Is sharing yourself (personal meaningful things) a form of seeking approval?

[Pernani]

I notice that I do this a lot. For some reason I've always valued sharing things that are meaningful to me with others, seeing it as essential for building meaningful and authentic connections. But I never quite questioned where that desire was coming from till now. I recently had my first psychedelic trip and it was a very meaningful experience to me, so I found myself actively looking through the list of people that I know, to find those with whom I could share this experience with. Then I talked about it to one person, and the reaction I got from them was one of apathy and disinterest, and that felt a bit bad. The lack of approval, the fact that this person saw something that was very important to me as unimportant, mattered for some reason and came with an emotional reaction. That's what made me stop and question my tendency to openly share myself (sometimes overshare): goals, experiences, ideas, passions... If those matter to me, why should it matter if others share my sentiment or not ? It seems that there has always been an ulterior egoic motive under what I thought was a genuine attempt to nourish genuine connections.

So I guess my question is: How does one distinguish if they're sharing themselves out of approval seeking (insecurity, ego...) or out of a genuine attempt to connect with others without any motives stemming from insecurity and seeking validation ? How does one increase their awareness of this distinction so to speak?

[Farnaby]

I think the important part is to be aware that sometimes it's our ego who is in charge, but I see no need to judge that as something that's bad. 

What would be so bad about feeling good when you get approval and bad when you feel rejected?

Or why should you be able not to feel uncomfortable emotions?

We are a social species and rejection triggers our fear of death so of course we are going to seek experiences that make us feel more connected

I don't see that as a bad thing. Becoming aware of some unconscious agenda that may be influencing your habit of sharing personal stuff allows you to not get too attached to the need of approval.

But I don't see connecting through vulnerability as a bad thing.

[Willie]

Well, to be accepted as is is the ultimate seal of approval, is it not?

[Brittany]

On 4/2/2021 at 4:52 PM, Pernani said:

So I guess my question is: How does one distinguish if they're sharing themselves out of approval seeking (insecurity, ego...) or out of a genuine attempt to connect with others without any motives stemming from insecurity and seeking validation ? How does one increase their awareness of this distinction so to speak?

"How does one _______________"

The one in "How does one" is the ego

Edited April 4, 2021 by Brittany

[Nahm]

On 4/2/2021 at 4:52 PM, Pernani said:

Is sharing yourself (personal meaningful things) a form of seeking approval?

You are ‘personal meaningful things’? 

Quote

I notice that I do this a lot.

There are two of you? The noticer and the noticed?

Quote

For some reason I've always valued sharing things that are meaningful to me with others, seeing it as essential for building meaningful and authentic connections.

“Things”?  Perhaps what you’re actually sharing, is thoughts. 

Quote

But I never quite questioned where that desire was coming from till now. I recently had my first psychedelic trip and it was a very meaningful experience to me, so I found myself actively looking through the list of people that I know, to find those with whom I could share this experience with. Then I talked about it to one person, and the reaction I got from them was one of apathy and disinterest, and that felt a bit bad.

Did you share the experience, or thoughts about the experience? 

Quote

The lack of approval, the fact that this person saw something that was very important to me as unimportant, mattered for some reason and came with an emotional reaction.

Why would you expect someone to find your thoughts as important as you do?   Why are thoughts important in the first place? 

A misunderstanding of what’s being shared, might be leading to a misunderstanding of their reaction, which might then be internalized as there reaction is about you, when really it’s about the thoughts you shared (but you kinda believe you’re not sharing thoughts, and are sharing yourself, and thus feel hurt). 

Quote

That's what made me stop and question my tendency to openly share myself (sometimes overshare): goals, experiences, ideas, passions... If those matter to me, why should it matter if others share my sentiment or not ? It seems that there has always been an ulterior egoic motive under what I thought was a genuine attempt to nourish genuine connections.

So I guess my question is: How does one distinguish if they're sharing themselves out of approval seeking (insecurity, ego...) or out of a genuine attempt to connect with others without any motives stemming from insecurity and seeking validation ? How does one increase their awareness of this distinction so to speak?

Sharing yourself... or goals, thoughts on experiences, ideas, and passions? 

How often to you receive, listen, ask, hear, about the goals, experiences, ideas, passions, of others, without injecting your own... without asking & listening really just being a means to sharing your thoughts? 

If you are sharing yourself - who / what are these two? Is there a direct experience of two of you? 

If you didn’t believe the thoughts (& goals, passion, ideas) are you... why would there be any reaction to what people think, of the thoughts you share? Perhaps their response is of recognizing this, but not pointing it out to you. 

[Pernani]

On 4/2/2021 at 11:35 PM, Farnaby said:

I think the important part is to be aware that sometimes it's our ego who is in charge, but I see no need to judge that as something that's bad. 

What would be so bad about feeling good when you get approval and bad when you feel rejected?

Or why should you be able not to feel uncomfortable emotions?

We are a social species and rejection triggers our fear of death so of course we are going to seek experiences that make us feel more connected

I don't see that as a bad thing. Becoming aware of some unconscious agenda that may be influencing your habit of sharing personal stuff allows you to not get too attached to the need of approval.

But I don't see connecting through vulnerability as a bad thing.

I do share your perspective on how connecting through vulnerability isn't a bad thing. But don't you feel like there's some merit from being aware of how you seek approval from others, and thus dropping it? I would rather not be emotionally enslaved to how people think of me and whether or not they give a shit about me, so I envision that if one drops that tendency they would have a lot more peace of mind (and maybe derive more satisfaction from life?). In a sense, it kinda feels "absurd", "dirty" and "inauthentic" to do that.

 

On 4/3/2021 at 1:13 AM, Willie said:

Well, to be accepted as is is the ultimate seal of approval, is it not?

