only for romance and sex, there is so much more to life than stuff that you see other people doing/enjoying. Stop comparing yourself to others because comparison is the biggest self-esteem demolisher. Everybody has their own problems and their own stories to tell. There are millions out there who suffer, at least just like you if not more. So you are not alone. You got to find your own 'sea of hope' where you will find your inner peace.

Even in the worst circumstances, life is still worth living because you get this chance only once.

Suicide can never be the ultimate option. Even suicide has a big drawback and that is the risk of failure associated with it. Many people end up handicapped or permanently disabled when their suicide attempts fail. So it's extremely dangerous.

Try to heal yourself emotionally and spiritually first. Your problems may either go away one day or they may no longer be relevant from an existential perspective.

May you find peace in your hour of trouble. Take care. (plz don't do it).

 

 

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  1. Only ONE path is true. Rest is noise
  2. God is beauty, rest is Ugly 

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@renegade_bee If this is truly it, the end, if you've given up; then you're truly free. If you have the money, get on a plane, go to Asia, go to a monastery and they will take you, free of charge. If you don't have the money, walk. Go to a homeless shelter, get a little job, save a bit of money for a flight and fuck off somewhere. Piss yourself whenever you feel like it, fuck it, who cares? You did it a lot when you were a baby. Go get a load of shrooms, trip your nuts off. You're talking about becoming a corpse soon. Fuck your parents, fuck your comfort, fuck it all dude. Seriously. Try being free before suicide, and if then you still want to leave. you're free to check out. Don't even feel bad for being suicidal, you don't owe anybody anything.

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"He who loves himself is far more accomplished than he who loves his possessions" - Lewis Fernandez

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On 12/14/2016 at 10:06 AM, renegade_bee said:

*snip*

Hi. I noticed you're still active on your profile.

So, not too long ago I went through a depressive and suicidal period myself. Unlike you I didn't have to deal with physical pain, nor did I have to contend with the parental issues. It was entirely an issue with my psyche, not my circumstance. Interestingly, I know several people who *do* deal with circumstances similar to your own yet never come close to the urge to take their own life. 

What I'd like to tell you is that this period was hugely painful for me, but it was perhaps the most important stretch of time in my life. I guess that facing your own inner demons becomes a necessity if the alternative is to cease your own existence, and you will walk away as a much stronger person who also has in his toolkit the wisdom to help others who are suffering on the same level. 

The most influential change (other than introspection) I made to my life was a change in diet. I guess we often overlook the importance of diet to our mental health, but considering that your brain is built from what you eat then it should be a more obvious connection. I mention this because it also might help with the UTI (I had several health problems which went away with the diet change). The sanest approach to nutritional advice I have ever seen is captured in the book The Perfect Health Diet (the authors also have a blog). Following the advice perfectly is probably a huge undertaking if you're busy with college, but the general Dos and Don'ts should help you a lot even if you only partly follow it.

Look man, I'll be blunt. I can tell from the way that you write that you're smart. And you're only 18. You have an amazing future ahead of you if you persevere.

All the best.

 

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