billiesimon

Dissociative Trip Report - Perfect No-Self (Anatman) - Close to Eternal Dissolution

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Well, this trip has really evoked a lot of post-trip fear and existential anxiety in me.... even though I've already had the dark night of the soul a year ago.

Yet I'm still shocked by this experience, even though it's generally positive and enriching.

 

I've taken a small-medium dose of MXiPR, a warm and friendly dissociative, with no body load and no monkey mind or mind-load. It's very clean and warm, soft.

But it seems to have struck a very powerful no-self awakening which has shocked me, even though the experience was peaceful. In the aftermath my identity was completely shocked and terrified of disappearing, even though I was already back.

 

The Experience

I was lying near the park in my car to enjoy the green view, and decided to plug rectally the dissociative. On empty stomach. Calm mood, relaxing music, calm mind.

 

In 5 minutes the disso was working, and I started to feel very warm, soft, calm, and anesthetized. My mind was becoming more and more silent and still. My body started slowly to lose "definition" in its sensations. Even though they were still there.

 

At around 10-15 minutes my mood was very calm and content, a lot of soft warmness was calming my body down, along with the chillout music.

 

The Perfect No-Self

At around 20 minutes, something changed DRASTICALLY, SUDDENLY.

I lost completely track of my mind, my memory completely disappeared, my emotions were completely fused into a singular feeling of "calmness". Just that.

The mind slowly disappeared, and the sense of ego-self abruptely went out.

What remained?

It was just perceptions. Just perceptions, no emotions, no thoughts, no ego, NO TIME.

JUST
PERCEPTIONS

 

I was completely still. Actually there was no "I", not even the True Self (which I have felt in other awakenings). There wasn't even The Self.... No God, no Ego, No Mind. Nothing.

 

IT WAS PURE VOID, PURE ABSOLUTE ETERNAL VOID.

 

So, who was AWARE OF THIS VOID?

NOBODY WAS AWARE OF THE VOID!!!!

The perceptions were LITERALLY fluctuating in empty space!!!! Sounds of cars, sound of the music, images of the park, images of the sky. They were all that existed. And these "forms" were totally empty of life, empty of meaning, empty of a perceiver.

There was no perceiver, no awareness. Yet these perceptions were floating and being here and now.

 

The Return into Form/Ego

After around 20 minutes of total perfect and absolute Anatman (No-Self), SOMETHING EMERGED from the emptiness.

It was Mind.

For the first time in my life, I have witnessed Mind emerge from the black emptiness of existence. It was something incredible. marvellous and mighty.

Mind is so powerful, it is the powerful force which creates LIFE. Life is created by the tool called Mind, which shapes and creates a mental construction we call life and identity.

 

I witnessed this PRIMORDIAL THOUGHT emerging from the darkness of the Void, and it started to ROAR in this empty awareness.

"I want to live my life, I want to get back into my form!"

"I want to live my life, I want to get back into my form!"

"I want to live my life, I want to get back into my form!"

"I want to live my life, I want to get back into my form!"

 

It repeated itself so many times, and the more that it repeated itself, the more I felt that I was somehow a human being, I started to remember that I have always believed to be a human, and that I wanted to carry on being a human.

 

I started to panick, and felt my eyes tear up with water.

"Please, I want to get back to form, I'm not ready to disappear, I'm still young! Please don't dissolve me, please, I AM WILLING TO GET BACK INTO THIS MENTAL FORM!!! THIS IS MY WILL AND I DECIDE RIGHT NOW TO GET BACK INTO FORM!!! THIS IS MY WILL, THIS IS MY WILL DONE!!!"

I started to feel that I could move my body. Mind started to get a hold of my body and I remembered how to move it.

"YES!!! I AM BACK IN FORM!!" I was so happy, so happy, so grateful to enjoy my form once again.

 

 

I was really disappeared.

I had disappeared. And then luckily mind returned here and now to remember this form.

