Vzdoh

BF is afraid of ejaculation. Suspect Trauma. How to help him to resolve?

104 posts in this topic

1 hour ago, Vzdoh said:

I am afraid you talk in riddles

Initially, yep. In hindsight, not at all. 

How’s his relationship with his son? How often does he see him? What do they do together?


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3 minutes ago, Nahm said:

Initially, yep. In hindsight, not at all. 

 

Hey @Nahm Just curious as to why you don't want to be clear with her? 

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Keep in mind this dude may have hidden trauma he has not even told you about. Like maybe he was molested as a kid or whatever. People will often hide their deepest wounds or make up cover stories. So you may be dealing with a guy who's more broken than you realize. You gotta sniff out the real root cause. Something here doesn't smell right to my nose. A guy not cumming because of an ancient divorce? Doesn't smell right.


You are God. You are Truth. You are Love. You are Infinity.

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19 hours ago, Sempiternity said:

Yeah...this is where I've got to disagree with you Leo. This seems to be stage Orange way of thinking about sex, as in 'it's all about me'. From my experience with the higher consciousness men in my life, cumming is not much of a factor in sex. It's about your partner and her experience. If the man doesn't cum, he could care less, as the experience itself, the connection is the reward. If I get hard, a woman does not owe me anything at any point to do anything about that. Even if we are mid-sex, she does not at any point owe me to continue, and if she chooses to stop, I honor and respect that, because it's not about me, and it's not about getting my rocks off, it's about connecting with your partner in whatever form that takes. 

You seem to have some immature and low-consciousness views on sex, at least in my opinion. Hopefully you're just iterating what stage Orange (or below) men may react like, and not spouting off your own opinions on sex. It may help you also state how higher consciousness people can react in the same scenarios, which can be vastly different.  

P.S, no man I have ever met has said that losing an erection is painful. Maybe when a young teenager can get blueballs, but not as a man in his mid 20s. 

LOL

JFC!

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6 minutes ago, Nahm said:

@Seed

What would that be, how would that read, if I was?  I suspect you think there is something I’m thinking but not saying…? 

Yes it comes across to me that you are leaving a trail of clues in an attempt to get her to work things out for herself. ANd i just wondered if that was the case.

Clearly not. :D

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@Nahm Your communications are oddly confusing and vague at times. Might want to self-reflect about that, since the point of communication is clarity.

If your communication leaves Leo scratching his head, you probably got some work to do in the communication department ;)


You are God. You are Truth. You are Love. You are Infinity.

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17 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

If your communication leaves Leo scratching his head, you probably got some work to do in the communication department ;)

I mean... all anyone's communications here with you leave you scratching your beard and looking up as if you're deeply pondering something. 


My Youtube Channel- Light on Earth “We dance round in a ring and suppose, but the Secret sits in the middle and knows.”― Robert Frost

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@Leo Gura Hey Leo, it's not an ancient divorce. He actually never married the woman. It's the fact that he was careless with sex when he was young and that resulted in ending up having a child with a woman he never loved really. 

That's an expensive and life altering mistake. U don't think its enough to become a reason to be afraid to ajaculate? If it happened to me, I would probably become super paranoid and neurotic about it. 

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@Leo Gura how do I sniff out something really deep? 

People don't go about telling their deepest secrets... 

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@Seed i have no idea what he is trying to communicate? Why write at all if u make it so criptic? 

Are you trying to show off how deep your thinking is? Instead of actually helping and being crystal clear? 

You want to help? Or u don't? 

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@IAmReallyImportant you r projecting and assuming a lot of stuff here. I already commented on the nature of my relationship. I trust him, he is not trying to deceive me, communication is quite good and deep, he is opening up emotionally, I do enjoy sex with him, he makes sure that I am satisfied. 

My concern is about how to help him to lose control and come and enjoy sex more as a result. I never stated I was disappointed or dissatisfied with sex. 

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@Vzdoh I dont think this is the case at all. He is not like that as a person, at all. Which is why I was curious.

I think I can see what he was trying to say, And that is that sometimes, it is more helpful to not spell things out to people. That is just my intrepetation of where he was coming from. 

I can translate what I think he meant and @Nahm can virtual kick  me if I am wrong if that is helpful?