Sorry, I'm not getting your point

 

@Brittany @Nahm Thank you for pointing out just how much I am identifying with my thoughts and my ego. There's a lot there to digest tho... I'd rather explore ways to raise my awareness of this issue without having to achieve the challenging feat of transcending my ego, but then again the answer might just be that I need to become more aware of my ego and my attachment to it

[Nahm]

@Pernani

“The challenging feat of transcending my ego” is a thought. If it is noticed that is not found in sensation, nor can it be pointed to in perception, then it has already transpired. 

Careful not to create work to do where there is none. It’s as simple as others are not experiencing your goals, dreams, passions and experiences, they’re experiencing sight & sound, and their own meanings. They are experiencing their dreams, passions, and experiences, which will always be primary to them, just as yours are to you. Encourage them, rather than holding expectations over them, and you bring more passion to your own. Perhaps ‘we are in the same boat’, vs ‘why aren’t you finding my desires as important as I do?’. 

[LastThursday]

On 02/04/2021 at 9:52 PM, Pernani said:

How does one distinguish if they're sharing themselves out of approval seeking (insecurity, ego...) or out of a genuine attempt to connect with others without any motives stemming from insecurity and seeking validation ?

Sharing is about becoming more whole. There is no higher goal. The only problem you're experiencing is your thoughts about insecurity and seeking validation and genuine connection. Disinterest is neither positive or negative just another form of sharing.

[Pernani]

On 4/4/2021 at 3:10 PM, Nahm said:

@Pernani

“The challenging feat of transcending my ego” is a thought. If it is noticed that is not found in sensation, nor can it be pointed to in perception, then it has already transpired. 

Careful not to create work to do where there is none. It’s as simple as others are not experiencing your goals, dreams, passions and experiences, they’re experiencing sight & sound, and their own meanings. They are experiencing their dreams, passions, and experiences, which will always be primary to them, just as yours are to you. Encourage them, rather than holding expectations over them, and you bring more passion to your own. Perhaps ‘we are in the same boat’, vs ‘why aren’t you finding my desires as important as I do?’. 

What does it mean to connect with another, beyond the act of expecting them to relate to your own conceptual meaning/values matrix ?

1 hour ago, LastThursday said:

Sharing is about becoming more whole. There is no higher goal. The only problem you're experiencing is your thoughts about insecurity and seeking validation and genuine connection. Disinterest is neither positive or negative just another form of sharing.

Sharing is about becoming more whole... hmmmmmmmmm...

[Nahm]

3 minutes ago, Pernani said:

What does it mean to connect with another, beyond the act of expecting them to relate to your own conceptual meaning/values matrix ?

Connecting without expectations. 

[Origins]

@Pernani Simulate beforehand, experience the feelings, notice the patterns, determine the answer for yourself. Simulation will reveal the same answers likely as real life in this sense because social is so familiar to you.

I shared this recently, it might be a useful tool for you in the context of learning about your emotions through the lens of social simulation, and of course, not social simulation to strategically win approval  .

Best

 

Edited April 5, 2021 by Origins

[Pernani]

22 hours ago, Nahm said:

Connecting without expectations. 

Okay, I thought that you were hinting at the possibility of connecting with another without having them relate to your meanings and the way you see the world. Turns out the only thing that should be dropped of the equation is expectation, and not accepting the fact that it's only natural for others to have their own meanings which may not relate to yours, and that's how you can share yourself without it stemming from insecurity and the need for approval. Sounds simple enough. Great wisdom lies in simplicity as always <3

22 hours ago, Origins said:

@Pernani Simulate beforehand, experience the feelings, notice the patterns, determine the answer for yourself. Simulation will reveal the same answers likely as real life in this sense because social is so familiar to you.

I shared this recently, it might be a useful tool for you in the context of learning about your emotions through the lens of social simulation, and of course, not social simulation to strategically win approval  .

Best

 

Thank you for the share <3

[universe]

Needyness is tricky and comes in many ways.

You can be needy in virtually every possible form imaginable. Speaking, not speaking, asking questions, not asking a question, connecting with someone or not connecting with someone.

The key here is Emotions.

First step is becoming aware of it. For example you shared your experience and didn't get validation for it. Because you did not get that validation you felt rejected/bad. This is an emotion. Notice the reaction on an emotional level. Now, if he would've given you validation by telling you how great your experience was you might have felt validated/good. This is also an emotional reaction. In both situations you would have a need for validation.

So in essence we can say being needy is a form of anticipating something outside of you to give you certain emotions.

The second step now is to free yourself of that need. As for as long as you have that need for validation still inside of you it will show itself. It will come slipping through one way or the other. Freeing yourself means Growing out of that need. Feel into your emotions and let them go. Realize that you can never get validation from someone else. You have all you need right now, give yourself as much love and validation as you want. And even if you don't give yourself validation and you don't get it from the outside. You are still o.k.

This realization is powerful.

If you share something and do not react emotionally to what others say, you know you are not sharing to get validation.

❤️

[allislove]

On 4/2/2021 at 10:52 PM, Pernani said:

So I guess my question is: How does one distinguish if they're sharing themselves out of approval seeking (insecurity, ego...) or out of a genuine attempt to connect with others without any motives stemming from insecurity and seeking validation ? How does one increase their awareness of this distinction so to speak?

Yep, if there are motives to share something then it's pure ego play so to speak. Pay attention on how you feel during the day... putting feelings first and opinion about anything on the second place is the way. 

[Origins]

@Pernani You share to connect, you feel rejected because you're insecure. Being insecure doesn't make you evil. It's okay. There's LOTS of insecure on this planet, you'll even find some of them on this forum  . Seriously, don't stress dudeski's, one step at a time focus on that next step and you'll come out the other side of the tunnel. I've been through it.