I was REALLY SURE that I was going to disappear FOREVER. For Eternity.

I am not joking, guys.

I feel like I was really close to disappear forever... had I not willed so DIVINELY and mightly to come back. I literally felt like my will was the WILL OF GOD for an instant.

 

I'm pretty shocked by the experience, but still... I feel it was a huge progress in my awareness.

Namaste.


??? Colors are my true nature ???

https://www.instagram.com/vibrant_awareness/    ???

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This plane of existence where we live in time and space is not in time and space. We can disappear forever and come back to where we were to begin with, in time. "Forever" doesn't exist in infinity, unless "forever" is identical to infinity. You have to have a concept of  time and of being alive for a "forever" to exist. Forever is right now, this is forever, and if you disappeared forever, were you ever really there? Maybe it is backwards: you made forever disappear. The separate me is afraid of dying, when it dies there is no problem, but when it resurrects, oh you bet ya it is going to make a fuss about it. There is no one here, right now, this is the glimpse. The glimpse is a glimpse in to what always is, and this is it. 

 

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Posted (edited)

Oh yeah, that's a glimpse. Someone read my mind and gave a trip report? lol

That's exactly what happens to "me" on disso's man. Small world xD.

Edited by The0Self

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Posted (edited)

Amazing report, thanks for this. Gave quite a good view on what I'm heading towards! How many mg did you take?

Edited by SpiritualAwakening

The Art of Knowing is Knowing the accumulation of knowledge lies within time, the discovery of Wisdom is attained out of the Mind.

~ https://www.instagram.com/spiritualabsolute ~

 

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Ketamine gave me a similar "experience". Upon exiting the "being" space/void the universe/form becomes nothing more than pure mind. Crazy stuff. Meditation is currently getting me back to that, like the door has been opened to it now. 

Good stuff dude.

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4 hours ago, billiesimon said:

I've taken a small-medium dose of MXiPR, a warm and friendly dissociative

Be careful taking unknown and brand new research chemicals:

https://psychonautwiki.org/wiki/Talk:MXiPr


You are God. You are Love. You are Infinity. You are Leo.

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2 hours ago, traveler said:

This plane of existence where we live in time and space is not in time and space. We can disappear forever and come back to where we were to begin with, in time. "Forever" doesn't exist in infinity, unless "forever" is identical to infinity. You have to have a concept of  time and of being alive for a "forever" to exist. Forever is right now, this is forever, and if you disappeared forever, were you ever really there? Maybe it is backwards: you made forever disappear. The separate me is afraid of dying, when it dies there is no problem, but when it resurrects, oh you bet ya it is going to make a fuss about it. There is no one here, right now, this is the glimpse. The glimpse is a glimpse in to what always is, and this is it. 

 

^^

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MxiPr is NOT warm hahaha. I almost lose my mind on that one. Completely insane trip I had. In other psychedelics I might suffer but at least I know more or less what is happening.

That chem was like triggering schizophrenia for me for a couple of hours. Then I couldn't understand anything or integrate anything after the trip. No thanks. But hey if It works for you...we are all different in that regard. Thanks for sharing


A thought can´t ever tell you how you feel.

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Posted (edited)

11 hours ago, billiesimon said:

Well, this trip has really evoked a lot of post-trip fear and existential anxiety in me.... even though I've already had the dark night of the soul a year ago.

Yet I'm still shocked by this experience, even though it's generally positive and enriching.

 

I've taken a small-medium dose of MXiPR, a warm and friendly dissociative, with no body load and no monkey mind or mind-load. It's very clean and warm, soft.

But it seems to have struck a very powerful no-self awakening which has shocked me, even though the experience was peaceful. In the aftermath my identity was completely shocked and terrified of disappearing, even though I was already back.

 

The Experience

I was lying near the park in my car to enjoy the green view, and decided to plug rectally the dissociative. On empty stomach. Calm mood, relaxing music, calm mind.