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1 hour ago, Vzdoh said:

@Leo Gura how do I sniff out something really deep? 

People don't go about telling their deepest secrets... 

You are not entitled to someone's deep dark secrets.

You do not have his best interests in mind, you have your best interest in mind hidden under the guise you wish to help him.

But, I'm in agreeance with @Nahm here. Look inside yourself to see any personal imbalance you may have. You will never fix that which is inside by projecting that onto someone else and attempting to fix that instead. Once the root of the issue is harmonized internally, only then will you have a paradigm shift that is manifested within the external also having harmony there. Meaning there will be no more issues to fix in others who are strongly tethered to your own self structure, once you fix your own issues. Should I say, any "issue" after in "other" that "other" will have the aptitude to fix it within their self's because you yourself hold that same value. "As within, so without". Until this is fully realized you will continue to attract different evolutions of the same paradigm of perceived problems to yourself.

Whatever issues are afflicting your partner seem to stem from deep rooted childhood trauma. The longer someone goes with said trauma the more difficult it is to fix it. Having an unexpected child with a "toxic" woman seemed to have only amplified this trauma. It's easier for him to point to that, than it is whatever actually happened to him. Maybe he is embarrassed about what happened or just doesn't want to talk about the memory because it's well, traumatic.

You can't force someone to talk about this. You will only make things worse, specially if they have a sense of empathy/sympathy it may only cause the person feel guilty/shameful that they can't fix themselves and because of that they are hurting someone they care about. So help, only makes things worse until the person is truly ready to evolve past whatever happened. Even if your intentions are coming off pure and you are handling this in a loving way. Though, the answer does lay within you. It's nothing that can be rationalized logically, but rather something much more intimate to the core of your own self.

Edited by Nos7algiK

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2 hours ago, Vzdoh said:

@Leo Gura how do I sniff out something really deep? 

People don't go about telling their deepest secrets... 

Of course that's tricky. He might have even repressed it from himself. He's probably just not conscious of it himself. He's probably confused, frustrated, and stuck in his logical head.

Basically you need to probe deeper into the psychological underpinnings of his views of sex and women. Why is he paranoid? What has him so uptight that he is unable to take sex easy and enjoy it? Why is he so controlling? Why is he so stuck in his head? Why can't he let the past go?

You can delicately probe these issues with him over time.

There will probably be buried fear, anger, regret, and hurt.


You are God. You are Truth. You are Love. You are Infinity.

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@Nahm even though it`s just about autumn nahm, no leaves nahm no leaves. it`s almost autumn though, no leaves even though they might be yellow and read and crisp.

edit: ok sorry the crisp thing sounds weird in this context.

but what exactly is it really about - how is it that this guy is not able to relax and enjoy - what is really going on in his head, why is his head going on in the first place?

supposing it`s maybe really an responsibility issue, maybe basic fear management? it`s def calling for therapy @Vzdoh or some deep relaxation practice, reconnection with the universe stuff - the direction is a matter of taste but he´s def lacking in universal trust. maybe floating tank experience could help. basic trust building like massage and foreplay stuff might also help.

Edited by mememe

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7 hours ago, blueberries said:

It just seems almost unbelievable that a man could go 20 years without ejaculating during sex and not have tried just about every method under the sun to overcome the issue already. Based on what you've said I don't think he's lying, but it kind of feels like a piece of the puzzle is missing?

Has he had a long-term, loving partner in the last 20 years who has already made similar suggestions/attempts to what you're exploring now? Or are you the first person he's ever opened up to about this?

Has he never considered or tried therapy before? Surely it's crossed his mind or past partners or even friends have recommended it. If he's been resisting the idea for 20 years, that raises some questions about why, and if you'll ever manage to convince him to change his mind. 

I'm assuming he can still ejaculate from masturbation. Can he masturbate and ejaculate when you're in the same room? What about mutual masturbation? If he can manage those, I could see how he might have been able to push the problem under the rug somewhat. But if he can't ejaculate whatsoever with you around then I wonder if there's something else going on too.

I don't feel qualified to give you any advice, but those are my thoughts.