 

In 5 minutes the disso was working, and I started to feel very warm, soft, calm, and anesthetized. My mind was becoming more and more silent and still. My body started slowly to lose "definition" in its sensations. Even though they were still there.

 

At around 10-15 minutes my mood was very calm and content, a lot of soft warmness was calming my body down, along with the chillout music.

 

The Perfect No-Self

At around 20 minutes, something changed DRASTICALLY, SUDDENLY.

I lost completely track of my mind, my memory completely disappeared, my emotions were completely fused into a singular feeling of "calmness". Just that.

The mind slowly disappeared, and the sense of ego-self abruptely went out.

What remained?

It was just perceptions. Just perceptions, no emotions, no thoughts, no ego, NO TIME.

JUST
PERCEPTIONS

 

I was completely still. Actually there was no "I", not even the True Self (which I have felt in other awakenings). There wasn't even The Self.... No God, no Ego, No Mind. Nothing.

 

IT WAS PURE VOID, PURE ABSOLUTE ETERNAL VOID.

 

So, who was AWARE OF THIS VOID?

NOBODY WAS AWARE OF THE VOID!!!!

The perceptions were LITERALLY fluctuating in empty space!!!! Sounds of cars, sound of the music, images of the park, images of the sky. They were all that existed. And these "forms" were totally empty of life, empty of meaning, empty of a perceiver.

There was no perceiver, no awareness. Yet these perceptions were floating and being here and now.

 

The Return into Form/Ego

After around 20 minutes of total perfect and absolute Anatman (No-Self), SOMETHING EMERGED from the emptiness.

It was Mind.

For the first time in my life, I have witnessed Mind emerge from the black emptiness of existence. It was something incredible. marvellous and mighty.

Mind is so powerful, it is the powerful force which creates LIFE. Life is created by the tool called Mind, which shapes and creates a mental construction we call life and identity.

 

I witnessed this PRIMORDIAL THOUGHT emerging from the darkness of the Void, and it started to ROAR in this empty awareness.

"I want to live my life, I want to get back into my form!"

"I want to live my life, I want to get back into my form!"

"I want to live my life, I want to get back into my form!"

"I want to live my life, I want to get back into my form!"

 

It repeated itself so many times, and the more that it repeated itself, the more I felt that I was somehow a human being, I started to remember that I have always believed to be a human, and that I wanted to carry on being a human.

 

I started to panick, and felt my eyes tear up with water.

"Please, I want to get back to form, I'm not ready to disappear, I'm still young! Please don't dissolve me, please, I AM WILLING TO GET BACK INTO THIS MENTAL FORM!!! THIS IS MY WILL AND I DECIDE RIGHT NOW TO GET BACK INTO FORM!!! THIS IS MY WILL, THIS IS MY WILL DONE!!!"

I started to feel that I could move my body. Mind started to get a hold of my body and I remembered how to move it.

"YES!!! I AM BACK IN FORM!!" I was so happy, so happy, so grateful to enjoy my form once again.

 

 

I was really disappeared.

I had disappeared. And then luckily mind returned here and now to remember this form.

I was REALLY SURE that I was going to disappear FOREVER. For Eternity.

I am not joking, guys.

I feel like I was really close to disappear forever... had I not willed so DIVINELY and mightly to come back. I literally felt like my will was the WILL OF GOD for an instant.

 

I'm pretty shocked by the experience, but still... I feel it was a huge progress in my awareness.

Namaste.

Incredible to read. I had once a similar experience as I was "shifting reality" and I was experiencing that "peace beyond understanding" but I was having trouble remembering, like I was completely in the now and had lost touch of my timeline somehow... Everything around me was changing, even my mother looked different, like a supercomputer at one point. When she saw me in this state she somehow knew something was going on and didnt like it. She kept talking to me about past events that happened and I found it really hard to follow. I felt like she was trying to get me out of that state, so that I return to my egoic identity. 

I was telling her how it is not important what happened in the past, just to be happy now, but she was very insistent and it was like she didnt want me to feel this good, wanted me to be in ego.. 

Now I do not know whether to trust myself for feeling that great in this state or my mother who could be there as a safeguard for me not to go off the rails... Maybe this void state and being radically now is not at all what is desired, as it would "break" the dream.

When I have a lucid dream I do not like to wake up.  

 

Edited by Dodo

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8 hours ago, Ry4n said:

Ketamine gave me a similar "experience". Upon exiting the "being" space/void the universe/form becomes nothing more than pure mind. Crazy stuff. Meditation is currently getting me back to that, like the door has been opened to it now. 

Good stuff dude.

Yeah, dissociatives tend to create similar experiences of void and neutral peace. Psychedelics are more fit for exploring The Self and god consciousness :)


??? Colors are my true nature ???

https://www.instagram.com/vibrant_awareness/    ???

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3 hours ago, Javfly33 said:

MxiPr is NOT warm hahaha. I almost lose my mind on that one. Completely insane trip I had. In other psychedelics I might suffer but at least I know more or less what is happening.

That chem was like triggering schizophrenia for me for a couple of hours. Then I couldn't understand anything or integrate anything after the trip. No thanks. But hey if It works for you...we are all different in that regard. Thanks for sharing

It depends on the user, for every psychoactive substance. In my case it's very warm and comforting, but it causes amnesia and ego loss too.

50 minutes ago, Dodo said:

Incredible to read. I had once a similar experience as I was "shifting reality" and I was experiencing that "peace beyond understanding" but I was having trouble remembering, like I was completely in the now and had lost touch of my timeline somehow... Everything around me was changing, even my mother looked different, like a supercomputer at one point. When she saw me in this state she somehow knew something was going on and didnt like it. She kept talking to me about past events that happened and I found it really hard to follow. I felt like she was trying to get me out of that state, so that I return to my egoic identity. 

I was telling her how it is not important what happened in the past, just to be happy now, but she was very insistent and it was like she didnt want me to feel this good, wanted me to be in ego.. 

Now I do not know whether to trust myself for feeling that great in this state or my mother who could be there as a safeguard for me not to go off the rails... Maybe this void state and being radically now is not at all what is desired, as it would "break" the dream.

When I have a lucid dream I do not like to wake up.  

 

:D Amazing story. But don't trip in front of relatives, or it's going to cause you trouble.


??? Colors are my true nature ???

https://www.instagram.com/vibrant_awareness/    ???

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2 minutes ago, billiesimon said:

It depends on the user, for every psychoactive substance. In my case it's very warm and comforting, but it causes amnesia and ego loss too.

:D Amazing story. But don't trip in front of relatives, or it's going to cause you trouble.

It was not a result of psychedelics tho, it was naturally induced and I don't know exactly what caused it - it appeared that things were just happening. There was a fasting happening, there was no need for sleep and I had lost all sense of time. I actually had the intuition that I can close my eyes and wake up at whatever time I wish. But not quite sure how that would work. Was just a feeling like I can actually literally change reality. I was also following one of Aaron Dogherty's vids on youtube about shifting reality and I followed his advice which happened to work. But I believe they worked because I was already in that state and the video was meant for me. If I try it now, it probably wont work the same way. 

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31 minutes ago, Dodo said:

It was not a result of psychedelics tho, it was naturally induced and I don't know exactly what caused it - it appeared that things were just happening. There was a fasting happening, there was no need for sleep and I had lost all sense of time. I actually had the intuition that I can close my eyes and wake up at whatever time I wish. But not quite sure how that would work. Was just a feeling like I can actually literally change reality. I was also following one of Aaron Dogherty's vids on youtube about shifting reality and I followed his advice which happened to work. But I believe they worked because I was already in that state and the video was meant for me. If I try it now, it probably wont work the same way. 