What I know based on what he shared so far is he kinda had very low interest in sex compared to other guys. Also, he had relationships after trying to make it work with the mother of his son, but it never got to the point where he would live together with these ladies and it seems to me he chose unavailable partners before, where probably he was not challenged to address his issues, because it was dating mostly without the future. Dated married women with kids etc. 

For me also sounds quite strange that he never addressed this but then if his previous partners didn't push for it, he was getting by same as now, making sure the lady is satisfied but did little to address his own satisfaction levels. 

He didn't share anything with me about masturbation and if he can come during it. I have a feel that he pressures the sex and any thing sexual down because of overall discomfort with what sex can lead to. 

Yeah, if it was going on for 20y like that, I am not quite sure if I can change anything. Only if he values me being in his life and starts doing something in the direction of recovery because he wants me to stay in a relationship with him. 

I decided to talk about it in more details. We r planning a staycay together and I want to explore massage and please him and see how he reacts. 

Will ask if he ever thought about seeing a therapist. Most men I think reject therapist idea because they don't want to admit to themselves that one, there is something wrong with him, second, that he cannot fix it on his own and needs help. Guys have trouble asking for help compared to women I think. 

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6 hours ago, mememe said:

@Nahm even though it`s just about autumn nahm, no leaves nahm no leaves. it`s almost autumn though, no leaves even though they might be yellow and read and crisp.

edit: ok sorry the crisp thing sounds weird in this context.

but what exactly is it really about - how is it that this guy is not able to relax and enjoy - what is really going on in his head, why is his head going on in the first place?

supposing it`s maybe really an responsibility issue, maybe basic fear management? it`s def calling for therapy @Vzdoh or some deep relaxation practice, reconnection with the universe stuff - the direction is a matter of taste but he´s def lacking in universal trust. maybe floating tank experience could help. basic trust building like massage and foreplay stuff might also help.

I was thinking about floating tank experience actually. Was going to book a session for him. He has difficulty letting go of control. So let's see if I am going to be successful about it. 

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7 hours ago, Nos7algiK said:

You are not entitled to someone's deep dark secrets.

You do not have his best interests in mind, you have your best interest in mind hidden under the guise you wish to help him.

But, I'm in agreeance with @Nahm here. Look inside yourself to see any personal imbalance you may have. You will never fix that which is inside by projecting that onto someone else and attempting to fix that instead. Once the root of the issue is harmonized internally, only then will you have a paradigm shift that is manifested within the external also having harmony there. Meaning there will be no more issues to fix in others who are strongly tethered to your own self structure, once you fix your own issues. Should I say, any "issue" after in "other" that "other" will have the aptitude to fix it within their self's because you yourself hold that same value. "As within, so without". Until this is fully realized you will continue to attract different evolutions of the same paradigm of perceived problems to yourself.

Whatever issues are afflicting your partner seem to stem from deep rooted childhood trauma. The longer someone goes with said trauma the more difficult it is to fix it. Having an unexpected child with a "toxic" woman seemed to have only amplified this trauma. It's easier for him to point to that, than it is whatever actually happened to him. Maybe he is embarrassed about what happened or just doesn't want to talk about the memory because it's well, traumatic.

You can't force someone to talk about this. You will only make things worse, specially if they have a sense of empathy/sympathy it may only cause the person feel guilty/shameful that they can't fix themselves and because of that they are hurting someone they care about. So help, only makes things worse until the person is truly ready to evolve past whatever happened. Even if your intentions are coming off pure and you are handling this in a loving way. Though, the answer does lay within you. It's nothing that can be rationalized logically, but rather something much more intimate to the core of your own self.

Well its both - for his and my own sake. I don't differentiate here - for him or for me because its the area of a relationship - where both of our interests are important. So addressing this issue is both important for me and him if we want to continue the relationship. 

I have done a lot of work on myself in the last 8 years and addressed my own trauma and became more self aware and I am continuing the work as I post here. It never stops. 

Question is what exactly I haven't addressed within me that attracts a partner like this? 

I worked through my family trauma, my parents divorce, abandonment and neglect issues in early childhood and learnt how to love myself and also learnt how to establish healthy boundaries. Not sure what else can be done? 

Any ideas? At least for direction where to look? 

???

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