Very interesting phenomenon. Never heard about something like this. But sometimes it can happen naturally. I've had weird shifting experiences while waking up from my sleep, so it might be related to these altered states of consciousness.


??? Colors are my true nature ???

https://www.instagram.com/vibrant_awareness/    ???

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Posted (edited)

35 minutes ago, billiesimon said:

Very interesting phenomenon. Never heard about something like this. But sometimes it can happen naturally. I've had weird shifting experiences while waking up from my sleep, so it might be related to these altered states of consciousness.

I think it was definitely connected with "nofap". Maybe when we do not waste the sexual energy it can act as psychedelic :D I had also stopped smoking cigs+weed since some time from then. So it could be just some natural result of dropping addictions etc... Maybe. Well I was so freaked by the experience which later on turned into more hellish experience and I just wanted to go back to "my own reality"... And here I am. I am back to some of my addictions to keep me in my timeline lol! Next time I will have more experience with walking the territory I guess. Maybe I was just not ready for it yet. 

Definitely there was the theme of letting go of my beast nature/desires and follow the spirit nature/desires. I read in one spiritual text that this is what is wanted of us to awaken. It happened radically though, I didnt expect to not need food even lol! But now that im back I do eat again. I believe there can be a middle ground.. Maybe when we go too radical, God spanks us back with those hellish experiences. As if to show who's boss/teach us something. 

Edited by Dodo

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Posted (edited)

@billiesimon seeing how the religions that are doing these fasting periods are meant to be doing this, to tune the souls to their higher nature, but still not fasting permanently i guess. 

During my experience one muslim woman who helped me with spiritual connection told me very silently how I should check if the Quran is the truth. But I got there by following bible related things.. So basically maybe they have the truth and are applying it on a large scale.

Edited by Dodo

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49 minutes ago, Dodo said:

@billiesimon seeing how the religions that are doing these fasting periods are meant to be doing this, to tune the souls to their higher nature, but still not fasting permanently i guess. 

During my experience one muslim woman who helped me with spiritual connection told me very silently how I should check if the Quran is the truth. But I got there by following bible related things.. So basically maybe they have the truth and are applying it on a large scale.

Religions are just rules and generic principles taken from enlightened masters, but they are not even close to the truth. 


??? Colors are my true nature ???

https://www.instagram.com/vibrant_awareness/    ???

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2 hours ago, billiesimon said:

It depends on the user, for every psychoactive substance. In my case it's very warm and comforting, but it causes amnesia and ego loss too.

:D Amazing story. But don't trip in front of relatives, or it's going to cause you trouble.

Yeah plugging it instead of inssuflated might have made a significant difference in effects.


A thought can´t ever tell you how you feel.

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Posted (edited)

37 minutes ago, billiesimon said:

Religions are just rules and generic principles taken from enlightened masters, but they are not even close to the truth. 

That was the theme of my experience there. I was on the side you talk about - the heart ♥ centered consciousness.

But I met there a scholar character who knew what was going on with me, at least a bit, and I had to submit to the value of rules and all those mind stuff. And he had to agree that there is a truth beyond any words, as I was speaking from my heart and that was how I got there in the first place. He was like a muslim father figure and told me of the importance of structured religion/scripture..

He did seem to try to understand what I am talking about, he was very interested, as he knew that Truth is beyond the words. But really it must be a mixture of both for true embodiment imo. I was so lost there I did not know what was happening.

Later on another character told me "Follow your heart, but take your brain with you" kind of striking on the same point.

@billiesimon there is a very wise statement "don't throw the baby with the bathwater". That's definitely true about religions - most people throw out the baby as well, just because they see all the dirty water around it. That doesnt mean the bath is bad, just because the water is dirty too!  

Edited by Dodo

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@billiesimon The same with me on psilcybin. But when the mind came back there was just love for being in form.

I can confirm that the mind feels completely gone.

For the technical side with plugging, how much cm or inches do you go in with the syringe? Till now all my attempts have failed (or the doses were too small).


"Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”

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